by Jade White
She told him she didn’t think he was that into her, having no interest in being in a real relationship with her. He had been really angry with her, fighting with her and saying she didn’t know what she was talking about. When she cited her evidence, he became quiet and depressed. It wasn’t long until things fell apart, just an hour or so.
But that was fine, it hurt at the beginning, but she knew it was for the best. They weren’t meant to be together. He was from a completely different world than she was and nothing felt right about it. She wanted to live a life where she felt like she belonged and that was what she was working to achieve. She didn’t think much about Gus, out of kindness to her heart. She put that behind her and moved forward. That's how you get through these things, she thought, by moving forward, right?
Throwing the covers off, she silenced the alarm on her phone, headed to the bathroom and promptly raised the cover on the toilet, dropped to her knees, and threw up.
It wasn’t the most glamorous morning and it was a bit worrisome, but she chalked it up to something she ate the night before. She couldn’t really remember what she ate, but she figured that it was the culprit. She didn’t even remember the last time she threw up. She went about her morning, getting ready after she showered and trying really hard not to think about what it could have meant.
Maybe she should call in sick from work?
No, she had a ton to get done and there was no need to call in. She felt better. However, when she got dressed and went into the bathroom to do her hair, she looked cautiously at the toilet and knew that something was off. Something was not right. She was sure she just needed to be more careful about what she ate. So she packed a small lunch, headed out the door of her apartment, and drove to work, trying her hardest to put the morning’s events behind her.
In her time at her company, Tiffany had risen from a receptionist position to a personal assistant. The jobs were exactly the same, except the assistant position paid way more. She liked the idea of making more money. She liked the idea of having a bit more respect, something she was lacking as a receptionist. She answered the phone, answered emails, sent over documents, and made sure Gracie’s calendar was up-to-date. It wasn’t the most important job in the world, but it helped make life easier. If Tiffany was off, Gracie was off. If Gracie was off, everybody suffered for it.
But throughout the morning, she couldn’t help but feel like there was something nagging her in the back of her mind. She rarely had days where she was off, but this really felt like one. By 11 o’clock, she was wishing she had stayed home. She was distracted and worried about something. All she could think was that nobody threw up for no reason.
Something was definitely wrong. She knew that all she needed was to get something to eat and get her mind off of it. Maybe she needed a distraction. However, the thought of lunch made her stomach churn. No matter what she tried to look at online to order, nothing sounded good. The lunch she’d packed for herself was positively revolting, making her want to run away from it as quickly as possible. Why wasn’t she hungry?
It seemed wrong that she wouldn’t be hungry. She had been starving in the middle of the night and had actually thought about going and getting something to eat. Now, however, there wasn’t a single thing that made her feel good. No, it was more than not feeling good. It was nauseous. She felt like she could throw up all over again. That was when it clicked.
Tiffany had made it this far in her life without having a pregnancy scare, but this was the closest she’d ever gotten to an actual scare. She was legitimately terrified. The thought of being pregnant was something she couldn’t handle. She had to try to think about the last time she had sex, the last time she had her period, and how much it would cost to have a baby. Everything suddenly scared her.
If there was one thing Tiffany liked to pride herself on, it was being able to think quickly. She took her lunch break and headed to the nearest store, wondering if there were any secrets or anything she should know about buying a pregnancy test. This was one of those moments when Tiffany was kicking herself for not being more prepared or not knowing more.
Eventually, everyone had a pregnancy scare, right? This was one of those things that being a woman was all about. You needed to be ready for this crisis, in your moment of need. No one wanted to be caught with their pants down. But, no one really thinks about this. It’s kind of like death, no one thinks this would ever happen to them, until it does. Or, it comes really close to happening. Part of her wished she was sick, suffering from some unseen infection and not actually pregnant.
But didn’t women always know when they were pregnant? Like in the exact moment, wasn’t there supposed be a moment of clarity? She thought she’d heard something like that. She thought women knew somehow, intuition or something like that. All she felt was confusion.
The nearest grocery store was a mess. There were people everywhere, shopping for a thousand different things that made her feel like she was a spy sneaking through a building, trying to steal some precious artifact without getting caught. There seemed to be something embarrassing about buying a pregnancy test that she didn’t quite understand. It gnawed at her, making her feel like she was a fool. It was like the world was mocking her for having made a mistake. She had made a mistake, somewhere along the line. The more she thought about it, the more she realized the last person she had sex with was Gus. She felt a chill run down her spine. That was a man she hadn’t thought about for a while. It was a name she had tried to put behind her.
How could she talk to him about that? That would be a conversation she didn’t want to have at all. When they had last seen each other, the two of them were not friends. There was nothing friendly about their relationship. She had told him that she wanted a real relationship that he wasn’t willing to give it to her, and she deserved more.
All of those things were still true today. She had no reason to believe he had changed any. As she walked over toward the area of the store that sold condoms, pregnancy tests, and lube, she couldn’t help but feel the irony of all those products in one place. Was it some kind of sick joke? Think you’re pregnant? Should have bought condoms.
There was one thing she did know, she didn’t want to trust just one pregnancy test. What if it told her she wasn’t pregnant, but she actually was pregnant? Or, what if it told her she was pregnant and it turned out that she wasn't? She didn’t know which would be worse, really. All she knew was that these tests needed to be verified by other tests.
Grabbing five tests, she didn’t know if she had enough pee in her body for all of them.
Buying them, the clerk gave her a strange look, the kind of look she never wanted to see. It was a look that said sympathy, sorry, and judgmental stares all wrapped up in the same look. She hated it. She thought about asking if there was a problem. He handed her a receipt and she took her bag and headed back out to her car.
At work, she loaded up on water and took the tests. They were all the exactly the same. It seemed like the simplest thing in the world, but it was terrifying for her. She took the tests one at a time, praying that nobody came into the bathroom and discovered what she was doing. It was incredibly awkward, but she was willing to put up with that just to get answers.
She felt the time piling up, dragging by with a molasses-like quality. It was agonizing, worse than it had been in the car ride to and from the grocery store. Here the questions were multiplying, swarming and brewing. The worries grew with every passing second. How was she going to deal with this? Who was going to help her with this? What was it going to be like being a single mother?
She thought about her job and who was going to take over for her. She wondered if they were going to hire her back after maternity leave or just let her go. Everything felt like she had been thrown into this chaotic state. Finally, when her phone vibrated, she knew it was over.
She looked at the results. If just one of them had been off, she probably would’ve taken five more. If one of them had told her she
was not pregnant, she would have doubts about every single one of them. However, as she looked down at the test strips, she knew she was pregnant. There was no doubt in the matter. She was definitely pregnant with this child.
Something died inside of her, mostly the questions and the doubts. There was a clarity with knowing, a calm to stop the storm. She felt good about herself. She had taken the right step to find out. Of course, there were all sorts of fears and worries inside of her taking over those that washed away, but right now there was a sweet tranquility.
There was this ease that flowed over her. She had the answer she needed and she was going to be just fine. She liked this moment, wishing she could hang out and savor it for a little while longer. She just wanted to bask in the clarity.
Maybe that was too much to ask.
Because, in the end, this changed everything. Her whole life was going to change. There wasn’t a single thing that was going to remain the same after this moment. She was going to be the pregnant woman in the office. She was going to be the person that everybody looked at and felt sympathy for and wondered who the father was. What kind of pregnant girl commands any respect?
She knew that everything she had to fight for up to this point was lost. Most importantly, she didn’t know how she was going to tell Gus. She had been on the pill. This was just one of those freak accidents. Was he going to see it that way?
She had heard stories about women who had trapped rich men by getting pregnant. Was she going to be whispered about and rumored to be one of those people? Gracie was a strict boss, one who had fought for her to get to her position. Was she was going to be furious that the person that she’d fought for was going on maternity leave? These were all things that surged to poison her mind. She was going to need to make a plan. She was going to have to start figuring out all of this immediately.
Tiffany immediately pulled out her phone and texted her friends. She needed to talk to somebody. She needed advice and counsel on all of this. There were only two people she knew she wanted to talk to right now; Mark and Caitlin.
She could feel her head already getting light and dizzy. This was going to be a nightmare, but she refused to give in to it. She refused to be defeated by any of this. This was just another thing that she was going to have to put down on her road to success.
Tiffany got out of work as quickly as possible. She didn’t stick around and see if anyone needed help with anything. Instead, she packed up her stuff and was ready to go the moment things started to wind down for the day. She wasn’t interested in getting caught when she had plans that were set in motion. She needed to get out of this office to confer with some outside sources before her mind exploded into a million different pieces.
She chose a bar where they usually met. It was kind of their place by now. It was a bar they had been coming to since college, one they had a lot of memories in. She needed to be around happy places with fond memories. She didn’t want to think about how terrible her life had turned in just a few short minutes.
Heck, in one day everything had changed. Everything was different now. She didn’t know how she was going to explain this to them. It was such a freak event it almost felt imaginary.
They both showed up on time, all smiles and laughter. They had no clue what was about to happen and she was grateful for that. She wanted to just enjoy their friendship and their company a few brief moments before everything changed.
This pregnancy was going to touch everything. Even something as simple as a friendship was going to be altered and changed. She didn’t know how she was going to handle this. How was she going to be able to deal with any of this, moving forward?
“You want something to drink, Tiff?” Caitlin asked as she headed up to the bar.
Tiffany shook her head no. For a moment, she was about to ask for a very powerful martini, but then she realized she couldn’t drink while she was pregnant. This was a whole new kind of hell for her. What was she going to do now? Already, Mark was giving her a strange look.
Why set up a meeting to come to a bar, he thought, if she wasn’t going to drink?
Oh no, he was starting to suspect that something was up. She knew that she was on a timeline, they probably already talked about something being up. The stranger she acted, the more worried they were going to be.
For a moment, she lamented all the drinks she wouldn’t be able to have for the length of the pregnancy. She had already come to terms with the fact that she was going to keep the child. It wasn’t like she had staunch values or she was anti-abortion, it just didn’t feel right to her. To her, she knew she had to have this child. This was her burden to bear, and a little child wasn’t going to suffer because of it. She got herself a Coke and walked back to the table, knowing that she needed to tell them the truth.
“You okay, Tiffany?” Caitlin asked with a concerned expression on her face.
They had been talking while she was gone; she knew it.
“Not really,” Tiffany said with all honesty.
They looked at her with confused eyes, trying to figure out what was wrong before the other could. It was like a game to them. If only it was like a game to her.
“I’m pregnant.”
There was a brief and painful silence for a moment. It hung between them like a thick fog, poisoning the air and making it feel foul. Tiffany couldn’t handle it. It felt like it was strangling her. She needed them to say something. She needed to know what they were thinking. All she could do was wonder what they were going to say when they finally decided to open their mouths.
Caitlin blinked a few times, Mark stirred the straw in his glass, and both of them were at a loss for words. She understood that, but she needed them to get over it. She needed them to find their voices again. No matter how terrified and how scared of this whole news they were, she was infinitely more so.
There was something that was never said about being terrified or freaking out. Everyone did it differently. It was kind of what defined them as a person in a way, or at least part of them.
It was how she handled situations that were bad, sometimes good, and sometimes infinitely more terrible. Freaking out was something every human did. Everyone received news they weren’t expecting and they were forced to deal with it immediately, in the blink of an eye. Some people were really good at keeping it down inside of them, mentally screaming while their faces were made of stone. Others, like Tiffany, needed to stop to cry and scream in panic for a few minutes before they could get themselves under control.
As for Caitlin and Mark, they were the silent type, stunned by the news. They were frozen in a world where only their thoughts remained. It was as unhelpful as panicking and screaming and crying, but it was more nerve-racking. There was nothing but the expressions on their faces to judge how they were going to handle the situation.
Tiffany stared at them, holding her perspiring glass of Coke, waiting out the clock for them. Eventually they were going to have to talk. It was Caitlin who talked first.
“What are you going to do?” Caitlin asked her.
This was the first thing Tiffany had asked herself. This was the one question she knew she didn’t have an answer for and that she was going to have to come up with on the spot. What was she going to do about the fact that she was now pregnant? It was a good question. It stumped her for a long time.
“Well, I’m obviously going to keep it,” Tiffany said with a resolute voice. There was no debating the matter for her. This was a child, a child who needed her. The woman never felt like she was ready for a child, but maybe that was the point. You had to grow up to be a parent. At least, you had to grow up to be a good parent. You have to start living for something more than yourself.
Tiffany felt like she was ready for that. She could do that much.
“Who’s the father?” Mark asked, something that wasn’t actually a question for her.
Tiffany hadn’t dated since Gus. Caitlin knew that much, but Mark didn’t. Mark probably secretly suspected t
hat Tiffany was dating other guys all the time. Just because Tiffany was beautiful, Mark assumed she was always playing the field. She hated that assumption.
“Gus,” she said, watching smiles spread across both of their faces.
They both liked Gus a lot. They liked him to an unhealthy extent.
“Are you going to get back together with him?” Mark asked optimistically.
If there was anybody here who was truly in love with Gus, it was Mark.
“No,” Tiffany said with a strong voice.
That had been a question for her. She had wondered if just because she was pregnant, did it justify trying to make things right with him? She had broken his heart, and he was not happy with her at all. She had been honest with him and he had nothing to say to her.
There were no assurances, no trying to ease her mind. Gus hadn’t been ready for her. Maybe another time in his life, when he knew what he wanted, they would’ve had a shot, but not right then. Gus with a man was secrets and she wasn't willing to play with secrets, especially now that she was pregnant.
