by kendra Smith
Olive turned towards the window and looked out just as Clare’s warm hand squeezed her arm. ‘Now, Olive, you look at that brochure, will you? We need someone who knows the way when we get there! Did everyone remember an apron?’
Apron? What on earth had she signed up for? She couldn’t cook, and she bloody well didn’t want to learn at her age. What was the point of that? Who would she cook for? Oh yes, Stan. Now, where was he? Dear God, they’d left him behind!
‘Clare! We’ve left Stan! And I don’t want to learn to cook!’ said Olive and something seemed to change with Clare, who tilted her head to one side to look at Olive. ‘But maybe I could cook for Stan,’ she said hopefully.
Clare opened her mouth and then hesitated. ‘Olive, you’re all going to an artists’ studio, where there will be an easel and some still life set up, and all you have to do is paint them – that’s what the apron is for. The artist will be there to give a hand, show you a few tips along the way – and then we’re having afternoon tea in the café. Scones with jam and cream – yum.’
Why did they talk to her as if she were in primary school? Olive sighed and looked out the window.
‘And Olive?’
‘Yes?’
Clare’s brows were furrowed. They were often furrowed, noticed Olive. She would be much prettier if she didn’t frown all the time. ‘Stan passed away five years ago. You do know that, don’t you?’ She squeezed Olive’s arm again. Stan? It was all a muddle, it really was. Afternoon tea? Olive was always cheered by the mention of afternoon tea. Jam or cream first? She could never remember. Everywhere did it differently. Some places had warm scones, some cold (imagine!), some establishments served the jam in a little pot, others had tiny jars of raspberry or strawberry jam in miniature jam jars. She’d been to one place that served chocolate brownies too – oh, and egg and what’s-its-name-green-stuff sandwiches. The what’s-its-name stuff always got stuck in her teeth. Olive sat back in her seat and looked out the window.
The bus left the small car park of Maybank View, and trundled down the high street, past the fish and chip shop, past the Happy Hen with its stupid logo of a hen pecking in a field. She could feel every bump in her bony bottom; bother these wretched minibus seats. Cress! That was it! Then, out of the corner of her eye she caught sight of someone who looked extremely familiar. She started to bang on the window and wave at her! Yes, it was Maddie!
‘Clare, look! It’s Maddie.’
And then Clare gave her one of those looks like a doctor does when they are delivering bad news, when the cheery smile on the lips does not reach the eyes, where words are swallowed up in a pretence of smiles and gestures as the hidden meanings are processed.
‘Oh, Olive,’ she said slowly. ‘That’s not your niece. She’s in Bali, remember? She phoned last night, on Skype.’
Skype? Of course it was Maddie! Bali? What was she talking about? Maddie must have changed her hair or something, that’s all. Clare was just being silly. Olive banged on the window again. The stupid girl seemed to hardly recognise her!
18
Maddie
It was now September. She’d texted Tim that she would just be another week. He hadn’t replied. She’d been out body surfing a few more times, had spent long, lazy afternoons on the beach with a book, developing a golden hue all over her body. Her normal life had faded to the back of her mind. But then she thought of Olive and felt guilty. That last Skype call had been a bit of a disaster. The lovely nurse Clare had tried hard, but Olive really couldn’t get the hang of it and had kept asking why Maddie hadn’t visited.
It was 10 p.m. and her head was thumping. Her feet had been trodden on about a hundred times. Ed had convinced her to go with them to a music festival that night. She would have rather had a cup of tea and read a good book in her room – she knew her limits. Her toes were black and blue.
She focused on a group of girls gathered at a high table. Twenties, shiny long hair. They were golden from the sun and were in bikini tops and either shorts or small sarongs with fringes, tied around their waist. Flesh on display everywhere. They wouldn’t put up with mediocrity, would they? She studied their long legs, laced around the bar table legs, the green-painted toenails, the studs in their eyebrows, and wondered what happened when they had sex. How those long legs would entwine around someone’s hips, how the eyebrow studs would be crushed onto a pillow in passion.
How did those girls get so confident – at twenty she hadn’t been that confident. But something did change one day on the beach. She must have been about nineteen. Seeing Greg that first time had awakened a yearning in her that was primeval. She’d never seen anyone like him before, his wide shoulders, tanned forearms, as he waxed his surfboard.
Up till then she’d only seen sex on the TV – or what they artificially showed of it. She’d been far too afraid to do what the other girls at school had been doing. In fact, she had no idea what they were all giggling about mostly, but she used to join in, pretend she was worldly-wise, when really she was a virgin in regulation navy nylon knickers. She wanted to lose her nickname, Mediocre Maddie, and so she’d brag about what she’d done. Really, though, she didn’t have a clue.
But then things changed: she knew. That surge of passion and feeling that was hard to control. She could hardly drag her eyes away from him that day on the beach. After that, sex was all she could think about. He was like a wild animal that she wanted a part of, the likes of which she’d never seen before. All the boys at her school had been lanky, spotty specimens. But here was a man. She remembered when he’d first made love to her she had been so shocked by the strength of that solid body. She’d never known anything like it. The few fumbles in the games equipment cupboard at school on disco night were no match for the magnetism that formed between her and Greg.
‘Here!’ Johnny handed her a drink and she took a huge gulp and nearly spat it out.
‘What is it?’
‘A Bali special cocktail!’ he said, nudging her in the ribs.
She grinned at him and they started to wander around a huge grassy area; it was like a country fair, only a lot louder, and with far more hallucinogenic drugs and fairy lights around. Johnny grabbed her arm and dragged her to a bar. They were surrounded by noise. She felt dwarfed by everyone; the smell of sweat and aftershave, bodies swaying with glow sticks around their necks. Beards everywhere. Yet amidst all these hirsute males growing beards, the women, it seemed, removed the hair on their bodies equally fast.
The main stage was like an open-mouthed whale, housing the main acts, surrounded by screaming fans. More crowds had gathered at the front and nearer the back a few people were on beach camping chairs and rugs, lazily placed sprawled across each other, the way that youngsters do, not a care about cellulite or about muffin tops. She yanked her T-shirt down.
Ed came up to her with a plate of chicken satay. She was surrounded by the aroma of spicy roast peanuts. ‘Let’s go sit on the beach.’
They found the others on the beach, where a few towels had been placed on the sand, along with a couple of camping chairs with lanterns dangling from them, scattering light across the sand. Johnny immediately found her a seat, which she took with a smile.
‘Hey, I’m not an old dear, you know.’ She batted away his hand, laughing. Adity was handing round beers. She took one, took a slug and then started coughing.
‘Easy, Mum!’
Ed’s new mates were lying on the beach. She studied the boys’ long legs, their muscly thighs sticking out of board shorts, the various leather, shell and beaded bracelets that seemed to adorn all of the twenty-somethings these days. Ed nudged her. ‘You OK? Adity and I are just going for a stroll.’
She nodded and looked at the view. It was dusky and the sea was an inky black lake with a blood-red sun setting on its horizon, bleeding magenta fingers where the sky met the water. A few stars had punctured the smoky blue canopy above. Ed and Adity had wandered down to the shoreline, and she spotted them, their bodies pressed together in
passion, and felt a pang of something she couldn’t reconcile. Her mind flicked to Greg, but she hastily shook it away. That chapter is closed.
A welcome breeze brushed her cheeks and she looked over the landscape: a few rows of tents, multi-coloured domes of nylon, pinned to the earth, little capsules for sleeping, eating, and sex at 5 a.m. after stumbling in from the music. A couple of girls were already on men’s shoulders, the base thumping out music in time to the beat of her heart.
An elfin blonde-haired girl in cut-off denim shorts sat down next to her on the sand and patted her on the thigh. ‘Hey, you should try this.’ She smiled and started to rummage in her shorts pockets as Maddie’s heart thudded. Drugs!
‘Here!’ The girl was grinning at her and Maddie stared at her hands. She had her finger dipped in a pot of silver glitter and was swirling it around. Maddie laughed. The girl kneeled up in order to reach Maddie and started dabbing it across Maddie’s cheeks. ‘What’s your name?’
‘Maddie.’
‘That’s cool. Hey, you’ve got great skin, by the way, really soft for a woman your— oh, sorry.’
‘Don’t be sorry – do I?’
‘Yeah! Hey, I know!’ And the girl whipped out her phone and then held it in front of the two of them. ‘A selfie!’ She snapped away. ‘I’ll send them to you.’
‘Mum,’ Ed interrupted her thoughts. He was standing in front of her, her six-foot-three man-boy. ‘We’re going to the main act. Shall I, like, walk you back? I don’t think it will be your scene.’ Code for you will cramp my style, but she didn’t mind; she was exhausted.
‘I’ll walk her back,’ Johnny quickly said.
Ed looked between the two of them. ‘Cool.’
Johnny pushed his sunglasses further back on top of his head and his face broke into a smile. ‘My pleasure.’
She watched the group of them retreat across the sand, the girls holding hands, swaying to the music, or maybe it was from the cocktails earlier. The moon was now high in the sky, and she felt a shiver of excitement.
19
She followed Johnny back to the main road, her flip-flops making a thwacking sound along the beach until they finally hit the concrete pavements with bars and restaurants.
‘Had fun tonight?’ Johnny asked, linking arms with her as they jostled between the lively crowds on the side of the road. She was aware of the warmth of his body, the natural rhythm of them walking in step, a mellow feeling settling over her like molten honey spreading through her body.
She looked up at him. ‘You know what? I did.’
They walked in silence alongside the busy road, music pumping out of the bars, the noisy taxis and scooters whizzing past honking their horns, the pungent smell of diesel and the sweet-sour stench of rotting fruit.
‘Shall we?’ Johnny tilted his head to their regular haunt.
At first Maddie hesitated. It seemed wrong to be with him without the crowd. On their own. ‘Sure.’
The only seats left were at the back of the bar, in a booth. She slid into the seat, glad of the air conditioning. ‘I’ll grab us two vodkas on ice,’ said Johnny, leaning over the table.
When he returned to the booth, instead of sitting opposite her he slid in next to her. She smiled and turned towards him, picking up her glass, not sure what the rules were in this new uncharted territory, out alone with an attractive man. He smelt of coconuts and beer. ‘Cheers.’ She lifted the glass to her lips and took a huge gulp.
He slowly nodded at her and picked up his glass. She felt the warm syrupy liquid travel down her throat and was glad of the fire that picked up in the pit of her belly. His eyes fixed on her. ‘Maddie,’ he said, leaning closer, ‘can I ask you something?’
She nodded, not trusting herself to speak, inhaling the scent of him. Part-exhilarated, part-terrified. What she did know was that his leg was pressing next to hers, the firmness of it, the solidness. ‘What are you running away from?’
‘I’m not, um, running away, I’m here to see Ed.’ Images of Tim away for weeks on business, at the golf club at the weekends, her at home with Taffie for company, came flashing into her brain. Johnny’s face was inches away. She could see his pupils dilate, the way his gold earring glinted in the bar’s lights, his slow, easy smile .
‘You were, but not anymore.’
Her heart thudded in her chest. Having a drink alone with Johnny was different. It was not the same as going to the festival with friends. It was dangerously different; Maddie shivered and felt all her senses heighten. Was it the air conditioning or was it her? She was suddenly very aware of her breasts and saw Johnny glance at her hardened nipples. He placed a hand over hers on the table. ‘This Maddie, the one I see now, she’s fun. But the woman who got off the plane was a frightened mouse.’ He stroked her hand with his thumb.
‘Of course I was frightened – Ed was in hospital.’
‘That’s not what I mean.’ He leant back, put both his arms up above his head and stretched. When he brought them down he placed both hands on her bare legs.
Maddie took a big slug of her drink, grateful for something to do as Johnny gazed at her.
She was playing with fire and she knew it. But part of her wanted this, part of her was exhilarated by it. It wasn’t as if he was groping her under the table or – wait! She became aware of his hand sliding up along her thigh and she let out a gasp. His eyes widened next to her and she could feel her heart flutter a million times; he kept his gaze on her as he slowly traced a line up from her knee, up over her tanned leg, just to the top of her shorts. When it reached the very top, he gave it a gentle squeeze, pressing his fingertips into the soft flesh at the top of her thigh, then made little circles with his thumb.
Maddie could hardly breathe. Why wasn’t she moving away? Because you like it, said that little voice. Johnny was smiling at her, his head tilted to one side.
She thought of Tim sauntering out the house on a Sunday with a Welsh-lilting ‘byee’ as he clutched his golf clubs, she thought of the hours alone as he went to wine conferences and she started to smile back at Johnny.
‘Tell me if you want me to stop,’ Johnny said, his eyes never leaving hers – and with his other hand he started to trace a zigzag path up her forearm. Maddie shivered as a fizz of excitement shot through her.
‘I, I’m, we—’ But she couldn’t finish the sentence. She stared at his lips and wondered for the second time what they’d taste like. Her mouth was dry. Tell him to stop.
‘Hey! Guys!’ It was Glitter Girl. Maddie looked up to see her balancing three drinks in her hands, knocking some of the liquid flying and raising her eyebrows at them as she placed them on the table with a laugh.
The moment was gone.
*
When they got back to the hostel, Johnny walked with her along the dimly lit path back to her room. Cicadas chirruped noisily and they were enveloped by the heady fragrance of the frangipani trees. He stopped at her door as she fiddled in her money belt for her key, looking down. She suddenly felt unsure. What would happen next? In the bar it had all seemed so fluid, but on the walk back home a million thoughts had skittered across her mind. Images of Greg flashed through her brain. This was not Greg.
A hand was on her shoulder; she jumped.
‘You right?’
She nodded. ‘Sorry, yes. But Johnny—’
‘Hey, it’s fine, you’re cool.’ He grinned at her and started to turn around.
‘No, wait.’ She touched him on the arm. ‘Thank you for walking me home, Johnny, but… I’d better get some sleep.’ She felt weary. ‘It’s just that there’s—’
‘Someone else.’
She stared at him.
‘I was going to say it’s something I can’t pinpoint. It just doesn’t feel right.’ She shook her head.
‘Hey, no worries.’ He smiled at her.
He leant in close and she saw the spiky blond stubble across his cheek. She reached out and touched his face with the back of her hand. He held her hand in his, smi
led again, gave her hand a kiss, then walked away.
In the room, Maddie sat cross-legged on the bed, feeling the sweat build up, and swayed slightly. She could smell Johnny on her skin, hear the thumping music outside. She felt a bit deflated coming back. Not because things with her and Johnny hadn’t gone anywhere – that would have been wrong – but because she wanted to feel part of something. She ached to feel part of something bigger in her life, part of a place where she belonged.
She took out her phone and logged into Facebook. Then she posted the picture of herself that Glitter Girl had sent her and smiled as she looked at the image. She eased her legs out from under her, stood on the cold tiles of the room and thought about what Johnny had said. Maybe it was time to shift everything? To get hold of the corners of her world and yank them about a bit, like two children pulling on either side of a sheet, creasing up in laughter, instead of folding it carefully and putting it back where it just didn’t seem to fit anymore.
20
The next evening they were back in their usual haunt by the beach. Maddie was waiting for Johnny to come back from the bar with drinks and was looking at her phone. She swiped again and glanced at the picture gallery. She almost didn’t recognise the sassy chick with a glint in her eye and glitter smeared across her cheeks. She looked… what? She looked damn good.
‘Right,’ Maddie said abruptly, standing up, ‘it’s my turn to pay.’ She yanked her bikini straps straight and headed to the bar. Maddie put her card in the machine the girl offered her. After she put her PIN in, she handed it back to the girl.
‘Not working.’ The girl looked at her apologetically.
What? She had only just checked her balance on her phone this morning. It couldn’t be right. ‘Sorry, let me check.’ She pulled her phone out of her pocket and logged into her bank account and pulled up her current account. Balance: zero. Then she switched to her savings account; her heart thudded – there had been five thousand pounds in there. She’d been slowly saving up for Ed as a surprise for when he got to university, to cover some of his costs, maybe put a deposit down on a car. She’d been putting away some money from her wages every single week since she’d started working at the school. Tim didn’t know about it. It was her gift to Ed, her way of trying to make up for – no, don’t think like that. Well, it was all she could afford.
