by kendra Smith
44
Maddie had a terrible night’s sleep – tossing and turning and dreaming about being in a casino, shouting at everyone. A storm had been gathering pace outside and collided with her dreams; one minute in the dream she was with Tim, the next, arms linked with Greg. Winds had been belting her small window all night, taking the full brunt of the gale.
When she woke the next day she knew she couldn’t keep it a secret anymore. Tim had replied to her texts saying that he was in counselling and was dealing with the debt collectors and he couldn’t cope with any more stress. More stress? She really could kill him. He had no idea what he’d done to Ed. He didn’t deserve Ed, he really didn’t.
She gazed outside at the cold, grey sea and the black storm clouds still circling the horizon. She needed to tell Ed the whole story. It would shatter what remained of his childhood memories. He was in a bad place right now – but he had to know the whole truth. Especially now that the truth and lies were inextricably tangled together like seaweed on the ocean bed. She owed it to him to unravel it.
She’d gone for a walk with Taffie on the beach earlier to clear her head. She’d woken with a terrible hangover, but the beach had soothed it, the salty air licking at her cheeks, the wet sand underfoot. She’d been searching the beach, looking for a familiar figure. At one point she thought she saw him, but the curve of the shoulder wasn’t right. She wanted to talk to him but he hadn’t answered any of her texts. She’d left him a pleading voicemail to call her, but she didn’t blame him – he’d been humiliated.
She’d got back to the cottage and tidied everything away, moving slowly, as if she was in a dream. Ed was leaving tomorrow and she knew that they had to have a chat now.
Ed walked in, his T-shirt crumpled, hair unruly. ‘How you feeling?’ he mumbled, as she looked up from wiping the table.
‘Better than I was at 8 a.m. I’ve been for a walk on the beach to clear my head. You should try it – you look terrible.’ Ed was pale, his stubble coming through. He ran his hands through his hair and sighed, then sat down at the table.
‘Thanks. I’ll settle for a strong coffee instead.’ The rain continued unabated. Drum, drum drum as she made them both a coffee, placing two steaming cups on the table and a rack of toast. She held her cup tightly, glad of its warmth around her fingers.
After a while, Ed cleared his throat. ‘How could you even think about having him back in your life, Mum, after what he did?’
‘Ed, you were a bit drunk last night. I did want to explain it all to you but—’
‘That doesn’t mean what happened was right!’ he flashed back at her.
She took a deep breath. ‘Look, Ed. I didn’t plan this. I didn’t come down to the island knowing he’d be here! I’m here because this is Olive’s cottage and she left it to me – I had nowhere else to go! The last time I saw him was at the reunion, six months ago, and before that I hadn’t seen him for twenty years, Ed. That’s not me creeping behind Tim’s back. That’s not me planning to leave the life I had. Your fath— Tim, has done a good job of ruining our marriage himself, and Greg, well—’
‘He’s just fucked it up even more, hasn’t he?’ cut in Ed.
‘Listen, try to see how it was back then. You’re in love now, aren’t you? With Adity, I mean. It’s all-consuming, but sometimes it can make you do crazy things. He was such a free spirit, Ed, and I loved him for it. If I’d “trapped” him, he would never have been mine…’ Then suddenly the tears started to fall, ones she’d wanted to hide from Ed. ‘He didn’t know, Ed,’ she carried on. ‘That’s the point. My mum told him I’d lost the baby.’ A sob left her, as Ed shifted in his seat and looked out to the bay. The wind had picked up again and she glanced over to see seaweed being swept angrily by the gusts along the beach.
‘It’s fine. You don’t have to talk about it. All I know, Mum, is that he walked away. That says it all, don’t you think?’
‘Ed,’ she said, putting her hand on his knee, ‘when you’re a little older and a little less hot-headed—’
‘Mum!’ He stood up and drained his coffee cup. ‘I know you think you have more experience than me but you know what? Some facts remain the same no matter what age you are – he left you. How can you be OK with that? And what about Dad, Mum?’ All the air seemed to leave him and he sat back down. Taffie nuzzled Ed’s feet as he bent down and stroked him. She owed it to him to really clear the air – no matter how he took it, he had a right to know. Nineteen years was a long time to keep a secret.
‘Look, Ed, your… your dad, Tim, there’s no easy way to say this, he—’
Ed slowly lifted his head up from stroking Taffie. ‘Yeah, yeah, I know, Mum, he’s a shit, he gambles. I got it. I understand.’
Maddie took a deep breath. ‘Well, yes there is maybe that, but there’s something else.’
Ed picked up his cup and took a sip. ‘What?’
‘He’s not your dad.’
Ed held the mug inches from his mouth, then tilted his head to the left.
‘What?’ he said again and put the mug back down on the table with a bang. ‘Are you, like, actually crazy, Mum?’ He frowned at her.
‘No, Ed. It’s a really long story – I need you to listen.’
*
So she told him, told him about the pregnancy at university, about how she couldn’t face her exams, about fleeing home in panic in the middle of her Sociology paper, about how they’d all stared at her running from the exam hall, about the bleeding.
‘Mum, you’ve told me all this,’ he interrupted, turning a teaspoon around in his hand, the spoon glinting in the kitchen light. ‘That you were pregnant at university, that you lost the baby, that you fucked up your exams, that shit Greg abandoned you.’
‘Ed. No, I haven’t. I didn’t want to shatter your childhood. I wanted to let you grow up knowing you had a safe and loving family, but now that all this has come out about Tim, I, well…’
‘What, Mum?’
‘I lost one baby, Ed, yes, but there was another,’ she said reaching out for his hand. ‘It’s called Vanishing Twin Syndrome. And remember this was years ago, so the scans and all the rest of it weren’t the same as today. I was carrying twins, and the twin I didn’t lose, that was you.’ She squeezed her eyes shut to stop the tears from trickling down her cheeks. She never talked about this. She never went back to that place of highs and lows. One minute the agony of bleeding, the other, as the midwife found a heartbeat and they realised she’d been carrying twins all along. She reached out her other hand and placed her hand on his.
‘Another baby?’
It was agony watching him, as he lifted his head up higher and stared at her. ‘Jesus fucking Christ, Mum, are you kidding?’
Maddie shook her head. ‘No,’ she said, as the tears rolled down her cheeks. It was not meant to be like this. She had wanted to tell him when he was ready, when he needed to know. But with all the news about Tim, how he’d deceived them, she could hardly let him think that he was his dad. Yes, he’d ‘brought him up’ – to a point. Maddie had really been the only parent in that threesome. For Tim it had just been a convenient way to get someone who felt they owed him to ‘keep house’, to keep her down with insults whilst he clearly played away from home.
She knew it was a shock. Tim was Ed’s dad, to all intents and purposes. He had grown up with the man, flaws and all. Tim would always be the one who had been there – even though Maddie knew exactly how hard Tim had found it to be a father. He had been catapulted into being a parent and he hadn’t been ready for it. He’d been distant, wary. He used to stay out on business a lot in the early days, stay away for a day or two telling her he had important conferences. She hadn’t complained. Night after night would find her pacing up and down the hall with a grizzly baby.
Once, when she’d handed Tim the tiny bundle, Tim had flinched, not known what to do. She’d watched in horror as she realised he just didn’t want to connect with the baby. She’d hastily taken Ed back in her
arms, held the little soap-smelling bundle in a blanket up to her face to absorb the tears, and walked out the room, telling herself it would come in time.
‘How could you, Mum? How could you not tell me?’ He was angry. He stood up abruptly and yanked the chair back.
‘Ed, don’t be upset.’
‘Upset? For fuck’s sake, Mum – I’m more than upset. I’m, I’m – God, I’m lost for words. How did you think I’d react? I take it Greg knows, the bastard, and look how he treats you, just expects you to waltz back into his life. It’s unbelievable.’ Ed sat back down, almost as if the air had been taken out of him.
‘No, Ed, it’s not like that.’
‘From where I’m sitting it looks very much like that! All lovey-dovey over Christmas. It makes me sick!’
‘He doesn’t know.’
Ed stared at her, open-mouthed. Eventually he whispered, ‘He doesn’t know? Doesn’t know he has a son? Me? Jesus, Mum, what an utter, utter fuck-up!’ Ed fell silent. He twisted the teaspoon round and round between two fingers.
‘You have to know that I did it for the right reasons, Ed. For you. I wanted you to have a stable childhood… but it’s been a mistake. Being with Tim was a mistake.’ Ed dropped the teaspoon with a clank and snatched a look at her.
‘He might have gambled, Mum, he might have lost money, but he didn’t leave you high and dry when he thought you were pregnant, did he? In fact, from what you’ve told me, he supported you.’
Maddie couldn’t bear to unburden all of Tim’s failings on Ed right then. The lad had enough on his plate. ‘Listen, it might look like that to you, but after all the heartache Tim has put us through – and it’s been a lot, Ed – he has gambled our life away. Think about what he’s done.’ Maddie touched Ed on the knee. ‘I suppose, now, I was hoping that you would be able to see a future with Greg, because he is your—’
‘Don’t say it. He left you, Mum. Remember?’
‘Yes, but you know why now, Ed. He thought I’d lost the baby.’
‘Suppose so,’ Ed muttered, getting up and wandering to the window. Then he turned around sharply. ‘But he isn’t my dad, all right? I don’t have a dad. I don’t want to see Greg. Ever.’
Ed started to march out of the kitchen, but just as he got to the door, he turned around. ‘I’m going to see Dad, Tim, whatever.’ He ran his fingers through his hair. ‘But you need to tell Greg. As much of a bastard that he is, he deserves to know,’ he said. ‘What a mess,’ she heard him say under his breath as he stormed upstairs.
Maddie sat and looked at the pot of coffee, the untouched toast neatly lined up on the rack and the marmalade in the jar next to it, and wondered how on earth she was going to make things right.
*
Ed came back very late that night and went to bed without talking to her. She couldn’t blame him. She had broken his childhood, handed him a shattered camera lens to look back at his childhood with.
She gave him a lift to the airport the next day. They’d left early and taken the 4 a.m. ferry in order to reach the airport on time. The trip had mainly been in silence. All she could get from him was that, yes he’d seen Tim, but it hadn’t been for long. Ed had met him at the pub in Little Rowland.
She drove to Gatwick hoping he’d speak a bit more to her. But she knew Ed. He wouldn’t talk. If he was hurt he’d return to his shell. He’d shut everyone out – but hopefully not Adity.
She didn’t blame him; he had been given a new normal to cope with. ‘Here’s your father, the one you used to be proud of, who took you out for spins in his new cars. He has now gambled away our house, our savings and our marriage. Bad luck, mate. And look, here’s your real dad. He’s…’
No wonder Ed had wanted to get away after Christmas. She could barely mention the name Greg to him. She’d tried to talk to him again about it before he left, at the departure gate, but he’d clammed up and said he had to go. It broke her heart. She hoped he’d eventually come round. Some time away from all of this was probably what he needed – maybe Adity could help him see things differently. Maddie sighed. She knew she had to talk to Greg. He hadn’t answered any of her texts. She had to explain it all to him soon. And in person.
‘When are you back?’
‘Not sure. I need to see what Adity says.’ And he’d given her a brief hug. That had hurt. No longer did Ed make up his mind on his own. From now on it looked like there were going to be two people to speak to about plans. She’d loved Adity from the first time she’d met her in Bali. She really hoped she would be good news for Ed. And she hoped and prayed that Ed would not get hurt like she had.
She’d watched with a slow, sinking feeling in her stomach as Ed had gone through the security gates without a backward glance.
45
Maddie pulled her coat tight around her and bowed her head in the rain. It was the 28th of December and she was due at the café at 11 a.m.; she almost wished she’d never accepted the job, but Lauren had texted her yesterday to confirm she was able to come and had said she was quite desperate, as that day had been unusually busy and she really needed help.
Maddie pushed open the door of the café and was glad of the warmth. She could smell spicy cinnamon and the aroma of fresh coffee. Lauren was behind the counter, hair escaping from her messy ponytail and wearing a bright green Christmas jumper with a reindeer on the front and a red gingham apron. ‘Hiya!’ She beamed at Maddie, who felt instantly better seeing her.
Maddie hoped that she’d used enough concealer under her eyes to cover the dark circles and pulled her shoulders back. She needed this job and, if she was honest, she could do with the company.
‘You OK, hon?’ Lauren came out from behind the counter and, alarmingly, looked like she was about to put an arm around Maddie.
‘Fine!’ Yes, great – big night last night,’ Maddie fibbed.
‘Oh, I see! Burning the candle at both ends!’ Lauren laughed and then reached for something behind the counter. ‘Put this on, and then you can help me with the mince pies in the kitchen if it’s not too busy.’
After about twenty minutes, Lauren had shown Maddie where the mince pies were in the kitchen, how many batches to cook and how to refill the coffee beans in the machine.
‘It’s busier today than I thought – thanks for coming in. You can never tell – and Sue can’t get here till tomorrow.’
Maddie served the next two customers, a mum with her young daughter. They both had hot chocolates and scones. Maddie took their orders, their money and said she’d bring it over.
Once she’d done the order, she looked up to see where Lauren had got to and caught sight of her in a small room running off the back of the café. She popped her head round. It was a room no bigger than six feet square with a view over the bay. There were crates of bread, some large tins of coffee and stacks of takeaway coffee cups, but otherwise it was pretty empty.
‘Oh, hiya, I was just getting some more sugar.’ She bent down and grabbed two bags of sugar cubes. ‘Would you mind refilling the bowls on the tables?’
‘Sure thing.’ Maddie glanced between the room hidden at the back of the café with its view out to the sea and at the bare shelves as she filled up the sugar bowls. She filled the bowls methodically as her mind yanked her thoughts to Greg, much like a tongue seeks out a sore tooth and prods it, just to make sure it hurts as much as last time. No texts. She sent him one this morning:
I need to talk to you, to explain. PLEASE.
There had been stony silence in response. She knew she had to see him, to alter, forever, her future and what he thought of her. She didn’t want to embarrass him by going to the water sports centre, where he had a small flat tucked above the storeroom. He wasn’t answering his phone.
She looked up at the shelves on the far wall of the café and then leant back on one of the tables and folded her arms. They were bare, like her soul. The café needed something else to it. She frowned. Then she glanced at the small room to the side, back at the shelves as an idea
started to form. Maybe she knew how to fill up the hole in the café, even if she couldn’t fill up the hole in her heart.
When she was tidying up later, her phone bleeped in her apron pocket. She went into the storeroom and glanced at it. It was Greg. He’d agreed to meet her in a few days. At the beach.
Just for 10 minutes.
His text was curt. It was like a kick to the stomach.
But telling him would be even worse.
46
It was New Year’s Eve, a bright but chilly day. She called out for Taffie as she went into the kitchen, grabbed his lead as he jumped out of his basket. She bent down, clipped on the lead and picked him up for a cuddle. Setting him down, she grabbed a red beanie from the table in the hall and pulled it determinedly over her head. Letting herself out the back door, she took a deep breath of sea air. Its tangy smell and salty taste lifted her spirits. Taffie bounded around by her ankles and pulled on the lead, keen to get on with it; she was desperate to see Greg, yet a pool of dread was also gathering in the pit of her stomach like a poison.
She took the route up by the village first, and was going to cut down onto the beach further on. The local pubs and hotels were busy with crowds gathering for the big night. Tinsel glistened in doorways and fake snow filled windows. The Rose Hotel was advertising a ‘Candlelight New Year’s Eve for Couples’. She yanked Taffie impatiently who was sniffing the pavement next to the hotel.
The air was clear and the sky was a beautiful milky blue, remarkable for January. It was as if nature was hinting at what spring might hold. Seagulls screeched in the sky above her. The sun was low in the sky, but it still cast a shimmer over the sea, reflecting tiny sparkles of light back at her from the horizon. She kept up a good pace as her boots made a pleasing clip-clip on the pavement.
