by Kevin Leman
So how do you effect change in your relationship with your child? You retrain your pigeon. You use consistency and follow-through to make your point, never wavering from the goal.
How Does It Work?
Let’s say your child wants McDonald’s at the mall, but you don’t have money for McDonald’s. He pitches an all-out flailing temper tantrum, and you’re terribly embarrassed. What do you do?
“Mark, we’re not getting McDonald’s.”
Then you turn your back on your child and walk away.
“But, Dr. Leman, wait right there,” some of you are saying. “You don’t mean you should leave a 6-year-old alone at a mall, do you? How could you just walk away?”
Ah, but here’s the key. Your child doesn’t want you to go away. He won’t allow you to get very far. He just wants to do battle with you. He wants to win.
As soon as that child takes a look at your retreating back in the crowd, all of a sudden his fit isn’t so fun anymore. Winning the battle isn’t so important anymore. Finding and following Mommy—his safety zone—is.
Let’s say you see your 3-year-old purposefully knock over his 18-month-old sister, who’s just learning how to walk. Are you angry? Of course. That was downright mean, and you’re not going to stand for it. Not to mention the fact that 18-month-old Caroline is now crying. But first you take a breath and think through your strategy. Then you call Andy over to you.
“Andy, do you need some attention today? If you need a hug, all you have to do is say so. Just come on over and ask me for a hug. You don’t have to push your sister over to get it. That kind of behavior is not acceptable.”
You took the fun out of that behavior by naming the purposive nature of the behavior for the child. By doing so, the child knows that you know exactly what happened and why he did what he did. You’re the one in control, not him. He doesn’t have a reason to do it the next time.
Let’s say your teenager throws you some choice words because you’re having chicken for dinner—again—and she says she hates chicken (even though a week ago she asked to have it). When it’s time for her to go to Miranda’s to “study,” you say, “We’re not going to Miranda’s.” Then you turn your back, walk away into the next room, and start folding clothes.
Just like that 4-year-old who wanted his milk and cookies, your 14-year-old will pursue you. “What do you mean we’re not going to Miranda’s? You always take me to Miranda’s on Tuesdays.”
“We’re not going to Miranda’s because I don’t appreciate the way you talked to me earlier.”
You turn your back and walk away. No matter what pleading, what tantrum, what apology happens, you don’t take her to Miranda’s. She has to be the one to explain to Miranda why she can’t come. Of course, she might present a different take on the situation than you would, but what does that matter? You’ve made your point, and your daughter will think through her words more carefully the next time.
If you want your child to take you seriously, say your words once. Only once. If you say it more than once, you’re implying, “I think you’re so stupid that you’re not going to get it the first time, so let me tell you again.” Is that respectful of your child?
Once you’ve said it, turn your back. Expect your words to be heeded. There’s no peeking over your shoulder to see if the child is doing what you say. There’s no backtalk, no argument. You’ve said your words calmly, and they’re over.
Then you walk away and get busy doing something else.
Will your children be mad? Shocked? Confused? Will you have a few days of hassle? Oh yes!
But let me ask you something. How do you feel after you get into a skirmish with your child? Angry? Bad? Guilty? Do you yell and then beat yourself up the rest of the afternoon for doing so? Do you “should” yourself (“I should have done this; I should have done that”)? Are you the pigeon running through the maze, trying to get the reward of making your kids happy? Do you really want to live like that?
How do you deal with your 16-year-old when you discover a Penthouse magazine under his bed? With your 2-year-old who kicks you in the stomach when she’s riding in a cart at the grocery store? (I once had a child kick me at a restaurant, and I didn’t even know the kid. Talk about an embarrassed parent.) How do you handle the “I hate you/I love you” every-other-minute switches in your adolescent? The phone call from the principal letting you know your fun-loving son went a little too far this time?
What’s normal (or is there normal?) and to be expected? What should you major on and what should you let go? In the next chapter, we’ll talk about the 3 things most important to parents nationwide: Attitude, Behavior, and Character.
Remember, children are like pigeons. They need to work a bit for their rewards. Because they are creatures of habit, they need consistency and follow-through or they’ll get lost in the maze. They also need to know they don’t have free reign to run all over that maze and still expect a reward at the end of it.
Suppose you and I went through life following our feelings for the next 30 days. We said exactly what we thought, did what we wanted, didn’t do what we didn’t want to do. What would life be like at the end of those 30 days? A mess! We wouldn’t have a job because we would have dissed our boss. Our friends would have said, “Forget you.” And someone would have shot us on the expressway.
Today’s children need guidance. They need accountability. They need to be taught that there are consequences for their actions (or for their inaction). Otherwise their lives will run amok.
The other day, when my daughter and I were at the airport, we watched 3-year-old twins slugging each other. What was Mom doing? Talking on her cell phone. What was Dad doing? Reading the newspaper. I told my daughter jokingly, “Those are the kind of kids who will make your dad a wealthy man.”
Parent, it’s time for you to step up and be a parent. Your child needs to know that you mean business—what you say is what you will do. You are not to be dissed, and if you are, there will be consequences. Immediate consequences. And you will not be talked out of giving them.
Critics will say, “But won’t you make your child feel bad and guilty?” I hope so! It’s important to have a little guilt in life. And feeling bad can accomplish a heap of good.
Just wait and see.
Uh-oh, caught me. But I’m sure glad you did. I thought I was such a great mom. My parents were so authoritarian that I said I’d never be like them. I didn’t realize that I’d gone the entirely opposite way. I hardly ever say no to my kids. I’ve been running ragged just to make them happy, and they’re still not happy. Everybody tells me how much I’m doing and what a great mom I am for doing all this stuff, but I know the truth: I have a hard time standing up for myself. No more. A week ago I adopted your principles of “Say it once, turn your back, and walk away.” They really, really work. I’m stunned. My son willingly took out the garbage yesterday, even without me asking him, and my daughter brought bread home from the store just because she noticed we were low. I can’t believe the change!
Millie, North Carolina
I attended your seminar about changing a child’s behavior last week, and it was even more powerful than I realized! My week has been so peaceful and easy with my 3 kids (14, 8, and 6)! My children have responded wonderfully. And I’ve changed too. Not only am I setting limits for them, I’m doing it with compassion. No yelling at all, and for me that is just too wonderful not to let you know.
Delighted in Georgia
I love listening to you—especially your humor and personal stories (like the one about hawking a gob out the window and your son copying you). They make me laugh. But they also helped my wife and me come to a very important decision. I had just lost my job and didn’t see anything on the horizon in our immediate area. My wife has had a job and loved it for years. So now I’m a stay-at-home dad for our son . . . and loving every minute of it. It’s the best decision we ever made, and it saved us a lot in day-care costs too.
Stephen, Michigan
I’ve cried, I’ve prayed, I’ve thrown up my hands, but nothing worked . . . until now. Your “B doesn’t happen until A is completed” has turned around my relationship with my children. The first three days I used the principle I felt terrible, because I wasn’t used to being consistent on anything. But when I saw the changes in just three days, that spurred me on to finish the job. I now can take my 2 toddlers to my girlfriends’ without fear of embarrassment or having to listen to them scream. My 3-year-old walked up to me and asked yesterday, “Mom, may we have a snack?” This coming from the girl who would have ordered me a week ago, “Get me a snack!” It works! It’s the answer to my prayers.
Kendra, Texas
Tuesday
Disarming the Dude (or Dudette) with the ’Tude
Want a kid with real character who isn’t a character?
Here’s how.
My wife, Sande, always prayed for a man with character. And she got a character all right. Me.
That’s what many children are today—characters. Perhaps that’s why numerous studies show that the top 3 long-term concerns of parents have to do with a new kind of ABCs:
• Attitude
• Behavior
• Character
When the rubber meets the road, these are the things that matter most. These are the things that will continue into adulthood and make your child someone worthy of trust . . . or not. Someone who acts with kindness and respect toward others . . . or not. Someone who is honest . . . or not.
It’s All in the Attitude
Attitude is the entrée into a child’s head and heart. What your child thinks about herself—how she views herself and what happens to her—speaks loudly through her behavior.
Did you know, Mom and Dad, that one child just looking at another sibling can be a criminal offense? Consider these family felonies:
• “He looked at me!”
• “She wore my jacket and ripped it—on purpose!”
• “You never yell at him. He gets away with everything.”
• “How come she gets to go? You never let me go.”
• “Hey! How come her piece is bigger?”
Attitude can speak loudly—even if your child says nothing. Attitude screams in the “silent treatment.” You know what I’m talking about.
A negative attitude shows itself through many behaviors: the rolling of eyes, talking back, stubbornness, poor manners, being a know-it-all, whining, the “me, me, me” syndrome, defiance, throwing a tantrum, choosing not to cooperate with family members, showing disrespect, etc.
But where does attitude come from?
Who Do You Butt Heads With?
If you have more than one child, you know that all the little foxes in the den can be completely different. Some children will be easygoing by nature; others will be wired for sound.
Who do you butt heads with the most in your family? Is that child the most like you or the least like you?
The answer, in all probability, is the child who is the most like you. Kids who sport attitudes have parents who sport attitudes. Attitudes are caught, not taught.
Sometimes the parents don’t even know they are sporting an attitude. But what you think reveals itself in your actions toward your child. So if you have a “This is what’s best for you, and this is what you’re gonna do—and God help you if you don’t” attitude, you’re just asking to butt heads with any child who has a strong temperament. He will arch his back even at 18 months old. He’ll be resistant to your hovering.
The key to changing your child is changing your attitude.
Let’s say you give your child a simple request: “Please take out the garbage.” “I’m busy,” your child throws back in your face and proceeds to read her novel.
Ask yourself, What would I usually do in this situation?
If the kid is 6 years old, you could probably physically force her to do it. If the child is 10, you may get a little more forceful with your words. You repeat your command, a little more loudly. “I said, take out the garbage. Now.”
“I don’t want to.”
What happens next? Your angry attitude kicks in. Just who does this kid think she is, anyway? After everything I do for her, how dare she?
You raise your voice more. “Young lady, I said to do it NOW, and you’re going to do it NOW! Or else . . .”
Your daughter doesn’t even look up from her book. Why? Because she’s heard your threats before, and they don’t go anywhere.
But what if your attitude changed? What if you remained calm?
What if you didn’t pester her further after you’d asked her once?
What if you just walked away and expected her to do it? No reminders, no raised voices, no anger on your part.
“But, Dr. Leman, what if she doesn’t do it? I mean, my daughter wouldn’t.”
Simple enough. Just have another sibling do the job, pay him, and take the money for the task out of your daughter’s next allowance. If you do it yourself, pay yourself out of your daughter’s allowance. The point is, someone else is doing the work she should be doing.
What’s next? Your attitude remains calm. You remain in charge. Later she says to you, “Okay, I’m ready to go to the store to get shoes now.”
Your matter-of-fact response? “We’re not going to the store.”
“But, Mo-om, you said you’d take me to the store.”
“I don’t feel like taking you to the store.” Then you turn and walk away.
No guilt. No anger. No explanation. You’re calm and in control.
Just a Phase?
How do you know what’s normal, or “just a phase,” and what’s an attitude to be dealt with?
Almost 100 percent of the time parents know the difference between respect and getting dissed, but they choose to ignore it. Why would someone do that? Because many parents today want to be their child’s friend. But this never works in the long run.
If your adolescent daughter says to you, “Mom, that outfit looks kinda dumb. Are you sure you want to wear it?” her attitude will show in the way she says those words.
If your 2-year-old gets in your face and screams, “I don’t want to!” it’s not about the “terrible twos.” It’s about attitude, and he’s testing you to see how much you’ll put up with.
So don’t fall for the “just a phase” thinking. You know your child. You know when he is being rude and disrespectful and when he is simply asking a question to understand. It’s clearly all in the body language and the tone of voice.
When you launch out with this new method of “Say it once; turn your back on your child; walk away,” let your child work for the answer a little bit. Don’t just tell him why you’re changing your behavior. Let him figure out, sooner or later, that your new, consistent behavior has something to do with the big chip of attitude he’s carrying on his shoulder.
In the meantime, take a look at your own attitude. Is your attitude escaping, even when your words are pleasant? It’s kind of like what a wife might say to her husband: “Oh, honey, you can go ahead and play golf, and I’ll stay here with your mother.” The words might be pleasant on the surface, but what’s the attitude behind them? Translation: “I hope you have a stinking, rotten time. How dare you leave me with your mother! You’re a chump! And I hope you lose your 9 iron!”
Your attitude has everything to do with how you live your life. It has everything to do with how you behave. And it has everything to do with the character you develop.
How loudly is your attitude speaking?
It’s Not What You Say, It’s How You Act . . . or Is It?
You’ve seen it. You’ve experienced it in your own home. Hitting. Spitting. Interruptions when you’re on the phone. Sibling rivalry. Punching holes in walls. Stomping out of the room. Slamming doors. Screaming. Bed-wetting. Fights in the car. Fights regarding curfew. Fights over messy rooms. Purposeful disobedience. Put-downs. Struggles over getting up on time for school. Struggles over eating. Kid
s who don’t stay in bed but pop out like the Energizer Bunny. Carelessness with money. Lying. Not completing a project.
Did you know that behavior is learned? And that children will model their behavior after the things they see you say and do?
Think how many times you’ve said, “I’m never going to do what my father did to me. I’ll never speak to my kids the way my mother did to me.” Then you find yourself using the same words and the same inflection your parents did.
Think about that little “white lie” you told your boss: “I’m not feeling very well today. I think I need a day to rest.” And then you took the kids to the beach.
Or what about the time you promised your children that you’d take them out for ice cream . . . then you got busy with work and didn’t get home until they were already in bed?
That’s what I mean. Your attitude can’t help but slip out through your behavior, and children are always watching. That means if you want to see your child change, you have to change yourself. If you yell when you get angry, should it surprise you when your 7-year-old does it? If you give others the silent treatment, should it surprise you if your 13-year-old isn’t talking? Do you break your promises? If so, you need to start honoring your promises—or not making them in the first place. My personal view is that you should never promise your children anything. Promising them is saying that (1) your car will never break down, (2) every day will go exactly as you’ve planned it, (3) you are perfect, and (4) it won’t rain.
Misbehavior is going to happen. Kids are kids. Just accept the fact that they will say and do the dumbest and most embarrassing things you can imagine. I’ll never forget what our pediatrician told us when we had Holly, our firstborn. “You have to safety-proof your house because kids are really dumb when it comes to putting things in their mouths.” Kids will pull a dog’s tail and get bit, they’ll play in electrical outlets, they’ll run into the street, they’ll stick a finger in their sister’s eye, they’ll barf all over the place when they get sick—just as you’re getting ready for a big evening.
