by Kevin Leman
So what does that mother do? She goes out of her way to clear life’s roads for her child, to do things for him that he should be doing for himself.
She thinks she’s helping him with his self-esteem, but what is she really doing? She’s sending a negative message: “I think you’re so stupid that you can’t do it yourself, so I’ll do it for you.”
It’s similar to saying things one time only. If you remind children more than once, you’re saying, “You’re so dumb I don’t think you’re going to get it, so I’ll say it again.” Actually, saying it once consistently increases your chance that you will be heard and your instructions followed.
Many children are “mommy-deaf”—and for good reason. When rules change with Mom’s hormones, why should they bother to follow them?
Doing things your children should do is not respectful of them. Expecting the best out of them—realizing that “the best” differs based on the activity, the age of your children, and their specific talents—is respectful. Every child lives up to the expectation you have for him.
Don’t be afraid to set the bar high (many children can do far more than you could dream), but don’t expect the world either. If your D-student son comes home with mostly Cs and 2 Bs because he’s been working really hard, that’s something to celebrate! If your 4-year-old decides to clean her room on her own, although things are not quite as clean as you’d like, tell her you appreciate her thoughtfulness in cleaning her room (and don’t follow behind her, cleaning it further).
Does that mean you should never help your child? No. You are the captain of the Good Ship Family on the sea of life. Like all good captains, you need to be in charge of your boat and aware of where the hiddenrocks are, and you have to have a port of call to know where you’re going. There will be times when some of your passengers will fall off your ship, but you don’t have to let them drown. They will need a life jacket and a rescue.
Self-esteem or Self-worth?
There is a big difference between children “feeling good” about themselves (self-esteem) and true self-worth. Many parents today are so concerned about their child’s self-esteem that they are raising feel-good children: they have to feel good about themselves and everything they do. You wouldn’t want any waves on their ocean of life, now would you? Nothing to cause the little darlings to have to swim for it.
Making a child feel good is easy. Just give him everything he wants, when he wants it. But if you do, that hedonistic little sucker takes over and turns into an adolescent big sucker. He’ll give you a run for your money with his expectations. That run for your money can often last way into a child’s twenties and thirties. Interestingly, 2 of the 10 moms who talk about mother stress at my seminars are older parents who have a child college-age or older living with them. “Boomerang kids,” I call them. The kind of children who felt good about themselves because Mom and Dad always took care of things for them. Now Mom and Dad are seemingly stuck in that role even when the child is an adult and should be stepping up to the plate.
Part of the art of parenting is knowing when to draw the line and when your children need a push. Adult children who are still living at home definitely need a push out into the real world.
Did you know that your job, as parent, isn’t to make your child happy? In fact, an unhappy child is a healthy child. Look at it this way. If you’re happy and everything is going well, are you motivated to change? It’s when things aren’t going well that you start evaluating. Hmm, that didn’t work so well. Maybe I should try something different next time. That same thinking is true for your child. When a child is unhappy (it could be because of something she has done wrong or simply the fact that you are not heeding her wishes), she’s motivated to do something different. That’s again why the “B doesn’t happen until A is completed” principle works so well. What she gets away with . . . or doesn’t get away with . . . depends on how closely you adhere to the principles in this book.
Feeling good is a temporary thing. It’s based on feelings, and those change from moment to moment. A child can feel good about getting a toy he wants, but true self-worth is established when the child works hard for a toy, earns that toy, and truly can call it his own, thinking, I did that myself. Wow. This is how it works. By providing the types of experiences where children pull their weight and learn responsibility and accountability, you are establishing a healthy self-worth.
The Pillars of Self-worth
We’ve already talked about the ABCs of Attitude, Behavior, and Character and how important they are in your child’s life. But there are also a second group of ABCs:
• Acceptance
• Belonging
• Competence
These ABCs are the 3 pillars of self-worth for any person.
Acceptance
Remember, children long for your approval. Your unconditional acceptance of your child means everything in her development. A child lives up to the expectations you have for her. If, by your words and actions, you are portraying the thought, You are the dumbest kid I’ve ever seen, your child will have very low self-worth and won’t feel like she can accomplish anything.
If, by your words and actions, you are portraying the thought, Hey, kid, go for it; I know you can do it, you’re establishing a healthy self-worth. Children fly sky-high for a long time on just one compliment. But note that the compliment has to be true—not a made-up one to make the child feel better (more on that later in this chapter). Otherwise every kid on the planet will see right through you. Ah, I get it. I’m a real loser. And that’s what Mom and Dad think too. Dad can’t even come up with one good thing to say about me that’s true. And then that child will live up to your unwritten expectations.
If children don’t find unconditional acceptance in your home, they will talk less (or not at all) to you, listen to CDs nonstop, use their iPods at dinner rather than communicating, and swap stories via IM with their friends about unfair house rules and stinkin’ parents. You see, kids accept kids for who they are. They don’t hassle them for their blue hair (they think it’s kinda cool), their nose ring (they’ve got ’em too),or their baggy pants (give ’em all belts, I say!).
But the truth of the matter is, as important of an influence as peers are to your child, the peer group can’t do diddly-squat for him. Think about it. If your 11-year-old has anything, you bought it for him—that includes soap and a toothbrush. Your child is a lot more helpless than he seems. That’s why the method of “B doesn’t happen until A is completed” works so well.
Does accepting your child mean accepting everything he does? No, because as we’ve said earlier, children can do dumb-as-mud things. There will be times when, frankly, you don’t much like your child. But you can always extend unconditional love and acceptance. If you do, he’ll be less likely to seek acceptance in his peer group.
Belonging
Every child needs to belong somewhere. Will it be in your home or in his peer group? Gangs in South Central L.A. flourish because they provide a sense of belonging. There’s a shared ID there, something those children do not get at home.
From the get-go, establish your home as a place to belong. Give family members a vote in decisions. Listen to what others think and say. Support each other in any activities you do. Instead of piling on a host of after-school activities, choose them wisely so you can set aside family time. Don’t lose your family dinners or your family vacations. Friends will change, but family stays. Say through your actions, “We’re a family. We belong together.”
When a new acquaintance approached 15-year-old Melanie to ask if she wanted a cigarette, she simply said, “No thanks. We Crayburns don’t smoke.” Because Melanie had a strong sense of belonging in her family, she didn’t need that cigarette. She liked herself just as she was. Implanted deeply within her character were the pillars of Acceptance and Belonging, because her family had majored on family time and minored on outside-the-home activities. She knew who she was: a Crayburn.
Do your
kids know who they belong to? If there is no sense of “belonging” in your home, there will be no relationship. Without a relationship, your rules, your words, and your actions mean nothing. The wedge between you and your children will drive them toward Acceptance and Belonging in a group outside your home.
Competence
Want to empower your children? Give them responsibility. When your child takes the initiative to get the job done—whether it’s feeding the dog, fixing his bike, making dinner—say, “Good job. Bet that made you feel good inside.” (If used properly, you see, the temporary “feel good” can be an inspiration to a child to do something again.) And it did, because your child did something all on his own, and he should feel proud of that accomplishment.
When we as parents set up parameters for children to make, create, and excel at things, and then we stand back and say, “Good job,” that’s empowerment. What does that child think? Hey, I can do this. My mom and dad believe I can do it. They’re thinking the best of me. Let’s see what I can do.
Your child doesn’t flourish when you do everything for him. He develops true self-worth when he contributes to a project or, even better, does it himself. Those “projects” could include a young child getting her own drink out of the fridge or making a PB and J, a 7-year-old making her own lunch for school, or a 16-year-old newly licensed driver picking up groceries for you. When you allow your children to be competent, they will be competent. And if they fail? They learn how to do things differently the next time. As their responsibilities increase, confidence in their own competence increases. That’s how children get ready to move out into the adult world as healthy, functioning members of society.
Your children are longing for Acceptance from you. They ache for Belonging in a family. And they want to have Competence. If they don’t get these from you, they’ll seek them in their peers. You matter much more in your child’s world than you think—which is why your parenting matters more than you think.
My Child Is So Gifted, He Can Count Backward!
Ever heard one of those moms who just gushes out praise to her child?
• “Oh, Ethan, you’re such a good boy! You got an A in math.
Oh, that’s just wonderful! I can’t wait to tell your father. I’m sure he’ll take you out for ice cream.”
• “You’re so smart. You built that Lego tower all by yourself!”
• “You’re so cute when you do that. I can’t wait to show it to the neighbors.”
• “You look adorable in that skirt.”
If I went out right now and asked any parent, “Is it good for parents to praise their children?” I bet every single one of them would say yes. But they’re wrong.
Praise isn’t good for kids. That’s because most of the time it’s false and drummed up to make them feel good, and your children are smart enough to know the difference. It’s never a good idea to associate “goodness” or “cuteness” with how a child does a certain task. If the child did the task badly, would that make him bad or ugly?
Do you see where I’m going with this?
Praise links a child’s worth to what she does. To a child’s mind, that means, Uh-oh, if I don’t do something “good” all the time, then I’m not worth anything. And Mom and Dad won’t love me.
It goes back to the pillars of self-worth: Acceptance, Belonging, and Competence. Children need to feel unconditional acceptance no matter what they do, to know they’ll always belong to your household, and to learn to be competent. All of these pillars will be knocked down by the falseness of praise.
Instead, encourage your child. Encouragement emphasizes the act and not the person. Here’s a replay of the comments above, in the context of encouragement:
• “Oh, Ethan, you got an A in math. I know you’ve been working extra hard in that area, and that work really paid off.
You’ll have to tell your dad about it. He’ll be happy too.”
• “I love what you built with your Legos. It’s very creative and fun, and you did it by yourself. What are you going to build next?”
• “That’s a fun cheer. Where did you learn it?”
• “When you went shopping yesterday, you did a great job. That skirt looks great on you. A wise choice.”
See the difference? It may seem subtle, but it means the world to a child. When you encourage the act, you encourage the child to be competent and to try something else because he succeeded in that area. Little by little, your encouragements build a core foundation of solid self-worth that will last through any situation in life and even combat negative peer pressure.
So the next time your daughter plays the piano well in a festival, say, “Oh, honey, you must be happy with your performance. You worked so hard to get that piece just right. That was beautiful!” And the next time your child scores a goal in soccer, say, “I can sure tell you’ve been practicing hard. All that work paid off, didn’t it?”
Don’t praise your child by saying, “You’re the greatest kid who ever walked the earth.” What happens when she isn’t? Besides, she can already look around and see she’s not the greatest, so she knows you’re lying to make her feel good. That sets up the disconnect in your relationship: Hmm, can I trust Dad’s word? He’s snowing me now.
Instead, encourage her in what she does: “I noticed yesterday that you helped your little brother when he was struggling to tie his shoes. Instead of doing it for him, you coached him and then encouraged him, saying it would get even easier next time. That was great, honey. I appreciate it. You have a very kind heart.”
Such encouragement not only spurs your children on but further solidifies their 3 pillars of self-worth.
Remember the kid at the beginning of the chapter—the live wire and comedian whom only his mother believed in? The kid no one thought would go anywhere in life? Even though that kid was a goof-off, his parents provided a firm foundation of self-worth through the pillars of unconditional Acceptance (even though he tested it many times as he grew up, and his mother grew extra gray hair in the process) and Belonging (this baby of the family always knew that he was part of the family and had an important role there). His mother would sigh each time he failed a class, then encourage him in the area of Competence once again. It wasn’t until that kid met teachers like Mr. Stearns, though, that he grew in the area of Competence. For his mother, it was a long wait . . . but she never gave up.
How do I know?
Because that kid was me.
I’m in my third year of teaching kindergarten, so when I heard you speak about your principles, I was excited as both a mom and a teacher. I can’t wait to put your books on my first-day letter to parents as “Recommended Reads.” I’m also going to explain about the 3 pillars of Acceptance, Belonging, and Competence and about the difference between praise and encouragement. Your books will give me a way to talk to parents about difficult things during the school year—especially since I already know 2 of my 20 children were known as “difficult” in the nearby preschool. I have this sneaky little feeling I know where they got being “difficult” from.
Tricia, Georgia
My daughter called yesterday. She felt so stressed with her 5 children (ages 10, 6, 4, 3, and 3 months) and just needed some encouragement. Based on your principles, I shared with her all the things she was doing right and encouraged her to take the long view . . . and a nice, long bath when her husband got home.
Harriet, California
I’ve been divorced for 1½ years, and I have 2 young children. Because I felt so bad that they didn’t have a father, I was going out of my way to praise everything they did. Thanks for showing me the difference between praise and encouragement. From now on, I’m going to encourage my boys, not praise them. And I’m going to work hard on the ABCs instead of feeling guilty that I can’t provide everything for them.
Janna, Arizona
Your words about Acceptance, Belonging, and Competence hit home for me. I’ve always internalized the image of myself held up to me
by other people during my childhood. I didn’t realize how much my permissive parenting had to do with the fact that I didn’t feel good about myself. The few times I could remember my parents being kind to me had to do with praise. But I was never encouraged. Now that I know the difference, I’m going to go out of my way to encourage my daughter. I’ve been doing it all wrong, but now I’m going to do it right. Hearing you speak was a huge step of healing in my own life . . . and the encouragement I needed to look forward!
Marta, Alabama
Friday
The Doc Is In . . . and It’s You
It’s time to pull together your game plan.
Your mantra: “I can’t wait for that kid to misbehave, because I’m ready to go to war.”
For the past four days, we’ve been setting the stage for change in your home. You’ve done some evaluating each day about what you can do to kick-start that change. Today’s the day you pull your game plan together. Fun Day is just around the corner!
But first let’s review the key principles, because knowing them is the key to your success in this venture.
MONDAY
In order for your child to know you mean business (and to keep you calm and rational):
1. Say it once.
2. Turn your back.
3. Walk away.
TUESDAY
It’s all about the ABCs:
1. Attitude
2. Behavior
3. Character
You now understand where your child’s attitudes come from, and you’ve done a check in the mirror for your own attitude. You understand why it’s important to be aware of the purposive nature of your child’s behavior. You are determined to hold firm in directing your child’s character.
You also have the 3 simple strategies for success firmly in your mind:
1. Let reality be the teacher.
