by Kevin Leman
“I was so mad yesterday. I just happened to be at the kitchen door when I saw Isaiah, my 7-year-old, bowl his 2-year-old sister over on purpose.”
“My daughter Annie wears really short miniskirts, and her T-shirts are way too tight. I swear she does it just to drive me crazy because she always gives me ‘the eye’ and waits for my reaction before she flounces out the door. It’s like she’s trying to prove that she’s a big girl and can choose her own clothing. I don’t get it. We’ve never fought about clothing, what she can wear or can’t wear. But for the past year, ever since I went back to work, it feels like she’s been trying to pick fights. I want my old girl back.”
All children crave attention, and they will do just about anything to get it. If they don’t get enough positive reinforcement from parents, they will seek attention through negative behaviors, doing things they know drive their parents crazy.
Charlie hated being left out and wanted his parents’ attention, so he sailed right into the middle of the party. Kylie and Kari didn’t leave the party; they simply decided to stay in the center of attention and let the world revolve around them. Annie created the attention by picking fights—wearing clothes she knew her mother would hate.
Some children demand that adults pay attention to them. They’re the comedians, the entertainers, the crisis creators. They go out of their way to be noticed. I was that kind of kid, so I totally understand. (Oh, the things I put my mother through!)
How can you, as a parent, respond to such a kid? When younger children use negative behavior to get your attention, say, “I see you need extra attention today, don’t you?” Such a comment generally takes the fun out of the behavior, which means the child isn’t as likely to do it again. Then say to the child, “Honey, I’d be more than happy to give you attention. Do you want me to just sit and look at you? Would that be enough?
Or do you want me to take time to read you a story and play with you for a while? I love you, and I can tell you need extra attention right now. But just so you know, I saw you push your little sister over. Was that part of your need for attention? If so, you don’t need to push your sister over to get it. If you need a hug or a kiss, just come and tell me that, and I’m happy to do it.”
When an older child uses negative behavior to get your attention, the ante is upped. Let’s say your teenage daughter flounces down the stairs wearing a skirt so short that you wince. In fact, you’ve never seen that skirt before. Did she borrow it from a friend? You wonder. . . .
You know that she’s acting like this to get your attention, but she’s also doing something else. She’s building up her skill in the power game. I’ll MAKE you pay attention to me, her attitude screams. I’m not going to be what you want me to be.
And then what does she do next? She sticks her hand out and says, “Where are the keys?”
Your response? “What keys?”
At her incredulous look, you say, “I can tell by the way you’re dressed that you’re not ready to go out.”
Will you have a big blowout? Probably. But the fact holds firm: she’s not going anywhere dressed like that.
Too many parents back down from this attention-seeking and power-driven behavior. They let things slide, thinking, She’ll come to her senses one day. Don’t wait. It’s better to force a blowout than to suffer through the slow leak.
By saying or doing these things, you are telling the child that you know not only what he’s doing but why he did it. And you’re disclosing what you feel and see going on before your very eyes.You’re also telling the child, without saying it in words, Hey, kid, it’s not all about you. You’re not the only one who needs attention.Such words get back to the purposive behavior. All behavior serves a purpose. When kids act out, they are seeking attention. Calling a spade a spade gets at the core of what the child needs and also dissuades him from more attention-getting behavior.
When your kid does something stupid to get attention, simply say calmly, “Oh, honey, do that again! You haven’t done that in a long time. Oh, my, you must really need Mom’s attention. Come on over here. Let’s talk about that.”
Babysitting
“Friends ask me all the time if my 11-year-old daughter will babysit for their 3-year-old. I just don’t feel comfortable letting Lexi do it since it feels like a lot of responsibility for a young child. What if something went wrong?”
“A girl down the block has always watched our 2 children. But now she’s 17, and she always brings her boyfriend. I keep wondering who she’s paying attention to: our kids or her boyfriend? Should we switch babysitters or just tell her she can’t bring her boyfriend?”
Babysitting is a two-way street—choosing a babysitter for your children and deciding when your child can babysit other children, if she has interest.
When should you let your child babysit? Kids can babysit at age 10 or 11 if they are children who show a high level of responsibility in other areas of life, but I usually suggest no younger than age 12.
Sure, the money they can earn may sound good, but they are also agreeing to a great deal of responsibility—especially if the child they are babysitting is younger than age 2 and can’t express feelings and needs in words. Also, how many children would your child babysit? How well behaved are the children? A lot also depends on the personality of your child. Emily, for example, didn’t start babysitting until she was 16. Before that, she wasn’t ready for the responsibility, and she wouldn’t have been able to keep track of more than 1 child. Jill began babysitting at 11. She had a natural affinity for younger children since she had 4 younger siblings of her own, and she was used to juggling multiple needs.
No child should be pushed to babysit children from outside her own family unless she wants to. If she has an interest, offer the opportunities in bits and pieces so she can develop the responsibility for babysitting without being overwhelmed or potentially getting herself and the children into danger. I know two families on the same block who have 11-year-old and 13-year-old girls who trade babysitting responsibilities for the younger children in their families. On two Fridays a month Stacey, the 11-year-old, goes out for a movie with friends while her parents also go out for a date night. Kendra, the 13-year-old, watches the 3 younger children from both families at Stacey’s home, while Kendra’s parents have a date night at their own home. The next Friday, the two girls and the two parents switch roles. This way both girls earn money for summer camp, yetboth are just three houses away from a set of parents (the ones having the date night at home), should there be any concerns with the younger children. It’s a plan that works well for all parties involved. And the emergency plan has been used only once—when all the power went out in the house because of a storm, and Stacey didn’t know how to work the electrical panel to get the lights back on.
If your child is the babysitter, be careful about where you let her babysit. It’s best, if possible, for you to personallyknow the family. Either way, make sure that you are the one who takes your daughter to the home and that you are the one who picks her up. Sadly, I’ve heard way too many stories of grown men—fathers—hitting on teenage girls when they take them home after babysitting. If we had a teenage girl or woman babysitting for our family, Sande always drove that babysitter home. Because it’s easy for kids to make up stories about what adults do with and to them, Sande and I adopted this policy early on: I take boys home; Sande takes girls home. We’ve never deviated from that policy.
If your child is older and has a boyfriend, that can often add an interesting mix to the babysitting equation. My suggestion is that you have an agreement with your child that when she babysits, the boyfriend never comes along. That way she is free to focus on the children she’s responsible for, and she’s not sending a mixed message to the family she’s babysitting for.
Before agreeing to any babysitter for your own children, think about these things:
1. Your child’s physical safety and emotional security is in this person’s hands. What kind of pers
on do you want your babysitter to be?
2. What instructions do you need to give the babysitter about your child’s care? It’s always best to write them out and leave a copy with the babysitter so there is no confusion. This is especially important if there is any medicine to be given or feedings of infants/young children that need to be done.
3. How long do you want to be gone for the first trial run? Some parents decide to be gone only an hour and to go to a place no more than 10 to 20 minutes away from home if they have a new babysitter.
4. What expectations do you have for what will happen while you’re gone?
5. Some parents suggest a schedule such as the following: Pizza for dinner at 6:00. Movie (handpicked by the parents and on the counter) from 7:00 to 8:30. Bedtime at 8:30, with a bedtime story already picked out to be read to the children. You and only you know the children’s schedule. If you want your young children to be sleeping peacefully when you get home, tell the babysitter the schedule so things will seem normal for the children. If you’re a parent who doesn’t mind a free-for-all evening (and the resulting messy cleanup), that’s fine too. Either way, make your expectations clear to the babysitter, including that she will clean up.
6. Make sure the babysitter has your cell phone number, knows when to expect you home, and knows how to call 911.
All of these things will help your child and you to have healthy babysitting experiences.
Bad Language
I haven’t given specific examples here, because every family will differ on some of the specifics of what they consider bad language. A lot of it has to do with whether you are a person of faith (i.e., Christian or Jewish) who honors the 10 Commandments or not.If so, then those commandments clearly say to not take the Lord’s name in vain. But bad language isn’t only taking the Lord’s name in vain. It extends beyond that to words or phrases like Bleep you, the S word, A-hole . . . well, you get the idea.
Sometimes younger children will use bad language and not even know it. They hear it at school and just bring it to the dinner table as an experiment. Countless parents have been surprised by what’s come out of their child’s mouth in a matter-of-fact way.
One mom told me about a quiet family dinner she was having until her 6-year-old, Samantha, said very matter-of-factly, “Would you pass the bleepin’ potatoes?” The following evening, Samantha’s 8-year-old sister used the d word.
On both occasions, that mom just about dropped her fork.Her children just looked back at her serenely. On the second occasion, the 8-year-old simply said calmly, “What does d—n it mean?” Neither child had any idea what she was saying. They were just repeating what they’d heard out of another child’s mouth.
After the mom’s blood pressure slowed down from the shock, she took the experience a step further and decided now was the time for a teachable moment.
“I know the words,” she said. Then she proceeded to explain what the words meant and that they’d hear them come frequently out of other people’s mouths in public places. “However, we as a family have chosen not to use those words because they are filthy words and not honoring to God.”
Whether you are a person of faith or not, here’s something else very important to consider: the words you use reveal your character. Just by listening to the words you use, others will assume things about you that may or may not be true. Is that the picture you want to portray to others?
The bottom line is that families need to decide whether they are going to use certain words or not. Then they need to stick with that decision and convey those values to their children.
Bathing
“But I don’t want a bath! I don’t need a bath! I just had one last week!”
“It’s none of your business. I’ll take a shower when I want to. None of my friends rag on me about it.”
How is it that bathing and basic hygiene always seem to turn into an all-out war between a parent and child? And it all seems to start at a young age. To young children, baths seem like unnecessary evils. They interrupt the fun your child is having and require him to take time out from what is so important to him.
From day 1, make baths routine at your house—just “what you do”—rather than a big deal. Some infants are afraid of water; others love water. There are all sorts of bath devices to assist with this, includinglittle visors that allow you to shampoo the child’s head without getting soap in her eyes. Use these when you need to make bath time more pleasant. But take charge. When it’s time for a bath, don’t let crying stop you. Remain matter-of-fact and calm.
If your 6-, 7-, or 8-year-old refuses to take a bath, you need to get a little tougher. “It’s bath time. Do you want me to give you a bath, or do you want to give yourself a bath?” No child on the planet—especially a boy—would want his mother giving him a bath at that age. So off will come the pants, shirt, and socks, and off your kid will march to the bathtub.
Bathing can become a real problem in the teenage years (especially with boys who tend not to mind the locker-room aroma) because many teens simply do not bathe as much as they should.
When your teen is sweating or menstruating, and hormones are fully functioning, he or she should take a shower or bath every day. If your teen resists, simply adopt the “sniff test.” You can take a whiff as your teen walks by to snag some breakfast before school, or even insist on the underarm sniff test. If there’s anything smelly going on, you’ll know. If so, simply insist that he go up and take a shower now. It doesn’t matter if he’s late for school. In fact, if you really want to clinch the deal so that he’ll take showers from now on, write in the note to school the reason he’s late:
Franklin is late for school today. He smelled, so I insisted he take a shower first. Feel free to do whatever you do to children who are late for school, and I will fully support you.
Franklin’s mom
After that, do you think Franklin would miss doing his own sniff test before he even came down to the kitchen?
Brushing Teeth
“It’s so gross. I swear his teeth are turning yellow. Pretty soon they’ll start growing mold. I think the last time he brushed was when I made him when he was 12.”
“When I bugged her about brushing her teeth, she just shrugged.‘I chew gum, Mom. It’s the same difference.’”
“He’s often too crabby at night to brush his teeth, and I’m too tired to make him do it. Isn’t once a day enough?”
Brushing your teeth is a basic hygiene action. No one wants to talk to anyone who has bad breath—at least not for more than a couple seconds past the first whiff. Not brushing your teeth also affects more than your social life. Studies from the American Dental Association show that there is a direct correlation between how healthy your mouth is and how healthy your entire body is. And just because you chew gum to make your breath smell “minty fresh” doesn’t mean that you’re getting all the fuzzies off your teeth that can cause cavities or make your body sick.
Adopt good teeth-brushing habits as soon as your child has teeth to brush. Even little ones can learn to be adept at teeth brushing. Brush 2 to 3 times a day (what all dentists suggest!) so that it becomes a routine, not a fight. Brushing after a sugary snack is a good idea too.
If your child forgets to brush his teeth or fights you on it, adopt a “breath check” in the morning. Before your child goes out the door to school, he has to breathe on you. (It’s not the most pleasant job for a parent, but the results are effective.) If your child’s morning breath could stop a moose in its tracks, the child turns around and goes back upstairs to brush his teeth. No fighting. No questions asked. Yes, even if he is late for school. In fact, if he’s late, the better the lesson for him.
Brushing your teeth is basic hygiene that everyone should practice. Enough said?
Bedtime Battles
“It takes us about 3 hours to get the kids to bed. By the time we get through the requests for snacks, juice, water, a bedtime story, and tucking them in—only for them to pop out 10 minut
es later and come downstairs—I’m so exhausted I wish I could go to bed too.”
“Aaron won’t go to sleep without my husband or me lying down next to him. The problem is, by the time one of us lies down long enough to get him to sleep, we fall asleep too. I don’t think we’ve had any ‘couple time’ for over a year!”
“I remember always seeing imaginary monsters at night when I was a kid, so I understand Anna’s fears and I’ve tried to be patient. But lately she’s been getting up so many times in the night, claiming to see monsters, that I’m starting to walk into walls. There has to be a better way.”
I’ll put it bluntly. As my pa used to say, “When it’s bedtime, it’s bedtime. Either you can walk under your own power or you can be ricocheted into bed.” All of us kids knew that once we were in bed, there was no getting out of bed. Dad was absolutely firm about that.
The point is, every child needs a set bedtime. But that bedtime can vary, depending on the age and nature of the child. For example, a 2-year-old needs a different bedtime than a 14-year-old because that 2-year-old requires more sleep. Some children require more sleep than a sibling of the same age. The only children in a family who typically go to bed at the same time are twins and triplets. Does this mean that a child can’t go to bed before her bedtime, if she’s tired? Of course not! But it can mean an awful lot to your oldest child to know that she could stay up 15 minutes later than the other kids if she wanted to—a sort of birthright.
For many families, bedtime becomes a battle zone of:
1. going through the child’s getting-ready-for-bed routines
2. getting the child into bed
3. getting the child back into bed when she pops out
4. making sure the child stays in bed
Children love routine, so here’s a caveat: pick your bedtime routine very carefully. Once chosen, it will be difficult to change. For example, if you have cereal as a snack or you read a bedtime story, your child, resembling a Philadelphia attorney, will always require that you do those two things before he can settle down to sleep. The more complicated the routine, the longer it will take.
