by Kevin Leman
Overcautiousness
“Mindy is afraid to try anything.”
“Before Dave turns his homework in, he checks it over and over and over.”
It’s good to be cautious but not overly cautious. The key word is overly. When kids are overly cautious, perfectionism is in full bloom in your house.
A lot of children who don’t start projects fear that if they do start, they might do them wrong. They fear criticism more than anything else, so the worst thing that parents can do is criticize them. These children live life with a boulder around their neck: I have to produce . . . or else.
How did these children develop this fear? Because parents have used praise rather than encouragement. (For more on this, see the chapter “Thursday.”) They have overused praise with everything the child has done until the child tells himself, I only count in life when I do things perfectly. If I don’t, I’m nothing.
Here’s the surprise. You may have a child who doesn’t look like a perfectionist. He may be always late, his room may be a mess, and he may look like a mess, but underneath it all, he’s a perfectionist. He may get his homework done and get it done right, but then a month later the teacher finds it in his desk at school.
“Why didn’t you turn that in?” you ask. He has no answer, because he doesn’t know how to voice his fear that if he had turned it in, someone would evaluate it. Someone would give it a star or a black mark. And what if it was the black mark? How could he live with that?
If you are constantly praising your children for what they do, giving them the rah-rah treatment, and rewarding them with a prize every time they get a good grade or win a speech meet, then perfectionism will run its course and make your child overly cautious. You may not see it come into full maturity until your child is in his late teens or early twenties, but it will be there.
Interestingly, this type of perfectionism happens especially with firstborns and “only” children in a family. It makes sense if you keep in mind that their models in life are adults. Just Ma and Pa are around. No younger siblings.
What is the purposive nature of the behavior of being overly cautious? To get out of a task the child doesn’t want to do for fear of failure. In overcaution, as in all things, your relationship with your child is what makes the difference. So tell your child what you do well and where your blind spots are. She needs to see you laughing at yourself instead of taking yourself seriously and getting upset when you make a mistake. Then, when she needs to get a task done, take her by the hand and do together what needs to be done. Don’t let overcaution be a deterrent to completing that job or task.
As you work through overcaution together, your child will gain confidence. Then her fear of failure will be dimmed, with some successes under her belt.
Parties (Birthday Parties/Teen Parties)
Do you feel like you have to give your children to-die-for birthday parties? Why exactly is that? Do you fear your child will miss out on something? That you won’t be labeled a good parent if you don’t deliver—and deliver big?
Whatever happened to “invite the kids over after school forcupcakes in the backyard”? In the quiz in the preface, I mentioned these overthetop parties:
•Seven-year-old Rosa’s parents chartered a bus and took her and multiple friends to a city 115 miles away so they each could “Build a Bear”; then they celebrated with cake and ice cream at an ice cream parlor.
• Five-year-old Mikey’s parents rented the stadium club that overlooked an athletic field.
• Marti, a single mom, spent a whole month’s income on her 10-year-old daughter’s birthday party.
Oftentimes I’ve found that it’s the parents, not the children, who up the ante on themselves. Under the surface is the drive to prove themselves as good parents in keeping up with the Joneses. But is that really what children want? Most young children I know just want to run around the yard, have fun, maybe play in the sprinkler or with water balloons, and eat ice cream and cake. To them, that’s a party they can enjoy.
The Lupkin family has a birthday party rule that everyone in the family follows. Other than immediate family members, each child can invite one additional special guest each time he turns a year older. That means the 6-year-old can have 6 friends over for an at-home party. The 15-year-old can have 15 friends over. That has kept this family of 6 children out of the craziness of inviting an entire classroom over for each child’s birthday.
For teen parties, why not offer to have the party at your house? You don’t need an expensive limo for prom—and who really wants their child off somewhere with a date you barely know and a lot of pressure to drink and have sex? But you do need to know exactly what is going on (you don’t have to hover, but a few well-timed and well-placed walk-throughs are important). Even better, your child will be home and in a safe environment, and you don’t have to be up late worrying about who is driving her home (or if that person is drunk). When you weigh the food bills against the worry and safety issues, who cares about buying some extra party food?
The most important thing to decide is what kind of parties you will do and not do—and then stick with that decision, even if you’re challenged by the child or a well-meaning friend or relative, who thinks you ought to do more than you do.
Peer Group/Friends
Peer influence is extremely important in your child’s life, and it only ramps up as your child reaches the adolescent and teen years.
Years ago a classic study of peer pressure was done, in which groups of 10 children were brought into a room. Three lines were drawn on a board, and the children were asked to identify which line was the longest. The first line the experimenter pointed to was definitely the second longest line, but when he asked, “Is this the longest line?” 9 children shot up their hands. Why was this?
Those 9 children were actually in cahoots with the experimenter. They had been told to vote for the second longest line. The subject being tested was actually the remaining child. Would the child cave in to peer pressure when his peers were undoubtedly wrong?
Well, you can guess what happened. An expression of disbelief would cross the face of the child. Then, in three-fourths of the cases, even though the subject child could plainly see with his own eyes that the 9 other children were absolutely wrong in their vote, he would raise his hand to vote with the peer group. Why? Because he didn’t want to stand out as different from the others in the crowd. Is it any wonder, then, that teens do really stupid things sometimes when they’re together? No one wants to be the naysayer.
There’s nothing you can do about the strength of peer influence. It’s a part of life. But what you can do is to be aware of your child’s activities and who her friends are. That means having the peer group over at your home as much as possible. Make your home the hub of activity—the comfortable hangout place. Rent a movie, buy pizza, invest in a good CD player, whatever it takes. If you do, you’ll have the home court advantage (for more tips, see my book Home Court Advantage). It will give you an up-close and personal chance to see who your children are hanging out with.
You can also get to know the parents of the children your child hangs out with. In today’s world, it takes effort to do that. It’s not like the old days, when children mainly played with other kids on the block, and you just walked over to your neighbor’s for coffee. Why not call the parent of your son’s friend and say, “Hey, I just got a Starbucks gift certificate for a present. My son talks a lot about a Starbucks gift certificate for a present. My your son, and I’ve never had a chance to meet you. Want to meet me for a cup of coffee—my treat?” That’s a simple way to open the door for communication. And it also gives you the heads-up about what kind of person that parent is.
For example, when my friend Mike was 16, he smoked openly in front of his parents. So I knew I could go to his house and smoke cigarettes, and no one would say anything. But at my house? My dad would have had my hide for even trying them. It’s pretty obvious, even in one conversation, which paren
ts would buy beer for the kids and rent hotel rooms for prom. That kind of information is very important for you to know so you can encourage your kids to spend time with those who share similar values.
Sometimes your child will have a friend that you really disapprove of for one reason or another. My advice? Have the friend over to your house. The best time to do that is when your very stiff, blue-blood, conservative aunt Sally is coming from out of state to stay with you. Just say casually to your child, “Aunt Sally is coming into town. I’d love for her to get a chance to meet Philip.” That ought to make your child think.
Although your child’s peer group will have a tremendous pull on her, you want your child to be able to think for herself. Sometimes she’ll make mistakes—big ones. The most important thing for you to do is to stay part of her world. And, at times, you’ll need to enter her world, unbeknownst to her, in tough love. Like the dad who decided to go view the same movie his daughter and her boyfriend were supposedly seeing—he didn’t see them at the movie, put two and two together, and showed up at the town’s local make-out spot. Neither of those teens will forget the flashlight beam he shined into the backseat that illuminated exactly what was going on.
When a university student insisted on dancing topless at a local strip club, her parents were nearly apoplectic. However, when they confronted her about it, she said vehemently, “You just don’t understand like my friends do. It’s artistic expression!” But the picture changed when her two older brothers decided to go and view her “artistic expression” on stage, and her parents joined them. When the girl spotted her family midway through her act, her gyrations came to an abrupt stop, and she ran offstage. As hard as it was for those family members to show up, they did so because they knew it would bring reality into the situation—and show the act for exactly what it was.
I applaud all of you parents who take the extra time to enter your child’s world and show tough love when it’s called for.
Pets (and Caring for Them)
Whose pet is it?
If you’re one of the parents who bought a pet for your child because (1) you thought it would be good for your kid to have a pet or (2) your son really wanted that fuzzy little puppy, then I suggest that pet belongs to you. If you buy a pet for a youngster under 5, it’s definitely your pet. Between the ages of 5 and 10, it’s principally your pet. After age 10, it’s more likely to be your child’s pet.
Should children take care of their pet? Yes. If they want to claim ownership—“that’s my dog”—then brushing and walking the dog, feeding the dog, and doing dog poop control need to belong to them. Even a 5-year-old can use a little shovel to pick up dog poop and hurl it into your neighbor’s yard. If your older child—say a child over 8—has campaigned nonstop for a dog, make sure you go over these things with your child: “This will not be my dog. It will be your dog. And I expect you to feed it and clean up after it! There can’t be any poop or pee on the floor either.”
The problem is, as soon as you take on a pet, everyone in the family is going to have some responsibility for that pet. At first family is going to have some responsibility everything is rosy. That cute little puppy will get a lot of attention. Soon, however, it will become more and more evident that your child isn’t planning on doing a lick of work. If this happens in your home, here’s what I suggest: stake the dog in the front yard with a For Sale sign. Or put an ad in the paper or on the Internet to sell the dog. That ought to get your child’s attention.
In other words, don’t give your child wiggle room or any gray area here. Either he steps up to the plate and takes care of that dog or cat or guinea pig, or he doesn’t—and the critter goes to someone who will. I like goldfish because they teach kids a lesson about caring for pets, but you’re not stuck with them for years. They certainly teach kids about death and burial at sea. That’s always been my job: the grand flush down the porcelain canyon. Recently, though, I’ve been stumped by a black fish that won’t die. Every time we travel from Tucson to New York for the summer, we expect to come back to Tucson and find that fish dead. But the fish must have 9 lives. . . .
I love pets. We’ve had our laughs and tears over them (and lots of funerals in the backyard). I adore our dog, Rosie. She’s got a great personality. She even sleeps with Sande and me. She’s an integral part of our family.
But all 5 of my kids, while growing up, knew that pets were a responsibility. That once you got ’em, you didn’t take ’em back . . . until they went down the porcelain canyon or out under the tree in the yard.
Don’t get a pet just because it’s cute or you think it will help your child be responsible—unless, that is, your children aren’t enough for you to take care of and you’re craving something else to do. If you buy your child a little chick at Easter, you’re nuts. (If you live on a farm, I withdraw my diagnosis.)
Picky Eaters
There are three things in parenting that you don’t need to spend a lot of time worrying about—eating, sleeping, and going potty. All those things take their course quite naturally, believe it or not, if a parent stays out of it.
Eating is way too big a thing for many parents. They turn a molehill into a mountain by constantly harping on eating habits:
“Eat your veggies. They’re good for you. If you do, you’ll grow big and strong like your 143-pound father.”
“People who are starving across the sea would love to have that food.”
“Eat it. You’ll like it.”
“Just take a bite, and I’ll give you some candy for dessert.”
Those kinds of comments were around when I was a kid too, and they didn’t work for me either. But here’s the truth: if eating is in a mountain category, it’s because the parent is dumb enough to bring home all the sugars and fats that the kids are eating. If parents are smart, they start early in getting children interested in eating real food rather than the sugar-carb crap that serves as baby and toddler food.
Many studies have been done that show that children, if not pushed by their parents, will eat what their bodies crave. For example, children who are in a growth phase might require a lot more protein. Who cares if a child eats fish, fish, and fish for a week, then eats veggies the next week because that’s what she craves? She’s still getting an overall balanced diet.
When eating becomes a battle with children, it’s because the parents are too pushy. They hover, they overcontrol. And every child has a built-in antenna that’s aimed toward identifying what’s important to Mom and Dad. That’s the way your kids keep you over a barrel and controlled—at least in their thinking. So if you make eating an issue, they’ll say, “Hey, let’s give Mom a run for her money and see how far we get.”
One key to good nutrition is preparing well-balanced meals. Dishes should be passed, and children should use a serving spoon and put the food on the plate themselves (rather than being served a certain amount). Emphasize that trying things is good. Acknowledge that not everyone will like the same thing, but everyone needs to try it. Don’t force children to finish what’s on their plate. Studies have shown that your child can eat in one sitting only the amount of food that is the size of his fist. Any more than that can stretch his capacities and lead to struggles with overeating. Also make it clear that when dinner’s over, it’s over. There’s no going for the snacks in the cabinet an hour afterward.
Another key is not having junk food in the house. If you have it in your house, who is bringing it in? The next time you go to the store, check out the fat and sodium content in Lunchables and Goldfish crackers—two items many parents consider standard kid food. Then there’s McDonald’s and pizza day at school. The American diet, in general, is horrible and life-shortening. So many of the things our children consume are actually horrific to eat. And with our on-the-go American lifestyle, the average American child ends up eating out at least one meal a day!
Recently Lauren, my teenage daughter, and I went to a basketball game. Neither of us had eaten before the game, so we we
re really hungry afterward. “Where do you want to go to eat, honey?” I asked her. Well, guess what? She didn’t say McDonald’s or Burger King. Good for her. You know what she wanted? Salmon! Yup, salmon. A whole lot more expensive for her thrifty father, but a whole lot healthier for her. And you know why Lauren said that? Because Sande, my dear wife, spent her time at the food processor when Lauren was a baby, making her own baby food without all the preservatives and junk that go into the Gerber variety. What we ate at the dinner table, Lauren ate in mushed-up form. And it taught her to enjoy the taste of real food, healthy food.
That’s a taste she’ll have for a lifetime. Well worth the extra work, I’d say.
Pornography
All the mom had intended to do was change her adolescent son’s stinky sheets, but she got much more than she bargained for. Just as she pulled the sheets off the bed, something else peeked out from under the mattress: Penthouse and Playboy magazines.
Stunned doesn’t describe how this mom felt. What should she do? She had filth in her house, and her young son was not only looking at it but had brought it in to the house!
Here’s what I suggested she do. Rather than confront her 13-year-old and get into a yelling standoff, the mom quietly placed the two magazines on the coffee table in the living room, along with her Good Housekeeping and Self. Then she waited for her son to come home from school and discover them.
