by Laura Tims
DEDICATION
To every young person who has ever struggled alone with a
secret burden: I see you, and you’re incredible.
CONTENTS
Dedication
One: October 1
Two: October 3
Three: June 7
Four: October 3
Five: June 30
Six: October 5
Seven: October 12
Eight: July 16
Nine: October 13
Ten: July 20
Eleven: October 19
Twelve: July 29
Thirteen: October 20
Fourteen: August 7
Fifteen: October 23
Sixteen: August 18
Seventeen: October 24
Eighteen: August 24
Nineteen: October 26
Twenty: September 30
Twenty-One: October 30
November 7
Acknowledgments
Back Ad
About the Author
Books by Laura Tims
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
ONE
October 1
I’M HIDING IN THE BATHROOM.
My hands are shaking, and I’m crying. I don’t know when that started.
Preston pounds on the door again.
“Please open the door, Joy. So what if you blacked out last night? That doesn’t mean . . . what you think.”
It’s the bathroom on the bottom floor of school, the only single-stall bathroom in Stanwick High. Nobody comes down here before lunch. Nobody’ll hear these noises, but I muffle myself with my fist anyway.
“Just come out. I have something important to tell you. You’ll feel better.” He’s pleading. “First period’s almost over. It’s nine oh one.”
I flash briefly to last night. If anyone said “Call nine one one,” they weren’t fast enough.
Wouldn’t I remember that?
No, because I’m more than hungover enough to throw up into the stained ceramic toilet beside my face. But I shouldn’t freak Pres out. Shouldn’t make him think I’ve completely snapped.
I take a deep breath, punch down a wave of nausea. “Right. Okay. Right,” I whisper.
“Joy, please. Come talk to me.”
But I don’t move. I’m staying here with the bathroom graffiti until the world stops being messed up. Until I stop.
Names, insults, scarring the rust-orange paint. The only ones I read are two letters, scratched extra deep.
A.G. ♥ ♥
And then I do throw up. It’s quick and not messy, but Preston clearly hears me because he thumps the door with both palms. “Joy! Seriously, unlock this so I can—”
So he can what?
How’s any single person in the universe gonna fix this?
Outside in the hall, Principal Eastman’s voice crackles over the loudspeaker for the third time this morning. In here, it sounds tinny, distorted.
“Just a reminder that any absences from class today’ll be excused. The therapy room will provide grief counseling for anybody who needs it.” Pres stops knocking, and I flatten my cheek against the cold tile. The hearts next to A.G. march past the toilet paper dispenser. It’s not my sister’s writing. Some other girl with some other life etched those. Did she cry at the news, or smile?
A week ago I’d’ve known which one I’d do.
Principal Eastman breathes over the loudspeaker, no idea what to say next. First time we’ve had something in common. It clicks off, and the silence gushes back into my ears and nose and mouth.
He was cute, Grace had insisted. I wasn’t allowed to make fun of her, because he was cute.
Also according to her, he was sensitive, not a douche, for carting his Gibson guitar everywhere. What if he was lonely, living up there by the old bluestone quarry that his grandfather’s one hit song made famous? He probably needed somebody to talk to.
But talking wasn’t what he wanted from her.
Did I talk to him last night, before I killed him?
I finally get myself together and open the door. Preston pulls me close and walks me back into the land of the living. He grips my backpack, steers me down the hall. It makes me move like a killer: stiff, jerky. At least my legs work like a human’s. Whatever I turned into last night, it’s still wearing my skin.
“You gotta quit freaking out,” Pres whispers. I barely hear him. “I have to tell you something once we’re alone. It’s important.”
Nobody points at me and screams You pushed Adam Gordon into the quarry last night!—but nobody looks at me, either, even though Preston’s awkwardly guiding me down the hall like a prisoner. His frizzy orange curls, his jeans that end an inch above the ankle . . . they always stand out, but not today. The bell’s gone off, hallway’s flooded, but no one rushes. They trade hushed information.
“It was his eighteenth birthday party.”
“It’s creepy that they found him in the quarry. Those lyrics to his granddad’s song . . . ‘Carry me down to the quarry . . .’”
“He was so drunk, it was dark, he fell in.”
“See?” Pres says as he leads me toward the counseling room. “Accident. Not you.”
Maybe . . .
Kennedy Brown flies out in front of us, sobbing, hurling herself into Sarah McCaughney’s arms. My spine shakes apart.
The world isn’t a fair enough place that Adam would’ve staggered drunk over the edge by himself. Not after all the time I spent imagining stabbing-shooting-crushing him. It must’ve been me.
Whether I was sober enough to remember it or not.
Ms. Bell, Preston’s mom, is the school counselor. Clumped on her lumpy beige couches, underneath the loud mental health posters (Invest in your Life! Go for a Walk!) are Kennedy, Sarah, Ben Stockholm, some other artsy seniors. A couple of other juniors like me. Adam’s people. I sit on the carpet by the door.
“We met at summer camp when we were kids.” Kennedy stuffs used tissues into her sweater pocket. “No one should ever die if you remember what they looked like when they were seven years old.”
Sarah shifts, silky blond hair hiding her eyes. Flashes of last night: she and Kennedy were barefoot on the lawn, dancing together by the bonfire. But I was looking for Adam, so I went inside, pushed through music and bodies, deeper into the big slanted house on the hill. Passing the bar, I snatched a bottle of Four Roses bourbon for bravery. And . . .
Blurry dreams. This morning, in my bed, shoes still on, hair knotted, cotton mouthed.
And the guy I’d looked for, wanted gone—
“This is hard for you all. Very hard.” Ms. Bell’s pale under the burst of purple in her scarf, and the glass lily on a ribbon around her neck is orange like the hair she shares with Pres. She catches my eye, smiles small and sad. I’m special to her. The only one who hangs out with her son.
She’ll hate me when she hears. But I gotta tell. My mouth’s novocaine numb. I open it anyway. “I’m—”
But the door opens faster. Cassius Somerset—Adam’s best friend—stands in the doorway and looks around. He has vitiligo, so his skin’s like a map, continents breaking up the brown on his arms, neck, wide face. His hair’s buzzed across his forehead in a ruler-sharp line. He’s a broad person, but he’s always trying to take up less space. There’s a mark on his hip, hidden now, like a comet trailing stars down his thigh. I think I’m the only one who knows about that.
Amazing how someone’s presence can firebomb your skin, right up until it doesn’t anymore.
He turns, sees me. He has a black eye. Cassius, president of the Art Club, vegetarian who speaks so quietly they turned the mic up extra loud during his valedictorian speech to the freshmen this year, has a black ey
e.
He gazes at me for a minute, shell-shocked. He walks back out of the room.
Kennedy rakes her fingers through her hair, whispers to Sarah. I swear everyone can sense it when two people’ve had sex. Like a ghost in the air.
But who cares about that now?
“I’m sorry,” I say aloud, suddenly, crackly, useless.
It’s weird, being the only one who knows what I’m apologizing for.
I’m not letting myself hide in the bathroom anymore.
Since the beginning of school last month, the cafeteria’s been a war zone for me. I looked around corners with a mirror. Adam was a land mine, winning the battle he didn’t even know was happening.
Now I’ve won, I guess.
I sit at the table closest to the garbage cans and do the bravest thing I’ve done all day: I check my phone.
Twenty texts from Grace.
It wouldn’t be twenty if it were just about our fight last night. She’s heard.
I sneak a gulp from the minibottle of Jägermeister in my backpack, stolen from the sample collection Dad has. It’s an art—drinking enough that you can breathe again but not so much that people notice. One I’ve perfected in the last month. The alcohol burns my throat. It burned last night, too, on the way to the party, but it wouldn’t have been enough to make me forget. What I drank after I got there was enough.
November sits down across from me, and I ram the bottle back into my bag. She’s eight inches shorter than me, but somehow way taller. Her hair’s in a zillion braids, half of them green. She probably wondered why I stopped begging her to dye mine, halfway through the summer.
“You okay?” she asks immediately.
“I’m always okay,” I say without thinking.
She toys with her rubber bands. She’s never explained why, but she always has at least ten on each wrist. “So. Adam. Damn.”
Everything she and I did together over the summer feels like a movie I watched about someone else. The silence between you and someone you’re supposed to love can get bigger and bigger, both of you feeding it, until you can barely see the person on the other side. And you wonder how long it’s been since you looked.
“I went to his birthday party,” I force out. “Got sorta wasted. I don’t remember anything after his front door.”
Her eyes widen. “Why the hell did you go? I told you to keep away from him.”
People lie all the time. I can lie. Just lie, Joy.
Instead I start crying.
She moves to the seat next to me and sighs. She presses me into her chest, arms solid wire. A hurricane couldn’t move her if she didn’t give it signed permission. It fucks me up that she thinks I’m sad for him.
“I’ll go with you,” she says.
For a second I think she’s talking about jail.
“To his funeral in a couple days. You know I hated that dick, but if you’re crying you need to go, and if you need to go, you can’t go alone.”
If I see his body, maybe I’ll remember what happened.
“Grace can come, too,” she says quietly. I don’t say anything. Empty noise fills me.
“I’m gonna head home. Principal Eastman said all absences are excused. Should take advantage.”
She’s already halfway up. “I’ll drive you. My car’s right at the front of the senior lot.”
“No.” I swallow. “I want to walk.”
Stanwick, New York, has two claims to fame—the birthplace of the seventies hit “Carry Me Down to the Quarry” and the fact that the Times named it the third most walkable small town in America, like small towns aren’t walkable by definition. I don’t know anyone who lives farther than two miles from the high school. Even the elementary school playground and the shopping center with the Regal Cinemas are just a twenty-minute walk from my house. The quarry, Adam’s house: half an hour. An easy trip, even in the dark, up that road past the tall black pines.
I’m halfway home when my phone goes off again and again. Preston, texting—he’s worried.
Did you ditch? I told you I need to talk to you.
I text him back: sorry. tell me now.
Okay, listen: I know why you couldn’t have done it. You left the party last night before Adam died. After you told me about your fight with Grace and quit replying, I figured it was where you went.
Was scared you’d do something bad. So I went to the party and looked everywhere (Everywhere) but you weren’t there. Adam was definitely alive at that point.
I know because he called me a fucking fag and made me leave.
I close my eyes and squeeze my phone until my knuckles ache.
I left the party before he died. It wasn’t me.
I’m not going to jail. I’m not capable of it after all. I’m normal, thank God, oh thank God.
u r the most incredible friend in the world thank u so much
I sprint the rest of the way, even though it kills my head. I’m awake now. Now that Adam’s dead, now that the universe is proving it does love us, maybe Grace’ll wake up, too.
Mom and Dad are still at work—Mom at her law office, Dad at the gym. The only sound at home is a thudding underneath the floorboards. It’s always there, like a heartbeat. She’s on the treadmill.
I slam downstairs to the exercise room. The walls yell at me, Dad’s posters: You Are as Strong as You Want to Be! Push Through It! Breathe! I’m just going to talk to my twin, not jump into a pool of sharks. The only reason my legs feel like this is because I ran here.
Some people jog with their limbs flailing in what Dad calls a disorganized unit. Grace is an organized unit. She runs clean, elbows in, flat-ironed hair twined up tight, bangs pinned to her scalp. We’re identical in the same way as a sketch and a painting. Same basic material, but only one of us is polished-perfect. Even in our fourth-grade gym relay races, she ran like that.
She hears me come in and hits a button. The treadmill slows but doesn’t stop. Sweat studs her forehead, her waterproof makeup flawless. “You get my texts?” The words heave out of her.
She doesn’t know about Adam. If she did, she’d be crying, laughing, hugging me, sliding back into her old self.
“He’s dead,” I blurt. “Adam. He fell into the quarry last night, bashed his head. Everyone always said how someone was going to fall in. It’s like the universe was listening to us.”
I stare at her with anticipation. She’ll get off the treadmill. We’ll step into the time machine, go back to the beginning of the summer, and redo everything.
“I heard,” she says. She doesn’t get off the treadmill.
“Do you feel . . . How do you feel?”
She shrugs. “Glad. I guess.” Thud, thud, thud. “Maybe I’m still taking it in.”
She’s paler, wider than me, and I swear her eyes are bluer, but we both have the double sports bra boobs, the narrow upper lip, the stubby Morris thumbs from Dad.
“So how was the party?” she asks, throwing a spear through my chest.
“You know I went?”
“I heard you climb out your window.” A weird cold silence. “You said we shouldn’t go, and you went by yourself.”
I laugh desperately. “It doesn’t matter now, does it?”
“You didn’t have anything to do with him falling, then.”
“No.” I need her to believe I’m not capable of that. No matter what threats I’ve made, raging at my worst. “I thought I’d confront him or something. It was stupid. But I left before anything happened to him. The night’s . . . blurry.”
“You were drunk?”
Remember what happened the last time you got drunk there?
“I was scared,” I say.
Sweat dyes dark circles under her armpits, on her chest. People always say twins can read each other’s minds. I’m supposed to be able to read her mind.
“Are we still fighting?” I ask.
“I guess not.”
“Can you get off the treadmill?”
“Can’t. I ate, like, fiv
e hundred extra calories by accident.”
Which is one of the things she says these days that I don’t get.
Then she’s silent forever, except for the pound of her feet on the treadmill. Silence is the worst thing someone can give you. Your mind fills it with every possible bad thing.
He’s gone, but nothing’s changed. What if this is just the way things are now?
“Joy?” She steps off the treadmill, finally. Her makeup’s not so perfect after all, foundation-caked scabs on her forehead where she’s been squeezing blackheads, eyebrows plucked raw. But her eyes are still a little bluer than mine.
“I’m fine,” she’s saying. “I’m fine with it. I’ve always been fine. Everything will be okay now.”
TWO
October 3
I’VE NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT HOW BIG A coffin a six-foot-tall person needs. The lid’s open and I can’t see him from our spot in the back, but I can feel his ghost. Since it happened, any room he was in was on fire. This one’s barely smoking.
November slouches beside me, her earbuds twisted around her wrist. “You okay?”
I make myself smile. “I’m always okay.”
She nods. “So, Grace isn’t . . .”
“No, she’s not coming.”
She nods again.
Above us, there’s a dustless plaster Jesus on a glossy black cross, even though it’s a funeral home, not a church. There’s another service going on across the hall, smaller but with people crying louder. How many funerals does a town like Stanwick have per week? How often do people die?
I look around. Half the school’s here. Even Principal Eastman sits in front, tall and straight so people notice he came. Ms. Bell, a beaded black scarf around her neck, murmurs to Ben Stockholm, quick hands illustrating everything she says. Cassius is in the corner, hunched like something’s fighting its way out of his spine. I can’t tell if I feel bad for him or if I want to yell at him.
And Mr. Gordon—Adam’s dad—stands near the casket, fumbling to shake people’s hands as they greet him. His alcohol stink battles the smell of all the flowers, makes the hidden bottle in my pocket burn. His hair curls in gray waves under his cheekbones, skin too taut over a jawline that probably cut through hearts like butter when he was eighteen. Adam would have looked like him.
