by Deborah Levy
It is true she turns her male lovers into swine.
It is true she rides over corn and heads of grasses.
These are merely images.
She is a poet.
‘Y’know I love you Y’know I love you Y’know I love you.’ It is a woman’s voice, breathless and monotonous, and cutting through her, an angry man shouting ‘I don’t know, I don’t know.’ I run upstairs and bang on the door with both fists, ‘Y’know I love you’ getting louder as I bang again. The man who lives there opens the door, first a little and then wider, a little pot of pink yoghurt clasped to his chest. ‘Hello, Lapinski,’ he says. We stare at each other and all the time, she, the woman is saying ‘Y’know I love you Y’know I love you Y’know I love you.’ He smiles, ‘She comes in three sizes,’ and points to a doll, five foot long, lying on the floor in front of the flickering television, yellow plastic skin, black hair and slanting eyes. ‘Just taming the savage,’ he says.
As I turn to go he shouts, ‘Lapinski, don’t thump on my door again you cunt . . . I’m relaxing with a strawberry yoghurt. Do you know my dolly can talk? She’s moved in with me and she only says nice things.’ He points with his teaspoon to the O of her dead talking mouth.
The sound of a piano playing in some hidden part of the city drifts ghost-like through the walls. A strange, ecstatic sound; fragile and triumphant and full of bones. When The Poet throws back her head and roars with laughter, my cat stares into her mouth with wonder. ‘Today I saw a band of clowns in the street, banging drums, dancing, red noses and baggy checked trousers. They were shouting ‘Join the community church . . . join today . . . Jesus enjoyed a good joke . . . Jesus liked to laugh too,’ and they gave out free balloons to passers-by who were desperate to laugh and so they did because if you see a red nose you must laugh and be happy. I don’t think Jesus was so begging that he wore a red nose in the desert in case a passing nomad needed cheering up?’
We have finished our stew and I am polishing The Poet’s boots. She has only one pair and they have to last. My cat loves The Poet. They watch fat moths circle the lamp and when I hear bird noises I don’t know which of the two is making them. They have long conversations I don’t understand. I pass her the gleaming boots – my father taught me to polish my school shoes every morning in the special way an icon maker from Yalta taught him. The Poet grudgingly admires her boots (the icon maker was a vain man and made sure the tricks he passed on would be admired), wraps a shawl around her shoulders, pins it with a glistening brooch. ‘I’ll be off, Lapinski, I can see from that glint in your bleary eyes you want to light your second cigar of the evening and summon a few demons. Oh don’t deny it . . . don’t deny it . . . like all people who feel uncomfortable in an uncomfortable world you want to make a map. Well let me tell you it is difficult to make a map in splintered times when whole worlds and histories collide.’ She kisses me on the cheek and says goodbye to my cat with her eyes, which are turquoise tonight. ‘When I first met you, Lapinski, you were attempting to brew vodka from peach stones . . .’ Small and bright and certain against the night sky, she walks in the direction of the zoo. As she turns the corner, she looks like a beast of burden. A llama. An animal that survives in harsh climates. Hunted for meat, milk, wool, dung.
Rain falls from a luminous sky on the broken wing of a Chinese umbrella, and under it a woman walks through the heart of London, with fast little steps in the direction of the hospital. She can hear voices, maybe from the cocktail bar where a young entrepreneur in sunglasses talks feverishly, breath quickening like an eroticized mercenary planning a raid, pointing to his ‘joybox’, a Ferrari parked outside. She says to the boy leaning against the wall, little ivory skull glued to the toe of his shoe, ‘It’s happy hour and my friend is dying. I have to find the hospital.’ He gives her a cigarette which she lights, balancing her broken umbrella
On your old breast, dear
My permed head I’ll rest, dear
wipes the rain out of her eyes and stares into his with an expression he cannot meet. ‘We must treat the dying like kings you know.’ She looks into the window of the bar where two waiters, blond hair gelled and parted immaculately in the middle, serve pink champagne and langoustines. They glide from table to table carrying pecan pie and crème caramel on the dip of their wrists, the backs of their long necks shaved in symmetrical sculptures. The blonder waiter gives a customer a small pair of metal pliers to crack the claws of his lobster. The woman looks at the boy again, smiles a ravishing smile, adjusts the lemon silk of her best suit and says, ‘I’ve always been partial to lobster myself.’ She crosses the road and, blinded by the rain, trips over a pigeon-coloured blanket that turns out to be a man sleeping rough on the pavement.
Lapinski is a shameless cunt. I don’t know what accent she’s wearing today because it changes like the English weather, but I do know she hates my plastic love dolly and can’t stand me either. She makes me feel weird under my suit but when I told her she made me feel weird she said I probably feel weird anyway. Her eyes gore into my ribs and crack them just when I think I’ve impressed her.
When she comes upstairs to whine at me about my lifestyle I have to spray my flat with a floral aerosol because she stinks. I think it’s because she seals the soles of her flat brown shoes with donkey dung – or so she says – but then she told me she washes her hair in it too because it’s a natural conditioner and brings out her chestnut highlights. I put newspaper down when she walks in just in case there’s some truth in it. Sometimes she brings me frozen hamburgers some mate gives to her; I think she rubs garlic under her fingernails – I have to rush to the fridge, grab a beer and gargle with it to get a hold on things. Don’t ever expect a simple answer to a simple question from Lapinski. She doesn’t know how to talk straight. If you ask her if she likes dogs (I have a terrier called Duke) she says ‘only curried’ and then she pats Duke and strokes his ears and he falls in love with the cunt and whimpers when she leaves. She’s got a job cooking in a café for foreign people and she’s always broke. I tell her to write down everything she spends in a little book so she’ll know where she is. She says she does write everything down but she still doesn’t know where she is and where do I think I am?
My dad was the last blacksmith in our town and he was a socialist; he worked eleven hours a day, as a welder. When I was young my mother could never make ends meet and had to ask the butcher for bones for the dog – and then make us broth with them. My father wrote a song called ‘Bones for the Dog’, it came to him while he was sweating in the dark with fire and metal. He sang it in the pub dressed in a suit the colour of granite. Well I don’t want to be a stone – there’s too much blood in it, too many late night tearful conversations about how to get by in it – too many fucking dog bones in it. Singing in the pub won’t buy me a future. I prefer the wine bar. Working in the city, so long as your head looks like an arse (all us guys went bald this year), so long as you’re delivering to target, the only thing that will get you sacked is being too honest – or possibly a full head of hair. When I go back to see my mum I sometimes catch her looking at me as if I am a complete stranger; her eyes settle on my suit like a half-starved fly – I feel stripped in front of her large stupid body, shuffle about the house trying to find words that will make her like me. She gave me some runner-beans from the garden and I threw them out of the window on the motorway.
I have bought myself a new toy. It’s called The Revenger – a compact disc that I slip into the dashboard of my Nissan whenever I feel like relaxing. When you press the button you hear the sound of machine-gun fire as you crawl from red light to red light in the rush hour. Yesterday I had the gun belting out and saw a tart waiting on the kerb. Red fishnet tights and blonde ponytail; she made me tremble so I wound down the window. She looked beautifully shocked, it wiped the snarl off her slutty lips. I wanted her lips. She ran away – did she really think I’d fill her lovely soft belly with bullets? I followed her for half a mile down the road and when I caught up
with her fishy legs said, ‘What’s your name?’
‘Tremor.’
‘Well Tremor, you make me tremble, how about a massage?’
The thought of a massage while listening to The Revenger sort of appealed. Like perfume in the trenches, or clean white satin under the rags of a whore in Tokyo where I sometimes do business. We had good sex on the back seat, with the engine running so I could keep the machine-gun firing. Her red tights lay like a puddle of blood on the floor.
She said I hurt her, I said I pay to hurt her. I don’t like them with stretch marks on their stomachs – it’s a turn-off to think of tarts as mothers. When she put the money in her handbag I saw she had a little plastic duck in it, the sort babies float in their bath. The next morning her hair was all over the seat cover.
Lapinski’s cat is almost as vile as she is. She calls it, how do you say it, K.R.U.P.S.K.A.Y.A. No wonder he’s nearly as far gone as his mistress. I think Bill is a reasonable name for a tom. The other day that cunt of a cat bit my ear. I kicked it down the stairs and bathed my lughole with Dettol but I think it’s got infected. Lapinski says it was infected anyway – whaat? She talks rubbish all night with her friends and smokes little Cuban cigars – they arrive for her every month in the post in a little wooden box. Her breath made me cry when she peered into my ear and of course she told me I was crying anyway. Why isn’t she crying? Her cardigan’s got holes in the elbow and she has to walk home because she often doesn’t have the bus-fare. Yesterday I saw her skipping over the lines of the pavement.
Maybe it’s the Muzak coming in through the window, someone playing the piano: tonight I feel a bit down. The doctor has given me some pale pink pills, which was thoughtful of him because they match my tie.
I’ll tell you something about Lapinski. When she gets a gas bill, she writes all over it with a thick black felt-tip, THIS DOES NOT EXIST, and sends it to the gas board. Her eyebrows meet in the middle.
Dear Lapinski,
In the mellow autumnal breeze I had a farcical chase after your lipstuck Rizla which got blown about and nearly lost. But I’m going to save it until we are next alone when I shall offer it to you wrapped around something appropriately aphrodisiacal.
Freddie
I have summoned my first love demon and he has answered my call. This is no act of the supernatural, more to do with the art of suggestion. I kissed the transparent skin of a Rizla, thinking of the cold wars we raged on each other’s skin, tucked it behind Krupskaya’s ear and watched her disappear into the night. She is the Messenger of Broken Dreams. These errands keep her fit and sleek. I journeyed from the Iron Curtain to the black Venetian blinds of a Western man’s bedroom, and learnt love alone will not smash the atom.
We are walking on damp cement. Hand in hand. I wear a dazzling emerald dress. He tells me every time he makes an inspired brushstroke on canvas he hears the voice of Salvador Dalì whisper ‘Olé!’ and last night, which he spent without me, he was upset not to find three snails on his hot-water bottle. At his studio we eat rice with red hot pepper. ‘I am hopeful for that painting there . . .’ He points to a large canvas propped up against the wall ‘. . . because everyone loves a butterfly and it is full of butterflies.’ His long lidded eyes settle on my body like the Inquisition. Light shines on his short corn-stubble hair, his apricot body and thick lips. ‘You are my butterfly,’ he says, stroking the thin emerald cloth on my breast. His fingers slip under under my dress and all the time the sun is shining on him. I begin to sting and smart. The red hot pepper on his fingers and the possibility of love, yearned and dreamt for, the possibility of great love for ever and ever two inches away from my roaring heart.
In a caravan surrounded by geese and nettles, we eat a selection of cheeses. Goat, cow, sheep. We drink red wine. I am thinking this is the Last Supper because Freddie has been sleeping with another woman and I am upset. He bought her a bottle of lime pickle which seems to me a very intimate thing to do; he knows what she likes to taste. Just as my mother and father slipped away from me in a tram crash on a bridge where, months after their death, I’d stand looking down at the water below and imagine I could see them floating – a shoe, my mother’s green skirt, my father’s heavy overcoat – floating down and away from me, so I feel his love slipping away from me, and into her. I want him to declare his love so I can give him mine; instead he looks out hungrily, loots other sexual scenarios, comes to me changed, and fumbling and shy we have to find where we last left off, who we were before. Now he strokes my neck while geese run about the field and wind rocks the caravan. It is late autumn and loss is in the air; I am too familiar with its sensation; it haunts me in dreams and at unexpected moments, brushing my hair or waiting for a bus. He says, ‘Where’d ya lose your heart?’ I look down and see the gold heart I wear on a chain round my neck has fallen off. I search the floor of the caravan, hand clutching the place my heart once was, my very very precious heart, given to me by my grandmother that day she pressed the handkerchief into my hand. He comments on the blue black colours in my hair, yawns, smiles, stretches, says, ‘You know, a lot of fashionable and influential image-makers would say that gold heart is naff. You have nothing to lose but your chain.’
On the beach we look at each other through a hole in a stone. He sucks all the green from my eye. He is a reader of colour, texture, signs, of the space between things, of light and dark and gesture. He stands outside himself and observes. He is interested in sensation. He is sensual. He admires me. I say, ‘When I was twelve and arrived in the West, I drank Coke through a blue straw and thought it would make me free and if everyone in East Germany could drink it too the wall would come down, so someone said, Why not chip off a bit of the wall, drop it into a glass of Coke and see if it dissolves overnight?’ He likes bizarre juxtapositions and contrives them in his paintings, his love play, his clothes, his conversation. I love him but try not to. He makes me cry. He is bewildered. He stands outside my tears, and watches them in relation to the window frame and straw chair.
On the beach we stare at each other through a hole in a stone. We are in love but we are scared and when we look away, he sings
In a fishing boat
when the light turned blue
you burgled me
and I burgled you
We are East and West looting each other.
We hang a washing-line across the room. It is draped with feathers and flowers and sheep bones found on walks, the insides of clocks and TV sets. It is the Berlin Wall. We declare an uneasy peace. War is more sexy. We are afraid to make peace. We sharpen our weapons. We pride ourselves on our weapons. If we were to make a peace treaty, to disarm, we would have to come to the conference table naked and we are afraid of our nakedness. He falls in love with someone else to punish me.
I am thinking of his mother. How she once told me she was merely alone and not abandoned. He says, ‘You are my butterfly.’ I am thinking of his father. How in the war he brought his girlfriend home to live in his wife’s house and how she, who is merely alone and not abandoned, washed her husband’s girlfriend’s clothes in the bath. Peering at the labels. Good clothes. And how his father (after he had abandoned his wife) got a disease that made him shake so severely he could no longer play cricket in his immaculate whites on England’s green killing fields. He says, ‘I have the body of Jesus Christ and the soul of Lenin. Are you going to crucify me then with the curl of your lips?’ No I am not. I am going to abandon you. He cleans his paintbrush with a rag, feeling abandoned and exhilarated.
‘In fact, Lapinski,’ says Freddie, in his mellow autumnal backyard, waving the lipstuck Rizla, ‘dressed as you are in creams and blues you look like a gentle bruise.
‘Forgive me I am shaking. There are roots poking through the walls of my flat, through the floor and through the ceiling, and I thought of you because you always said you had no roots. Perhaps you dropped a few seeds all those years ago. Yesterday, Lapinski, I stole a statue of Freud from a London park and carried him home. And I
danced for him, swinging my hips, until I became paralysed. First my neck, but that was okay, it was interesting, I could still move the rest of my body. Then my arms froze in a great O shape above my head, wrists turned in on themselves, but my legs still danced on. I explored the family trees in my joints, muscles, bones, and then I became totally paralysed . . . statue-like in front of the statue Freud. He watched me and then he spoke, asked for cocaine, books, a cigar, a florentine from a Viennese pâtisserie. I asked him whether my paralysis was real or a state of mind, but he was silent and staring. Staring at my penis, so I got an erection, and that became frozen too, which is to say, Lapinski, what am I to do with this lipstuck Rizla? Am I to attempt trans-meditational coitus with you – Lapinski who dropped her seed somewhere in me, like the male fish who carries eggs in his mouth?
‘Lapinski, I have desires I don’t understand. I dreamt I made women do things they didn’t want to do, made them squeal with pain and ecstasy, tied them up and beat them and fucked them in their most secret places. I woke up sweating, it was terrible and wonderful, and as women walked the streets on the way to buy milk or cigarettes I thought . . . it could be her, she’s the one. I will take her back to my chamber of ferocious fumbling, my chamber of a hundred hidden orifices and she will enjoy it. I will make her queen and I will be king. Lapinski, I am not a brute . . . I do not have steel tips on my boots . . . I want you to be strong and brave and beautiful but I also want to crush you . . . want you to have your own will and desires but I also want to tame and domesticate you. I want you to want me but I don’t want you. Lapinski, I have had many lovers but as soon as they want me I don’t want them either. Remember when I deserted you and went off with the woman who grew lilies on her balcony, and the woman with the fake cherries pinned to the ribbon of her straw hat, and the woman with the yellow kid gloves, and the woman with the ideas, and the woman whose nipples I sucked till the sun disappeared for ever, and the woman who kept Valium in her sugar tin, and the woman reading alone in the apple orchard, and the woman who varnished boats in Marseille, and the woman who ate and ate and then sicked up in washing-up bowls, and the woman who taught her children how to make necklaces from pistachio nuts, and the woman who collected lizards, and the woman who cooked curries that made me hallucinate. Well, Lapinski, they were ponds, ponds to drown everything I do not want to feel. As soon as I start to feel something I find another pond. I am trying to confess, Lapinski, you have flown away from me but I have pinned you on to my canvas and everyone loves butterflies so you might have brought me luck in the marketplace. My woman from somewhere else. Open your wings and kiss me here . . . here . . . here . . . land on me there, I can’t sleep without you fluttering by my side and, anyway, one day I will be famous and I will buy you three villas in three different countries and you will have a cook and a driver and someone to iron your emerald dress but for now I want to fill myself up with your lips, with moments that give me reason to continue . . . but I don’t know where to find them.’
