Instead I dressed up as Scooby Doo. He’s my favorite cartoon character, as you might remember from the underwear incident. I learned what an incident was last year from Ms. Grant. We had to draw a poster for National Dental Month. I took my poster board home, and India drew a picture of a tooth sitting in a dentist’s chair with a gas mask on. She wrote the words A BRUSH WITH SUCCESS at the top. I colored it.
My poster won the contest, and they hung it in Dr. Craighead’s dentist office.
A few weeks later Ms. Grant needed somebody to draw posters for the school carnival. She said that I had done such a beautiful job on my dental poster that she wanted me to do these posters for her. I asked if I could do them at home, but she said she needed them quickly and handed me some poster board. I drew three posters, and each one was worse than the last. When I turned them in, she knew that I hadn’t done my own dental poster. All that these new posters had on them were stick people holding balloons. I told her that India had drawn my poster and I had colored it. I explained that Andy Warhol’s entire career as an artist was based on that same philosophy. Uncle Max had been reading The Philosophy of Andy Warhol, and we had talked about it at dinner.
She called my mom about the “incident.”
Housman growled at me when I wore my Scooby Doo costume. He acted like he was going to attack my ankle, but instead he ran to my room and hid under my bed.
The manny dressed up as Shaggy, Scooby Doo’s best friend. He said things like “Zoinks” and “Let’s get out of here, Scoob.”
I said things back like “Ruh-roh” and “Scooby Dooby Doo” in my best Scooby impersonation, which wasn’t very good.
Uncle Max put on a white sweater and a red scarf and went as Fred. Lulu put on her miniskirt and a red wig and went as Daphne.
She loved being the pretty one.
India loved being the smart one. She put on an orange turtleneck and dark-framed glasses and went as Velma, the intellectual one who always loses her glasses.
Belly dressed up as Scrappy Doo, the smaller, tougher version of Scooby Doo.
The day of the school Halloween parade the manny walked with my class. I asked Mrs. House if he could walk with me because he was my sidekick. Like Batman and Robin. The Lone Ranger and Tonto. Siegfried and Roy.
Mrs. House said it would be fine.
I don’t think she had heard the fiasco story from last year’s Halloween parade. She was dressed up as Scarlett O’Hara, with a big hoop-skirt. I made sure not to walk anywhere near her.
Ms. Grant remembered. She was dressed up as a cowgirl, with chaps and spurs. She even had a lariat. When she saw me, she smiled, but I could tell she was thinking about how our entire class fell on her last year. She looked like she wanted to lasso me and tie me up like they do the calves at the rodeo.
Two summers ago Dad took us to a rodeo that came to town with the fair. I wore cowboy boots and accidentally stepped in horse poop. I didn’t cry because that’s what cowboy boots are for, and it made me feel like a real cowboy. I did cry when they did the calf roping. They roped a calf around the neck from the top of a horse and then ran over and tied it up as fast as they could. When they were done, they put their hands up in victory like they had just wrestled an elephant instead of a forty-pound calf. It looked mean. I told Dad I didn’t like small things being picked on by bigger ones. We left early to get cotton candy and ride the Ferris wheel.
The manny and I threw Scooby snacks to the people watching the parade. They were really little bags of candy corn, but we called them Scooby snacks.
Craig was dressed in the same costume he wore last year. It wasn’t much of a costume. He wore a ripped-up white T-shirt and ripped-up jeans that had red dye all over them that looked like blood. He had a fake hatchet attached to the top of his head, with bloodred makeup around it and dripping down his face.
He walked with the manny and me during the parade.
He said that he liked our costumes.
The manny gave him Scooby snacks to throw.
He shoved most of them into his own pocket.
That night the manny and Uncle Max took us trick-or-treating in the Volkswagen Eurovan. We made cardboard panels for the side of the Eurovan that said THE MYSTERY MACHINE.
We went up to each house as a group. Most people laughed when they saw our costumes. Especially when Belly would call them a wise guy and demand miniature Milky Ways or popcorn balls.
One man gave us extra candy.
One older lady didn’t know who we were supposed to be. She looked at Lulu and said, “Oh my, you must be Britney Spears and her backup singers.”
She gave us Smarties.
She reminded me of Grandma.
We trick-or-treated at Craig’s house. Craig’s mom answered the door, while his dad sat on the couch and watched television. His mom yelled to his dad that he had to see our costumes.
He said, “I can’t. I’m watching the bleep-bleep game right now.”
Only he didn’t say “bleep-bleep.” He said the word that I heard Dad say the time he smashed his finger with a hammer. The same word they bleep out on television, but you can still tell what they’re saying.
Craig’s mom looked at us with a fake smile and said, “It’s just the way men are, huh?”
On the way back to the car the manny grabbed Uncle Max’s plastic pumpkin from his hand and yelled, “I’m stealing all of your Now and Laters.”
Uncle Max tackled him and held him down, pretending he was going to let spit fall on the manny’s face. He spit out a little bit and then sucked it back up. Spit out a little more and sucked it back up. Uncle Max has done this to me before, but I hit my meltdown limit, which usually gets me a trip to the ice cream store. The manny didn’t hit his meltdown limit. He started laughing and gave the pumpkin back.
Lulu hates spit. She told them that they were immature.
In the car the manny stuck his tongue out at Uncle Max and went, “Nyaaa.”
There was a yellow Now and Later on the end of his tongue.
I think Craig’s mom is wrong about the way men are.
When we got home, Lulu, India, and I dumped our candy-filled plastic pumpkins all over the living-room floor. I began sorting my loot to see what I had gotten. I made a pile of Bottle Caps candy for the manny. They’re his favorite.
Belly was already asleep, with a green Dum Dum sucker stuck to the side of her face.
Dad came in and tried to steal a Pixy Stix from India, but we caught him and screamed for Mom.
He said, “I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it hadn’t been for you meddling kids.”
October 31
Halloween I got so much candy for Halloween this year. People give you more candy if they don’t have to ask what you’re supposed to be. Mrs. Dean was handing out cotton candy.
We went trick-or-treating at Craig’s house. It smelled like the bowling alley. Like cigarettes and feet. Craig’s dad is grumpy. He cussed at Craig’s mom in front of us, but it didn’t seem to bother her. Poor Craig. I have Dad, Uncle Max, and the manny, and Craig just has a bleeping dad who can’t even stop watching television to look at Halloween costumes. I bet that’s why he cries behind the Dumpster.
Born on this day: Helmut Newton, Dan Rather, John Keats
35
No Wedgies on Thanksgiving
My Halloween candy is always gone by November 3. Lulu still has her Halloween candy at Valentine’s Day. She keeps it on the top shelf of her closet, where Belly can’t reach it. I can reach it if the manny holds me up. We did that only once. Lulu caught us and made us pay her for the candy we had taken. A quarter for my bubble gum. A dollar for the manny’s Now and Later.
She charged him more because she said he should know better.
I try to save my candy, but I just can’t. The manny had to sit down with me and tell me what gluttony was. He told me that it was when something was done excessively, like eating too much or buying more than you need.
I said, “You mean like
you are with cashmere socks?”
He messed up the back of my hair and said, “Have another candy bar, turkey.”
He had been calling us turkeys the entire month of November because it was almost Thanksgiving. He and Uncle Max came over to have Thanksgiving dinner with us. Uncle Max made the turkey. Mom and Dad made everything else.
Cranberry sauce. Sweet potatoes. Pumpkin pie.
The manny and I were in charge of setting and decorating the table. The manny doesn’t like to cook for himself. He likes to eat out at restaurants. He told me once that he uses his oven like a closet and keeps his sweaters in it.
I think he was joking, but I’ll look if I ever go over to his house.
I made name cards to place at each person’s chair at the dinner table so that they would know where to sit. I wrote their names in the fancy bubble letters that India showed me how to do. I wrote TURKEY on the manny’s name card instead of his name.
I put myself between the manny and Uncle Max.
Mom was next to Uncle Max. Then Belly. Lulu. Dad. India. The manny.
Lulu and India baked a pecan pie. Grandma taught them how a few years ago when they had a girls’ night sleepover at Grandma’s house. I got to stay home with Dad. We ate chips and salsa and watched Star Wars. I drank three root beers and had a nightmare that night. Dad said I was screaming, “I love you, Chewbacca.”
India wore a Christmas apron that was red and green striped. Lulu wore Grandma’s old apron that said KISS THE COOK on it. Every time Uncle Max read it, he kissed Lulu on the forehead.
She finally traded aprons with India.
Dad made mashed potatoes. Mom made stuffing. Uncle Max kept checking his turkey.
Belly sat on the floor of the kitchen and ate gravy out of a little bowl. She scooped up the gravy with her shoehorn that she had gotten at the shoe store. She thinks it’s a spoon. Housman sat next to her, waiting for her to drop some on the floor.
The manny and I chose a gold-colored tablecloth and matching napkins for the table. We put white candles down the center of the table and lit them. Around the candles we spread pinecones from the tree in our yard. As a finishing touch I taped the turkeys that we had made the day before on the backs of the chairs.
We had made the turkeys by outlining our hands on construction paper and then putting tails and beaks on them. You could tell which turkey Lulu had made because it was huge. I showed her how much bigger hers was than the rest, and she chased me and gave me a wedgie.
“No wedgies on Thanksgiving,” said the manny. “Save them for Christmas.”
Uncle Max thought the table was beautiful. He laughed and gave me a high five when he saw the manny’s name card said TURKEY. He put the carved turkey on the counter next to the table, and Mom put bowls of potatoes, stuffing, and green beans out. We served our own plates like we were in a cafeteria.
The manny piled turkey, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing, and green beans on his plate. When I saw how much food the manny had on his plate, I reminded him about the word gluttony.
He put back two green beans.
I put all of the same stuff on my plate that the manny put on his.
After we stacked our plates with food, we sat at the table. Belly sat in her booster seat.
It’s a tradition at our house to give thanks before we eat. We go around the table and take turns saying what we’re thankful for. Last year I buckled under the pressure. I stood up and said that I was thankful for the John Denver and the Muppets Christmas album. I knew it sounded silly, but I was thankful for it. We had been listening to it that morning and I was still singing “It’s in Every One of Us” in my head.
It’s my favorite song.
I felt better when Belly said she was thankful for rocks.
This Thanksgiving I got to give thanks first.
I stood up and said, “I’m thankful that everybody I know is interesting.”
I had decided I was going to say that two days ago when I was looking at the BE INTERESTING coconut on my dresser.
The manny stood up and said that he was thankful for cashmere socks, red wine, and all the new additions to his family.
I think he was talking about us.
India stood up and said, “I’m thankful that Grandma lived with us this summer.”
Her face got really red when she said this, and she sat down really fast, before she started to cry.
Dad put his hand on India’s shoulder and stood up.
He said, “I’m thankful that I have four wonderful children and a brilliant wife to come home to every night.”
The back of my neck tickled like it does when I hear the word divine.
When Lulu stood up, she spoke like she was receiving an award.
“I want to take this time to say that I’m thankful that I made the principal’s honor roll again this quarter. I’m also thankful for Fletcher.”
Everybody at the table went, “Wooooo.”
Some kids in my class did that last year when Sarah and I were swinging side by side on the swings on the playground, and I yelled, “Look, Sarah, we’re married.”
Belly stood up and gave thanks for Housman and for DecapiTina, who had gravy all over her headless body. Housman carried DecapiTina around in his mouth for two days after Thanksgiving.
When Mom stood up, she had watery eyes like she gets when she walks through the perfume section of the department store in the mall.
She said, “I’m thankful that my family is here together and that Grandma is dancing outside in the garden.”
I looked out to the garden and smiled at Grandma.
Uncle Max was the last one to stand up to say what he was thankful for. He lifted his glass and thanked Mom and Dad for hosting Thanksgiving.
He said, “I’m thankful for many things this year, especially for my family.”
When he said this, he moved his glass in a circle in front of him.
Then he cleared his throat and said some more. “I’m most thankful this year that Matthew has come into my life.”
My ears wiggled. Who was Matthew? I looked around to see if anybody else was confused. Then I saw that Uncle Max was looking at the manny.
Uncle Max put his hand on my shoulder and leaned over me toward the manny, so that I was in between their chests.
The back of my neck tickled.
Lulu squealed.
She hates it when people kiss.
November 22
FANTASTICAL!!!!
Birthday Biographies
May 11
Martha Graham-American dancer and choreographer whose legacy is credited as inspiration for modern dance troupes.
Salvador Dalí-Spanish surrealist painter.
Irving Berlin-A musician and composer who wrote many recognizable songs, such as “White Christmas” and “God Bless America.”
May 16
Liberace-Piano player known for his flashy way of dress as well as for his music.
Olga Korbut-Female gymnast best known for competing in the 1972 Summer Olympics.
Christian Lacroix-French haute couture clothing designer.
May 22
Sir Laurence Olivier-Award-winning actor who received an Oscar for his performance as Hamlet.
Mary Cassatt-American-born impressionist painter.
Harvey Milk-First openly gay person to be elected to San Francisco’s city council. He was murdered by a former city supervisor in City Hall along with San Francisco mayor George Moscone.
May 26
Dr. Sally Ride-The first American woman in space, in 1983.
Stevie Nicks-Singer who fronts the band Fleetwood Mac.
John Wayne-American actor known for his Western movies of the 1950s. He won an Oscar for his role in True Grit in 1969.
May 29
John F. Kennedy-Thirty-fifth president of the United States, famous for his speech that included “Ask not what your country can do for you—ask what you can do for your country.” Killed by an assassin’s
bullet on November 22, 1963.
Bob Hope-Hollywood entertainer known around the world for performing for United States troops that were stationed overseas. Considered an American icon.
T. H. White-Author of The Sword in the Stone. He was a novelist as well as a poet.
June 1
Keats Dalinger-The narrator of this book, he was named in honor of John Keats and is an all-around interesting guy. Builder of award-winning LEGO creations.
June 27
Helen Keller-A deaf and blind woman who overcame her obstacles to become a writer, a teacher, and an inspiration to those with disabilities as well as to those without.
Ross Perot-Founder of Electronic Data Systems, who ran in the 1992 and 1996 presidential elections.
Captain Kangaroo-Much-loved host of his own children’s television show. His real name was Bob Keeshan.
June 28
John Elway-Former member of the National Football League’s Denver Broncos. He was named Most Valuable Player of Super Bowl XXXIII.
Henry VIII-King of England (1509-47) who used his power for his own benefit and was often morally questioned. He was married six times and is known for having his wives executed.
Gilda Radner-Comedian and actress who was in the original cast of Saturday Night Live. She founded Gilda’s Club, an organization that lends support to those living with cancer as well as to their families. She died of cancer in 1989. Gilda’s Club is still an active organization.
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