Lucy said, “Yes. And that’s the reason for the custom. It gives us a freer way to care for them, even if the love hasn’t grown yet. And, even if it doesn’t become the same kind of love, it is a form of love and kindness and the widow can be happier than she would be otherwise. So in some ways, it can be a different love. Like a close friend that has sexual benefits from the relationship. Love comes in several forms. We love all men to a small extent. We have a kind of love for our neighbors, and even a love that makes us kind to strangers. We love our family even if they are unpleasant. I loved Delilah, and all of us did, even though she was not lovable. We will help our family, out of a love based on familial duty, even if they irk us. We love our friends even more than that, and we help them because we want to, not because we have to. But, you love a husband in a way that no friend can compare to. The widow-wife custom gives us a way to love a woman at the level of a friend, and to even care for her sexually, even if we don’t feel the same level of desire and connection that we do for another wife.”
I said, “But, I love Brenda and Alice and they are part of us and I can’t live without them now.”
Lucy said, “Yes, you do. And they clearly love all of you. But, the girls decided that Brenda and Alice should be widow-wives even before they truly fell in love with them. They knew that they cared for them, and they were willing, and even wanting them to be happy, by sharing you with them as a lover. But it wasn’t until this evening that your true love for each other was established. The truth is that I have never known a family where the widow-wife wasn’t quickly loved the same as the others in the house. The custom makes it easy to accept the arrangement, thinking that it’s a lower emotional commitment. But the reality is that it’s the same and there is no real distinction. It’s a rare occurrence anyway. We have had an unusual number of younger widows because of the troubles, but in normal times, it’s rare.”
Gerald said, “But, when I think about it, it doesn’t change anything. It would have, an hour ago, before we had decided it, but not now. Oh, but it makes it easier for Anne as well. She doesn’t have to love me so much at first. She has to like me enough, and even to want to have sex with me, but she doesn’t have to know that she loves me the same way that she would as a ‘normal wife’. The custom makes it easier to get together. Like, I hate to say it, but it is like if a merchant offers a lower price for something that we aren’t sure that we need to buy. Please, don’t be offended at all, it’s an analogy, nothing more. If I am considering that I might want something nice for my house, but I am afraid that the price is too high, if he makes me an offer, it makes it easier for me to decide to take it.”
Brenda said, “I’m not offended at all. It works for both the man and the woman, and even the other mates. Oh, and for the children. I didn’t know Ronin, but I could consider coming to his house, and even his bed, without knowing that I would love him, or that he would love me so much. I don’t know that my first husband loved me at all, except, as Lucy said, as family. And it was enough for me. And if that was all I would have, that was enough. Because it was all I had ever known. But I did long for more. And as a widow-wife, if Ronin and the girls would agree to it, I could be happier than I was, even if I wasn’t loved quite the same way. I would have kindness even if it was not true love. But once Ronin and I knew each other, he did love me and I love him. The custom worked the way it’s supposed to in my case. The matchmaker offered me a lower price for something that I might have wanted, but couldn’t be sure of. And by starting as the housekeeper, I was given a chance to find out if I really did want more. But, what I found was so much more than I ever expected.”
Lucy said, “And it almost always is. Not every mating is happy. And some grow unhappy. But the truth that I have seen is that the widow-wife is almost always happy enough. The expectations are lower and the emotional demands are lower. And sometimes she becomes the confidant of the husband and might even become the more loved because she is the most kind and least contentious. Ronin, do you understand? And girls? And you, Brenda and Alice?”
I said, “I think that I do. The distinction is first to make it easier for a widow to find happiness. Beyond that, any distinction is between the members of the family, and the custom has nothing to say about it.”
Lucy looked at the other women, and they seemed to nod in agreement that they understood and had no problem with what was said.
Gerald said, “And the children benefit as well. Ronin, did you hesitate at all to take Brenda and Alice into your house because of obligations that come with their children?’
Lucy said, “No. He didn’t. Because they were Brenda and Alice’s children. He would provide for them, but because the widow-wife had fewer obligations, he didn’t worry about becoming a father to three when he had never had a child at all. And now, how do you feel about it?”
I said, “Now, because I love Brenda and Alice, I love their children, even though I haven’t met them, and I swear to myself that I will learn to be the best father for them that I can, if they will let me, and if their mothers have no objections. I suppose that we need to talk about that.”
Lucy said, “You do need to talk about that. But, that talk wasn’t necessary at first, because the widow-wife is a bargain at first, like Gerald says.”
Alice said, “My Lord, my daughter has never had a father who saw her or paid any attention to her in the least. Not one who talked to her and told her that she was precious. One who would show her how a man should treat her and what she should expect. You say that you are willing to be her father and there are tears in my eyes as I think about my daughter being loved by you. I love you all the more. If that’s what you mean, my gift to you will be bigger and more often than it was. Oh, I am going to cry.”
I said, “I do mean that. I have never had children obviously, but my parents showed me what a good parent is, and I will do the best that I can.”
Val said, “We all will. We will all practice until our own time comes, if you will share your children with us.”
Brenda was weeping now as well and said, “You bless us more that we could have ever dreamed.”
I said, “What are their names? Wait. No. Don’t tell me. We will be introduced when I meet them. I am a bit overwhelmed. Two new wonderful mates, and three wonderful children as a package. Oh, no, I’m not overwhelmed by a burden! I’m overwhelmed with joy. Val, Dawn, Harmony, are you all in favor of this?”
Dawn said, “Of course. How else could it be?”
Harmony said, “They think of me as a playmate already. They don’t know that I am old enough, almost, to be their mother. We have played together for years. I know them quite well.”
Brenda said, “It’s true. They think that Harmony is their fairy princess who takes them on adventures to the orchards.”
Jean looked increasingly concerned as we talked.
She said, “Gerald, I didn’t know this. We have already decided to ask Anne to our family, but this means that she will be just like me. As soon as she finds that she loves you and that you love her. I expected it, but I didn’t know that it worked this way. Of course, it does, but I didn’t know. And we’ll still do it, and we all hoped that it would be the way that we now see that it will, but I’m a little unsettled now. And, Lucy, you told me not to be afraid. And you said that her heritage has nothing to do with it. But, I take it that you’re still convinced? Oh, of course you are. Lucy, listen to me. Do what I say. Tell me that it’s all going to be fine.”
Jean stared at Lucy, and Lucy smiled at Jean. Jean was asking Lucy to take away her fear. She wanted to trust it all, but she was having trouble, and she wanted Lucy to help her by convincing her, in Lucy’s magical way, that everything was going to be fine. What an extraordinary act of trust.
Lucy took Jean’s trembling hand and said soothingly, “Jean, this is what you want. You will be more happy than you can imagine. Anne is one of your house already. She just doesn’t know it yet. Gerald knows it. You know it. And I know
it. You and I talked about it. You want her to join you. We want her to be loved as much as you are. This doesn’t change anything. Anne is your other wife. And she will wake from her dream and know it very soon. You and I already love her, or we wouldn’t have asked Gerald to do this. We will all sleep well when Anne comes.”
Jean took a deep breath. And then another. And then a visible calm came over her.
She said, “Thank you Lucy. Your kindness is so comforting. I knew that you would know what to say to me. I knew what to say to myself, but hearing it from you is what I needed.”
Suddenly, I wondered if I had been seeing this wrong all along. Was Lucy using magick to be persuasive, or was it simply what Jean said; Lucy’s way of expressing all of it with kindness? Was it Lucy’s love and kindness that convinced Gerald that there was no reason for jealousy, no matter how much Lucy loved me? Was it merely extreme kindness and love that helped Dawn let go of her trauma? Did it have to involve magick, or just love and kindness? And even at the river that day when Lucy convinced me to be comfortable with our nudity? Did that require magick, or just me believing that she really loved me? When I felt loved by her, did my fear and anxiety at being naked with her just go away? Or did she really use some power on me to make me believe a certain way against my will? And what about Delilah? Did she have a persuasive magick, or did people do what she wanted for some other reason? Now that I thought about it, I wasn’t sure. Certainly, lovers can convince each other of things that others can’t. A ruler can convince people to do many things. A very handsome man or beautiful woman gets their way more often and with less effort than others. Lucy was exceptional in her love and kindness. But, it hadn’t worked on Delilah. But Delilah didn’t respond to love and kindness. We did. It was certainly magical, but was it supernatural? Perhaps not. Or, maybe it was. Jean trusted Lucy either way. And so did I, I supposed.
Chapter 19 - Alice's Secret
It had been a long day, and not long after that, we called an end to it. Gerald, Jean, and Lucy headed back to the farm. Harmony offered to walk with them, but they dissuaded her. I got the impression that it was a warm night, and that they might not make it back to the farm right away, but there might be a stop along the way in the meadows on the grass in the moonlight. And Harmony wasn’t part of that.
Brenda and Alice would go back to their house and put their children to bed. Alice asked if she could speak to me for a moment before she left. Brenda said that she would go along home by herself, but then changed her mind. She and Alice were both suddenly anxious about being alone in the dark, given what had happened this afternoon. Lucy needed to have a talk with them soon, like she did with Dawn. Harmony offered to take them, but I felt that it was my duty, and my right, and I told them that I would do it, but that Harmony could come with me.
The girls said that they were going to get a bath ready for us, and Brenda went up with them while I talked to Alice for a moment. As soon as everyone was gone, Alice turned to me with a look of urgency.
She rushed to my arms and said, “Oh I love you! And so does Brenda. We love you. Ronin, I wish that we were going to bed now. I wish that you were about to love me. To teach me more about truly making love and being loved,” and she started to cry.
I said, “I love you too, Alice. I love you so much.”
She wept and said, “Master, I have a secret. A horrible secret. And if I tell you, you might feel differently. And I will be ashamed. And you might not love me like you do. Brenda doesn’t know, so you can’t blame her, and she is innocent and you can still love her if you will. Please do. Please keep loving her. And, I can be the widow-wife, or your housekeeper.”
I said, “Alice, come sit down with me.”
I led her to a chair in the front room. I sat down and tried to pull her into my lap, but she held back. She had a fearful look in her eyes as she stood in front of me. Then she pulled her dress over her head and, fully naked, knelt between my legs and pulled my pants down and reached for my penis.
She held it in front of her lips and said, crying as she did, “It’s terrible, and you won’t love me,” and she took me in her mouth and started to suck on me.
It felt wonderful, but she was so distraught by whatever this secret was, that I didn’t enjoy it the way that I would have otherwise. After a minute, during which I didn’t interrupt her, or try to find out what was going on, she stopped. She kissed me on the head of my penis and then looked up from between my legs.
She said, “Master, you will always be my master, no matter what. Even if you send me away and banish me from the village. But Brenda didn’t know. Be kind to her and don’t punish her because of me.”
I said, “Alice, tell me what it is. I love you. I am sure that I will love you even more after you tell me the secret. Tell me what battle you are facing and let me help you. Don’t carry the burden by yourself. Come let me hold you and tell me what it is that troubles you so much.”
I lifted the terrified naked woman to her feet, and then into my lap where I put my arms around her and hugged her close.
She said, “Master, I wasn’t going to tell you, but I have to. You know that our first husband was a good, but cold man, and he didn’t love us like you do.”
I said, “Yes. That’s what both you and Brenda told me.”
She said, “It’s a lie. Brenda doesn’t know.”
I said, “What do you mean, it’s a lie?”
She cried, “He wasn’t a good man. But that doesn’t excuse what I did. He didn’t beat us, but he didn’t love us either. But he didn’t die in the orchard. I told everyone that he did, but he didn’t. I said that he did. Brenda doesn’t know. I made it up for her sake and for the children. Ronin, Master, he abandoned us!”
I held her and said, “Oh Alice, I’m so sorry.”
She said, “When the troubles started, he left. He left a note. I found it and burned it and told them that he went to the orchards for fruit for dinner. When he didn’t come back, we said that he had been killed by the monsters. But the truth is that he was a coward and he left us and took our cart and burro and he left. He didn’t even say he was sorry. He didn’t care at all. Not even for the children. He didn’t even mention them. The note said, I’m leaving. I needed the money and the cart. That’s it. No, I’m sorry, I hope you do well, don’t let the monsters eat you. Nothing. The bastard. And he never loved me. Not when I was twenty two, not as I raised my daughter, not when I did everything I could for him. For sixteen years, and then he says, I’m taking the money because I need it. And now, I told you because I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t. But, he isn’t dead. But he is to Brenda, so don’t blame her. She didn’t know. She loves you.”
I said, “Do you love me?”
She wept and nodded and said, “I do. I swear I do.”
I said, “And I love you.”
She said, “Like Lucy said. Like family.”
I said, “No. Like my wife. Aren’t you my wife?”
She said, “Am I? Or am I an adulteress?”
I said, “Where is your husband? Think hard. In your heart, where is your husband?”
She cried, “I am in his lap. Naked. My husband and my master. Now and forever. You are my husband. But now you know. Don’t blame Brenda. Don’t tell her. As far as she is concerned, our first husband is dead. Let him stay dead for her. You can love her that way.”
I said, “Alice, I love you.”
She said, “Like family. I know you do. And you loved me like a wife for a little while. And I will always love you.”
I held her and said, “Alice, why did you undress and kiss my penis the way that you did?”
She said, “Because I would never get another chance. Not after I told you my deception and that my first husband was not truly dead.”
I said, “Alice, tell me something. What happens to a woman if her husband abandons her? Is she still bound to him?”
She said, “I don’t know.”
I said, “And didn’t you
tell me that he was never truly your husband, anyway?”
She said, “Not really. He didn’t love us. It was like we were widow-wives, with a very low cost commitment. He barely cared for us. We said that he was kind because he wasn’t harsh. But was he kind? No. It would have been kinder to have left us as virgins until you came for us. The bastard. And he just left and took everything we had. He didn’t even think of us as his wives. Or his children.”
I said, “Alice, do you love me?”
She cried louder, “Yes! I love you! I love you! I will always love you!”
I lifted her a bit and turned her to face me, sitting open my lap. I pulled off my shirt and held her body to my chest.
I said, “And, feel that? Aren’t we connected? Are we one body? Is it him or me that you feel now? Alice, isn’t he dead? Yes, the man may still be alive, frankly we have no way to know. But, is your first husband still alive? Or did he die when he left you and Brenda and your children? Or are you the woman who was in his house all of those years, or are you someone else? My love, I am saying these things for my own sake. Out of selfishness. Because I want you. I want him to have released you to me. To have left a note saying that you were free to choose a new life and to be truly loved. A note that said that he was sorry that he could never love you and therefore left so that you would be happy.”
Alice said, “He said that he was leaving and had no regard for me or what I did or what became of us.”
I said, “So, you are free of him.”
She brightened a little and said, “So I am. Yes! I am. Yes, I lied. I said he died in the orchard, but he left. We were nothing to him. How could he be anything to us?”
The Edge of Harmony: The Guardian Maidens Book 2 Page 17
