by Alex Gino
“Everybody knows all the worst kids come from Handel,” said Ronnie.
“We’re not Slytherins,” said Yaya. “I went to Handel.”
“Yeah,” said Xavier, “and you were kind of a jerk when I met you.”
“Ouch,” said Yaya, fanning himself with a spread hand.
“Handel has its problems, sure,” Melissa agreed. “But there were some cool people there.”
Kelly tipped her hand in a grandiose bow from her seat.
“I was thinking about Principal Maldonado,” said Melissa, and Kelly threw the back of her hand against her forehead in a false show of outrage.
“Maybe we could write a letter to him and recommend he start using Kiko,” said Ronnie.
“Who?” asked Kelly.
“The principal at Handel.”
“Principal Maldonado is a she,” Kelly said.
Ronnie winced. “Oops. Don’t tell my moms I did that.”
“I think it’s a great idea,” Leila said.
“Maybe we could form a committee,” said Ellie. “Who here wants to work on a letter to Handel Elementary School?” Ellie, Leila, and three other kids raised their hands.
“Well, I think it’s more important than ever that we have the cabaret,” said Kelly, “both to raise money for books for the library and to show everybody that we’re not afraid. Anyone who wants to work with me on planning, join me over here.” Kelly headed off to the cluster of tables on one side of the room and a bunch of kids joined her.
The rest of the group decided to make new posters to hang to advertise the cabaret. They drew curtains and spotlights and wrote things like LOVE IS INFINITE and THE RAINBOW SPECTRUM IS UNAFRAID.
Rick joined them. But he was afraid. Afraid that someone would realize that he was trying to be someone he wasn’t. And he wasn’t sure whether he was more afraid of being found out by Jeff or by the kids at Spectrum.
He jogged for the bus after the meeting let out, but the bus was still two blocks away when he reached the corner. He could already hear the voices of kids behind him.
Rick considered walking around the block and waiting for the next bus, or the one after that, if he had to. And he might have, if the first kid to reach the stop hadn’t been Ronnie.
But it was, and he said, “I think I know who did it.”
Rick looked ahead and said nothing.
“Don’t you?”
Rick looked down at his shoes.
“Don’t worry. I don’t think it was you.”
Rick concentrated on the crack in the sidewalk, tracing it up and down with his eyes, the cement drifting apart, coming together, drifting apart again.
“Why do you still hang out with him, anyway? He’s like an egg salad sandwich that’s been out in the sun too long.”
The bus pulled to the curb with a loud hiss. Ronnie took a seat with the kids from Spectrum. Rick sat in a single seat, too far away to hear what they were saying but close enough to hear their laughter.
Rick was glad it was the weekend. The weekend meant two days without worrying about whether Jeff was going to destroy the new Rainbow Spectrum posters. Even better, it meant watching the last of The Smithfield Specials with Grandpa Ray.
He didn’t know what they would do together once the specials were over. They could keep watching Rogue Space, but Rick had seen the new ones and even Grandpa Ray admitted that most of the old ones were hokey. Besides, Dad had hinted that he should try to get Grandpa Ray out and about. Diane used to go swimming with him, and before that, he and Thomas used to bird-watch. But Rick hated the way beach sand felt between his toes, and the most he could say about birds was That’s a blue one, and I think maybe it’s kinda biggish. There had to be a place they could go that would be fun for both of them.
That’s when Rick had a wonderful idea. He went online. Serendipitously, he found what he was looking for, and better yet, it was the following weekend. Rick printed out the information and folded the paper six times, until it was a thick little square he could stuff into his jeans pocket.
The elevator rattled up the four flights to Grandpa Ray’s front door.
“Hey, Rick!” Grandpa Ray greeted him with a hug. “Good to see you.”
“You too!” Rick thought about the paper in his pocket, but he didn’t mention it yet. He wasn’t sure what Grandpa Ray would think. So he settled into his regular seat and tried to ignore the lump pressing against his thigh.
“How was your week at school?”
Rick sat, his mouth open, his breath caught behind his tongue. He had been trying hard all weekend not to think about school, because whenever he did, all he could think about was Jeff defacing the posters.
“That good or that bad?” asked Grandpa Ray.
“It was horrible. Just horrible. Remember my friend Jeff?”
“The kid who hates Rogue Space.” Grandpa Ray sneered.
“It’s just that, well, Jeff is a huge jerk.” It was a relief to say it, like the idea had been clogging up his throat and finally dispersed. Some of it he exhaled, and the rest coursed through his body, forcing him to feel the truth. “I hate that my best friend is a jerk.”
“What did he do now?”
Rick told Grandpa Ray about Jeff’s poster attack.
“And you were there when he did this?”
“One of the times,” said Rick.
“And what did you do?”
“Nothing.” Rick felt a tear forming in the corner of his eye. He hadn’t done anything, anything at all.
“Sounds like it’s time for a new best friend,” said Grandpa Ray.
The words hung in the air, as though their truth kept them from fading.
“You’re right,” said Rick. “But how did I not know that until just now?”
“Sometimes it’s hard to see the worst in our friends, because it reminds us of the worst in ourselves.”
“Oof.” The sound came involuntarily, from deep in Rick’s stomach.
“I know. And the only way out is through.”
Rick bent over until his head reached his knees, and he sobbed, Grandpa Ray rubbing his back with his firm, steady hand. He cried until his shoulders shook, and then he went limp.
When Rick sat up, he saw a pair of wet streaks running down Grandpa Ray’s face too. They faced each other, small smiles growing until there were a pair of wide grins on their faces. Then Grandpa Ray bared his teeth, which made Rick giggle.
Grandpa Ray handed Rick a tissue, then blew his own nose as well. For a moment, Rick wondered why Grandpa Ray had cried. Then he remembered Grandma Rose, and that reminded him of the paper in his pocket.
“I had an idea for what we can do next weekend, now that The Smithfield Specials are done.”
“Oh?” Grandpa Ray raised a thick eyebrow.
Rick pulled out the wad, unfolded it, and smoothed out the grid lines so that the page lay nearly flat. Then he handed it to Grandpa Ray. It was covered in spaceships and aliens, and read, SPACE CON is coming to Kiely Arena with special guest, Amy Salazar of Rogue Space!
“Oh.” Grandpa Ray’s eyes shone for a moment. Then a wave of sadness passed over his face, taking his smile with it. “I don’t know, Rick. It wouldn’t be the same as … as before.”
“I know,” said Rick. “Grandma Rose wouldn’t be there.”
Grandpa Ray’s cheeks blew up, and he let the air slide out of his mouth with a whoooosh. “I wish I could say that was the only problem. I just can’t imagine going in everyday clothes.”
“Why would you go in everyday clothes? Isn’t the whole point of going to a con that you get to dress up?”
Grandpa Ray tilted his head to stare at Rick from the corner of his eye. “Wait … are you suggesting we … ?”
“Grandpa Ray. You’re gonna need to get a little better with words if you plan to talk to anyone at Space Con. Yes, I want to go with you. And yes, I want you to dress up however you want. Even if that means dressing up as a woman. Especially if it means dressing up as a woman!
But maybe not as a Garantula.”
Grandpa Ray’s face wavered between a giant grin and a goofy grimace as he realized what Rick was saying.
“I was thinking maybe you could go as Senator Smithfield! And I could be a Bzork. I want antennae!”
Grandpa Ray blinked a few times, let a few joyful tears drip down his face, and read the flyer again. Then his smile returned. “Wow, this is next Sunday! I only have a week to plan my costume!”
In homeroom the next day, Ronnie waved at Rick to come over and see the bicycle he was sketching. He had drawn huge eyes on the front, using the handlebar as a kind of mouth. It looked both excited and a bit nervous. Rick could relate.
Melissa joined them, and when she did, Ronnie complimented her on the new signs for Cabaret Night with a look of exaggerated innocence in Rick’s direction. A chill trickled from Rick’s neck down the length of his spine and out to his shoulders.
“Thanks. A whole bunch of us made them. Kelly and I just hung them up.”
“Well, you did a really good job,” said Ronnie. “They’re everywhere.”
The word everywhere landed like a lump in Rick’s chest, and he was relieved when the bell rang and they had to head to their seats. All morning, he kept his eye out for the Cabaret signs, and every time he saw one, the tension in his shoulders dropped when he saw that it had been unaltered, especially when he found the one in the stairwell that he had made himself.
By lunch, Rick had started to relax.
Rick and Jeff were eating alone at the end of a long table of kids talking about graphic novels when Jeff raised his thumb. Mr. Kyle released Jeff to use the boys’ room and he muttered, “Follow me.”
“Why?” Rick asked, but Jeff just shrugged and kept walking. With a sigh, Rick lifted his thumb in the air.
The bathroom was empty, but someone had been there earlier, because they had taped a sign for the Rainbow Spectrum cabaret to the door on the inside.
The words Rainbow Spectrum Cabaret were in bold cursive, and a spotlight shone on a shadow figure. Underneath that, the poster said, Be Who You Are! and in smaller print, Tickets $1–20—give what you can. All proceeds will be used to purchase LGBTQIAP+ titles for the Jung Middle School library!! followed by the date and time of the show. At the bottom was a note that read, If you see anyone messing with this sign, please report it. Ally with us to fight hatred.
Jeff pointed at that part and laughed. “Good thing you’re the only one here, Rick.”
“Why’s that?”
“Check it out!” Jeff pulled a red lighter out of his pocket.
“You brought a lighter to school?!”
“Took it from Gene. I’ll put it back when I get home. He’ll never know it was gone. Besides, he’d appreciate what I’m about to do.”
Jeff tore the sign from the door, taking a piece of tape with it and ripping the top right corner.
“Wait, what are you about to do?” Rick heard his voice shake.
“What do you think? I’m gonna set this sign ablaze!”
“You can’t do that!”
“Watch me!”
But Rick was done watching. His arm shot out, knocking the lighter out of Jeff’s hand. It skittered under the sink. Rick tried to grab the paper out of Jeff’s other hand, but Jeff was already diving for the lighter.
“What is wrong with you?” Jeff yelled once he was standing again, with the lighter in one hand and the now rumpled poster in the other. The poster for the group of kids Rick was starting to think of as his friends. A group of kids who never deserved to be talked about the way Jeff did.
It didn’t matter anymore that Jeff would restart his video games so Rick could play. It didn’t matter that they laughed together until they had forgotten what they were laughing about. And it certainly didn’t matter that they had once been closer than brothers. Rick didn’t want to be friends with someone who was so mean.
He shook his head back and forth a few times before he said it. “Jeff, I don’t want to be your friend anymore.”
“Oh, you don’t mean that,” said Jeff.
“I do.” Rick brushed away a tear before it could fall.
“What?! You’re gonna call off our friendship over some stupid poster about some gay kids?” Jeff’s face was turning red. “You can’t do that! We’re best friends!”
“Not anymore.” Rick let the next tear fall. It didn’t matter anymore what Jeff thought of him.
“Are you crying now? You’re such a baby! You know what?” Jeff’s lips quivered with anger. “I’ve carried you long enough. You were nobody when I met you, and you’re nobody now.”
“I’d rather be nobody than somebody awful.”
“You think I’m awful?”
If Rick didn’t say it now, he might not ever say it. “Yeah. Yeah, Jeff. I think you’re awful. You’re mean to a lot of kids, and you talk about girls like they’re food on a menu. You make fun of Rogue Space, and when I wanted to try out for the play in fourth grade, you told me only idiots would want to do that.” Once Rick started, the words flowed out, and he watched Jeff shrink in front of him. “You didn’t just mess up that one Rainbow Spectrum sign. You’re the one who ruined all of them. And now you’re trying to do it again!”
Jeff shoved his chin forward. “Let me guess, you’re one of them.”
With the walls of friendship crumbling, it simply didn’t matter anymore what Jeff knew. Or thought. Or thought he knew.
“Yeah, I’ve been going to Spectrum.”
“Yeah, I’ve been going to Spectrum,” Jeff mimicked. “You’ve been hanging out with those freaks. What, are you gay or something?”
“Something.” Rick stood upright, feeling the wet streak on his cheek grow cold.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“I’m questioning.” Rick heard his voice echoing back at him, ringing as true as it was nervous.
“You mean, you don’t even know what you are?”
“I may not know who I am. But I’m sure about what you are.”
“And what am I?” Jeff stared down at Rick.
“You’re a homophobe and a bully. And I’m through with you.”
“Yeah, well, I’ve just got one thing left for you.” Jeff held the paper far out in front of himself, held the lighter to the edge of the page, and tossed the sign out of his hand, preparing for an all-consuming flame.
Instead, the paper fluttered to the ground with a wisp of smoke, a fringe of ash along the bottom, and a thin orange glow already burning itself out.
Rick snorted. Then he turned around, his heart beating so loud he was sure Jeff could hear it, and walked deliberately out of the bathroom and to the empty end of a table in the corner of the cafeteria. Trying not to listen to Jeff call him a freak and an idiot. Trying not to cry. Failing on both counts.
Rick sat there, his head buried under his arms, for the rest of the lunch period. He didn’t know where Jeff had gone, but he didn’t care, so long as it wasn’t near him. He didn’t get up when the bell rang. He didn’t even realize that someone had taken the seat across from him until they spoke.
“So now what?”
Rick looked up to see Ronnie, his eyebrow and the corner of his mouth raised in hopeful inquiry. He dumped Rick’s backpack on the table. “You’re welcome, by the way.”
“Thanks.”
“I saw you two get up.” Ronnie’s voice was quiet. “It didn’t look like anything good was going to happen next.”
“It didn’t.”
“He’s the one who destroyed the posters, isn’t he?”
Rick nodded. “I guess I have to tell Principal Baker.”
“You’re gonna rat on your friend?”
“He’s not my friend. Not anymore.”
“Congratulations.”
“That’s kind of a weird thing to congratulate me for.”
Ronnie laughed, then stopped short. “Do you want me to come with you? To the principal’s office, I mean.”
“You
’d do that?”
“Yeah. Plus I’d love to get out of the beginning of English.”
With an awkward pair of grins, they headed down to the office, checked in with the school secretary, and two minutes after the bell to start the next period rang, they were in Principal Baker’s office.
Ronnie didn’t do any of the talking, but he nodded and, just when Rick thought he was going to bail, squeezed Rick’s hand. The story came falling out of Rick’s mouth, from the first time Jeff commented on the signs, to his marker defacings, to the burnt paper that was probably still on the floor of the bathroom. Principal Baker thanked them for their time and recommended that they get to their next class as quickly as possible.
“You coming to Spectrum tomorrow?” asked Ronnie, once they were in the hallway.
“Isn’t it the cabaret rehearsal?”
“Is that a problem?”
“No. I just didn’t think I was a part of that.”
“And I didn’t think you would ever drop that deadweight of a friend. Come to the meeting tomorrow. It’s time you made some new friends.”
Science was half done by the time Rick got to class, and before his head had recovered from his meeting with Principal Baker, he was back in the halls, navigating his way to Spanish. If he had been thinking clearly, he would have taken the second-floor hallway to avoid the office, where Jeff was inside, surely fuming. But if he hadn’t had reason to avoid Jeff, his brain wouldn’t have been so muddled in the first place.
As it was, Rick did pass by the main entrance, and in a misfortune of timing, he saw Jeff’s mom, Stacey. And worse than that, she wasn’t coming into the school. She was leaving, and Jeff was with her.
“Hey, Rick,” she said, her voice surprisingly pleasant for a mom who had been called in to school to pick up her kid during the day.
“Hey,” Rick said, trying not to feel Jeff’s steely eyes boring into his skull.
“Did you hear what this one did?” Stacey lifted Jeff’s hand, clasped in hers.
“Yeah, I guess,” said Rick.
