Chapter 4
The following year was a blur, I knew now how Father had felt when he took his life to be with my mother, but I could not even contemplate that action as Rose was young and needed me more than ever. Rose felt guilty that she was not with him that fateful night; maybe she could have assisted him in some way or so her young mind told her; but I assured her that had she been with him I would have lost them both. We continued with our lives, albeit with heavy hearts. Life without Gareth was hard, and the nights were lonely, I was again the sole bread winner but with my daughter as a dependant, I knew we would manage if we took things carefully and I used my second income towards supporting us. There was a fine nest egg put away for Rose so I wouldn’t need to add to it anymore, she would have a good start to her adult life with the amount I had saved. Months passed by, each day rolling on to the next, the villagers had all paid their respects and left us alone to continue our lives but offered help if needed. Gareth’s chair sat empty, Rose and I would sit at night and share our stories of him; I knew that he was around and listening to us. The thought of him sitting there with a smile on his face comforted me. I shared this knowledge with Rose, and to my surprise she felt exactly the same, she had felt his presence many times around the house but especially in the evenings when we sat in this way. She started to open up to me that she sometimes felt as though she was surrounded by invisible people? She could not describe the full extent of her experiences, she was not in fear of the situation, but I didn’t want to influence her in any way. She was at an age where I had also started to feel that there was more to life than what we saw. I would not forbid her to develop this gift as my mother had done, but I did not want to encourage it either as I had promised Gareth that I would keep her from the risk of persecution. I decided that I would let her explore the gift and develop at her own pace, knowing that if she needed clarification, I was here.
We continued with our lives and gradually returned to normal, or as near normal as possible, until one evening there was a knock on the door, it was more like a feeble tap, tap, tap and barely audible. The wind and rain pounded outside, it was cold, dark and miserable unusual for this time of year. I was apprehensive about opening the door as it was late, but curiosity got the better of me. I opened the door with trepidation, the wind and rain blew in with a fierce chill that almost knocked me back. It took me a few seconds to focus on the person that was standing at my doorstep, there was a ragged looking woman barely able to stay upright, a shawl draped over her face obscuring her features. She was leaning on the door post for support then slowly she looked up at me, it took me a few seconds to take in the woman’s face, I was taken aback! To my surprise I recognised that it was Maud!
My mind was in total confusion, what was this? How could she have come to this? She was unkempt, cold, wet and starved by the look of her and near to collapse. I called for Rose to help me gather her and put her by the warm hearth before she crumpled to the floor. We removed her filthy wet clothing and wrapped her in warm blankets, not without noticing that she was covered in bruises and partially healed wounds that were festering. There was hardly any flesh upon her bones, I was afraid that if I handled her too roughly she would break. I tended her wounds, cleaned her up and bade her sip some warm broth before we transferred her to a warm cosy bed. She could barely hold up her head let alone explain what had brought her here and in such a state; that could wait for tomorrow, for now she needed rest. I sat with her through most of the night; I needed to be sure she was capable of surviving through till morning! I could not imagine what had befallen her, whatever it was it must have been something drastic to bring her back here on my door step. Her wounds were horrific; I could not fathom how she had acquired such. She was brutalised; no-one should undergo treatment of this nature; who or what on earth could have done this was a mystery to me. I would have to be patient and wait until she was strong enough to sit up and recount her past, but knowing Maud, she may not want to share this with me. Rose was curious as to why Aunt Maud was in such a state and on our doorstep alone and hurt? I had not told her about the true relationship between us; I glorified our childhood to make it sound like a loving healthy sister relationship; I made believe how we used to play together as children, laughing and frolicking in the garden, I declined to tell her how Maud was a selfish, lazy, spoiled little brat that always wanted everything her way and was nothing but trouble. With this false image in her mind, Rose thought it was wonderful that her Aunt had returned to us even under somewhat unusual circumstances.
I spent several uneasy nights, continually looking in on Maud, checking her temperature and listening to her raspy breathing, I feared that she might pass away due to her frailty! Eventually she became calm and fell into a deep peaceful sleep and I relaxed knowing she would pull through this. She had remained in her bed for five days with a raging fever and somewhat delirious episodes; we tended to her every need and she gradually began to regain her strength and was now capable of sitting up in bed to eat and drink. Midway through the sixth morning she awoke and slowly drifted into the kitchen where Rose and I sat taking tea. I hurriedly went to her side and guided her to the table where a pot of tea was brewed and ready for pouring, after a short while I sent Rose out to do her chores, she did so but under protest as she wanted to hear what aunt Maud had to say.
Maud was quiet at first, she looked worn, pale and undernourished, I gave her the time and space she needed for her to settle and feel at ease. By the looks of her it was obvious that she had met with hard times. She took a few sips of the strong sweet tea, then looking down to her hands she began to relay what had brought her back to what she thought of as the ‘house of death’. A place that I never imagined her to come to, a place that held so many sad memories for her and a place that held me, her nemesis. All these years I imagined that she was living in grandeur and was married to a wealthy Merchant or Lord, there had been no communication between us, and to be honest I rarely gave her a thought. Our paths had parted and we were two very different identities, her dreams and aspirations had been much higher and more opulent than mine. It was quite obvious that this dream never eventuated for her, but how could I not have known? Between the sobs and gasps of exhaustion she relayed her past years with head hung low. She told me of how she had reached the capital city of London and was guided to a reputable suburb with grand houses on both sides of the street, one of which had a sign inside the window, ‘Room to let’. She applied to the lady of the house and was accepted to set up home in a household of shared accommodation, it was a female only abode and she would be safe here. Her intensions were to settle in and then start to mingle with the upper class, she worked hard to try and drop her East Anglican accent, as that would betray her as one from the lower side of life. She knew that if she started on the right foot, she would be accepted by the upper class. She immediately befriended a woman by the name of Ivy who appeared quite well to do. Ivy was always exquisitely dressed in the most up to date fashion; she appeared to mix with the Gentry and was often invited to parties and soirees. Maud would take afternoon tea with her and listen to her tales of the high life and the extravagance of the company she kept. Ivy tended to sleep until after lunch and then drift down to the common room to take her tea and mingle with the other residents. Maud thought that if she set herself up in a nice place like this and with a friend like Ivy, she would be able to mix with the higher society too. Maud was somewhat naive and not worldly in any way, what she was slow to realise was that her friend was a Lady of the Night, making her living by servicing the Gentry in a way that Maud had never even contemplated. Ivy was the epitome of everything that Maud had imagined for herself; elegant clothes, charming company, sophisticated living and fully in control of her existence. Ivy answered to no one, or so it seemed, and this is what Maud desperately sought, to be able to move in the same circles as her friend was all she had dreamed of.
Maud’s inheritance began to dwindle and she realised that she would have to find
some form of employment quite soon. She sat with Ivy one morning and told her of her predicament, she did not know where to start looking for work as she had no skills other than reading and writing. She was of a delicate nature and could not possibly do anything that entailed strenuous physical labour. Ivy listened with great interest and decided to open up to Maud and let her into her little secret about her trade and how much money she made from the gentlemen; it was easy money and Ivy assured her that with her looks, her youth and fine figure, she could make the same amount of money as she. It was not arduous in any way; in fact, it was very pleasurable and the utmost relaxing and climatic profession for a lady as fine as Maud, if performed correctly and with finesse. At first Maud was taken aback, she did not know that such a trade existed; she had never been with a man in that way, she was unsure as to what to do or how to do it! But Ivy assured her that men would find her virginity and naivety extremely attractive and her first client would pay her dearly for the privilege of being her first lover. Ivy continued to assure her that she would educate her in the skills of pleasing a man; she would teach her how to behave the way a lady should behave in the presence of gentry. There were ways that a lady would act and speak when mixing with high society, people of wealth and stature. Maud was gradually persuaded into Ivy’s way of thinking and made the decision to take the chance; if she didn’t like it she would find some other way to make a living. Ivy promised that she would find a fine gentleman for her, one who would treat her gently and ease her into womanhood. For several days Maud went to Ivy’s rooms and listened with intent as to what she should do and how she should do it. It was an art that Ivy had perfected and it had made her highly sought after by the highest of gentry; if she listened and learned she too would be highly sought after. Eventually she was ready; Maud was extremely nervous and quite beside herself, to the point of almost vomiting, though she had not eaten properly since her initial decision to go ahead with the training. Nonetheless she was determined to give it a try; after all, she was a grown woman and could make her own decisions! Approximately one week later, she was contacted by a gentleman of very high standing; the invitation arrived by an elegant coachman driving an even more elegant coach and horses. The coachman waited for her response to the invitation and assured her that he would return to this address to collect her and take her to the hotel that was named in the letter. She was to dress formally as it was a small dinner party with approximately ten guests; she was to be his partner for the whole evening and maybe even later. Maud went on to say how excited she was as she reminisced, yet scared half to death. She was imagining her early days where youthful dreams were rampant, and the unknown future of excitement awaited her.
What could she wear that would befit the occasion? She immediately rushed to Ivy’s room for advice. Thankfully Ivy was of the same stature and had many elegant dresses for her to choose from; it was like a child being taken to a high-class toy shop. She tried on many dresses and paraded in front of Ivy to judge which was best suited. Ivy was just as excited and wanted her young protégé to make an excellent first impression. Once she started to earn an income of her own, she could fill her wardrobe with finery and Ivy would have the greatest pleasure in helping her choose.
The evening arrived, she was ready and dressed impeccably; the coachman knocked on the door and upon seeing Maud he smiled and gave a nod of approval. He held out his arm to assist Maud to the awaiting coach and she stepped into another world. The coach journey seemed to drag and nerves began to swell up, causing Maud to feel nauseous and have second thoughts; what had she done? Maybe she should call out for the carriage to stop? But then just as she thought that the carriage did stop, she had arrived and there to greet her was the most handsome gentleman with a warm welcoming smile; he held out his hand to assist her from the carriage. True to her word, Ivy had chosen a fine looking gentlemen who greeted her at the high class Inn. He introduced himself to her before joining the other guest’s and then he eased her into their conversation; she was welcomed with warmth and friendliness. Maud, although naive was not a simpleton, she had been educated by the best and could converse on many subjects and in two languages. The evening was surreal; she bathed in the glory of such a high class abode with high class company. Her companion was very articulate and treated her like a real lady, he bought her wine and led her to a dining table laden with exotic fruits and a multitude of meats and candies the likes she had never seen before. She was in awe and wonder at the surroundings and the company yet handled it all like a woman of high standing. She sipped her wine slowly but after just one glass she soon began to feel light headed as she was not accustomed to alcohol of any nature; her companion noticed this and he made excuses for their departure. They made their way through the lobby and towards the stair that led towards their private room. The other guests smiled a knowing smile but bade goodnight to them both. He led her to a room on the upper floor which boasted a huge four poster bed the likes of which dreams are made of. She had never seen such grandeur; the bed linen was of pure silk and beautiful textured curtains hung at the corner posts. She went on to relay how he had guided her to the bedside and began to undress her slowly and gently until she was standing naked and so very innocent like a child. He helped her to settle back into the luxuriously quilted bedding where she lay in awe as he disrobed entirely and joined her. Maud had never seen a naked man before and began to tremble with anticipation but he assured her that he would be tender and would never hurt her.
She laid back and allowed him to explore her body slowly; he invited her to explore his and showed her the way to please a man. She remembered what Ivy had taught her, but still acted as if she was totally unaware; she was a good pupil and laid back in total acceptance of him and his guidance. He lay on top of her and gently but firmly entered her, there was an instance of pain which only lasted for a second and then the pleasures of love making took over. From that first encounter she found the sexual act to be incredible, she was in ecstasy, experiencing emotions and feelings that she had never known existed. She was taken into another world where sheer pleasure and bliss collided, and she did not want this to end. She begged for more when he had finished but he smiled down at her and asked her to wait for a little while until he could regain his strength and composure. She convinced herself that something as natural and pure as a man and woman sharing a love act together in this way could not be considered to be the sordid, immoral act that it is said to be. Maud was smiling and lost in a dream as she recalled her first night.
Her gentleman taught her well and he kept her to himself for several weeks before he tired of her and moved on to greener pastures. She was almost happy that he moved on thus freeing her to explore new avenues, she was beginning to feel restricted, she wanted to experience other men in the hopes that she would reach different heights. Now she was free to choose her own clientele and set her own pace and price. She thought life was amazing, she attracted the wealthy gentry of high standing; she lived the life of opulence, attending balls and theatres, dining on caviar and lobster, what was there not to like? Ivy had warned her to tread carefully from here on as she could be led down the wrong path where there are more sordid types of characters that are out to make money from their profession.
This lifestyle continued for many years, but Maud spent her money frivolously; she purchased expensive hosiery, dresses and fine jewellery, shoes too numerous to count, paid hairdressers to come to her room and make her look glamorous. But as the years began to take their toll, she began to show signs of age; the fine gentlemen began to drift away and the gentlemen that now came her way turned out to be of a more dowdy character. She was now privy to the occasional beating and ridicule. Her income diminished and she started to miss paying her rent, she was asked to leave the house she had called home for ten years. The abuse grew worse and she lost all self-respect, she was mistreated to the point that it caused her to turn to the drink, which in turn sent her crashing to the bottom. Men would use her and abu
se her, whilst the women would jeer at her and spit in her face, treating her with the contempt she deserved. She awoke one morning laying in a gutter, filthy, hung over and starving, to a point that she fought the stray dogs for their food. How did she let herself get to this state? Somehow she was lucid enough to think of home with a warm fire and the hope that her sister would take her in, she knew she had to return and eat humble pie, or die in the gutter that she had found herself to be in; one way or another she managed to make it to Sarah’s doorstep, any further and she would have perished.
I listened to her story and my heart bled for her, I leaned forward and touched her hand, she fell into my arms and cried with such force that her tears drenched my shoulder. How could I not have known my twin to be in such despair? Maybe I am the fraud that she had always claimed me to be? Maybe I was blinded by the closeness of birth? Or was I just too self-absorbed to give her a thought? I promised her that from this day forward I would protect her, no one will ever know of her past, if anyone asked, she had returned a grieving widow that needed family for comfort and support, not even Rose would know the truth. Both our lives had travelled on a sad and lonely path, though Maud’s was the more sordid road travelled. She had tried to become the lady she had always wanted to be, she had tasted the lifestyle that she yearned for and she gave her heart and soul to make a go of it but failed miserably. This left her with not only physical scars, but wounds embedded deep within her soul, memories that would keep her awake at night crying into her pillow. I on the other hand, had made a beautiful life with Gareth and Rose but had my love taken from me under horrific circumstances. Were it not for my daughter, there would have been no warm home for Maud to return to. We had both loved and lost dearly; surely this gave us something with which we could build our new relationship. We were family and Maud had no one in this world but myself and Rose. I felt that I could trust her from here on in, as she knew what it was to suffer the heartache of loss.
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