A sudden thought arrested her musing. Could God really love her this much? The way she loved Irina enough to let her go? On Sunday, Pastor Parks had spoken again of God’s love for all mankind. It was if he had spoken directly to her. She had trembled on the verge of belief but had managed to get out of the service with her dignity still intact.
In that moment, with the majesty of the stars beaming down like a beacon of approval and love, Tatiana realized it was true. All of it. God’s love, His care for her, for Sergio, for Irina. They hadn’t starved, had they? Somehow, there had been enough to keep them alive. And somehow, against all the odds, she was in America with Irina. And Irina would never go hungry again. God had to have been in this. There was no other explanation.
She felt the pull toward God again. That nameless longing for a place, for a Father, for belonging to Someone who loved her just as she was, sins and all. Tears sprang to her eyes, and she gripped the railing. How had she been so blind? Sergio had been right all along. Gabe was right.
Tears spurted from her eyes in a gush. She whispered a broken prayer. “Please, God. Forgive me for not believing in You. I believe You now, that you sent Jesus to take my sin. Will you take me as Your child?”
It was almost as though she heard God’s joyful, resounding yes. Peace crept into her heart like the first fingers of dawn. She wanted to laugh, dance, and sing. Though she faced separation from all she loved, God would go with her. She had to tell someone.
Though it was nearly midnight, she hurried down the hall to Grace’s room. Tatiana knocked on Grace’s door with a timid hand.
Moments later, Grace’s sleepy voice answered. “Come in.”
Pushing open the door, Tatiana entered and hurried to the bed.
“Is it Irina? Is she sick?” Grace struggled to sit.
“No, no, Irina, she is fine. But to tell you, I must.” The joy caused Tatiana to raise her voice.
“What is it? I can see your face glowing from here.” Grace flicked on her bedside lamp.
“I believe, Grace. I believe! I am God’s child.” Tatiana laughed from sheer happiness.
The dawning comprehension on Grace’s face changed to undiluted joy. She held out her arms. “My dear girl!”
Falling into her arms, Tatiana loosed a flood of tears. At least, she wouldn’t go back to Russia alone. She would have God. Never again would she be alone. The thought was heady.
“We need to let Gabe know. This changes everything.”
Tatiana stared at her. “This changes nothing of my situation. I know he cares, but I would not wish to trap him. He must love me freely, without feeling he must save me from poverty. Tell him he can visit me in Russia if he likes, but I must go back now.”
“Do you love him?” Grace asked gently.
Tatiana nodded. “You know this.”
Grace nodded. “I will leave this in God’s hands, child. He will bring all to pass according to His will.”
Tatiana squeezed Grace’s hand. “I know now that is best. Thank you for being a friend to me, for sharing Jesus with me.” She stood and walked to the door. “I know Irina will be raised to know about God. That is more important than anything else.”
She shut the door behind her and went down the hall to Irina’s room. The moonlight touched her daughter’s soft curls with silver gilt. She looked like an angel lying there with her cheek in the palm of one hand, her long eyelashes fluttering with some dream.
Tatiana sank to the floor beside the bed and gazed at her for several long moments. This would be the last night she would see the moonlight on her face, the last night she could watch her dreaming pleasant dreams of health and happiness. But Tatiana was content. Irina would be safe. And maybe sometimes Gabe would bring her to see her.
Tears leaked from her eyes, and she almost thought she could hear her heart cracking. She would never see Irina’s first day of school, hear her excited chatter about her first boyfriend. Grace would be the one to show her how to put on makeup, advise her on her clothing and hair. All the many things she thought she would be privileged to share with her daughter would be shared with Grace and Gabe instead.
Gabe would probably marry her if he were here. Maybe it was best he wasn’t. She would always wonder if he did it only because he felt sorry for her. That wasn’t enough anymore. She loved him enough to let him go, too. They would all be better off without her. She carried too much baggage from the past. Let them all start fresh; let Irina begin a new life without the strains of the old life.
She kissed her sleeping child. “Sleep well, my lamb. Sleep well and remember your mat.”
fourteen
“What do you mean the planes are all grounded?” Gabe roared. He slapped his palm against the counter and tried to control his agitation.
The clerk’s Adam’s apple bobbed in his scrawny neck, and he cut his eyes away nervously. “I’m sorry, sir, but until the fog lifts no planes will be leaving.”
Gabe softened his tone. Some Christian he was. He wasn’t acting very trusting of God’s hand in this right now, was he? “Sorry,” he said. “I know it’s not your fault. But it’s vital I get home. Do you have any idea how long it will be?”
The clerk blinked in surprise at the apology and cleared his throat. “No, sir. The weather report shows no break in the fog through mid-morning. We can hope for that.”
“I can pray for that,” Gabe muttered. He gave the clerk a distracted smile and walked away.
His insides hummed with urgency. Tatiana could be impetuous and headstrong. There was something else going on, too. He could sense it. Maybe he could coax it out of his mother. He found a bank of pay phones and dug out his calling card. Dialing the number, he drummed his fingers on the side of the phone and paced two feet one way, then turned and paced the other.
Wah-wah-wah. Gritting his teeth at the busy signal, he clutched the phone in his fist, then dropped it back into the cradle. Maybe the other airport would be different. He’d try Heathrow. He went back to the counter and waited in line for the same clerk. The man eyed him warily.
“Would you call Heathrow and see if they have any planes taking off?” he asked, careful to keep his tone polite and even.
The man sighed. “Sir, the fog is over the entire area. Their planes are all grounded, as well.”
“Please, humor me and check.”
The man shrugged and picked up the phone. After a few moments, his boredom changed to surprise, and he hung up the phone. “The fog isn’t quite as bad over there. They are thinking of closing, but so far have not. There is a plane taking off for New York in an hour. You just might make it.”
“Thank You, Jesus!” Gabe shouted. “Call ahead and have them hold the plane for me.” He wheeled and pelted toward the exit.
“Sir, your luggage!” the clerk shouted after him.
“Send it to me later!” Gabe had no time to worry about luggage. He could always buy more clothes. He would call his mother from the plane and find out what was going on. Please, God, let me be in time.
§
Tatiana cradled her daughter in her arms one last time.
“I want to come with you, Mat,” Irina said, burrowing her face in Tatiana’s neck.
Tatiana pulled her away a bit and stared into her daughter’s tear stained face. She had dreaded this good-bye, but it was imperative that Irina not think she was deserting her, that she didn’t want her. “Daddy will be home in a few days, my lamb. So sad he would be if you were not here.”
“But who is going to take care of you? You’ll be all alone in the apartment.” Irina spoke as if she were the adult and her mother were the almost four year old.
Tatiana struggled against the tears in her eyes. Irina must not know how much this hurt. “I will be fine, Irina. Jesus will be with me.”
The little girl screwed her face up again. “What about my birthday?” she sobbed. “Who will bake my cake? Who will brush my hair and fix my breakfast?”
“Why, Daddy will do it. And I w
ill bake one in our apartment and eat a piece just for you.” And try not to cry bitter tears that someone else was cutting her daughter’s cake and giving her presents. The thought of sitting in the lonely apartment and remembering Irina’s birth brought a searing pain in her heart.
“But I’ll miss you, Mat,” Irina said plaintively.
“I will call you on the phone and write you many, many letters. In school, you will soon be with many friends.” And slowly she would forget her mother, what she looked like, the feel of her arms. The tightness in Tatiana’s throat choked her, and she took a deep breath. She’d had almost four years with Irina, four precious years to love her and hold her. It would have to be enough. For Irina’s sake, it would have to be enough.
Irina’s tears trickled off. “Real letters, just for me?”
“Just for you. Every week. I promise.” She pulled Irina into her arms for one last hug, then stood. “I must go, my lamb, or I will miss my plane.” She took Irina’s hand. “You can help Martha bake cookies while Grandma takes me to the airport.”
“Chocolate chip?”
“I believe that’s what Martha had in mind,” she said. They walked down the steps, and Tatiana took her to the kitchen.
“Well, I was beginning to wonder if I would have to bake these cookies by myself,” Martha said. Her leg was out of its cast but still swollen. She sat at the table with her leg propped on a chair. The cookie dough was in a bowl in front of her and several cookie sheets waited for their turn in the oven.
Irina ran to her. “I want to help!”
Martha gave Tatiana a grim look, then jerked her head as if to say go while you can. Tatiana nodded, then hurried to the door. She paused for one last look. The sunlight gleamed on Irina’s golden curls. She sat on her knees on the chair, her lips pursed in concentration as she dipped her spoon into the cookie dough and laboriously dropped the dough on the cookie sheet. Her round cheeks bloomed with excited color. Tatiana imprinted it on her memory. Choking back a sob, she turned and fled.
§
“Come on, come on, pick up the phone,” Gabe muttered. Ring, ring. His agitation increased. Where could they be?
“Salinger residence.” Irina’s high voice sounded so grown-up on the phone.
Relief flooded Gabe. They were still there. “Irina? Hello, sweetheart, it’s Daddy.”
“Daddy, when are you coming home?” Irina’s voice was disapproving, as though she was still angry he had gone.
“I’m on my way home now, sweetheart. Listen, punkin, can I talk to Grandma?”
“No,” she said.
“Why not? Is she busy?” Gabe forced himself not to be short with her though his insides screamed with urgency.
“She isn’t here, Daddy. She and Mat went to the planes.” She gave a sorrowful sigh. “Mat has to go away. But she’s going to write me letters.”
Planes? Go away? The sinking feeling in his stomach increased. “Where is she going, Irina? You must tell me.”
“To Russia. She had to go back.” Irina’s sorrowful tone increased. “Can’t you make her stay, Daddy? I don’t want her to go.”
“I don’t either, sweetheart. Listen, who is there with you? I need to talk to an adult.” He had to find out what flight Tatiana would be on. Maybe he could stop it or call her at the airport.
“Martha is here. Here, Martha, Daddy wants to talk to you.”
He winced at the bang in his ear when Irina dropped the phone.
Moments later, Martha’s voice came on the line. “Hold your horses, Gabe. These old bones don’t move as quick as they used to.”
He wasted no time in pleasantries. “Do you know what flight Tatiana took?”
“I got it here somewhere.” She rummaged through some papers. “Here it is.” She read the numbers and departure times to him. “You gonna marry her? Anybody with half an eye could see you love her.”
He groaned. “I wish I could, Martha. But she’s not a Christian.”
Martha snorted. “You been misinformed, Gabe. She’s a Christian now.”
He widened his eyes, and his heart jumped with hope and joy. “What are you saying?”
“I’m sayin’ the lass became a Christian the other night. There is no reason not to wed her now.” Martha’s voice was tinged with impatience as though she thought him a trifle slow.
“Why didn’t she tell me?” Another thought struck him. “And why is Irina still there?”
Martha sighed. “Tatiana had some fool-headed notion you only cared because of pity. And the missus is adopting the wee one so she can stay in America.” She snorted again. “Foolish, that’s what I told her. She must be foolish not to see you were sick with love.”
He hadn’t realized he was so transparent. His heart lifted. Nothing stood between him and Tatiana now. The flight had already left Indianapolis. He would try to have her paged at JFK in New York.
His heart was full to overflowing with joy that the Lord had found her. Found her and opened the way for their marriage. He just had to stop her from leaving. Praying for all he was worth, he settled down in his seat and stared out over the gray clouds below him.
§
The plane banked for landing at JFK Airport. Tatiana leaned over and stared at the landscape below her. Green squares, like checkerboards, opened below the clouds. Her heart felt heavy in her chest, and she was glad for the numbness. But the pain was crouching just around the corner, lying in wait to pounce like a tiger on unsuspecting prey. She had to hold it off until she was alone. She wanted no strangers asking if they could help. No one could.
The plane bumped, then the pilot threw on the brakes. Taxiing around the runway, the plane pulled to a stop. Tatiana debated about getting off but decided to stay in her seat. The plane would take off again in two hours. Maybe she could get some sleep and forget what lay behind her. With some rest, she might be able to make plans for what to do when she reached Moscow.
Most of the other passengers stood and began to move down the aisle. Good. Maybe she would have some time alone. Time to prepare for the transition that awaited her. She took the blanket on the seat beside her and curled up under it. Closing her eyes, she drifted off to sleep.
When she awoke, the plane was boarding. She sat up and rubbed her eyes. Glancing at her watch, she saw they would be taking off in thirty minutes. She should have gotten off. She was hungry. But the stewardesses would feed them once they were in the air.
Tatiana smiled at her seatmate, then turned to stare out the window. The nap had only served to allow the numbness to begin to fade around her heart. Pain gnawed at the edge of her consciousness, but she pushed it away. She wouldn’t think of Irina’s blue eyes and blond curls, of Gabe’s tender expression and cheeky grin. She blinked furiously to dispel the tears that pooled in her eyes.
She saw one stewardess hurry to another and whisper, then they both turned and stared at her. The red-haired one came toward her with a frown on her face. Tatiana’s heart sank. Was something wrong with her passport? For a moment, she was frightened that she might be thrown in jail. She told herself this was America, not Russia, but the fear had been too ingrained. Clutching the seat in front of her with white knuckles, she watched the stewardess approach.
“Mrs. Lazarenk?”
“Yes.” Tatiana’s hands were icy, and she felt as though she might throw up.
“Please, I must ask you to come with me.” Her voice was firm.
What could be wrong? Not sure her knees would hold her, Tatiana rose and stumbled down the aisle after her. Other passengers whispered and stared as they passed. Spots danced in front of her eyes, and she gripped the sides of the seats she passed for support. She mustn’t faint.
They reached the jetway, and Tatiana followed the stewardess out of the plane.
Stepping into the brightly lit airport gate area, she blinked and paused. The stewardess stopped and turned to her. “I’m sorry to frighten you, but we were asked to escort you off the plane.” She looked around. “He should
be here someplace.”
He? Confusion clouded her thoughts.
“Tat!”
Her head jerked around. Gabe? Her gaze met his. He was standing against the wall by the phones with one in his hand. He put it in its cradle and came toward her. She saw the love and joy blazing out of his eyes like a beacon welcoming her home. Her mouth went dry at the devotion she saw in his face.
He opened his arms, and she ran into them. His arms went around her, and as she felt them pull her close, she knew she’d come home. Home where she belonged.
“What are you doing here?” she whispered.
“Claiming the woman I love.” He tilted her chin up and his lips found hers.
All the love she’d ever longed for was in his kiss. All the acceptance, the promise of forever she thought she’d never find on this earth. When he pulled away, she was breathless. She didn’t even have to ask if he was here because of pity or duty. She knew love when she saw it.
“We have to hurry,” he said. “We have a plane to catch for Indy. Mike knows the county clerk, and she is standing by to issue us a marriage license tonight. Pastor will marry us as soon as we arrive in Wabash.”
“Irina?”
“She’s waiting for us, along with Mother and Mike.”
“Everything you have thought of,” she said.
Gabe smiled. “Mike will be smug, you know. That day in my office when he told me what he’d done, I was ready to kill him. Now I’ll have to thank him. I have a beautiful wife and a perfect daughter. What more could a man ask?”
She smiled. “A son, perhaps?” Her lips were tremulous at the thought of a little boy with Gabe’s gray eyes and cleft chin.
Gabe touched her face with gentle fingers. “Hold that thought,” he whispered. “I can’t think of anything I’d like more than a houseful of our children each taking their turn in the nursery. But we have to take care of the marriage first. Let’s go home.”
From Russia With Love Page 14
