Finally Jens sat down beside me on the edge of our bed, his shoulders slumped. “What makes you say that?” he joked. It was good to hear him say something funny. “So the whole trust thing’s pretty much shot on both ends, huh.”
“Yup.”
“Sorry I left.”
“Sorry I kept a secret.” I wasn’t sure which secret I was apologizing for. I took a deep breath as I bit my nails before delving into the muck. “If you want to run, I can’t change you. But I also don’t have to wait for you. I think that’s fair.”
“It’s fair.”
“This is too intense. You’re my first boyfriend and we’re already living together. It’s too fast for me.”
“I have to live with my charge,” he explained.
“I know. I know. But clearly this level of seriousness isn’t working for us. You need to know all my secrets, and I need you to stick around when you hear them. Until we can give that to each other, we need to cool it down for a while. Expect less, so we’re not always disappointing each other.”
Jens covered his face in his hands and exhaled. “I thought you might go there. I stayed away so long to avoid exactly that.”
“How’s that working for you?” I kicked the side of my shoe to his.
“Any chance we can truce it out?” he suggested in a whisper. “Any chance you can tell me a secret if I promise to stick around and not get pissed?” His arm went around my back, and despite everything, I appreciated that he was trying.
I sunk into his side, sighing softly on his shoulder as he dragged me down into our bed. “I’m afraid I’m going crazy,” I admitted, since we were telling each other our ugly truths finally. “I pretend Linus is alive just so I have someone to talk to.”
Jens was on his side, cradling me in his arms and raking his fingers through hair I hadn’t washed in days. “I do that too. So at least they’ll give us adjoining rooms in the loony bin. Silver lining.”
I snorted at his bleak humor that matched my own. “Is there a way to undo an arv? Like a wizard or a magistrate or something I can go to so I can… unsign for it?”
He chuckled. “Wizard. You and that imagination.” Jens kissed my temple and kicked off his boots.
Jens rolled over on top of me, nipping at my lips. I pulled back from his kiss with a grimace. “Too soon. Dude, I’m a mess, and you ran out on me in the middle of it. I’m cool with a truce, but I’m not feeling all this right now. You’ve got to slow down.”
Jens paused, and then nodded, resorting to stroking my arm instead as he resumed his spot by my side. “That’s fair.”
“Where were you?” I tried to keep any antagonism out of my voice, but I’d needed him, and he’d bolted. “You left me.”
Jens sighed. “Why would you think I’d leave you?”
I looked from side to side, incredulous. “Um, because there was a Jens-shaped hole in the door. Because you left.”
He rolled onto his back next to me and spoke to the ceiling. “I’ve got an elf friend who knew a fair amount of sirens before they were killed off. That’s where I went – to find him. He’s not at his usual haunts though, so I came back. Give me a few weeks. I’ll find him.” He kissed my forehead. “I went to see if he could shed some light on what to expect from a siren arv.”
“I don’t want the powers. I just want my white picket fence.” My wet eyes met his soft gaze before he kissed the back of my hand with a gentle caress of the lips I loved. “Don’t run out on me anymore,” I begged. “Even when it’s hard. Even when it’s ugly.”
“I was trying to fix the problem for you.”
I stared him down. “You were running.”
I could tell he wanted to argue, but he permitted adulthood to finally take the reins. “I was. Next time it gets rough, I’ll be a perfect pain in your perfect backside until we duke it out.” He pinched my hip just to make me jump.
“I love you,” I said, marveling at the man who came back to me, despite my obvious flaws. “I think I’m ready for that kiss now.” He smelled of heavenly sugar cookies, and kissing him gave me the placebo sugar shot I craved. He was a runner, just like me. Fault him though I wanted to, I had the same dysfunction. Hence, the secrets.
Jens pulled away a few inches and yanked out his vibrating phone, cursing the intruder who horned in on our reunion. “Yeah?” He kissed me again. “Be down in a minute.”
I pressed my lips to his one more time before responsibility could tear us from the moment we’d needed. “Take me to London,” I begged quietly, nipping at his lower lip. “Take me away from the drama. Let’s put Pesta and all the problems in a box and throw it in the ocean when we fly over.”
Jens deepened the kiss when my legs wrapped around his hips. “That sounds doable. Are you ready to concede that Basil’s a man’s name?”
“Never,” I whispered against his mouth. “I’ll be the sexiest Basil you’ve ever seen.”
“I have no doubt.” Jens pulled back, sitting up to take a breather before we got carried away. “See, had you just admitted you were wrong, I would’ve booked the flight tonight. But since you’re bent on being stubborn, no in-flight peanuts for you.”
“Oh, rats.” I sat up and swung my legs off the bed. “I’m gonna hop in the shower. It’s been a while.”
“I was going to say,” he commented snidely.
“But you didn’t, which is why you’re still alive.”
Jens sobered, clutching onto my hand, bringing me to stand in front of him. “You were going to kill yourself. If I hadn’t come back when I did, I’d have come back to a body on the floor.”
I bit the nails on my free hand. “I didn’t want to, but I wasn’t sure how to make it all stop. You know I’m not supposed to be alive.”
“It’s not the way, Loos. It’s a tragedy, not a solution.” He stared into my eyes, searching for truth and permanence. “Come downstairs when you’re done.”
“Okay.” I pulled out some clothes from the dresser. “Hey, Jens?”
“Yeah, Mox?”
I smiled at the nickname I loved. “Thanks for coming back.”
He tilted my chin up with a tap of his finger and kissed me lightly. “Thanks for being worth coming back to.”
Thirteen.
Failures and Infernos
I wasn’t terribly surprised to find everyone was arguing when I came down. My hair was damp and pulled into a ponytail, and I wore Jens’s favorite t-shirt of mine. It was a snug brown thing that hugged my curves in the right places and said “What Moose?” on the front in a neat font. My original one had been burned up when he’d first taken me from my apartment, but he’d combed the internet and found the store that sold them and ordered me a new one. Really kinda loved that guy. My navy blue opera gloves matched my jeans, and I’d slipped on a yellow Chuck Taylor and a purple one so I felt more like myself. When I entered my pristine olive-painted living room, the commotion died down.
“Anyone feel like going to see a movie?” I asked, only half-kidding to break the tension. “I could use a thriller, since life’s gotten so boring and predictable around here.”
Jens humored my joke with a forced smile. “Maybe another night, babe. Britta’s leaving.”
“Where you going? Want me to come with? I can drive.” Britta had gotten her license by one point on the seventh try, but her skills had not improved much. It was frightening to watch from the backseat.
“No,” Britta explained, and for the first time I noticed she had a suitcase next to where she stood near the front door at the edge of the living room. “I’m leaving. I can’t stay here. Not after everything that happened.” She fidgeted with the pink fall jacket I’d bought her, playing with the zipper as she often did when she was uncomfortable. Her brown braids swished from side to side when she shook her head. “I know you can’t help the bond, but you should’ve told me what Jamie was doing to you. It affects me, too, and I deserved to know who was watching me in a private moment.”
My mouth fell ope
n in shock. “Britta, I’m sorry! I didn’t want to see! I tried to get out! I tried to knock myself out. I tried drinking myself stupid just to give you some space!”
Britta couldn’t meet my eyes, so deep was her shame at being seen as I’d seen her. “But you didn’t talk to me. You just let it happen over and over again. I deserved to know, and you let me down. I’m humiliated!”
I was horrified at the simple conclusion that never even dawned on me. So engrained was my running and hiding that I hadn’t even tried talking to Britta about it. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right. I should’ve talked to you first thing. I was so wrong, Britt. I didn’t think. I panicked, and then I didn’t want to steal your moment and ruin it for you. You’ve had to give up so much for the bond. I didn’t want to hold you back anymore.”
Britta kept her cool through our first argument, and in front of an audience, no less. “I’ve never complained about the bond. I’m patient, and I can wait. For both of you to lie to me so I could be a fool? I forgive you because I love you, but I can’t live here anymore.” She bit her lip as she spoke to her hands, and I could see how deeply I’d hurt her. Tears touched us both, and she pressed on in a rush. “I understand why you didn’t say anything, but it was the wrong choice. I’m going to stay at the ranch until I can figure out where to go from there.”
My head snapped to Foss, whose face was stern. He nodded to confirm that in fact, Britta was so wounded by what happened that she would risk living with someone she hated to escape us.
I stepped forward so she had to see me and couldn’t avoid my face any longer. “Britta, please! Don’t leave us! I made a mistake, and I’ll pay for it longer than you’ll ever be able to punish me. But I didn’t try to hurt you on purpose! Can’t you see that I’d never do anything to upset you? Don’t you know I’ve always been on your side?” Panic clawed at my insides at my only girlfriend breaking off a friendship I desperately needed. I threw my arms around her and squeezed, not letting her leave. I knew it was futile, but I couldn’t think rationally through the shock.
Britta broke down in my arms, sobbing on the too-short shoulder I had to offer. “I’m so embarrassed! I can’t even look at him!”
“Jamie loves you,” I assured her, though I didn’t know why I was sticking up for the tool who tried to break me from the inside.
She shook her head. “Love doesn’t feel like this. It’s the Nøkkendalig all over again,” she blubbered into my hair. “He used me! I was… and he used me to hurt you! You, I can forgive, but I can’t forgive him! He was everything, and now?” She sniffed and squeezed me once more before righting herself to her proper height. “I can’t be with someone who uses me to hurt my best friend.”
I wiped away her tears, nodding. “Can I come visit you?”
Britta smiled sadly and shook her head. “You come with Jamie, and I won’t see him again. I’m afraid this will be goodbye for a while, liten syster.”
I made the wrong choice, but I don’t deserve to lose my best girlfriend over this! My thoughts were a mad rush of upset, but I allowed Britta to choose when she wanted to run. It was the one choice I wish I had, so I granted her the option to run away from me and not chase her down. Jamie was still asleep in his house, and I could tell he’d not been told of Britta’s flight from him. From us.
She laced her fingers through mine. “I do love you, and I forgive you. But I can’t forgive Jamie for hurting us like that. The last week, something’s changed inside of him. I don’t know why or how, but he’s different now.”
Jens was peering out the window, that same Spidey sense tingling. “Something’s out there,” he warned. “Maybe it’s just a deer, but it’s something. Foss, I’ll walk Britt to the car and load up the rest of her stuff. Could you lock the backdoor?”
Foss obeyed without a word, drawing his knife from his boot to humor Jens. My boyfriend kissed my cheek and took his sister’s suitcase, walking with her through the house and into the attached garage.
I cried into my gloved hand, feeling the same crush of loneliness I’d endured when I’d had to leave Tonya.
Elsa and Leif were silent through the whole ordeal. Whenever Elsa met my eyes, I could see the guilt she felt at her treatment of me, but knew she would never admit to fault. Leif left his wife’s side and wrapped me in a hug, which was uncharacteristic of our acquaintance-ship. I sucked my tears back inside as quickly as I could, remembering that I wasn’t amongst friends. I thanked Leif and shrugged out of his embrace, excusing myself to my bedroom.
I collapsed on my bed, wanting to sleep away the pain. Jamie was still asleep from Elsa’s whistle. Boy, would that be a rude awakening.
I put in my earbuds and turned my iPod on to the Partridge Family, knowing it was too much to expect for them to pull me out of my funk.
Three songs passed, and David Cassidy had not resurrected me, which might have been an unfair expectation for the poor guy. I heard commotion from downstairs, but I ignored it as best I could.
When the rumbling of voices became shouts, I took one bud out of my ear to listen for the source of the trouble. “Fire!” was the only word I needed to hear to come back to life. I sprang from the bed, grabbed my green backpack and Jens’s red pack, and threw open the door, cringing at the heat I should’ve suspected would be there. I was lucky the fire wasn’t built to a level that would melt my hand, but it brought the immediate danger to my attention. Why the crap aren’t the fire alarms going off?
I ran into the hallway, smack into Foss, who grabbed me like a caveman and dragged me down the steps. “Hurry!” he bellowed, as if I wasn’t already running. His knife was drawn, like he expected to be able to fight the fire with steel.
Lucy? Lucy! What’s going on? My fear must’ve roused Jamie, but I didn’t have time to talk to him. He was safe in his house, so I’d bother with him later.
The flames were mostly contained to my gorgeous kitchen, the lavender paint catching fire and melting as the flames licked and climbed up the sides of the room towards the ceiling.
“My house!” I cried, frozen on the spot. “No!” I tried to put out the flames that looked like they originated near the open window, which I couldn’t remember unlatching. I turned on the sink and sprayed the counters, choking on the smoke and the heat so hot, it felt like my face might melt off and pool at my feet. My two bags were over my shoulder, and I took great care not to let the sparks leap off onto them.
Lucy, run! Get out of there! You can’t put out that fire!
Screw you! I raged. I won’t let my house burn down!
No matter how much I sprayed the conflagration, the fire just wouldn’t die down. No sooner would I clear a spot, then a larger cluster of heat replaced it. I could smell the burning wood and the Formica that was buckling before my eyes. The scent stung my nose and stuck to my skin. I screamed as the fire crawled closer to me, its tentacles and toes scraping across the wood floor I’d been so happy our house came with. I was losing the fight, no matter how hard I tried.
Foss yelled, “Get out of there!” to me, and I came to my senses, realizing I’m not a firefighter. I looked up and saw the flames close around me like a purposeful circle. They seemed intent on my destruction, and panic gripped my throat as I choked on the smoke.
“Just go!” I ordered Foss. “I’ll catch up!”
“I won’t leave you! Jump to me!” He held his arms out, and the fire illuminated his face, showing me his very real fear that I was trapped and would probably die inside my perfect house.
My normal always went up in flames. I’d had seven months of perfect. A crash and burn was overdue, really.
“I can’t!” I cried, shaking my head in terror at the flames that were now as high as my thighs.
Lucy, go!
“I can’t jump that high! Just run!” I ordered Foss. Tears streamed down my face as I met his fearful gaze.
Jamie flitted over my thoughts, fishing out the important ones. No, Lucy! It’s not an option! We won’t go out lik
e this!
Suddenly my angst drained, and my voice grew steady. My face composed itself, looking on my former husband with love and decision. “Go, Foss. This is how it should be. Get the others out.” I swallowed as the flames crept closer, enacting the justice they’d set out to do. I was the wrong in the world, and they would do the thing my friends could not. Jamie was screaming in my head, and I could see him running toward my house. He would be too late. “I’m a siren,” I said simply through my tears. “This is how this is supposed to go.”
I took a breath as I stepped toward the flame, and Foss saw my resolve for what it was. He’d begged me to let him burn with his house, and now I was silently asking for the same.
But Foss loved me. He didn’t have the option of thinking about the greater good.
Foss leapt through the fire like friggin’ Superman and snatched me up, gritting his teeth against the heat that tore at his jeans. He carried me like a superhero wreathed in flames out of the kitchen and into the living room, where the fire had not yet spread. He dropped me and rolled on the ground, putting out the tongues of orange.
Elsa and Leif were tugging at the front door to get out, but somehow it was stuck shut. “Move!” Foss commanded, his bulk the master key to any locked door. He barreled against it, but it didn’t budge. I bolted to the backdoor and tried opening the latch, but ran into the same problem.
“It’s stuck!” I called through the house. “The garage! Get to the door that goes out to the garage, guys!”
In the next breath, the route I suggested let out an explosive sound like a bomb shot from a cannon. The whole house shook, and I screamed, temporarily distracted from the fire.
My emotions were all over, going from scared to shocked to focused, and then I settled on pissed. I ran to the coffee table in the living room that sat in the center of the space. “Get back!” I warned them, feeling around under the table for the gun I knew Jens had concealed there. My heart beating was the only thing my ears heard as I stood a few feet from the giant picture window, aimed on an angle, covered my face and pulled the trigger, shattering my beautiful view with one determined shot.
Lucy at Peace Page 9
