“How are you related to the Winslows?” Annie asked Julia.
“We’re not. I went to school with Coren’s grandma and we were best friends. Coren’s parents died in a terrible train accident. His grandparents took Coren and his sister in and raised them. We kept in touch over the years, even after Coren’s grandparents died. He and Eli were like brothers.”
“Coren hasn’t told me about his parents,” said Annie. Her heart ached for the man she’d married. She better understood his fears. He’d experienced so much loss in his life.
“He won’t talk about it. You might get Kathryn to tell you about them, if you ask.”
“He did eventually talk about Sarah.”
“Did he? I’m glad. He’s dealt with so much pain, yet he went on to make something of himself. His parents would be proud.” Julia’s boney arms came out from under the covers so she could shift in her seat. Annie moved to help her, but she waved Annie away. Once settled, she pulled her arms back under the blankets.
“You’re a pretty little thing. I can see why he married you,” said Julia, once she’d caught her breath.
Annie burst out laughing at the old woman’s description. “You might be the first person to ever tell me I was pretty.”
“Coren hasn’t said it? I need to have a talk with that boy!”
Annie couldn’t stop the giggles. “I don’t mind. Don’t fuss at him about it.”
“But you are pretty. Coren must have noticed. Why else would he marry you? Sarah wasn’t really much of a looker. She was nice, sweet, but not pretty.” She stuck a hand out and patted Annie’s cheek. “Yes, I think he married you for your looks.”
Annie fought the laughter that bubbled out of her. “You’ll have to ask him about that.”
“Why else would he marry again?” Julia seemed confused.
Annie sobered quickly and gripped the old woman’s hand in her own. “Aunt Julia, he needed someone to look after the children.”
“That’s a terrible reason to get married. You agreed to it?” Julia’s horror was genuine. For the first time since she’d stood in front of the church with Coren, Annie felt a flicker of doubt about her decision. “Those children will grow up and leave home and the two of you will still be married. Have you figured out what you’re going to do then?”
“I hadn’t thought that far ahead,” Annie confessed.
“Do you even love each other?” Julia asked.
Annie looked down at her hands. She couldn’t meet Julia’s soul-searching gaze.
“Do you love him?”
Annie looked up. “Yes,” she whispered.
“Does he love you?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think he’s over Sarah’s death yet.”
“You poor girl.” Julia’s tone was kind. “He’s a good man. He’ll come around and see you for the pretty thing you are.” She squeezed Annie’s hand. “Now, tell me about the children. How are they doing?”
Annie chatted with Julia about the children and their schooling for the next hour, thankful to move away from the topic that had been tormenting her soul.
Chapter Twenty-four
The children had grown tired of the lambs after a few minutes, so Eli saddled his ancient mare and let them take turns riding her around the yard. The two men leaned against the corral and watched.
“They seem better off than they were this time last year when you brought them. After Sarah died you know.”
“I think they’ve gotten over it faster than I have.”
“Children are resilient. They adapt to new things. Maybe they’ve started forgetting her.”
Coren cringed. Eli lacked tact and had never been very good at socializing. “Annie is trying to make sure that doesn’t happen. She’s helping them make a book of memories so Vivian and Darren will be able to know their mother, too.”
“She sounds like a gem, that Annie,” said Eli. “Where did you find her?”
“She found us. My sister hired her to teach the children. I married her because I needed someone with them full time. She can be there if I’m called away for an emergency.”
“That’s it. You married her so you’d have a built in caregiver for your children. Sounds pretty selfish to me. She’s a saint if she married you knowing all you needed from her was her child-care skills.”
Coren scowled at his friend. “That’s not fair, Eli. I treat her well.”
“I’m sure you do. You are a very kind man. Sarah’s gone, Coren. Annie is here. Your children are here. Don’t let guilt hold you back from a wonderful life you could have with them.”
“I’m not there, yet. Sarah hasn’t been gone that long.”
“I know. I’m not trying to push you. Just reminding you not to live in the past with all the hurt and loss. You won’t ever get over Sarah. But you will grow stronger as you pass through the grief. You don’t want to linger in it. I’d know. I’ve often wondered what would have happened if I’d married again after Lily died. I wouldn’t be alone today if I had. I let my grief and loss eat me up. Now I’m stuck with regret and long evenings at home with my aging mother.”
“I’d forgotten about Lily and the baby,” said Coren. His friend had experienced the same loss he had.
“I always told myself Lily was the only woman for me. Ever.” Eli shrugged. “If we’d had other children, I probably would have looked harder for another wife. I would have needed help, too. Don’t overlook the blessing you’ve been given. Five healthy kids. A lovely woman who would marry you for the sole purpose of helping you care for them. You’re a blessed man, Coren.”
∞
Annie was surprised when Coren returned to tell her it was getting late and they needed to leave for home. She hugged Julia before she left.
“Come visit again, dear,” said Julia. “Sarah was always so busy. She never came with Coren when he stopped to check on me. You’re always welcome. I enjoyed our chat this afternoon. I’m an old woman. I don’t get many visitors anymore and I get lonely.”
“I’ll plan for it,” Annie promised.
Coren had the children loaded in the car. The evening light was fading fast. The children talked the entire drive home. The lambs were the highlight of the visit. But Eli had saddled an ancient horse and had let them take turns walking her around the yard. The boys had found the pace frustrating and longed to go faster, but Ava and Vivian had loved it.
Annie made them all bathe before feeding them supper. They tried to stay awake long enough to tell stories about Sarah, but one by one they dropped off, sometimes mid-sentence.
Annie found Coren in the drawing room after the children were asleep. She grabbed her book and curled up in a chair to read before bed.
“Why did you agree to marry me?”
Coren’s unexpected question made Annie scramble for an answer.
“I knew it was the right thing for me to do. I knew I was supposed to marry you.”
“How?”
Annie didn’t know how to answer. Rather, she didn’t know how to answer him without revealing everything in her heart. She decided to keep it as simple as she could. “I loved your children and saw they needed someone to care for them. I talked with my mama about it. She told me that she’d married my papa because her papa wanted him to bring her to the United States. They didn’t love each other. They barely knew each other.
“I knew you well enough to know you love your children and want what’s best for them. I loved them, too. So if you thought I’d make the best replacement mother for them, I was happy to assume the role.”
“We barely know each other now, months later,” Coren said. He stood and began pacing. “I have to admit I find you attractive. Eli told me today I was being selfish. He’s right. I haven’t taken the time to get to know you.”
Annie flushed at his words. He found her attractive. “Julia told me you lost your parents in a train accident when you were a child. I didn’t know that about you. Seems like I should know more about your family.”
“And I should know more about yours. Can we work on it, Annie? We’re in this together now and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a stranger.”
“I’d like that,” said Annie. She felt her flush deepen and a warm pleasure spread through her. He wanted to get to know her for who she was.
“I don’t even know where to begin.”
“Maybe we should begin at the beginning.”
“You mean when we were born?” Coren chuckled as he said the words.
“It seems like the most logical place to me.”
“I was born in this very house, as were all of my children,” Coren began.
Chapter Twenty-five
“Tell me more about Sarah,” Annie asked Coren the next evening after the children were in bed.
Coren’s face registered his surprise. “I told you about her. What more do you want to know?”
Flustered, Annie shifted in her chair. She had been struggling with a growing jealousy toward Sarah. Coren had loved Sarah. He was angry she was gone. Annie felt like she was competing with a memory and it wasn’t fair.
“When did you two meet? What made you decide to marry? I know many things about Sarah, but most of it is what the children have told me. I’d like to get to know her from your perspective.”
Coren sighed and rubbed his face. “I don’t remember not knowing Sarah. We grew up together. Her family used to live in the house across the street. Her parents moved to a smaller house after all their children left home. I have to admit, I haven’t kept in touch with them like I should since Sarah died.
“I don’t remember ever really falling in love with Sarah. One day, when we were almost done with high school, I realized I loved her. We went steady the whole time I was in college and married after I started my residency.” He leaned back in the chair and put his interlocked fingers behind his head. “I haven’t thought about those days in a long time.”
Coren twisted his head to look at Annie. “Our relationship wasn’t always perfect. I struggle as I look back on it and only see either the good or the bad. We were always good friends, no matter if we were getting along or not. She didn’t like waiting for me to finish school. Honestly, I didn’t enjoy that part either. But I wouldn’t have graduated without her help. She’d come over here and help me cram for tests or read books aloud to me to help me study.
“Once we were married and I had started my practice, she didn’t enjoy the long nights I had to spend away from home. I can’t blame her there, either. Sometimes I’d be gone every night of the week. After Ezra was born, I cut back my hours so I could be here with her in the evenings and so I could participate in my children’s lives. We set up my office in the back hall. She helped me with my record keeping. It made a huge difference in our relationship.”
Coren reached across the distance between their chairs and took Annie’s hand. “I don’t mind talking about Sarah. But I really want to talk about you. About us. I need to get to know you, Annie.”
Annie sighed. “I feel sometimes like I came into the middle of a story. My entire life has felt that way. I started college but had to give it up when the stock market crashed. I had to fight my way through to finish and get my certificate. As soon as I got it, I got the job here, but gave that up to marry you and care for your children.
“My best friend in college is living her dream. She moved west to teach school. She married a man out there. She’s still teaching, while raising her children.
“Why do some people get to have their dream and others don’t?” Once Annie started talking the words poured out of her and she felt like she couldn’t make them stop.
“What was your dream, Annie?” Coren sat up straighter. He gripped her fingers tighter and stroked the back of her hand with his thumb.
“I wanted to teach. I know I teach the children every day, so I’m able to live that part of my dream.”
“Was your dream to teach in a school?” There was no judgement in Coren’s face or voice, only curiosity.
Annie nodded, not trusting her voice. She swallowed hard and forced a smile. “I love teaching the children, though. It’s wonderful and rewarding. I wouldn’t change anything.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. Maybe someday I’ll be able to teach. Right now, you need me here and I want to be here.”
“What else?”
“I dreamed of having my own home and family. And a husband…” Annie couldn’t say the rest of it.
“A husband who was in love with you.”
Again, Annie nodded and swallowed hard around the lump in her throat. She stared at their joined hands “I’m happy to be here with you. It’s just not how I thought my life would turn out.”
∞
Coren knew she’d given him a gift when she told him what was in her heart. He’d been annoyed at first when she wanted to hear about Sarah. He treasured his memories of Sarah. Unlike his children, he didn’t want to share them. That was a part of himself he was withholding from Annie. If he ever wanted to make this work, he couldn’t hold anything back.
“Wait here,” Coren said. He retrieved a photo album from his office and returned to the drawing room. He sat on the couch and opened it. “Do you mind joining me? I want to show you these.”
He opened to the first page, a sepia photo of himself when he was a baby. “My mom was sitting in the chair, holding me in her lap and the photographer covered her with a blanket.”
Annie giggled. “Your poor mother! You look uncertain about what’s happening.”
“My grandparents told me I refused to sit still. That’s the only photo they could get because I wiggled too much.”
“Sounds like Darren.”
Coren chuckled. “He does remind me of myself.”
“He looks like you, especially while he’s sleeping.” Annie flushed as she said it. “He’ll grow up to be a handsome man.”
“You think I’m handsome?”
Annie cocked an eyebrow. “Yes. But don’t let it go to your head.”
Coren couldn’t stop himself from grinning. He didn’t know if Sarah had thought he was handsome. He couldn’t remember if she’d ever said. He turned a page to a photo of himself and his parents, the last one they’d had taken before they died. Coren’s hand rested on his mother’s shoulder.
“Danny looks like your father,” said Annie.
“He does. Sometimes it’s uncanny. He even talks like my father, even though he never met him.”
“Is it hard for you to be reminded like that?”
“Not really. I’m pleased my father’s memory has lived on in my son.”
Coren and Sarah’s wedding picture was next. Vivian resembled her mother more than any of the other children. Annie mentioned this to Coren, but he couldn’t speak so he simply nodded his agreement.
The children’s baby pictures were next, everyone except Darren.
“Did you have a photo made of Darren?” Annie asked.
“It’s in my desk in the office. Kathryn had it done. She didn’t want him to be left out. Sarah was the one who put the photos in the album. I’ve never gotten around to it.”
“Leave the photo out and I’ll make sure it gets mounted next to Vivian’s. If you don’t mind, that is.”
“We should get a wedding photo. Something official, not just the snapshots people took that day.”
“If you’d like. Maybe it would be better to get a family picture including the children.”
Coren slid his hand into Annie’s “I want a picture with you. Just you. Not the children.”
Annie met his eyes. He could see the uncertainty behind them.
“I need your help with something else. I haven’t touched Sarah’s clothing since she died. She has things in our closet other people could use. Would you be willing to pack them so we can take them to the Salvation Army or something? I don’t think I can handle doing it yet.”
Annie squeezed his fingers. “I’d be glad to do it.”
&
nbsp; Later, as he prepared for bed, Coren opened Sarah’s side of the wardrobe for the first time in well over a year. Cobwebs stretched from the door to the clothes and dust covered everything. He ran his fingers over the clothing. Memories overwhelmed him, but for the first time, he didn’t feel the surge of anger and guilt that had always accompanied them. He didn’t try to stop the tears that streaked his cheeks. Letting go of these things made it feel more permanent.
Coren knew he would always have the memories. He remembered Ava’s memory book. Years ago, Sarah had given him a blank, leather-bound notebook. It sat on a shelf in the office. He slipped downstairs for the notebook and a pencil. Then he sat on the floor in front of the wardrobe and let the memories flow. Hours passed as Coren wrote the memories the clothing brought to mind. The words spilled from his fingers across the page.
When he finished, exhausted and stiff from sitting in the same position for so long, Coren felt like a burden had lifted. He looked at the clock on his bedside table. The children would be awake in a couple hours and he had appointments. He closed the book and the wardrobe, turned off the light, and climbed between the covers.
Chapter Twenty-six
“Please Miss Annie, can’t I play with Bobby? Papa said I can’t go over to his house and you won’t let him play here.”
Annie heaved a sigh. This wasn’t the first time they’d had this conversation.
The weather was warm enough that Annie was hanging laundry on the line instead of draping it around the kitchen like they’d done all winter. It fluttered in the breeze. Annie found the consistent rows of clothing comforting.
“Danny, you know your papa doesn’t want you playing with Bobby.”
“You could talk to him. Get him to change his mind. Papa listens to you.”
“I don’t know Bobby’s mother or anyone in his family. I wasn’t impressed with Bobby when I met him. He’s a bad influence on you.”
“How do you know that? You’ve only seen him once.”
“He tried to get you to come to his house even when he knew you didn’t have permission to leave the yard. If I’m going to talk to your papa about letting him play here, I’m going to need to meet his mother.”
Loving Annie Page 13
