Reece sighed. “It was the best she could do—”
“No,” I snapped. “The best she could have done is get the help she needed. Beat her addiction.”
He cupped my cheek gently. “She got you to someplace safe.”
“Safe?” I laughed at that. It was a harsh and ugly sound. “Funny you should say that.”
He arched an eyebrow.
“When she was walking away, she suddenly turned around. She ran back and grabbed Purple Bear from me. She ripped him. Tore him apart right in front of me.” I could still see all the tufts of cotton floating in the air.
“What the fuck?”
I continued bitterly, remembering how watching her destroy that bear felt like she was murdering a part of me. “She told me Purple Bear couldn’t keep me safe. Just like she couldn’t. That I should never expect that from anyone. That I needed to look after myself now and never count on anyone.”
He was silent for a moment, processing. “She was trying to help—”
“Yeah. I know she was trying to teach me a lesson in self-reliance. As screwed up as it was. But I was a child.”
Reece held me, his hand brushing my back in smooth sweeps. I let him. For a little while anyway, I let his hand and arms, his strong body, comfort me, knowing it would be the last time. He made small hushing sounds near my ear.
“I know you’ve been hurt,” he started, his voice low in my ear. “So have I. Maybe we can help heal each other.”
I broke away, peering at him in bewilderment.
He watched me, waiting as I studied him. As I observed a person every bit as damaged as I was. No one lost their mother at eight and lived with a man like his father and came out whole.
I turned and reached for my shirt and pulled it on over my head. Facing him again, I spoke evenly. “Ever since my mom left me I’ve had a plan. I know it sounds ridiculous to you, but Hunter was part of that.”
“That’s bullshit.” He stood. Indifferent to his nakedness, he grabbed his clothes and started getting dressed with hard movements. “You’ve built some kind of fairy tale around him. I guess the experience with your mother didn’t teach you shit.”
I flinched. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
He stopped and glared at me. “You don’t want Hunter. You’re still looking for your purple bear. Someone to give you a sense of security. You don’t get it. That doesn’t exist. As wrong as your mom was about a lot of crap, she was right about that. Bad shit happens, and there’s not always gonna be someone there to protect you from it.”
I shook my head. “So what? I’m supposed to just flip a switch and walk away from a good thing and embrace . . .”
My gaze raked him.
You.
I didn’t say it, but we both heard it. He understood. His gaze scoured me, blazed a path across my features, missing nothing. Seeing more of me than I had ever revealed to anyone. All my flaws.
He made a disgusted sound and moved for the door. Opening it, he stopped and stood there, staring across the room at me. “You can’t even see it. I’m the safest thing you’ll ever find.”
And then he was gone. I was all alone.
I was lying in the same spot on the bed when Emerson and Georgia found me. They took one look at my ravaged face and surrounded me on the bed like clucking hens. Between choked tears and hiccups I told them everything. Well, everything except my fucked-up history and why I couldn’t be with Reece.
“I don’t understand.” Georgia pushed the hair back off my shoulders and crossed her legs Indian style. “Why can’t you give him a chance?”
“You did sleep with him,” Em reminded me. As though I could forget that. “You must care about him.”
I looked between the two of them helplessly. I couldn’t bare myself to the bones twice in one day. I couldn’t take doing that all over again. “Just trust me. It wouldn’t work.”
“Okay.” Georgia held my hands between us, nodding gently. “Then we support you. Whatever you decide, we’re here for you.”
“Damn straight,” Em agreed. “You just tell us who to punch in the junk and we’re on it.”
I laughed, wiping at my runny nose. From Emerson’s relieved grin, that was clearly her goal. “No. Don’t hit anyone.”
My phone buzzed from across the room. I jumped up to grab it, my heart a stupid traitor in my chest, lifting with the insane hope that it was Reece.
Evidently it was going to take my heart some time to catch up with my brain. Why would I even want a text from him? Especially after I just broke up with him. Um. Not that we had been official or anything but it sure as hell felt like a breakup.
I scanned my phone. The message wasn’t from Reece.
Hunter: Miss u already. Dinner tomorrow?
Guilt pinched at my heart. While he was missing me I had been with Reece. I shook my head. Hunter and I hadn’t declared ourselves exclusive. And it had been just one time with Reece. And now it was over. Time to move on.
Dutifully, I typed a message back to him.
“Who is it?” Emerson asked as I set my phone back down and sank onto my swivel chair.
“Hunter. He wants to know if I want to grab dinner tomorrow night.”
“What did you tell him?”
“Yes.”
Emerson and Georgia exchanged glances. Clearly, they thought I was crazy, and I couldn’t disagree with them. Reece’s words played over and over in my mind. I’m the safest thing you’ll ever find. What did he mean by that? Trying to sort it all out made my head ache.
I felt unhinged. I finally had what I wanted. The guy I’d waited almost a decade for, and all I could do was think about someone else. Someone who was just as broken as me.
Chapter 25
Days slid into weeks. The weather grew colder and the first week of December saw our first snowfall. I lost myself in school, work, and Hunter. Meeting at the Java Hut most mornings became habit. True to his word, he was courting me. For the first time in my life I had a boyfriend.
Dinners out. A few movies. Study dates in the library. He was the perfect gentleman. Whenever the thought crossed my mind that he was maybe a little boring—or that we were—my mind drifted to Reece. I shouldn’t compare them, but I always found myself doing so. They were different. Reece was passion. Reece was risk. Reece and me? Well, that was never happening.
Besides. He wasn’t coming around anymore. He’d moved on just as I had. If I felt especially bitter and a little nauseated when I thought about him moving on, resuming his life, seeing other girls, I told myself it would pass. Eventually.
Em saw Reece at the bar—unnecessarily reminding me that he looked good. Well, to quote her: damn good. He had acknowledged her. Maybe they talked. I don’t know. I changed the subject. I was afraid to ask. Afraid to know what Em told him. As candid as she was, I was sure I wouldn’t like it.
My boots thudded over the sidewalk as I hurried toward the Hut. I was running a little late to meet Hunter. The pavement was swept clear of snow but a thin layer coated the shrubbery and lawn like fine powder.
I snuggled my chin deeper into my favorite cashmere scarf. It was a gift from Lila last Christmas, and more than I would ever have spent on myself. Turning the corner, I spotted Hunter waiting out front. He looked good in his dark overcoat with an ash-colored wool scarf draped effortlessly around him. He was one of those guys that looked good in a scarf. A pair of girls passing him on the sidewalk sent him a long glance. He didn’t even notice. His attention was fixed on me as I approached.
“Hey,” I greeted him, my breath fogging lightly in front of me.
“Hey there.” He leaned in and kissed my cheek.
“You didn’t have to wait out here. It’s freezing.”
He pulled open the door for me and I stepped into the cozy warm interior, immediately inhaling the aroma of espresso beans and fresh-baked pastries. Christmas music played softly and several festive wreaths and green garlands hung about the place.
Tugging off
my gloves, I got into line.
“Let me guess. The usual latte and scone?” he asked beside me.
“Am I that predictable?” Smiling, I narrowed my eyes on him in mock annoyance. “That’s not such a good thing, I think. We’ve only been dating a little while.”
“But we’ve known each other forever,” he reminded me.
“I suppose. But a girl likes to be a little bit of a mystery.”
His gaze scanned me. “Oh, you mystify me plenty, Pepper.” The way his eyes rested on my mouth killed the lighthearted moment. I knew what he was thinking. It wasn’t hard to read his mind when he looked at me like that.
Since returning from Thanksgiving—since Reece—the extent of our making out had been kissing. Nothing more. The other night at his place he’d slipped a hand under my sweater. My reaction? Darting off his couch and inventing some excuse to get home. It wasn’t hard to figure out the question on his mind. Why was I so frigid?
It just felt too soon. Too fast.
You took things fast with Reece. Shaking off the annoying little whisper, I looked straight ahead, willing the line to move. That’s when I noticed the girl moving away from the cashier and off to the side to wait at the bar for her drink. She was hard to miss.
With sleek blond hair that fell to her waist, she was stunning. She wore a black fitted leather jacket, leggings, and heeled boots that reached her knees. Emerson would die for her jacket. The boots, too. I was still admiring her when Reece joined her.
My Reece. No. Not mine.
OhGodOhGodOhGod.
Everything slowed and ground to a halt. Except the two of them. Reece and this beautiful girl. He’d obviously just paid for their drinks. They didn’t touch, but their body language was familiar as they stood comfortably side by side. She leaned toward him as she talked, touching his arm.
He stood in his usual casual manner, one hand slipped halfway inside the back pocket of his jeans as he listened to her, watching her like he used to watch me. Intent and focused. As if whatever she was saying was riveting.
“Pepper, the line moved.” Hunter took my elbow and guided me forward.
My chest ached. Air felt too thick to drag into my raw lungs. They wouldn’t be able to leave without seeing me. Closer up in line now, we were just a few feet away from them. Panicked, I jerked around.
I was freaking out, but I had never counted on seeing him again. Stupid, I guess, thinking that he limited his life to the bar. Of course he did other things. He ran every morning. Played soccer and coached a boys’ league. Fixed the Campbells’ sink and whatever else broke in their house. He was out there, coexisting in the same world with me. I should have anticipated this moment. Just because I quit going to Mulvaney’s didn’t mean I was never going to come face-to-face with him again.
“Pepper?” Hunter stared down at me in concern, his forehead creased. “Are you okay?”
I nodded, commanding myself to get a grip. “Yeah.” Feeling calmer, I inhaled and turned back around, hoping that Reece and the gorgeous girl had slipped out the door by now.
Reece stood directly in front of me. “Hi, Pepper. How are you?”
His voice sounded exactly as I remembered. Deep. Calm and even. His face revealed none of the intense emotions that had been there the last time I saw him. He looked relaxed. Politely interested.
“Hi. I’m good. How are you?” Was that croak my voice?
He nodded. “Good.”
Check yes for useless pleasantries.
He reached out and lightly brushed the arm of the girl beside him. “This is Tatiana.”
Oh my God. Her name was Tatiana? Only supermodels and Russian ice skaters were named Tatiana. Which one was she?
“Hi.” She smiled warmly. I detected no accent.
Reece’s gaze traveled to Hunter, reminding me that it was my turn. “You remember Hunter?”
“Yeah. Hey, man.” The two shook hands, and the moment was even stranger than the last time at Gino’s. Hunter, my now-boyfriend, shaking hands with the guy I’d kicked out of my dorm room minutes after taking my virginity. I just didn’t think a latte was going to cut it for me. I needed something stronger. Like hemlock.
Reece’s gaze drifted back to me. “Well, see you around. Take care.”
I nodded numbly. “Bye. Merry Christmas.”
He hesitated, his gaze unreadable as it locked with mine, lingering. “You, too, Pepper.”
And then he was gone. With a hand on Tatiana’s back, he guided her outside. I couldn’t resist sneaking a look behind me as they departed and passed along the front windows. They made a beautiful couple, and that only made me want to throw up.
When I turned, it was to find Hunter watching me, a thoughtful look on his face.
I flashed him a pained smile and stepped up to the cashier. I ordered my scone and latte. “See,” I said as we moved over to the bar. “You do know me well.”
“I want to.”
Something in his voice drew my attention. He looked at me searchingly, his brown eyes probing. Like he wanted me to say something. Or do something.
I placed a hand on his chest and leaned in to give him a peck on the lips. He surprised me by pulling me closer and kissing me more exuberantly than he ever had in public.
When he pulled back, he said, “I want to know you. If you’ll let me.”
A sudden lump formed in my throat, making it impossible to speak. My latte and scone appeared at the bar and I stepped forward to claim them, wondering if I could even make that promise with any honesty. Because something was becoming increasingly clear to me. No matter how much I tried to pretend otherwise. No matter how much I tried to deny it.
Reece had ruined me for anyone else.
Closing the door on Madison’s room, I moved on to Sheridan’s bedroom at the top of the stairs. The seven-year-old slept, too, her thumb plugged into her mouth. We’d had a full evening. Both girls were wiped out. We’d colored and played Candy Land and hide-and-seek. All before dining on pizza and Rice Krispie Treats in the shape of Christmas trees. Satisfied that both were settled, I headed downstairs. The Campbells’ new puppy had its paws up on the coffee table in an attempt to chew on the corner of my notebook. Smiling, I scooped up the little fur ball and cuddled it for a moment as I admired the twinkling Christmas tree. I toed one of the bright packages and addressed the puppy. “All these shiny boxes, and you go for my stuff? I can just hear myself telling my prof now: but the dog ate my homework.”
The sweet little beast slapped my nose with a too big paw and licked my face.
“Aw, don’t try to sweet-talk me. Mrs. Campbell says you have to go in your crate after the girls go to bed.” I walked through the old farmhouse, past the kitchen and down the short hall into the laundry room where they kept the crate. Once inside, the puppy immediately began to cry.
I wagged a finger at his face peering at me through the cage door. “Now stop that. You know the drill by now.”
I closed the laundry room door so I didn’t have to hear the little Lab’s whimpers and took my place on the couch. A week before break and I had a paper due. That’s why I took the babysitting job when Mrs. Campbell called. Hunter had wanted me to go out with him and some of his other premed friends, but this way I figured I could at least knock out my first draft.
It had nothing to do with the fact that I had decided I needed to break up with Hunter. At least that’s what I told myself.
I sighed heavily. I couldn’t take it anymore. I cared about him too much. He was so good. I just didn’t appreciate him like he deserved. I didn’t want him. Not like I wanted Reece.
I could admit that to myself now. I wanted Reece. Wrong or right, there it was. Not that it mattered. He’d moved on. Even if I hadn’t been terrible to him, even if the idea of going to him didn’t still fill me with all my old anxieties, there was Tatiana now.
No. I wasn’t breaking up with Hunter to run after Reece. Sadly, that ship had sailed. I was doing it because it wasn’t fair to stay w
ith Hunter feeling the way I did. Hunter wanted me. All of me. And I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t give him that. I couldn’t give him me. I had to end it. I was just waiting for the right time. The right words.
Pushing thoughts of Hunter and Reece aside, I forced myself to concentrate on my notes and write. An hour went by. I was halfway through my draft and making progress when I laid my head down on the couch to rest my aching eyes. Just for a minute. Maybe if I was lucky, Reece would be waiting for me in my dreams.
I woke to a faint popping sound.
Pushing up on the couch, it took me a moment to remember where I was. I coughed, covering my mouth as my waking brain struggled to grasp why the room was so gray. The lights of the Christmas tree sparkled through the opaque air.
Smoke.
My heart jumped to my throat. I vaulted to my feet and looked around wildly, trying to process what was happening.
I heard the pop again.
Fire.
The smoke billowed thickly from the kitchen. I hurried that way, peering within, thinking that I needed to hurry and put out whatever was burning.
That’s when I saw that the stove was engulfed in flames that were spreading to the cabinets. The heat reached me where I stood, singeing my face. I immediately forgot about trying to put out the fire myself. I didn’t even know if they had an extinguisher in the house.
The kids. They were my only thought as I rushed for the stairs, charging through the rising smoke. I coughed violently, remembering that in the event of a fire you should crawl on the floor where the smoke was least dense.
Except the girls were on the second floor. I had no choice. I was going up.
I scrambled up the stairs, gasping and coughing my way through the haze. The smoke alarm went off then, loud and shrill. I prayed it was actually wired to a system that alerted the authorities and not just a warning for the inhabitants of the house.
I ran into Madison’s room and grabbed the two-year-old. She resisted at first, groggy and confused from sleep. Holding her tight, I kept moving, talking so she could recognize my voice, “It’s me, Maddy. We’ve got to get out of the house.”
Foreplay: The Ivy Chronicles Page 22
