by E. L. Todd
“You’re stupid because it’s eight o’clock at night and you have no idea what the hell you’re doing.” He put the tire on the axel then secured it in place. Then he tightened the bolts along the rim. He moved quickly like he knew exactly what he was doing.
“There’s no harm in learning.”
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes like he wanted to scream. After the moment passed, he kept working. He finished within a minute then checked the stability of the tire. “You should have called me.”
“I thought I could do it.”
“Well, you think you can do everything,” he snapped. He grabbed the flat tire and threw it in the trunk.
“I can do everything as long as I try.”
He grabbed the jack and the tools and tossed them in the back too. “Shut up. I don’t want to hear you talk right now.”
“Well, I don’t want to look at you right now.”
“Good.” He got in my face and continued to yell. “The feeling is mutual.” He marched to his truck. “Now go home.”
I crossed my arms over my chest in defiance.
“You think I won’t make you?” He shot me a threatening look before he opened the door.
“I’d like to see you try.” I held my ground. “You need to get over yourself. You’re being a drama queen.”
He slammed the door without getting inside. “I’m being the drama queen?”
“You look like one.”
He came closer to me, his hands balling into fists. “You’re at a fucking park where criminals and thieves hang out. Your head is ducked down because you’re concentrating on a flat tire you have no idea how to fix.” Spit was flying out of his mouth because he was so angry. “If you want to learn how to change a flat tire, do it in your driveway on a Saturday morning, not out here in the cold without a goddamn jacket. Taking stupid risks doesn’t make you strong. Shit like this makes you reckless and stupid.” He turned around again and walked back to his car. “Now go home.”
***
I couldn’t sleep.
I lie in bed and felt cold even though three blankets were on the bed. It wasn’t the same without Hawke lying beside me. I tossed and turned but could never get comfortable.
Our argument kept playing in my mind.
He was too hotheaded and controlling sometimes. He meant well, but it irritated me. But I felt the doubt in my heart when I thought about my own actions. I really wasn’t thinking. It started off innocent. I thought I could change the tire in five minutes. When an hour and a half had passed, I didn’t realize where the time went.
Maybe it was my fault.
I refused to call him because I was too stubborn. But trying to sleep without him was torture. Without hearing his deep and even breaths, I was lost. It was music to my ears.
My phone lit up with a text message.
Get your ass out here.
It was three in the morning. He didn’t text me late at night like this anymore, usually because he was sleeping beside me. I guess he was just as upset as I was. Instead of making a smartass remark through a text message, I pulled on my clothes then walked outside.
He stood on the walkway wearing the same thing as earlier. The look of hatred still burned in his eyes. He watched me like he wanted to rip me apart limb from limb. “Good. You wore a jacket this time.”
“If you came here just to yell at me, you can go. I need to sleep.”
“Like you were sleeping at all.” He called my bluff.
I crossed my arms over my chest. The air was cold, and it was dry. It hurt my lungs to breathe.
He stepped closer to me but his hands remained by his sides. “You owe me an apology.”
“Excuse me?”
“How dare you risk your life over something so stupid. Remember the people who care about you. Stop being selfish and think about them for once.”
“You’re the one being selfish.”
“How so?” He got closer in my face. “Because I care about you? Because I need to make sure you’ll actually think for once? You aren’t invincible. You’re a tiny woman that can be pushed down at any time. You falsely think you have the ability to move mountains when you can’t even change a tire. Grow. Up.”
I pushed him in the chest. “I can take care of myself.”
He stumbled slightly, but it was clear he only moved because he was caught off guard. The anger smoldered in his eyes. “Obviously, you can’t.”
I pushed him again. “Just go. And this time don’t come back.”
This time his body didn’t move. “Maybe I won’t.”
“Good. I don’t need some asshole bossing me around.”
“And I don’t need some brat being a dumbass.”
“Go fuck yourself, Hawke.” I headed to the door, wanting to break it down because I was so mad. “I don’t want to see you anymore. Go back to your stupid whores—”
He spun me around and shoved me hard into the front door. His hand gripped my hair and yanked it back so I was forced to look at him. His strength made it impossible for me to move. I was stuck. He pressed his lips tightly together in a ferocious way. He tightened his grip on me. “This is how easy it is.” He pushed me hard into the door. “I could snap your neck right now if I wanted to.”
I tried to push him off.
He didn’t budge at all. “What are you going to do?”
I tried to push him again.
“You’ve got nothing.” He unbuttoned my jeans with one hand then pulled them down.
I tried to kick him off.
He yanked them off and practically ripped them before he dropped his own jeans. Then he hoisted me up and pressed my back into the door. His lips found mine, and once they touched, I was gone. The street was empty of cars and everyone was asleep in their homes, but we were still in public.
He moved my underwear over then quickly inserted himself inside me. Then he thrust hard into the door as he kept me pinned down. He gripped my hair and breathed into my mouth. “I love you, Muffin.”
My hands dug into his hair as I kissed him hard. “I love you too.”
“Don’t ever do that to me again.”
“I won’t. I promise.” When we were connected like this, there was no fight in me. I just wanted him, all of him, just like this.
***
Hawke and I never discussed the fight we had. Neither one of us had anything left to say, and it seemed to be resolved. I knew what I did wrong and so did he. But neither one of us actually apologized for it.
I was in a somber mood that day because of the date. Exactly ten years ago, my mother passed away. She had a long battle with cancer, but it eventually got to her. The chemotherapy made her weak and lifeless. On her final days, she was at her worst. I tried not to think about it because that wasn’t how I wanted to remember her. My mother was an amazing person. She was full of life and fun. I’d always wanted to be like her growing up. I still did.
I didn’t pay attention in class because it was too difficult. By the third class of the day, I gave up altogether and just went home. I couldn’t sit in a seat and pretend to care. I couldn’t take notes anyway, not when my mind was somewhere else.
I crawled into bed and tried to sleep. Being unconscious was the only comfort I had. It was easier not to think about my pain and just wait for the day to pass. Once tomorrow came, I would feel better.
I wasn’t sure how long I was asleep for. Someone shaking me brought me back to reality, somewhere I didn’t want to be. “Frankie?”
I opened my eyes and saw Marie’s face. “Huh…?” My voice came out raspy.
“Hawke is here to see you. He’s in the entryway.”
“Why?” I didn’t have plans with him. I hadn’t even spoken to him today.
“He didn’t say.” She rubbed my shoulder. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I didn’t want to talk about my mom’s death. It only made me suffer more.
“Okay. I’ll be in my room to give you some privacy.” S
he patted my shoulder before she walked out.
Not caring about how I looked, I pulled on anything I could find and walked down the hallway. Hawke stood in the kitchen with his hands in his pockets. He had a dark look in his eyes like his mind was somewhere else.
“Hey…” I gave him a quick kiss and stood back. “Everything okay?”
He didn’t answer my question. All he did was examine me, seeing all the lines of sadness on my face. He turned to the table and grabbed an arrangement of flowers. “I thought we could visit your mom.”
He knew? How? Did Axel tell him? “I…how did you know?”
“Your journal.” The sadness was still in his eyes. “I understand if you want to be alone but…I’d rather be alone with you.”
My eyes immediately watered. I hadn’t expected Hawke to do something like this, even if he did read the journal. “I…I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything at all.” His arms moved around my waist and he pulled me against his chest. “I’m here.”
I rested my face against his chest and closed my eyes.
Hawke held me silently and ran his hand up and down my back.
“Will you go see her with me?”
He kissed my forehead. “I’ll go with you everywhere, Muffin.”
***
I set the flowers on the grave then stood back and examined the tombstone. Her name and years of life were etched onto the stone. Axel and I were listed beneath, carrying her legacy.
Hawke stood behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. His chin rested on my head.
There were already two arrangements of flowers there. I knew one was from Yaya. And the other was from Axel. We usually mourned separately, knowing none of us could really handle how painful this day was.
My lips quivered and I felt the tears fall. “I miss you, Mommy.”
Hawke held me tighter and kissed my tears away.
I tried not to cry but it was inevitable. Even though so many years had passed, it still didn’t soften the blow. Not having her here was just as painful today as it was ten years ago. I tried to be strong and live on, but sometimes it was hard, especially today.
“I wish you could have met her.”
“I do too.” He wrapped one arm across my chest, keeping me close to him.
“She was the sweetest person in the world. Whenever I was sick, she always used to get me a milkshake.”
He kissed my neck.
“And she was always laughing…even at things no one understood.”
“If she was anything like Yaya, I’m sure she was amazing.”
“She was just like Yaya,” I whispered. “And even better.”
Hawke patiently waited as long as I needed. He stood with his arms locked around me so I wouldn’t fall. I’d never taken a man to see my mom before. I always went alone—except today.
I turned around and faced his chest. “I’m ready to go.”
He kissed my forehead. “Okay.”
***
I didn’t want to do anything except lay in bed, so that’s what we did. I lay naked beneath the sheets with Hawke beside me. I didn’t make a move for something more intimate and neither did he.
Hawke stared at me, constantly watching me to see if I was okay.
“I hate this time of year,” I whispered. “It brings back painful memories.”
He stared into my eyes.
“In two weeks, I’ll remember the way I walked into the house and found my father…blood all over the floor with the gun still hot in his hand.” Nothing I did would erase that painful memory.
Hawke’s hand grazed up my side. It was clear he wanted to make me feel better but he didn’t know how.
“Axel hates him. He never talks about him. And on the anniversary of his death, he never visits. He didn’t even go to the funeral…”
Hawke lay still and listened.
“I don’t blame him for feeling that way. Dad took the easy way out and abandoned us. He left us to our own devices, not caring about getting us through the loss of our mother. I was angry for a really long time. I even hated him…”
Hawke moved his hand across my skin, reminding me he was there.
“But I finally forgave him a few years ago. I knew how much he loved my mother. How could someone go on after losing the one person they loved above all others? How could he watch the life leave her eyes and not want to follow her? Now that I’ve been in love, I truly understand it.”
Hawke leaned in and kissed my neck softly.
“But Axel doesn’t. And I don’t think he ever will.”
“We all go at our own pace,” Hawke whispered.
“You know Axel as well as I do. When he’s made up his mind, he hardly ever changes it.”
“Axel is complicated,” he said. “He’s a lot more emotional than he lets on.”
That was a side to him I knew nothing about.
He pressed his lips against my shoulder. “Both of your parents would be proud of you.”
“I hope so…”
“I know they are,” he whispered. “You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. You inspire me to be a better man. You changed my life. I know in my heart you’re the only one who could have done that.” He pressed a gentle kiss to my lips. “You give me hope—and you do it for many others too.”
Crossroads
Hawke
I opened the door and saw Francesca on my doorstep. She was bundled up in a jacket and scarf. The beanie on her head just made her look more adorable, but somehow sexy at the same time. She was holding a plastic case in her hands, more than likely full of some baked treat. “Wow…a gorgeous woman and a box of food. Is this a porno?”
She chuckled then walked inside. “Shouldn’t I be wearing lingerie for that?”
“You look hot in anything.” I pulled her hard against my chest and gave her a kiss. “Most girls can’t pull that off.”
When she pulled away, she had a permanent grin on her face. “I made brownies with M&M’s.”
“I thought you liked my body.”
Her eyebrows scrunched together. “What?”
“You’re trying to make me fat.” I peered through the lid and saw the chocolate brownies inside.
“Like you could ever get fat.” She moved her hand across my abs of steel.
“Well, I’ve been doing a lot more running since I met you.”
“But now you’re always exercising in other ways…” She walked into the kitchen and set the box on the counter.
My sexual exercise was exactly the same as it was before. But now it was better and with just one person. But I wasn’t going to correct her. “Thanks for making them. I’ll eat one later.”
“It’s nice having someone to bake for. Otherwise, I have to do it for myself…and that makes me feel like a loser.”
“I think it’s hot. Again, another porno scene.”
She raised an eyebrow but a smile was on her lips. “Someone watches too much porn.”
I did it occasionally before she came into the picture. “Not for the past four months.”
“Really?” She challenged me with her look.
“Really.” Why would I when I had her?
She looked away like she was disappointed.
“What’s that look for?”
“Nothing.”
I came behind her and pushed her against the counter. “Tell me.”
“I don’t want to.”
I forced her to turn around. “You can tell me anything. You know that.”
She looked down. “It’s embarrassing…”
“Hey.” My voice brought her back to me. “Look at me.”
She sighed, and then miraculously did as I asked.
“Come on.”
“I’ve always wondered what you jerked off to.”
Was she being serious? “Why?”
“Because that’s what I would think about when I used my vibrator.”
The hair on the back of my
neck immediately stood on edge. My heart hammered in my chest. “Really?” The idea of her touching herself and thinking about me was the biggest turn on ever.
“Really.” She held my gaze with confidence.
“That’s sexy.”
“It is?”
“Yeah. What did you think about before?”
She shrugged. “I watch porn too.”
“Where have you been all my life?”
She chuckled. “Waiting for you.”
I pulled her closer to me. “I never pictured myself with one woman, but if I did, she would have been you.”
“I already knew what my husband looked like before I met you.”
“Yeah?”
“Well, he didn’t have a face.” She pressed a kiss over my heart. “But now he does.”
***
We lay in bed even though it was early in the evening. All that talk of jerking off and vibrators got me hot, and I took her at the edge of the bed with her ass in my face.
Fuck, it was nice.
Now I lay in bed alongside her, feeling her heartbeat under my fingertips. The moments we spent wrapped up together like this were the moments I craved. They stilled my pain and healed my wounds. We could say nothing at all, but we still said so much in our silence.
The bond between us had only grown stronger since our eyes met. Even our horrendous fight hadn’t quenched the fire between us. No matter how upset we got, whatever was between was untouched. I realized I was losing more of myself as I gave everything to her.
But I didn’t mind.
We were molding into a single person, one entity. I couldn’t describe it in a way that didn’t make me sound crazy. Only she would understand what I was trying to express.
She crawled on top of my chest and released a quiet sigh. I’d become accustomed to all the little noises she made. Without speaking, I knew what she wanted and what she was thinking. She trailed kisses all the way down my chest and to my happy trail. Then she pressed light kisses around my sensitive area. He came to life like a lit match.
She crawled back up my chest then inserted him inside her. It always took her body a second to accommodate me. I was simply too big, and she was just too small. But with the right amount of touching, we made it work.
Like always, she gasped when she felt me entirely inside her. Her head rolled back and her fingers dug into my sides.
