He was seriously considering throwing himself off a cliff somewhere when she finally said, “You should have told me sooner. I deserved to know what I was guilty of.”
This is bad, he thought as he struggled for the words to control the damage that his actions had wrought. “Baby, I’m so sorry. I was confused over the whole thing for so long. Then I began falling in love with you, which was a huge mind-fuck.” Oh hell, why did I say that? I might as well go ahead and insult her one last time and end it before I say something else worse.
She wanted to blast him; he could see it in her tense expression. He had to give her credit for keeping it together. She turned sideways on the sofa, loosening the hold that he had on her. “I’m honestly not sure what to do here. On the other hand, it means so much to me that you shared your story. Trust me when I say that I know it wasn’t easy. I’m also aware of how past traumas can color your perception of others. Am I upset that I remind you of the woman who broke your heart? Absolutely. Crushed is probably more accurate. It also frightens me that you’ll continue to struggle with that very thing.” When he opened his mouth to protest, she gave him a look that had him closing it once more. “I know you think that you’re over it now. And maybe this was the first step. But I believe that we also need to give ourselves some time to make certain that we can move forward without this cloud hanging over us. I tried my best not to let you see it, but you put me through absolute hell with your insults. You had no way of knowing it at the time, but I was bullied by some kids in high school and it did a real number on me. You brought all of that back and I was once again living the nightmare that it took me ages to get past the first time.”
“Dear God,” Ash choked out as he dropped his head forward. He’d felt like a big enough dick before, but now he was devastated that he’d hurt this beautiful woman whom he’d come to love so much. No one deserved what he’d put her through. He’d been the worst kind of bully, and it made him physically ill to imagine what she must have felt day after day as he chipped away at her insecurities with his cruel taunts. “I have no justification for the things I said to you,” he admitted. “I can blame it on Fiona and what she did to me, but I’m a big boy. In the end, I’m responsible for my own actions. The fact that I’d never dealt with what happened is no excuse. I should have talked to someone a long time ago. But, instead, I remained in denial, pretending it didn’t matter and that I’d moved on. Then I met you and still couldn’t accept that I had a problem. Hell, Dylan was on my ass constantly about it. I’m surprised Zoe is even speaking to me at this point. Everyone could see that I had a problem but me. Even Lisa, Dylan’s assistant, attempted to have a conversation with me, but I blew her off. If I had listened to any of them, I’d have been forced to pull my head out of my ass, and I wasn’t ready for that. It made me sick when I said those things to you, but then I’d go and do it again. I had no control where you were concerned. It took you coming to my rescue with Brittany that night for me to admit that I’d been so wrong about you.”
“I wanted to hate you,” she confessed. “I even told Zoe that I did. But I was also attracted to you, which I hoped you’d never find out about because I was convinced you’d use it against me. That day I brought lunch to your office, I was determined to wage a war against you. I’d had it with the verbal battles because you always won those. So I wanted to throw you off by being nice and it worked. You were visibly rattled. I left there feeling the best I had in months. I’d planned to continue doing something along those lines every day until you cracked. But I ran into you and Brittany at the bar that night and you were so embarrassed at what she was doing. My first inclination was to break out my cell phone and record the whole spectacle like everyone else was doing. I figured I could leak it and have some much-needed revenge. Then it hit me that I would have become the bully that I’d always despised. So I opted for the high road instead and saved you. Then we made the agreement for me to be your pretend girlfriend, and as we started spending time together, I was finally seeing the charming Asher Jackson that you showed to other women. I’d begun to think that man was a myth until that point. I fought against falling in love with you, but you barreled through my defenses and managed to do something that no other man ever had before. Even with the disaster we both made of dinner, this was still the happiest night of my life. I know that you truly love me; it’s there in your eyes. But I also see the fear that you’re trying to hide. Like me, there’s the tiniest bit of uncertainty as to whether you can look at me and only see Dana Anders. Or whether your ex will rear her head from time to time to bring back a past that has haunted you for five years.”
“What’re you saying?” he asked, not sure he wanted to hear the answer. He couldn’t lose her; that wasn’t an option. He’d do whatever necessary to prove himself to her.
“Simply that we don’t need to rush into any decisions. I’m incapable of rational thought when I’m with you due to my feelings, and you probably are as well. What we need right now is some space. Let’s take a few weeks to ourselves and think everything through. Maybe you could talk to one of your brothers and gain some perspective as well. I’d also like to confide in Zoe if that’s okay with you?”
“Of course,” he muttered numbly. This night had completely derailed. Instead of making love as he’d expected, he may have very well lost her. He wanted to plead his case further, but he could tell by the expression on her face that he needed to stop. Pushing her would get him nowhere. He’d spent a year being the bully she’d accused him of. Now was the time for patience and understanding even if it killed him. So with that in mind, he reluctantly got to his feet and extended a hand to her. “Let me take you home. I’ll do whatever you want. Please just know that I love you more than anything in the world and I’m so very sorry for what I put you through. If I could take it all back, I would. But I can only promise that if you give me the chance, I’ll never give you another reason to doubt my love for you. I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you in every way that I can.”
She gave him a sad smile that nearly ripped his heart from his chest before linking her fingers through his. That small gesture gave him hope that all wasn’t lost. They might not have the answers yet, but if love could build bridges, then surely it could bring her back into his arms for their forever to begin. Until then, he’d never stop trying to show her that when he looked at her, he saw only Dana and not the ghost of the woman who might have cost him everything.
Eighteen
Ash looked questioningly over at Dylan the moment they walked through their mother’s door. She’d summoned them both earlier, but had given no indication of the reason behind their visit. It was unusual for her to demand to see them. Ash really didn’t feel like being there, but curiosity alone had made the decision for him.
Dylan had already left the office when their mother had called, so Ash had driven himself. Truthfully, that suited him fine since he wasn’t in the mood for conversation. He hadn’t heard from Dana at all and he’d respected her wishes for time to figure things out. He remembered Dylan going through a similar torture before he and Zoe had worked things out. At the time Ash had encouraged his brother to go to the coffee shop and force Zoe to talk to him. But now that he was in the same position, he found that he was hesitant to take his own advice. What if she told him outright that it was over? In a strange way, there was some comfort in her silence. At least he still had hope that everything would be okay. “Any idea why we’re here?” he asked his brother.
Dylan shook his head. “Your guess is as good as mine. At least Rhett got out of coming since he flew out this morning. I think I’ll kick his ass the next time I see him.”
“I swear, he’s so lucky,” Ash grumbled. “Naturally our mother would decide to stay in Pensacola even though I’ve suggested a dozen times that she visit Seth in South Carolina.”
“We owe the thanks to Bart and Claudia,” Dylan pointed out. “Apparently Claudia and he
r buddies wanted to attend school near here for their last year. Probably because it’s some kind of college where wet T-shirt contests are considered fashion merchandising.”
Before Ash could knock, his mother was standing there waiting in the open doorway. She must have been watching for them to arrive. Then he did a double take. Was she wearing jeans? He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen her dressed so casually. “Boys—finally.” She smiled in greeting.
“Boys”? What in the hell is going on? he wondered as she pulled each of them into a hug. For her, this was downright affectionate. Maybe she had her own stash of medical marijuana. If Charlotte was willing to share, Ash wanted first dibs. He decided to test the waters by saying something that would normally annoy her. “Hey, Mommy, what’s up?” Dylan laughed, then turned the sound into a cough.
She didn’t even flinch at his words. Yep, she’s either drunk or stoned. It was bound to happen eventually, living with Bart and Claudia. “Can’t I spend some time with my handsome sons without a reason?”
“You could,” Ash agreed, “but you normally wouldn’t. So let’s get down to the numbers and the details. How much does Bart want this time and what’s the brilliant business idea?”
Dylan sighed in resignation. “I hope it’s better than the last few schemes. Does he realize that he’d need to leave the golf course and actually work in order to turn a profit? Most things don’t run themselves.”
Their mother waved them into the living room. Ash flopped down on the sofa and promptly put his feet on the coffee table. He knew it was childish, but getting a rise out of her would make this ass-chapping a little more bearable. But again, she didn’t take the bait. She simply took a seat beside of him, then dropped a bomb. “I’ve asked Bart and Claudia to leave. They moved out this morning. Granted, it wasn’t pretty, but your uncle Judd was a big help. I believe I would have been forced to call the police without him. Those two can be so difficult.”
“Wait—what?” Dylan sputtered. “You finally kicked them to the curb? Really? And why in the hell didn’t you call me to witness that? I don’t suppose you taped it. Was there crying?”
Their mother rolled her eyes. “You know how Claudia is. Do you really think she shed actual tears?”
“I was talking about Bart.” Dylan smirked. “I’m surprised his little princess didn’t throw a punch at you.”
“Did you say ‘Judd’?” Ash asked in confusion. “As in Uncle Judson?”
His mother began fidgeting and he could have sworn she was blushing. “Yes, that’s right. He and I have remained friends over the years and he offered his assistance when I told him what I planned to do.” Ash wasn’t aware that she’d even stayed in touch with their dad’s brother, but she must have if he was there. He certainly hadn’t mentioned a visit to Florida when they’d had their weekly conference call just days earlier. Judson and his daughter ran the Oceanix Resort in Bermuda, so they were in communication on a regular basis. Despite that, his uncle never mentioned their mother, so this was a bit of a surprise.
When Dylan began humming the theme from The Twilight Zone, Ash struggled to keep from laughing. He decided not to comment on Judson’s visit right then. Instead, he asked, “So what brought this on? I thought you were happy with the arrangement you had with Bart. That’s what you led us to believe at dinner that night.”
Ash was shocked when she laid her head back on the sofa and said softly, “I’m tired of living this way. I did feel that I owed him for his support through the years, but I’m getting older and I’d like to be happy for once in my life. In the long run, I think it will be the best thing for Bart as well. We’ve never been in love, not even close to that. We filled a mutual need for companionship for a time, but life feels different now. I want to begin a new chapter and I’m hoping I’ll have your support.”
Here comes the money request. Ash had been waiting for it, so it wasn’t unexpected. Truthfully he’d rather give his mother financial assistance than continue throwing money at Bart and his daughter. “How much do you need?” he asked, only half listening at that point.
She gave him a blank look, before realization dawned. “Asher, your father left a trust that provides me with a monthly income.” Her mouth tightened as she added, “But Bart will probably go after alimony, so he’ll get a chunk of it. That’s why I’ve decided to get a job to cover my own expenses.”
“You’re going to work?” Dylan exclaimed loudly. “Er—I mean, really? Wouldn’t this be a first for you?”
“There was that library gig where she met Dad,” Ash supplied helpfully.
“It’s true that I’ve been out of the workforce for many years,” she agreed. “And normally that might make things difficult, but Judd has agreed to show me the ropes. He and I have always got along well, so I see no reason why there would be a problem.”
“Except that Judson lives in Bermuda, right?” Dylan asked. “What exactly would you be doing?”
“I’ll be his assistant,” she replied primly. “His current assistant is leaving in a few months on maternity leave and doesn’t plan to come back. So I’ll have time to train with her. We’ve already spoken on the phone and she’s a perfectly lovely young woman.”
“I need a drink,” Ash muttered. “Maybe the entire bottle. First of all, congratulations on finally making the break with Bart and his evil spawn. That was a long time coming for sure. We’ll have our lawyers hammer out a financial agreement so that he doesn’t take you to the cleaners. I’d also recommend some kind of restraining order so that Claudia doesn’t mug you in a parking lot somewhere. As for this whatever the hell it is with our uncle, I’m not sure what to say to that. I had no idea you were bosom buddies, so this will take some getting used to. I’m not sure it’s the best idea, but leaving Pensacola until the dust settles might be your smartest bet at the moment.”
Dylan cleared his throat as he shifted around in his chair. “I’m just going to go ahead and ask, is there something going on with you and Judson? You blushed like a schoolgirl when his name came up.”
Ash had his answer when she artfully evaded his brother’s question. “Judd and I aren’t related. If there was anything romantic there, it would be socially acceptable.”
“Um, yeah.” Ash rolled his eyes. “I’ve never much cared about what society thought. I’m speaking more of the family dynamic here. We all work together and have always been close to him. It’s rather strange that he wouldn’t have mentioned this to us. Heck, your name never entered any of our conversations. I wasn’t sure he knew you were still alive, much less anything else.”
“Due to my situation as a married woman, I felt that it was best that our association be kept confidential and he reluctantly agreed. He wasn’t happy about it though because you boys are like sons to him.”
Dylan grimaced. “Now might not be the best time for that analogy. So I assume that none of our brothers have heard this bit of news?”
“No, you two are the first people I’ve told,” she agreed. “I’ll call the rest of them tomorrow. I’ll be moving in a few weeks, so it’s going to be hectic for a while. Judd is having my things shipped and the house will need to be put on the market. I had thought to let Bart remain here, but it’s absurd for him to have such an expensive place. It’s time that all of us learned to live within our means.”
Who is this woman and where did our mother go? This was the most rational conversation they’d ever had with her. Well, except for the mention of the secret affair that she may have been carrying on with Uncle Judson. Strangely enough, Ash felt the urge to give her a fist bump over that. It was rather comforting to discover that she hadn’t been happy all these years with Bart.
Ash and Dylan stayed for a while longer as they went over the details of what was to come. When they were leaving, Ash took a deep breath and put a hand on Dylan’s arm. “Do you have time to grab a beer? I’d like to talk to you abou
t something, and if I don’t do it now, I probably never will.” Dylan looked wary, but immediately agreed. Telling yet another person about Fiona was the last thing in the world he wanted to do, but to win Dana back, he needed to continue the process of healing and moving on from that painful period in his past.
He only hoped Dana would be there in the end to see that he’d taken her advice and was ready to make a life with her, free from the past.
“Dylan’s going to get a drink with Ash before he comes home. They probably both need it after answering that summons from Charlotte. I can’t wait to hear what it was all about.” Zoe shook her head ruefully. “Do you want to go have dinner somewhere? I’m starving.”
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