by Laine Watson
As time went on, I tried to focus on taking notes but mostly I found myself scribbling different kinds of moons on my paper next to half written sentences. I stared down at my lined paper. Visions of Carson’s smile, some of the weird things he’d done, and his perfectly messy hair ran through my mind. Not one instance did I think about sex. That was strange because I was so tingly at that moment. I sighed, reality forcing itself back into the picture.
I really hope I don’t know that guy. He could have told Carson anything. He—
“Hey,” the girl in front of me whispered, turning to face me.
What does she want? I’ve seen her quite a few times, even had other classes with her, and she’s never spoken to me. She chooses today to start? I tilted my head to the right, annoyed.
I glared up at her without uttering a word.
“You know Carson?” She smiled, arrogantly.
Shit! She knows him?
I gulped and lifted my eyebrows, trying to put off responding until I found a lie I could tell. But my mind was blank.
“Kind of,” I said, quietly and defensive, placing my eyes back on the desk and fiddling with the tassels on my sweatshirt.
“Are you guys going out?” She frowned, as if it would inconvenience her if we were.
“No, I—”
“Have you fucked him yet? You know that’s your MO,” she said with a straight face, staring directly into my eyes.
And there it goes. Knew it. No one ever has anything to say to me or about me unless it's something like that.
I wanted to cry, but there was no way in hell I was letting that judgmental bitch have the pleasure of seeing me do that.
I sat up, straightened my back, and forgot all about any fears I had.
“No,” I said, throwing my arms on the desk over my notebook and textbook. My lips curled into a deviant, sassy smile. “But I sucked his huge cock,” I said, with a hint of dirty flirtation. “It was delicious, like candy. He couldn’t even last a whole ten minutes. And don’t think I let one drop of his creamy stuff fall out of my mouth.” I giggled, devilishly, swaying back and forth as I flipped my hair behind my shoulder.
“You’re disgusting. And you’re probably lying. Carson isn’t like that. He’d never let a slut like you even put your lips on him. I thought after the Blake’s party you would have stopped being such a fucking cunt, but I see you’re still up to the same shit.”
Blake’s party?
“Fuck you. I do what I want. I’ll suck your man’s dick, better than you,” I challenged her.
She scoffed. That look of disgust on her face pierced my heart, but I’d never let it show.
“I’m sure you would. You’re a pro-hoe, but my man wouldn’t even look at someone like you. You skanky slutbag. Carson probably doesn’t even know the kind of nasty bitch you are. I’ll be the first to tell him, how you slept with Ollie, and all his friends at Blake’s party.”
Fuck? Who is Ollie? Who is Blake? What party?
“I don’t give a shit. Tell whoever you want. I’ll fuck you, meet me in the bathroom, bitch,” I said, seductively, hoping I made her uncomfortable.
“Never.” She rolled her eyes to the ceiling, revulsion and rancor covering her face. “Ollie probably already told him anyway. They were just talking in the hall right before class.”
Fuck. So I slept with him. Did he tell Carson? I don’t even remember him. SHIT!
I gulped, my hands shaking on the desk.
I took a deep breath with pursed lips.
She smiled, acidly. “Everyone knows you’re a slut. Even if Ollie didn’t tell him, he’s going to find out eventually, if he doesn’t already know.”
“I don’t care. I am who I am. He’s just another dick. You think I give a shit what you or any guy says about me? Don’t slut shame me because your pussy isn’t as good as mine.”
“Ugh, I can’t even talk to you, you’re so sickening. You’re like a real-life low-class porn star. I hope your entire vagina falls off,” she said and turned around.
Even though I had won, her words still hurt. But I sat there smiling like the heartless bitch I wanted her to think I was all the while my heart raced.
“Yep and if you don’t shut up, I’m going to lick your pussy until you orgasm all over yourself.”
“Cringy.” She scoffed and didn’t turn around again.
I was used to hearing things like that—worse things but I couldn’t focus on that.
What if Ollie did tell Carson? I am a slut. I don’t remember him or a party. Is Carson going to... I closed my eyes, a pinching sensation all over my heart. I pursed my lips.
My eyes threatened to water.
She’s right, I said, my heart pinching. If Carson knew the kinds of things I’ve done he’d be disgusted too. Staring down at the crescent moons and full moons I doodled on my notebook, my chest clinches. I have to get our relationship back on track. Carson is one of my regulars. I stared blankly ahead. That’s all. There’s no way me and a guy like Carson would ever be together. I’m not interested in actually being with anyone anyway.
I took a few deep breaths.
“That’s it for today, class. I’ll see you on Friday,” the professor announced.
I was relieved when the professor dismissed class. The fact that I hadn’t taken notes or even remembered what my professor’s lecture was about was not at the forefront of my thoughts. I gathered my notebook and textbook and put it in my backpack and tossed it over my shoulders.
Should I go to a party tonight? Maybe I should stay home. I haven’t masturbated in a while. I haven’t talked to Sawyer or Owen. Maybe I’ll—
I had bumped into someone.
“Oh, sorry,” I said, glancing up to see a somewhat familiar face, but I couldn’t remember his name.
Oh shit. Is that the guy Carson was talking to?
He kept his eyes from me. The baggy clothes over his average build was just as typical and uninteresting as his presence. He seemed like he could have been handsome though he was a bit scrawny. I couldn’t get a good look at him, not that I wanted to. I wanted to apologize and keep walking.
A smile smeared across his face.
I slept with this guy? Why? He’s a creep. I chuckled in my mind.
“Hey, McKinzi,” he said in a playfully, dark manner.
“H—hey,” I said as I observed that mocking tone of his. A shrieking pain flashed down my spine. “What’s up?” I scratched behind my ear, clearing my throat and glancing nervously around the hall as people passed.
“Why are you acting so shy?” He raised his eyebrow, and then he arched his neck. “Heh.” That sardonically demeaning bit of laughter crippled me, “You don’t remember me? Seriously? The summer? Blake’s party?”
Who is Blake?
“You just don’t give a shit, do you?” He laughed at me, he shook his head, “I liked you, despite what everyone said. The guys were right.” An impish smile smeared across his face. I glanced up but was unable to see his eyes, his hair had created a shadow effect that made his words and his appearance even more suspicious. “You couldn’t even bother yourself with calling. Fucking slut,” he growled. “And now you can’t even remember me?”
I pursed my lips and got closer to him, whispering through my teeth.
“Look, I don’t need your guilt trip. Or your stalker vibes. Get lost.”
“Stalker? The way you threw yourself at me? Yeah right.”
“Fuck you.”
“You did, bitch. Blake and Cory, too.”
“Then why the fuck are you so bent out of shape about me not calling you?” I stepped back.
He swallowed hard and said nothing for a few moments.
Dammit. Why would I ever go to a party or anywhere else with this creep?
“I fucking hate guys who think they can say shit about what I do. Get a fucking clue. I own my pussy and I can do what I want with it,” I said looking around, hoping Carson was nowhere to be found. I didn’t want him hearing me spea
king like that.
This is exactly why I just need a few friends. I’m so done with sleeping around with random assholes. I just need to find guys who like girls like me and won’t put me in a box.
“Never mind. I don’t know why I liked you. Pretty bitches get on my fucking nerves. You think you get a pass and get to treat people like shit because you’re hot?”
“Uh... I don’t give a shit about your insecurities. We fucked? Okay. You probably didn’t even have the fucking balls to ask me out, you dipshit. Kiss my ass.” I rolled my eyes and walked away.”
This asshole followed me.
“You smug bitch!” he barked.
I should have ignored him and kept walking away, but I didn’t.
“Why the fuck are you following me?” I laughed, arrogantly. “You said whatever you needed to say. Your need for validation is not my problem. It doesn’t matter how many times you call me a bitch or a slut. It’s not going to change that you’re a fucking creepy douche. Don’t slut-shame me! I don’t remember you because you’re irrelevant. Your dick is irrelevant. Now get out of my face.”
For a split second I almost felt sorry for him, as he lowered his head, and his stance became less threatening. I was about to apologize. But his mockingly disrespectful scoff changed my mind, “We should have run a train on you if you were going to fuck us all that night anyway. I should have left you right where you were. You were so fucked up.”
“Fuck you.”
“You already said that. Is that your only comeback? Or are you propositioning me?”
My nose flared out and I pursed my lips, tightly.
“I wouldn’t fuck you again if—”
“Hey, Kin... what’s up?” Carson said in an awkwardly, confident tone, glaring at the creepy, asshole guy.
“I see. I know your type,” asshole guy, mumbled.
My eyes widened and my lips parted. Kin? I thought as he stepped in between us.
I couldn’t take my eyes off of Carson. My body ran numb with terror.
Please, God, no. Just shut up, idiot. Please don’t tell Carson I slept with you and your friends all in one night and I can’t even remember.
“Oh, are you fucking her now?” asshole guy glared at me. “Good luck, she—”
“I think you should leave, Ollie,” Carson said in a threatening monotone voice.
Ollie? Oh yeah. I said remembering the girl from class calling him that.
I glanced down the hall and then back at Carson who was glaring straight at Ollie. Carson didn’t even blink. He just burrowed his eyes into him like he was waiting for him to do something, anything so he could take him out. I gulped, I had never seen Carson’s essence be so powerful and protecting, sexy and masculine.
Ollie frowned. Maybe he thought no one would notice, but I saw the insecurity in his stance, I saw his Adam’s apple almost choke him. Still he turned his nose up at me.
“Whatever,” he scoffed, but he left without saying another word to me.
I closed my eyes, the tension in my body slipping out, slowly.
Carson turned to me, the emotionless, vicious stare he had, kept me speechless. As our eyes locked, I tried to think of something to say but I couldn’t.
Slowly that frighteningly, deadly stare changed to the boyish innocence that I knew him to have.
“That guy wasn’t bothering you too much, was he?” He smiled so hard, his eyes closed.
“Carson?” was all I could say.
“Come on, let’s go,” he said, reaching for my hand. Instinctively, I pulled it away and stepped back, still a little bit in shock.
I can’t sleep with any more random guys. That was scary. Hopefully Carson scared him off and he won’t try to tell him anything about me.
All I could do was bat my lashes, my eyes burning with the threat of falling tears. I leaned against the lockers, staring down the hall. Carson came closer to me.
“You okay?” he asked.
I wanted to kiss him. I wanted him to hold me. But those were such naïve desires.
“You were talking to that guy earlier today,” I mentioned.
“Yeah?”
“Are you guys friends?”
“Not really. I just know him. He’s in one of my classes.”
“Oh, what were you guys talking about?”
“Why don’t we go grab something to eat?” he suggested, avoiding the question.
“Oh...”
“You know, like a date.”
“A date?”
“Yeah, why not?”
The halls had emptied, and the chatter of passers-by had faded. The quietness, the faint voices that spread through the hall from somewhere else, our quiet breaths, all of it seemed to be so loud now.
I smirked.
Carson and I walked to the food court quietly. He folded his hands behind his head and his boyish smile seemed accomplished.
Carson had taken away every fear I had with that smile. He paid for our pizza and we sat down in the back of the food court at the tables with the red surface by the windows. I placed my backpack beside me at my feet.
Carson took a bite of his pizza before I could even touch mine. I was too busy staring at him, and I couldn’t hold my questions in any longer.
“So did that guy Ollie tell you anything about me?” I asked.
“No.” Carson glanced at me. “How do you guys know each other?”
I laughed nervously. “Oh, you know... parties.” I gulped.
“Why would he say something about you?”
“I don’t know, it seemed like he looked at me and then said something to you. I was just wondering if it was about me. That’s all.”
“Paranoid?” he chuckled.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Don’t worry, no one’s talking about you. At least not to me. What would they say?”
“I don’t know. I...” my words were lost.
“It’s okay.” He paused, finishing chewing as he wiped his hand with a napkin and put in back on the table.
“Wanna go out?” he asked, point blank.
My mouth dropped and my eyes widened. I was speechless.
“No?” he said, a sad, sweet smile on his face. “I get it.” His eyes moved from mine down my body and his smile lost its sadness, “Okay. I’ll walk you home when we’re done here. Do you want to hang out?”
“I... I have to—I have...” I stammered.
He sighed. “It’s fine. I’ve got some plans with a friend later, so it works out.”
I batted my lashes, in frustration, finally able to speak. “If you had plans, then why would you suggest us going out?” I asked letting all my frustration out.
“I would’ve ditched’em.” His crooked smile was still a bid heartbreaking, but also playfully innocent. “But I guess I won’t.”
For whatever reason, that made me smile. If he was willing to ignore his bold questions, so was I.
He ate the rest of his pizza and I ate the toppings off of mine. He got up and threw our trash away.
“Ready?”
I nodded and grabbed my backpack as I rose to my feet.
We headed out of the food court toward my apartment.
I stared at Carson as he walked beside me, his smile so bright.
I gazed hopelessly down at the sidewalk.
I have to distance myself from him, or I know I’ll get caught up in a dream I can never have.
Chapter 9: My Kitty Cat
Carson and I started spending more and more time together and I had forgotten all about that little run in with whatever his name was. Despite my declaration to distance myself from him emotionally, it didn’t seem like I could. Our relationship was different than the ones I had with Owen and Sawyer.
During midterms he was expertly, annoyingly adorable. We hadn’t quite gone all the way, mostly because after he’d go down on me, I, almost every time, was so spent and satisfied, I’d fall asleep unintentionally. My intention was to get that big dick inside of me, but it just
hadn’t happened yet.
I was studying for one of my midterms in my bedroom when I got a call. I glanced down at my phone.
It’s Carson. He’s been texting me all day. Doesn’t he have midterms too? I said, dropping my pen on my notebook full of child development notes and answered.
“Hello, Carson,” I said, rolling my eyes as I tilted my head to the left in playful frustration.
“Why didn’t you text me back? Did you see how funny that last video was? Classic.” He laughed.
I couldn’t help but smile, that shy, breathy, nervously sweet voice of his just got to me. Getting to know him was actually fun, though I’d never let him know that. His sweet, boy like nature was absolutely adorable.
“I’m studying for my midterm on Friday. I didn’t see the video.”
“You have to watch it. It’s a guy dressed in a black cat suit. He’s a kitty and he’s Bollywood dancing.” He laughed so heartily, it made me want to check the video out, since he was just going to be annoyingly cute anyway.
“Okay fine. I’ll check it out,” I said, hoping he couldn’t tell how much I smiled, especially since my tone was more annoyed than happy.
“Just kidding. It’s me in a leather cat suit.”
I paused. “Why do you have on a leather cat suit?”
And I bet his bulge is ridiculous—okay now I want to see this fucking video.
“Me and my friends were looking for costumes. There’s a Halloween party tonight. Want to go with me?”
“Maybe, but ... a cat? Don’t you think that’s a little feminine for a guy with such a big dick?”
“I was fe-line a little—” his voice, playfully mischievous.
“Shut the fuck up. Don’t do that dorky shit!”
He laughed sexily, “No, the way I’m wearing it, it’s way manly.”
“Okay then, I want to see. I’ll check out the video,” I said, moments from removing the phone from my ear.
“I’m ... kind of still in it. So ... can I come over?”
I couldn’t help but giggle. “You’re so annoying. Sure.”
“Awesome! That means you’ll go to the party? You have a costume?”
“We’ll see how sexy you are, then I’ll let you know.”
