by Laine Watson
“Should I leave?”
“Aren’t you leaving anyway?”
“You know what I mean.”
“No. It’s fine.”
“You sure?” Carson asked sitting up.
“Yeah.”
“Okay,” he said and rose to his feet. He pecked me on my lips and opened my bedroom door. No one was there. He glanced back at me, with a curious frown and shrugged.
I smile.
She’ll be back.
“Okay. Coffee? Sandwich and orange juice?”
“Sure.” I smiled, pulling the cover over me again.
“Got it,” he said, closing the door behind me.
I took in a tranquil breath and turned over to snuggle into warmth Carson left behind. But the satisfying moment I thought I was about to have come to a screeching halt when I opened my eyes.
What am I doing? I frowned in despair. I’m supposed to be trying to distance myself from him, not snuggling into his side of the bed—what? He doesn’t have a side of the bed in my bed! I sat up throwing the covers off of me. I opened my middle drawer on my dresser and pulled on a shirt. As I passed by my vanity, I stopped to look at myself. I fixed my bangs and patted my cheeks.
Come on, Kin. We had a plan. One more guy, I have to find that guy who can fuck me. I can’t let Carson stay the night. I’m losing myself in this dream I know I can’t have.
A knock came at the door again as I sat down at the edge of my bed.
“It’s open,” I said, agitated, turning and folding one leg in front of me on the bed.
The door opened and Kira appeared behind it.
“Hey,” she said, closing the door. “Oh, I thought Carson was here.”
She sat down on the bed, across from me.
“He was,” I said, sighing heavily.
“So you and him are getting pretty hot and heavy. This is the second or third time he’s stayed the night. You don’t let guys stay the night and you don’t stay the night with guys.”
I tilted my head to the left and to the right, aggravated with the truth of that statement.
“No, Carson weasels his way in. I need to find someone better suited for me,” I said, hugging my legs. “It doesn’t matter that his dick is a fucking gold mine. I need new dick, better dick, ‘fuck me’ dick.”
“Here we go with this again.” She sighed, an annoyed expression on her face.
“I’m serious. I’ve got to get all this sensual, affectionate lovemaking shit out of my head. I can’t settle for that.”
“Settle?”
“I’d rather be fucked. Have my hair pulled, be gagged. Have some excitement. It’s not exciting having sex with Carson. It’s too serious and it takes forever. It’s like it’s not even real,” I said scratching my neck as I shifted uncomfortably.
“It’s almost like you’re trying to force yourself not to like him.”
“I’m not saying I don’t like him. It’s just... With Carson, I’m always in some type of dream state, I can’t focus or get a hold on myself. I just need one more guy to balance things out.”
I dropped my legs down on the bed and stared at Kira.
“You poor, idiot.” She smiled kindly.
“What?”
“Nevermind.”
“What do you want anyway?” I rolled my eyes at her.
“I was trying to see if you wanted to study for finals, they’re like five weeks away. I have a presentation to do in my multiple aspects of communications class.”
“Actually, yes. Anything to get Carson out of my head.”
“Why are you trying so hard to push him away? It seems like you guys like each other a lot. Why not embrace it?”
“Because, Kira. I’m not stupid. I’ve done well to keep him from knowing everything. I’m sure he’s figure out I’m not the girl next door, but eventually he find out how big of a slut I am and I’m not looking to get hurt by a dorky ass, cosplayer.”
“What?” She frowned.
“Nevermind.” I flopped down on the bed. “Can you please go? I want to be alone.” I sighed.
“Sure. So that’s a no on the studying for finals or yes?”
“We can later. Just give me a few hours.”
“Okay,” she said. She stared at me, and when I glanced over at her she had a pitying look on her face. Which pissed me off and made me sad all at once. I just rolled my eyes and looked in the other direction as she left the room.
I hate that he’s so sexy, that he’s so innocently beautiful in such unique ways. I wish he was a regular guy. This wouldn’t be so hard if he was.
I scooted around the bed and placed my hand between my thighs, biting on my bottom lip.
The door opened and Carson appeared with a brown bag in his mouth. He grabbed the bag with pink and yellow writing on it in one hand and carried a brown drink holder holding two drinks in the other. He used his back to close the door. I knew he had gone to the coffee shop down the road. He placed the bag on the nightstand beside my bed.
“They had a chocolate Frappuccino. I got that for you.”
“Oh,” I said sitting up.
He sat down on the bed and started to take the sandwiches out and sit them on the nightstand.
“Carson,” I said, a little above a whisper.
“Yeah?” he glanced back at me. His facial expression changed from casual to unsure.
“After we have breakfast you have to leave.”
“Why?” he asked, turning to face me a little more directly.
“Me and Kira are going to be studying for finals.”
“Great. I need to study.”
“No Carson,” I said, looking away from him, holding my elbow. “It’s just going to be me and Kira, okay?”
Why does this hurt so much? How come I can barely get my words out?”
“Oh, you getting in some bff time? Kira's feeling a little jealous. I get it.” He smiled and leaned over and kissed me. “You could have just told me I was being a greedy bastard, keeping you all to myself.”
I smirked. “Yeah. Stop that.”
“Sorry. I want you all to myself. Tell Kira I’ll fight her for you.”
“Shut up Carson,” I said, my cheeks warmed.
“I’m kidding. I know your friendship is important. I hope our relationship is just as important to you,” he said, staring into my eyes as if he was searching for something.”
I swallowed hard and inhaled. I said nothing.
He unwrapped a sandwich and took a bite, handing me the other sandwich. I stared down at the sandwich and Carson swathed his arms around my waist and pulled me closer to him, sitting me in his lap. I pulled open the sandwich paper and took a bite of my sandwich facing away from Carson.
“Is it good?” he asked, kissing my collar bone.
I inhaled anxiously and neglected to answer him.
Yeah, I’ve got to find someone else. Being with Carson like this, it’s like there’s only me and him. I can’t live like that. It would be too hurtful to have to give it up.
Chapter 14: Married
My senior year was winding down. I had aced my midterms and finals were swiftly approaching. I had made so many declarations to stop seeing Carson exclusively because that wasn’t my plan. My plan was to have four guys who fulfilled my needs. Somehow, I kept getting swept away by Carson and his innocence. I didn’t want innocence. I liked Carson a lot, but he didn’t give me everything I wanted, and I missed the things I couldn’t get from him. And that’s why I had been avoiding him.
I sat in my developmental psychology class, trying not to fall asleep. The day before I had gone to the elementary school to do my student teaching and stayed up all night studying for a test we were having on Friday.
I’m so happy this my last semester. I’m tired.
I was beginning to feel stretched too thin.
As I lay my head on my desk, I hear sniggers around me.
“She was probably up fucking some rando last night. That’s why she’s sleepy,” a gi
rl’s voice whispered. I glanced up but no one was looking at me or looked like they had been talking.
Really? This again?
I laid back in my folded arms and closed my eyes.
More laughter pierced my ears.
More whispers clouded my hearing, more voices. It was starting to get annoying. I sat up
“If you assholes have something to say just say it to me,” I whispered.
No one looked at me.
“Well?” I whispered, acidly, still no one looked my way.
I glanced over and a guy stared at me curiously as if he had no idea what I was talking about.
I stared blankly ahead.
Am I, am I hearing things? I wondered. My lips parted and I couldn’t tell if it was all in my head or if my classmates were just being assholes. I didn’t lay down again. I glanced around the classroom anxiously waiting to hear even the slightest mocking laughter or to see a stolen glance. Nothing. Everyone was focused on the lecture, except me.
What the hell? I said, my heart pounding in my chest. I glanced out of the door and saw Carson and my heart started to pound faster.
What is he doing out there? I looked again and he was gone. Am I going crazy? Am I hearing things and seeing things?
My breathing picked up as my face warmed, my heart was beating in my through.
I couldn’t take it anymore, I grabbed my things and shoved them in my backpack, threw it over my shoulder and walked toward the door.
“Ms. Todd?” my professor called looking in my face.
“I’m not feeling well. I’ve got the notes. If you don’t mind, I’m just going to go.”
“All right. I hope you feel better,” he said.
“Thanks,” I said, and casually left the classroom.
As soon as I was out of view of the class I ran to the bathroom and slammed the door, dropping my backpack beside me. I wiped my eyes then covered my face.
I lean up against the door pushing my head back.
I stared blankly ahead. “I need to calm down.” I held myself, subconsciously picturing Carson in my head. What’s wrong with me? All I ever do is think about him. That’s why I’m all paranoid. I need to shake this, seriously.
I took a few deep breaths. While doing so, my phone buzzed. I reached inside the pocket of my yellow pants and got it. Staring down at the phone, my heart dropped into my feet.
“It’s Carson.” A strange feeling came over me as those words slipped out of my mouth. I wanted to see him. Even after I had thought those things
“Hello?”
“Hey, did you leave already? I went by your class and—” Carson said.
So I did see him. Does that mean those assholes were talking about me?
“Why?” I asked, not having anything else to say.
“Well, I wanted to annoy you while you were in class. I just so happened to pass it a few minutes ago. I didn’t even know it was your class. But when I saw you, you didn’t look like you wanted to be bothered.”
My body warmed and a smile fell upon my lips.
“You’re already annoying.”
“Yeah, but it’d be more fun to get you in trouble in class.”
I giggled, suddenly it didn’t seem like a mountain of trouble was on my shoulders. Or that I needed to push him away.
“Can I see you?”
I smirked. “Yeah. Meet me behind the food court,” I said.
“Okay. See you in a few.”
“See ya.” I ended the call, placing my phone back into my shorts’ pocket.
I really hope that guy didn’t say anything to Carson, maybe he forgot too. Maybe we were both drunk.
I bent down to pick up my backpack. Then I threw it over my shoulders and left the bathroom. I kept my head down the entire way to the food court. I opened the double doors and Carson stood near the round tables with the umbrellas, just seeing him confused my emotions. I was happy and anxious at the same time.
I approached him, holding my backpack straps with my thumbs across my stomach.
He smirked down at me. “Are you done with classes? Can I walk you home?”
“Yeah,” I peeped.
We headed toward my apartment.
As we walked, my heart raced, his sweet scent filling my nose.
“I haven’t seen you in a while. Are you avoiding me?” he asked as we made our way down the quad.
I wish he wouldn’t have asked that.
“No. This is my last semester. Yours too, right? It’s hard, isn’t it?” I asked, latching my thumbs on the bottom of the straps of my backpack, laughing tensely.
“It’s been hard, period. Sometimes I thought it’d take me longer than four years to graduate. But yeah... it is hard.” He gazed thoughtfully up into the sky. “So is not seeing you.”
That burned. It stung, but also, melted me. I could only lower my head in silence and hope he said nothing else about it, but there was one question I couldn’t hold in.
“Why?”
“Because,” he smiled, a thousand mysteries behind it, “I like to see your smile.”
How simple. That statement, no matter how simple, warmed my whole body. I lowered my hand to grab his, but I pulled it back up to the bottom of my backpack strap and straightened it on my back.
“Heh. Yeah,” I said, clutching my straps a bit tighter and staring down at the concrete. That was all I really could say as we approached the apartment. I sniffed the air, thinking of something else I could say. “Has anyone said anything about me to you?”
“Does it matter?” he asked, staring straight ahead.
“So, in other words, yes.” I closed my eyes, painfully.
“Like you said, this is our last semester. Once we get good jobs and get married, the only thing that’ll matter are the ten kids I’m going to put inside you.”
I turned sharply to look at him with wide eyes.
“What?” I asked, furrowing my eyebrows.
I definitely wasn’t thinking about people talking shit about me anymore. That was probably his intention anyway. Bastard.
“Yeah.” He smiled proudly.
Married? That’s what he wants. Not someone like me. Not someone everyone’s had.
I turned away and frowned.
“Shut up, Carson. We’re not getting married,” I said as we approached my apartment door.
An awkward silence poured around us as I held the door handle. More than anything I wanted him to come in. I didn’t even want to have sex. I simply wasn’t ready for him to go. But I said nothing as I unlocked the door and opened it. My heart pinched. I wished he’d kiss me goodbye even if it was just a peck on my forehead. I stepped into the house and he stood on the cement landing smiling at me.
“See ya.”
“Yeah,” I said, holding in my sadness. “See ya.”
I closed the door and he left. The middle of my forehead itched as I scratched it. Maybe it wanted to be kissed too and it was just as disappointed as I was. I walked over to the window. The thin curtains allowed me to watch Carson walking down the sidewalk without having to admit that it was what I was doing.
What’s happening to me? I asked myself, my belly full of tingles and butterflies. I have to stay away from him until I figure out how to tell him what I want. Plus I can’t risk another run in with someone I’ve slept with. If he found out about me, that would change everything. I’m not ready for him to leave. I forced myself into my room and away from the window.
With a hopeless sigh, I lowered myself onto my bed.
Everything will change anyway, eventually. He’s just a guy. He serves a purpose. I just need to remember that.
Chapter 15: Student Teaching
I sat at the desk in Mrs. Landshire’s third grade classroom at Wyatt Elementary School grading the multiplication speed tests from earlier as she stood on the other end of the front of the classroom, peering down at the eight year old who was trying to remember his time tables.
I was a bit annoyed. I glanced over at
her, then at him as he nervously twiddled his fingers in front of him.
“Six times six is... is.... Thirty-six?” he said, glancing unsurely at Mrs. Landshire.
“I don’t know. Is it?” she said in a harsh tone.
I rolled my eyes and kept my miserable sigh to myself.
It’s fucking 1:45. Let the kid enjoy the last fifteen minutes of his day without you barreling down at him like he’s beneath you.
He glanced at me and I smiled with a nod. His face lit up.
Mrs. Landshire glared at me. I lowered my eyes back to the tests and continued grading them.
“Six times seven is forty-two,” he said proudly. “Six times eight is forty-eight. Six times nine is fifty-four. Six times ten is sixty. Six times eleven is sixty-six and six times twelve is seventy-two!” he finished with a smile and gazed over at me. I clapped my hands quietly in the air, noticing he wasn’t twiddling his hands anymore. He had them balled in determined little fists.
That’s right, show that overbearing bitch whose boss. I laughed inside.
“Thank you, Mr. Terrel. You may have a seat,” Mrs. Landshire said with her nose in the air as she sashayed over to the board, her plaid skirt swaying across her calves. She straightened her glasses.
“This is Ms. Todd’s last day, so I’m afraid you won’t have her to let you know if you’re right or not.”
Bitch.
“You’ll actually have to try yourself. You must trust yourself,” she said.
I raised my eyes to her, annoyed.
How can they trust in themselves if you’re intimidating them? Standing there like a fucking warden. I’m glad it’s my last day. I can’t wait to have my own class. I hate old ass teachers who think they know everything.
The bell rang.
“All right, students,” Mrs. Landshire said, clasping her hands together in front of her broach that sat in the middle of her crisp white blouse. “Have a good weekend. Next week we will begin ISAP testing, so please remember to let your parents know just in case they miss the notification email.”
The murmurs of a class who couldn’t care less about standardized testing filled the room. My sentiments exactly.
I rose to my feet and gathered my things as the class emptied. As I was about to throw my brown messenger back strap over my shoulder and leave the class Mrs. Landshire approached me.
