by Laine Watson
“Mhmm,” I said weakly, nodding. “No.”
“We could just sit here for a while,” he suggested.
“Okay,” I said closing my eyes and laying on his chest.
This is exactly what I wanted. However, something had changed. I liked Owen, I liked Sawyer and I liked Carson, but none of them were Zo and I didn’t know what that would mean for them and our relationships.
Chapter 17: Next Step
Finally, after four years of college, graduation had come. However, after meeting Zo, my life changed drastically. Even graduating with a degree in elementary education wasn't as important as getting to see Zo. That night everything I had ever thought I wanted changed. Finding out that he wasn’t a student at Wyatt and even that he didn’t live in Wyatt was disheartening, but I couldn’t be without him so a long-distance relationship would have to do. He was cool with the friends with benefits thing, which made him even more appealing to me.
Graduation wasn’t that special to me. This may make me sound like a degenerate, but it was boring. I couldn’t wait to throw my cap in the air and get the fuck out of there. I was on magma cum laude, so it wasn’t like I’d have to give a speech. I wasn’t a part of any sororities and any notable honors I had, would announce whether I was there or not. It was basically a wasted four-hour window outside of seeing Carson and Kira graduate, too. My parents weren’t there, so who cared? At least they got me a graduation present—a new car. I was happy to trade in my tiny black sedan for the small silver one. And I did get to at least talk to my mother on video chat when the deliverers dropped off the car. She said my dad had an important meeting, but he sent his love. That was fine. I was more interested in my car anyway. It was a silver sedan, small, got good mileage. So I couldn’t complain.
What I wanted was to see Zo, but he wasn’t coming until the next month, so he missed my graduation. I had talked to him the night before and he said he too had a meeting he needed to go to, so I wouldn’t be talking to him that day either.
Kira’s mom and grandparents came, and I got to meet them. I told Kira I’d see her at the apartment later as I was ready to go. As I was leaving I noticed Owen standing at the doors of the gym where the graduation was held.
Owen was a pale guy with goldish-gray, kind eyes. The tight curls on the top of his head were brownish-blonde, his shaved sides faded into a nice V shape on his neck. He was tall and sexy, muscular and stylish. Though as I looked him over, he didn’t look as muscular as I remembered. He and Carson had similar styles though he was much more stylish than Carson. Carson’s style was more like a careless rock band look with a sprinkle of nerdy sexiness thrown in.
“What are you doing here?” I smiled, giving him a hug.
“Oh, I...”
“Did you come to see me graduate?”
“You and a few other people.”
“Oh okay. So—”
He started to cough and turned away from me.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I got a little bit of a cold, but it’ll be okay.”
I stared at him. His skin didn’t look as tanned as it used to, it looked a bit yellow, almost. Maybe he hadn’t been out in a while.
I stared at him for a moment, his eyes seemed sad or something.
“You sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah.” He smirked. “If you’re asking if I’d be down for a quickie. I totally would.”
I laughed.
“Maybe next time. I have a lot of stuff I need to get done. I have some workshops and things I have to prepare for.”
“Really?”
“Nah, I’m just going to go home and play with myself.” I giggled.
“I could help you.” He smirked.
“Could you, though?” I wrinkled my nose at him with a smile. “Seriously though, I do have a lot to do.”
He laughed, “You handling things on your own these days?”
“Sometimes, but...”
Yeah, why am I turning Owen down? I wouldn’t usually do that. But I legitimately would rather just go home and think about Zo fucking me than do it with anyone else. What’s happening to me? Every time I meet a new guy all my plans fly out the window.
“What about your new friend?” Owen asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.
I smiled. “I got to go. See ya.” I knew I was being rude, but I didn’t want him to ask me any other questions.
“Heh. Fine ignore the question. See ya.” He waved and I headed to my new car.
I hopped in and drove through the campus back home.
When I made it into the apartment, I started taking off my graduation gown, after I put my cap on the counter upside down. Off came all my other clothes too. I tossed on an oversized tee shirt. The strangest thing happened when I laid down in my bed. I had no urge to masturbate and I didn’t miss Zo. I thought I’d have an overwhelming urge to call him or text him, but I didn’t. As I stared across the room and into my closed curtains, thoughts of Carson crossed my mind. The differences between him and Zo, the ways they made me feel, were worlds apart. I shut my eyes and turned over on my back with a sigh. I needed a distraction and it wasn’t going to be touching myself. Without noticing, maybe I had reserved that right for someone else. I picked up my phone and played a few games as the time passed.
After a while I heard movement outside my door, then it opened. It was Kira.
“Hey.” She smiled stepping into my room wearing normal clothes.
“Hey.” I sat up, locking the screen on my phone and letting it fall beside me.
She sat down on my bed.
“Did your family leave already?” I asked, scooting beside her with my covers over me.
“Yeah.” She laughed. “Working mom, you know.”
My parents don’t even live an hour away and they don’t... whatever. Who cares?
Kira gazed thoughtfully around the room. “One more week to be roommates.”
“Yeah. I should start packing,” I agreed, lying across her lap.
She caressed my hair.
“You going to be okay in that apartment all by yourself?”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine. What about you?”
“I’ll be good. I start my new job in a month, so I have a while to acclimate. My cousins are coming”
“I haven’t heard back from the school I did my observations at. Hopefully, I’ll hear from them soon.”
“What are you going to do about Carson?”
“Carson?” I said, glancing up at her.
“Yeah, you don’t really talk about Sawyer or Owen. They’ve never come over here. But Carson has, a lot.”
Right, I didn’t tell her about Zo. Maybe I’ll keep him to myself for a while.
“It’s not like I’m moving away. Things’ll stay the same.”
“What if he moves away?”
My body clutched so tightly I gave myself a headache. As I tried to calm down, having never even considered that, I lay my head back on Kira’s lap.
“Well, then he leaves. Whatever,” I said, nonchalantly.
“Right. Heh.” That’s all she said about it.
What if he does leave? It’s fine. I have Zo. I can live without getting licked into a coma. I smiled.
“Well I’m going to get something to eat. You want something?” Kira said, and I sat up.
She rose to her feet and turned to face me.
“No thanks. I’m fine.”
“Okay.” She shrugged and left my room.
I scooted back to the top of my bed, grabbing my phone on the way. After straightening the covers, I tapped my phone screen on with a sigh. No matter how I tried to ignore it, I wanted to at least hear Carson’s voice. Most graduates were probably having parties, or out with their family at dinner. I was alone, like most of my life. Carson always made me feel less alone. I tried to fight it for a few seconds, but I wasn’t able to for much longer. My body was so tense and restless.
He’s probably with his family, I don’t want to impose on him.
I’m being selfish. I called him anyway.
“Hey, happy graduation day.”
I giggled, all the tension and restlessness easing out of my body with a relaxing sigh.
“Same to you. I—I’m sorry if you’re hanging out with your family or—”
“Where are you?”
“Oh—I’m at home.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I know it’s lame but, I’m kind of over the day, you know?”
“Yeah, me too. I’m not busy.”
“Aren’t you like going out to dinner with your family or something?”
“Uh... no not really. I’d rather come and see you.”
How does he know exactly what to say?
“No. You should be with your family. And—”
“Too late. I’m already on my way.”
I giggled quietly, loathing the feeling of satisfaction knowing he chose to be with me, without hesitation than to be with his family or friends or anyone else.
“I don’t want to talk or anything, Carson.”
“No? Then what do you want to do?”
“I don’t know.”
“You sound sad. Are you?”
“A little. Everything’s changing. I’m moving to a new apartment. I’m going to be a teacher. Some real adulting headed my way.”
“Yeah. Same here,” he admitted sadly, “But it’s fine.” He paused, “Hey, I’m going to park.”
“Okay. I don’t want to get out of bed.”
“You don’t have to. I’ll see you in a few minutes.”
“Okay.” I sighed, closing my phone screen and putting my phone on the nightstand beside my bed. I closed my eyes. My head was hurting and I had no energy. There didn’t seem to be a plausible reason why I would feel that way. I ached to be next to Carson, but I didn’t let myself think about it.
When he walked into my room, I knew Kira had let him in.
“Aw, look at you, all curled up in a ball. Are you going to miss college that much?” he said, taking his shirt off over his head and sliding into bed with me. I peeked up at him as he moved me closer to him and held me. His lips touched mine and I kissed him back weakly. My eyes watered as I threw my arms slowly around his neck.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, a look of concern in his eyes.
“Are you going home? Or are you staying here?”
He inhaled through his mouth and exhaled through his nostrils.
“Home, huh?” He smiled sadly. “Isn’t this my home?”
“What?” I frowned, utterly confused.
“Nothing.” His smile was melancholy. “That was a weird thing to say. I’m going to stay in Wyatt. What about you?”
“Yeah, me too. I’m waiting to hear back from a few grade schools, mainly the one where I did my observations. I still have to study for the credentials test before I can actually be a teacher, but I’m on my way and since I’ve done observations and student teaching, I should be able to get a job quickly. ”
“Good then. We won’t have to miss each other.”
That’s all I need. I had no desire to have sex, no desire to do anything but lay there in his arms. It was happening again, just being in Carson’s presence changed me. I had been so in love with Zo and couldn’t stop thinking about him, but once Carson was there, Zo wasn’t so important. That was so contradictory to everything I was striving for. But at the end of the day, Carson meant something more to me than anyone, and I still wasn’t sure what that something was. I closed my eyes laying my head on his chest. I knew I couldn’t have this forever, but I wanted it right then. Soon, I’d have to figure out my next step.
“Can I stay here tonight?” Carson asked, moving my bangs back and kissing me on my forehead.
“Yeah.”
Chapter 18: Drinks on Me
As the summer winded down, Zo was quickly becoming more important to me, which scared me. I didn’t want to get as into Zo as I got into Carson. I had to be careful of that. Another new thing was having to take care of myself, or at least be careful. My mother and father were done paying for my living expenses. I had a little money in my bank account, but mostly I was going to be relying on my trust fund until I got a job. Getting a job was far more complicated than I suspected and being in my apartment alone was sometimes relaxing but other times it was lonely.
I had just seen Zo a few weeks prior, but I was missing him as I sat on the sofa watching a show. Kira was on her way over to my place, so we could hangout. My phone sat on my square wooden coffee table on top of the mosaic rug I got from a furniture store when I bought the red, plush sofa I sat on. My eyes sporadically veered over to it as I fought off calling Zo, just to talk to him. We didn’t really have a relationship like that. Our relationship was exactly what it started out as, incredible, mind-blowing sex. Which is what I wanted, right?
I sat on my legs with my elbow on the back of the sofa, pulling my fingers through my hair, anxiously.
Hurry up, Kira.
A knock came at the door.
Finally. I sighed, glancing at the door as I rose to my feet. I strolled over to the door and opened it for her.
“Hey.” I smiled.
“Hey.” She returned the expression as I stepped back and let her in.
She gave the apartment a once over as I closed the door.
“I see you finally decided to decorate. Nice,” she said, running her fingers over the charcoal gray, granite counters in the kitchen. She observed the small wicker basket at the end of it. “So you got an official place to throw your keys, huh?”
“Yeah,” I said, heading back over to the sofa.
She followed behind me and sat in the papasan chair with the microfiber, dark aqua blue cushion.
She ran her hands over the cushion and sat back.
“I like this chair.”
“Isn’t it awesome?”
“I like these colors. I approve.” She smiled.
“Thanks.” I chuckled.
“So, haven’t seen you in a few weeks. What’s been up?” she asked.
I folded my legs underneath me and faced her, placing my elbow back on the back of the sofa and leaned on my palm.
“Ugh. I just found out that I can only be an assistant teacher because I had to enroll in some MACE credentials program. I have to get like one hundred twenty hours of classroom experience as if my student teaching and observations weren’t enough.”
“Yeah, you never really told me how that went.”
“Because it wasn’t important. I got my credits and Mrs. Landshire had to pass me which I’m sure pissed her off to the fullest. The very last day of my student teaching she tried so hard to get me to snap, but I politely told her to kiss my ass.”
“Really?”
“I didn’t actually tell her to kiss my ass. It was more like she was trying her best, saying shit I’m sure she thought would get a rise out of me, but I smiled and kept calm. She was the one irritated and beside herself.” I laughed.
“Well good I guess. So what are you going to do now?”
I applied to a few schools for assistant positions. So I’m just waiting for responses so I can do the interview or whatever it takes to secure the position. My trust fund isn’t going to last forever.” I paused. “What about you?”
“I found a telecommunications job at Rectar. It’s a software company, I work in the customer care center. I don’t have an office but my cubicle’s pretty nice.”
“Awesome! So how are you doing at the new apartment? It’s almost the same size as our old one. But it’s close to here, so I approve.” I smiled.
“It’s fine. I don’t see why we couldn’t have just stayed roommates for a while, especially since you don’t have a job right now.
Because I don’t want you to know about Zo. If we lived together there’d be no way to hide him.
“Yeah, that would have been the smarter decision,” I said, still avoiding telling Kira about Zo. I don’t really know why I didn’t want to tell her. It just s
eemed like she’d have a lot to say about actually going through with the four-guy thing. It’s one thing to sleep with random people randomly but to own up to sleeping with four people at the same time, I was ashamed. I shouldn’t have been, because technically I wasn’t sleeping with four guys, but I was.
“How’s Carson?” she asked, staring at me with suspicious eyes.
Dammit. She’s on to me. I knew it wouldn’t take her long to figure out that this decision was because of a guy. Good she thinks it’s Carson though. I can deny it without having to lie.
“I don’t know. If you think I moved in here so we could have wild crazy sex together without being disturbed you’re wrong. I don’t even know where he lives. We’ve only seen each other twice since graduation.”
“That seems odd.” She screwed up her lips as if she didn’t believe me.
“Not really. We were getting way too close anyway. I already told you he’s too vanilla for me. I just wanted something that was my own. I’ll find a job soon. So you don’t have to worry about it. I’m fine. Really.”
She stared at me observantly, nodding. “Okay.” She paused. “Do you want to grab some food, celebrate our newfound independence?”
“Absolutely! Drinks on me.”
Chapter 19: Owen
The new school year had started, and I managed to find a sixth-grade assistant teaching position at Macon Elementary. The class was small, and the lead teacher, Kim Hardy, was not a reptile bitch with a stick up her ass. Teaching was fun, as I expected it to be. She let me do my thing.
Teaching took my mind off of Carson and Zo. I thought my balancing act would rid me of feeling too connected to Carson but all it really did was make me want Carson and Zo to be one person. They were truly polar opposites, everything Cason gave me, Zo lacked and everything Zo gave me Carson lacked. Although, the things I missed about Carson were mostly things in a friendship. So it made sense. I continued to distance myself from Carson, it was hard though because Zo was gone more than he was there. Zo and I only had been seeing each other two times a month. The long-distance relationship thing wasn’t working for me. So I had to utilize my other resources. I couldn’t turn to Carson, I knew I’d get sucked into his world again. If nothing else, Zo did balance the scales. In him I was convinced I had found that something better than Carson, if only he were available to me like Owen, Sawyer and Carson.
