by Pamela Clare
He was ready to cut himself open and lay himself out for Esri right here and now if only it would make the darkness inside him go away.
Esri watched him for a moment. “Your childhood. Your combat experience. Any major traumatic events, especially those that made you feel helpless.”
He steeled himself.
“My dad was a dick. He beat me when I was little—not all the time, but often enough. He beat my mother sometimes, too, usually when she got in between the two of us. Also, he wasn’t really my dad. He married my mom when she was pregnant. My sister is his child, but I’m not. As for my combat experience—I killed the enemies of my country without remorse, and I watched good people die.”
“That’s a lot to tell me all in one go. Do you mind if we sift through this?”
He glanced at the clock. “I can’t leave here until…”
Until I feel worthy of Ellie again.
She seemed to understand his urgency. “How did it make you feel to see your father hurting your mother, especially when it involved you?”
He looked into Esri’s brown eyes. “I felt guilty. I felt so angry. I hated him. I felt … helpless.”
That word again.
“How scary for a little boy to see someone he loves—his mother—being hurt. Did you ever try to stop him?”
“Yeah. Of course.” Memories Jesse had tried to bury drifted through his mind. “I jumped on him, started hitting him. He knocked me to the ground and kicked the shit out of me. Afterward, my mother told me never to do that again.”
“So you tried to save her, but you couldn’t. You were overpowered by a stronger force, and you felt helpless.”
Jesse wasn’t a therapist, but even he could see the parallel. “Like in the dream.”
“Like real life. You tried to save the little Fisher girl. You were overpowered by the rushing water, and you felt helpless.”
They talked about this for a while, Esri allowing their appointment to go over by thirty minutes.
“I want you to think about something over the next few days,” she said. “Your job with ski patrol and your volunteer work with the Team—it’s all about protecting people, saving lives. You’ve told me before that saving lives gives you a high.” She held up a hand to stop the objection she knew he was about to make. “Yes, I think anyone would feel good if they saved a life, but you’ve told me your work with the Team holds you together. Why is it so important for you to take on the role of guardian? Why is it so important to you personally to save people?”
Chapter 16
Ellie was late getting dinner on the table. She’d decided at the last minute to invite Jesse to eat with them. She’d called him and left a voicemail and then made a mad dash to Food Mart with the kids to get everything she needed to make coq au vin. It was one of the few fancy meals she made, and it was easy.
Now dinner was finally ready, the twins were hungry and grumpy, and she still hadn’t heard back from Jesse. She told herself that he’d probably gotten busy at work or been called out with the Team, but she couldn’t shake the fear that something was wrong. He’d only been a part of her life for two weeks, but the thought of losing what they had together—whatever it was—left a bleakness inside her. She cared about him, truly cared about him. She didn’t want it to end.
She cut a piece of chicken into bites for the kids and put it together with buttered pasta and peas on their plates. “Here you go, sweeties. Daisy, don’t throw your fork.”
She’d just given them each a sippy cup of milk when a knock at the front door made her jump. She hurried to open it, relief and joy pushing away the cloud of anxiety she’d been carrying all evening.
Jesse stood there in his ski pants and parka, looking like he’d just gotten off work, his hair windblown, the bandage on his forehead gone to leave the stitches exposed. He looked drained, but he smiled when he saw her. “Am I too late?”
“Jesse!” said the twins, Daisy first and then Daniel, and it was clear they were both happy to see him.
“Not at all. You’re right on time.” She stood on her toes and kissed him. “I’ll fix you a plate.”
He took off his boots and his parka and followed her to the stove, hands coming to rest on her hips as he looked over her shoulder. “That smells incredible. What is it?”
“Coq au vin. It sounds fancy, but it’s very easy to make.”
There was so much Ellie wanted to say to him, but now wasn’t the time. They talked about little stuff while they ate—her attempts to get the missing supplies delivered in time, his day on the slopes, Daisy’s new knack for profanity.
“She said it as clear as a bell—D-A-M-N.”
Jesse looked into Ellie’s eyes, a sexy smile spreading across his face. “I guess she takes after her mother.”
Ellie felt her cheeks burn.
After supper, she let the kids play for a while, then plopped them one at a time into the tub. Rather than sitting in the living room and keeping his distance, Jesse helped, entertaining whichever child was in the tub with tub toys, tossing rings onto the floating octopus’ tentacles, pouring water through pipes of the waterworks set, and ensuring that neither child wanted to come out of the tub when it was time.
“I think you like those toys more than they do.” Ellie lifted a protesting Daniel out of the water. “Should I bring them with me tomorrow night?”
He chuckled, plucked Daniel out of her arms, and turned him into an airplane for the short journey to his bedroom. “Vrooom!”
“For a guy who’s not good with kids, you’re really good with kids.”
“Thanks.” His gaze met hers, a hint of sadness in his eyes. “File that under ‘Things I never thought I’d hear a woman say.’”
Jesse read them bedtime stories, the sight of him holding Daisy and Daniel on his lap and reading Dr. Seuss making Ellie’s heart squish. He might not have planned to be a father, but she had no trouble imagining him in that role.
When the kids were finally asleep, Ellie and Jesse sank onto the sofa together, facing one another. For a moment, they sat in silence, their fingers twining, the contact somehow reassuring.
He spoke first. “Ellie, I … I’m sorry about last night. I’ve never done that before.”
“It’s okay, Jesse. When I said you were safe with me, I meant it. I don’t think any less of you because of it. Tears are not a sign of weakness in a man.”
The hard set of his jaw told her that he couldn’t buy that.
“I saw my therapist today. Well, she’s not really my therapist. She’s the Team’s therapist, but I’ve been seeing her off and on since …”
“I’m glad.” Ellie was relieved. “I think anyone who’d been through what you went through that day would be facing some post-traumatic stress. I said it takes courage to face your emotions. It takes even more courage to get help.”
“I’m damaged goods, Ellie. Are you sure you want this in your life?”
“Is that how you think of yourself?”
The desolation in his eyes answered for him.
“When I look at you, I see a man who has served his country, who helps his neighbors and volunteers in his free time to save lives. In my book, you’re a hero. You’ve gathered some scars along the way. That happens to everyone, but it especially happens to heroes.”
He seemed to consider this. “I did something today I’ve never done before. I made a bogus call to dispatch. I told them I’d seen some skiers out of bounds, but I hadn’t. I just needed to get as far away from people as I could to think, to clear my head.”
“I bet you’re not the first patroller to do that.” She laughed.
He didn’t. “I stood there, looking down. There were pinwheels rolling everywhere. The slope was primed to slide. A part of me wanted to drop into that powder, shoot for the bottom, and let the mountain decide whether I lived or died. How fucking heroic is that?”
Her stomach fell to think of him on the brink like that. He was talking about suicide here, taking
risks not for the thrill of it, but for a chance to end his life. “But you didn’t do it.”
“Do you know what held me back?”
She shook her head.
He reached up, ran his thumb over her cheek. “You.”
Her throat grew tight. “I’m glad.”
“Plus, I didn’t want my buddies on the Team to have to dig me out.”
She laughed through the lump in her throat. “Megs would kick your ass.”
“What did I do to deserve you?”
“Oh, Jesse.” It hurt to think that he couldn’t see himself as she saw him. “Do I have to list it all? You helped me when my car broke down, shoveled my walk, watched my kids—and you fuck like a god.”
“Yeah?” He moved in on her, one smooth motion bringing his face to hers, his lips catching her lower lip, giving it a little tug. “What do you say to a little worship in the bedroom?”
“Hallelujah.”
Jesse carried Ellie to the bedroom, the two of them rolling together on her bed, hands tearing at clothing, searching for soft flesh. He fucked her hard and fast, reveling in her moans and cries. Tears slid down her cheeks when she came, the tenderness he felt for her an ache in his chest. A few thrusts later, he followed her into paradise, climax washing through him as bright and pure as salvation.
They held each other in the darkness afterward.
“Promise me you won’t do it—that you’ll never try to kill yourself.”
He kissed her hair. “I promise.”
Ellie spent Tuesday cleaning the house and getting ready for her night with Jesse. She vacuumed, mopped, cleaned the bathrooms, dusted, and put clean sheets on the bed—again. In between, she played with the kids and packed an overnight bag.
Tonight would be her first night away from the twins, her first night completely alone with a man for almost four years. She found it exciting—but it also made her nervous.
While the kids took their afternoon nap, she showered, shaved her legs, and gave herself a pedicure. Then she called Claire, needing advice.
“I want tonight to be special, but I don’t know what to do.”
“Lingerie?”
“I did the sexy-bra-and-panties routine already. I do have some other lingerie. I just haven’t worn it in years.”
“Fruit and whipped cream?”
“That doesn’t sound sexy to me.”
“You don’t want him to eat grapes out of your—”
“No!”
“I don’t know what to say, sis. Tie him up. Let him spank you. It’s your love life. Do whatever floats your boat. Just be sure to tell me about it—in detail.”
“You are no help.”
“Not true. I’m taking care of your kids tonight, remember?”
“Oh, right.”
“Are you going to the Kirby boy’s funeral Thursday?” That was an abrupt change of subject. “I think Mom and Dad are going.”
“I’ll be there. I helped care for Tyler. See you later.”
Ellie ended the call, opened her bottom drawer, and looked through the lingerie she hadn’t touched in four years. There was a white lace body suit with a neckline that plunged all the way to her navel. She’d bought it for what had turned out to be her last Valentine’s Day with Dan. There was a silky pink baby doll gown she’d worn on their honeymoon. There was the teddy she’d bought to surprise Dan for his birthday their first year together.
She couldn’t wear any of these. They were tied to Dan, tied to her past. Jesse was part of a new chapter in her life. If she wore lingerie, it had to be something she’d bought just for him. And since there was no time for that…
She saw a Victoria’s Secret bag lying on the bottom of the drawer. She pulled it out, opened it, and found a red lace bustier with garters and a matching red thong. Red lace stockings lay folded in an unopened plastic package. She must have bought all of this to surprise Dan at some point, but she’d never worn it. Perfect.
Her cell phone buzzed.
It was the hospital.
“Hey, this is Sharon, manager of Central Supply. I found the missing stuff. It’s here. It’s in an adjacent room. I’m not sure how it ended up there, but it’s all together now.”
This was good news. “Thanks so much.”
At least that was resolved.
The afternoon passed slowly. Ellie played with the kids, and then gave in and sat them down in front of a DVD so that she could make dinner. Her cell phone buzzed again. A text message from Jesse.
COUNTING THE MINUTES.
His words gave her heart wings. She floated through making supper, kept her sense of humor through Daniel’s painting experiment with poop, hummed during bath time, then snuggled with the kids to read stories.
Claire and Cedar arrived just as she was putting the kids to bed, but that was probably for the best. That way Daisy and Daniel wouldn’t be surprised to see them if they woke up in the middle of the night. While Claire gave the kids bedtime kisses, Ellie shut herself in her bedroom and tried to figure out what to wear.
What did a person wear to a ski lodge when they weren’t going skiing and would probably spend most of the night naked?
She put on the bustier, thong, and stockings and slipped on a curve-hugging black sweater dress that reached her knees and knee-high boots. She hurried into the bathroom and put on makeup—eyeliner, eye shadow, mascara, blush, lip gloss. She studied her reflection in the mirror, a kind of excitement in her eyes she hadn’t seen for so long.
She stepped out of her room, overnight bag in hand, and walked to the living room where Claire and Cedar were settling in with a DVD.
Claire squealed. “Oh, my God, Ellie, you look hot.”
“Shh!” Ellie laughed. “You’ll wake up the kids.”
“You look good.” Cedar pointed the remote at the TV. “Do you have any beer?”
“Get off your butt and go look,” Claire teased. “The fridge is that way.”
“I’ll get one.” Ellie had just pulled an Indian Peaks Pale Ale out of the fridge when a knock came at the front door. She hurried over to Cedar, handed him the beer, then answered the door. The sight of Jesse made her breath catch.
He stood there looking like a rock star in black jeans, a black crew-neck T-shirt, and a black blazer, his face clean shaven, his hair neat and combed, dark brown suede boots on his feet. His gaze traveled over her. “Damn.”
“You remember Claire, my sister?”
Jesse nodded. “Hey, Claire. How’s your knee healing?”
“It’s better. Thanks. I hear you almost got blown up.”
Jesse touched a finger to the stitches on his forehead. “Yeah. Stupid accident.”
Cedar got to his feet, held out his hand. “I’m Cedar, Claire’s partner.”
Jesse shook hands with him. “Good to meet you.”
“Let me just check the kids, and we can go.” Ellie tiptoed into their bedrooms, kissed them, then tiptoed out to the living room. “I’m ready.”
Jesse picked up her overnight bag, put his arm around her shoulder, and walked with her to the door. “Good night.”
“Thanks so much, you two. See you at six a.m.”
“Have fun,” Claire called after them. “And use contraception!”
Ellie couldn’t help but laugh.
Jesse swiped the key card, pushed open the door, and held it for Ellie, anticipation warming his blood. He’d done a little recon earlier this evening. He’d wanted to check the suite out, make sure they had everything they needed—champagne in the fridge, condoms in each room, an antipasto plate and some fresh fruit in case they got hungry. He’d never done anything like this before. He wanted to get it right for her.
She walked inside, and her eyes went wide. “Wow.”
He followed her, savoring the play of emotions on her face.
“Can you believe this place?”
It wasn’t called the luxury suite for nothing. Floor-to-ceiling windows looked out onto the slopes, the vaulted ceilings crossed
with polished wooden beams. Two contemporary chandeliers hung over the living room area, a blocky leather sofa and two matching armchairs arranged around a coffee table across from a large stone fireplace. Wood stood in a neat stack in an alcove beside the hearth, kindling in a basket. A door led to a small balcony outside, where chairs sat buried in snow.
“Where’s the bed?”
He pointed. “It’s through there.”
She laughed at the sight of the king-sized bed with its thick, carved posts that had to be seven feet tall. There was another fireplace, a leather sofa sitting off to one side. A doorway to their right led to a bathroom with a large steam shower and a sunken hot tub.
He couldn’t say what was running through her mind, but he was sizing up every room and every piece of furniture for its erotic possibilities. The fluffy sheepskin rug on the floor in front of the living room fireplace. The built-in bench in the shower. Those big bedposts.
“I’ve never been anywhere this posh.”
“Yeah, me neither. Want some champagne?” He retrieved the bottle from the kitchen, popped the cork, and poured them each a glass. “Salute.”
“Cheers.”
Their glasses clinked.
She sipped, wrinkled her nose. “The bubbles tickle.”
“I’ll build a fire in the bedroom, and you can settle in.” He got to work and soon had a good blaze going, pine logs crackling. He stood and turned, about to ask her whether she was hungry, but the words never left his tongue.
“Where do you want me first?” She stood next to the bed, wearing a strapless, red lace bustier, tiny red panties just covering her triangle of dark blond curls, garters holding up red lace stockings. She turned, giving him the full three-sixty view, and he saw that the panties were actually a thong, her sweet ass bare.
His mouth watered, blood surging to his groin. “Damn.”
He fought the urge to bend her over the bed and fuck her right there. A guy only had so many rounds he could fire in a single night, after all, and he didn’t want their fun to end too soon.
