by Pamela Clare
The service started, the guy with the bushy beard who ran the new marijuana dispensary playing hymns on the organ. Ellie wasn’t Catholic, but she did her best to follow along in the program, which included the words they were supposed to say and when to kneel or stand.
The kids had a hard time being quiet, so she and her mom ended up taking turns with them in the nursery area, where they could talk and play without disturbing anyone and where they could hear the service piped in by some kind of microphone system. When communion was finished, Carrie Kirby stood and walked up to the microphone to eulogize her own son.
“All I have of my firstborn son are photographs and happy memories, so please indulge me while I tell you what a wonderful child he was.”
Ellie, who was back in the pew with her father, could not hold back her tears while Carrie, who was remarkably composed, shared stories about Tyler. Ellie wasn’t alone in her tears, audible sobs and sniffs coming from the audience.
“What he wanted most was to be a firefighter. He came home from school to tell me that the fire chief had come to his class and that he’d seen a fire engine. He wore a firefighter costume for that Halloween, and we had a hard time getting him to take it off.”
Quiet laughter.
“Tyler, you are beyond us now. You are beyond pain. But we will always, always love you. God bless you and rest in peace, my sweet darling.” With those words, her knees seemed to go weak, the priest and her husband helping her back to her seat.
Eric and his crew walked up to the little casket and saluted it. The pall was removed and replaced with a small American flag. Then Eric set a firefighter’s helmet next to the flowers. And as the firefighters passed, carrying the casket out to the waiting hearse, Ellie saw tears streaming down Eric’s face.
Ellie wept as she told Claire about the funeral and the graveside service that had followed and how Carrie had held onto her when she’d paid her respects. “She actually thanked me. I couldn’t save Tyler. None of us could do anything for him, and still, she thanked us—all of us.”
They talked until Ellie had cried herself out.
“So, do I get to ask how it went at the hotel?”
Okay, so maybe she wasn’t quite finished with tears. “I think it’s over between Jesse and me.”
“What? How can it be over? What can possibly have gone wrong in thirty-six hours? You were practically fucking each other with your eyes Tuesday night.”
Ellie told her about their night at the hotel and their day at the Cimarron—how perfect both had been and how horribly the day had ended. “He left the key on my table.”
“Have you heard from him since?”
“No. Nothing. He left the key so that must mean he’s done.”
“Or maybe he thinks you’re done.”
“I told him I needed time, not that I never wanted to see him again.”
“Can I ask you something without you getting mad at me?”
“I don’t know.”
“Okay, well, I’m going to do it anyway. So what if he knew Dan? What’s the big deal with that?”
“It’s a military thing.” How could she explain this? “You don’t fight beside your buddy, watch him die, then come home and use his wife’s grief to get sex.”
“That’s not what Jesse did. It’s not as if he moved into the cabin knowing who you were and spent the past two years waiting for your car to break down in a snowstorm so he could seduce you and babysit your kids.”
“Well…” Ellie had nothing.
“Besides, you said he and Dan didn’t know each other well, that they just did some missions or actions or whatever together. It sounds like you guys got caught up in something that neither of you expected and that his connection to Dan wasn’t the first thing on his mind. That’s kind of a compliment if you think about it.”
Claire wasn’t getting the point.
“He fucked me in the bed I shared with Dan with Dan’s photos on the walls, and he didn’t think, ‘Maybe I should tell her that I knew her husband.’”
“Are you sure the real issue here isn’t that you feel guilty? Maybe his bringing up Dan brought it all crashing in on you.”
“No!” Ellie realized she’d shouted into the phone, rage mixing with a sinking feeling that her sister might be right. “Why should I feel guilty? Dan wanted me to be happy. He made me promise I would move on. How many times have you told me that?”
“You’ve spent almost four years saying you can’t move on. Then you meet Jesse and you’re magically cured—except that you’re still wearing your wedding ring. Dan’s photos are still all over the walls. Then, when he mentions Dan, you flip.”
Ellie let out a breath, tried not to get upset. “It’s not just that he mentioned Dan. It’s that he knew him. They fought together. He said Dan even saved his life a few times. Dan saved his life. But it took him until yesterday to tell me any of this.”
“Okay, so he ought to have told you. All I know, sis, is that a brave, sexy man cares about you and your kids enough to cook for the three of you, shovel your sidewalk, and fuck your brains out. You need to think hard before you end this.”
“I didn’t say I was ending it.”
“Why would he leave the key unless he believed that’s what you wanted?”
It was after nine—and a lot of rum—when she knocked on Jesse’s door.
“Jesse, I know you’re in there. Please let me know you’re okay. I’ve called. I’ve texted. I’ve left messages. But you’re not answering.”
She’d called? He hadn’t gotten any damned phone calls or texts. Then he remembered he’d turned his cell phone off, the silence too hard to take.
“I can’t leave the kids home alone for long. I shouldn’t leave them alone at all, but I have to see you. I have to know you’re all right.”
So, this was a welfare check. She didn’t really want to see him. She just wanted to make sure he hadn’t done anything stupid. Well, he hadn’t done anything stupid—if you didn’t count getting drunk in his underwear.
“I’ll call the police, and they’ll break down your door. Please, open up. It’s freezing out here.”
Well, fuck.
He couldn’t afford a new door.
“I’ll call Megs.”
Okay, now Ellie was just playing dirty. Megs would rake his ass over the coals.
He put the bottle down, got unsteadily to his feet, and walked to the front door, then realized she was standing at the side door. He turned, tripped over one of the legs to his sofa and almost fell on his face. He caught himself, straightened up, then walked to the door and opened it.
“Oh, thank God.” She stood there in sub-zero temps in nothing more than a T-shirt and jeans, teeth chattering. “This is the second time you’ve opened the door in your underwear.”
He looked down. “You’re counting?”
“You’ve been drinking.”
“Yeah. Seemed like the right thing to do. You’ve been crying.”
“Today was Tyler Kirby’s funeral.”
Oh. Shit.
“Sorry. That must’ve been hard.”
She nodded. “It was beautiful and horrible. They made him an honorary firefighter and buried him with full honors.”
“That was a good thing to do.”
Damn, it was cold.
“You got your stitches out.”
“I took them out myself. It’s not hard.” He pointed toward his sofa and the wood stove. “You should come in before you become hypothermic.”
She shook her head. “I can’t leave the kids alone like this. I had to know you’re okay. Also, you left something at my house. I want you to have it back.”
She took his hand, pressed something into it.
The key to her house.
His gaze jerked to hers. “Why are you giving me this?”
“Because despite everything I said yesterday, I’m glad you’re in my life. It might be my emotions getting in the way here as much as anything you did or didn’
t do. I care about you, Jesse. I said I needed time. I didn’t tell you to get out of my life, did I?”
“It sure sounded like that to me.”
“I’m sorry for that.”
“I should’ve told you. I don’t know why I didn’t. I wasn’t trying to trick you or pull the wool over those pretty green eyes of yours.”
“I believe you.”
He wanted to kiss her but realized his breath was probably a hundred proof. Instead, he reached out and cupped her cheek.
She turned her face into his hand, kissed his palm. “I missed you today.”
“I missed you, too.” He’d never spoken truer words in his life.
With that, she turned and hurried through his backyard, glancing over her shoulder at him. “Close your door, or you’re going to freeze.”
He didn’t shut the door. Instead, he stepped into a pair of boots, grabbed his parka and stood there in his backyard in his underwear, looking like a total jackass and freezing his nuts off, watching to make sure she made it safely home.
When she locked the door behind her, he walked back into his cabin and dumped the rest of the rum down the drain.
Chapter 19
On Friday, Ellie was assigned to the recovery room to fill in for a fellow RN who was out sick. She spent eight long, slow hours taking vitals, administering pain meds, and reassuring groggy patients that they were okay. Compared to the ER, it was pretty quiet, giving her time to think—perhaps too much time.
Claire was right. Ellie had been so caught up in the emotions of being wanted and wanting someone again that she’d ignored her guilt about being sexually involved with another man. The intellectual side of her knew that Dan would want her to move on. Hadn’t he made her promise she would?
But three weeks ago, she’d still thought of herself as Dan’s wife. She’d still thought of him as her husband. It was a lot to set aside in such a short time.
Somehow, hearing that Jesse had known him had brought it all to the surface. He shouldn’t have kept it from her, but she shouldn’t have said the things she’d said to him.
You came back, but Dan died in that helicopter.
The memory of her own words made her wince. There’d been desolation in his eyes, as if he felt it was an injustice somehow that he had survived.
God, she hadn’t meant that the way it sounded.
She texted him on her lunch break, wanting to know he was okay, wanting to know that the fragile bond between them was still intact.
SEE YOU TONIGHT?
How he was getting through the day with what must have been a killer hangover, she didn’t know. Then again, he was a big man, and men metabolized alcohol faster than women. If she had polished off most of a bottle of rum, she’d have ended up in the ER getting her stomach pumped.
She was glad that he was seeing a therapist. She hoped he would mention the drinking. He was self-medicating, and it would hurt him in the end. Everything he loved—climbing, ski patrol, the Team—depended on him staying strong and healthy. Booze wouldn’t fix anything.
He replied five minutes later.
I’D LIKE THAT.
Some of the tension she’d been carrying eased.
She finished her shift and was thrilled that her mother invited her and the kids to stay for supper. Walking through the front door of her parents’ house always felt like slipping into a hot tub of water.
She stepped through the door, a heavenly scent in the air that made her mouth water. “What are you cooking? It smells incredible.”
“Pork roast, potatoes, salad, and green beans,” her mother called from the kitchen. “Pork roasts were on sale at Food Mart.”
Daniel and Daisy came around the corner and ran to her. “Mama!”
She slipped out of her coat and got down on her knees, hugging them to her, the feel of them precious in her arms. “I’m so happy to see you! What did you do today?”
They both spoke at once, the word “horsie” in there several times.
Soon, dinner was on the table.
“I’ve heard a lot about horses today—and a certain Jesse.” Her mother was not one to bother with subtlety. “This is the gentleman who helped you and who needed your father to pay a house call, right?”
“Yes.” Ellie looked over at her father, who seemed to be especially fascinated by the contents of his dinner plate.
“Just be careful—if you know what I mean,” her mother said.
“Mom, I’m a mother, an RN, and I’m twenty-eight, not fifteen.” Ellie knew how to make them change the subject. “Jesse is a former Army Ranger, a combat veteran. He knew Dan.”
Her father’s head snapped up. “He knew Dan?”
“I guess Dan flew him and his men on some of their missions. He said he thinks Dan saved his life a time or two.”
Ellie’s mother reached over, gave Ellie’s arm a squeeze. “What a small and interconnected world it is.”
“The kid scared the bejesus out of himself.” Matt stood across from Jesse and Kevin, arms crossed over his chest, Boomer at his feet, everyone else gone for the day. “He doesn’t want to be on explosives, and I don’t see how we can ask him to keep doing that. It’s a huge liability issue if anything happens as a result.”
Jesse had no argument there. “If he wants out, he should be out. We can’t have someone handling live charges if they’re spooked. His head would have to be in the game, and it’s not.”
“So, he’s off explosives,” Kevin said. “Do any of our patrollers want the job?”
“Amanda.” Matt looked from Jesse to Kevin. “Amanda told me she wants to learn the skill. She has zero experience with avalanche work. I don’t know how the two of you feel about that.”
“What—you mean because she’s a woman?” Kevin shrugged. “Who cares?”
A sense of uneasiness stirred in Jesse’s chest, the idea of a woman working with explosives troubling for reasons he couldn’t explain. It’s not as if having a vagina or boobs made it harder to light a fuse or throw a charge accurately. He fought back his initial response. “It’s fine with me. I can start training her right away, give her an overview, show her what not to do.”
With that matter settled, Jesse changed out of his gear and headed down to the parking lot. Travis was there with a couple of young women, drinking beer out of a cooler stashed in the back of his pickup.
“I took a call about the guy with a broken nose.” Travis waved to Jesse. “Man, I have never seen so much blood. It was gushing. I thought he was going to choke. The blood froze on the snow.”
The women seemed impressed by this.
“Who’s your friend?” one of the women asked, looking at Jesse.
“Hey, Jesse, come hang. I’ve got very attractive company—and beer.”
“Nah. Thanks. I need to get home.” Jesse had heard of patrollers taking advantage of the job to get laid but he hadn’t thought much about it until now.
The woman who’d asked about him let out a disappointed moan.
“And, hey, Travis, if you’re going to drink, don’t drive.” Jesse climbed into his Jeep and made the drive back to Scarlet, his mind taking the familiar path to the only woman who interested him—Ellie.
She wanted to see him tonight, and he didn’t think it was to tell him to get lost. She’d had that chance already. She’d actually stood outside his door in a T-shirt and jeans in freezing weather to give him her key. No, she didn’t want to end things.
But where was this relationship headed?
Hell, he had no idea.
He had fallen for her. He’d fallen hard. There was really no point in bullshitting himself any longer. He cared about her the way he’d cared about no other woman. He cared about Daisy and Daniel, too. If he was capable of feeling love, then he loved them—all three of them.
Who could have seen this coming?
Not Jesse. That’s for damned sure.
The only way to find out where this would go was to keep moving forward. It was like climbing
. You kept going up and up, not knowing where your next handhold would be until you got there, your ass hanging a thousand feet above the ground. The unknown excited him when it came to climbing. But when it came to relationships, it scared the shit out of him.
Well, that’s just how it was. He’d never quit on a climbing route, and he wasn’t about to quit on Ellie.
Ellie left a note on the back door telling Jesse just to let himself in. It’s not that she didn’t want to get the door. She wanted him to know he was still welcome. To pass the time, she curled up with a book on the sofa. She didn’t realize she’d fallen asleep until warm lips pressed a kiss against her forehead. She opened her eyes, saw Jesse looking down at her, his blue eyes soft. He’d showered and shaved and was wearing a black cable knit sweater over faded blue jeans.
She sat up. “What time is it?”
“Nine-fifteen.”
She’d sat down a half hour ago. “I guess I wore myself out today. Can I get you some tea or coffee or some water maybe? I’m going to make some tea for myself.”
She didn’t offer him scotch.
“No thanks. I’m good.”
She walked to the kitchen, words she’d spoken last time he was here still weighing heavily on her. She had apologized, but only in a very hurried way, given that she’d been freezing outside his door.
“I’m glad you came.” She deliberately kept her distance, not wanting to cross the bridge into physical contact again until they had sorted this out. She opened her mouth to go on, but he beat her to it.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, Ellie. You have every right to be angry. I wasn’t trying to keep anything from you. I didn’t want to tell you that first night, but there were other times, and plenty of them, where I could’ve said something and didn’t. I don’t understand why I didn’t bring it up. I wasn’t trying to deceive you.”
