“I love you, son.”
I hang up the phone and put it in my pocket. I try to pull myself together before going into the waiting room, but I see Nikki and how she has to be so grown up and how she doesn’t have a mom anymore. She isn’t even going to have her mom filed away in a box somewhere.
And my mom is there, talking to her and holding her hand.
What if I couldn’t see her face anymore?
I sit next to Nikki and cover my face, hoping they won’t notice.
“Ares, are you okay?” my mom asks.
I shake my head behind my hands, trying to fight the tears and emotion in front of my mom and my girl and losing the battle and the war.
Nikki hugs me. “You’re gonna make me lose it, man.”
I bury my face in her neck and let myself cry a little. I don’t care if my mom figures it out. I haven’t cried in a long, long time. I put my arms around her, hands in fists and she rubs my back. Her body shakes with a sob every once in a while.
We pull away from each other and she wipes away my tears with the cuff of my sweatshirt she’s wearing. She smiles a sad, understanding smile. My mother rubs my hand and squeezes my arm. I hand out candy bars and trail mix. My mom doesn’t take anything but Nikki does. She eats as she fills things out and I know she doesn’t even taste it.
“I guess I’m done,” Nikki says. She bites the inside of her cheeks, unsure, like she doesn’t want to leave but doesn’t want to stay.
“So, you need to give the lady the paperwork and you need to say goodbye,” my mom says, soft and gentle.
She nods. “I’m scared. I don’t want to.”
“I know. But you don’t want to regret not saying goodbye when you had the chance,” she encourages her.
“I don’t know what the last thing I said to her was.”
I shake my head.
A flash of recollection crosses her face. “I screamed at her to shut up.” She sits back in her chair, disgusted. She shakes her head and rubs her face. “She usually just goes on and on about what a whore I am and how I made my dad leave by seducing him and that Dexter is my child. She used to dress me up and put makeup on me and show me off to music people. She’d make me sing and sit on guys’ laps while she’d try to get people to produce her next great album. Dexter’s sperm donor was the same as the coffee shop guy, but I was almost eleven and I wasn’t strong or smart enough to know what to do and I couldn’t stop him and he wouldn’t go away. My dad found out what was going on when he came home and took me to the hospital. I had already gotten my first period.” Her eyes are fogged over like she’s playing the movie in her head. “They gave me the abortion pill. I heard them talking about it but I was too young to ask questions and nobody said anything to me.”
I stare at her while she looks far, far away. My heart hurts with rage and sadness and I’m sick with it. I look at my mom and she looks at me.
She takes a deep breath. “I have the medical reports. I kept them because of Dexter, so he will never get to see him or take him. That’s what I needed to get today. I know I probably could have gotten another copy but I don’t know how and I would be really embarrassed.” She stands. “I’m ready.” She walks to the door and to the nurse’s station.
We follow her and my mom puts her arm around my waist and I put mine across her shoulders.
She talks to the lady and takes papers and a business card. She folds them and puts them in the pocket of her sweatshirt, looking young again. She looks at my mom. “I guess I have to say my goodbyes.” She’s unsure and pale, almost green.
“Would you like me to come with you?” she asks.
She nods, her face baby soft and sad.
“Okay.” My mom looks at me. “Will you be okay or do you want to say goodbye too?”
I don’t want to be alone and I want to keep Nikki in my sights.
We go into the room quietly.
“She’s beautiful. I had no idea she was so young and beautiful,” my mom whispers.
She touches her mother’s arm. “She was seventeen when I was born.”
“You look a lot alike. But I can tell you’re made of stronger stuff. You’re bigger and stronger.” She holds Mischa’s hand gently. “I’m going to take good care of you and your brother because mothers do that for mothers, okay?”
Tears run down her cheeks. “I’ve never wanted her to be lonely, that’s why I always stayed and never ran away from home. She was always so afraid of being alone. She had a twin brother named Nikko. They took care of each other. They sang and played music to survive and when that didn’t work she went to her uncle for money and he wasn’t a good man. Her brother was killed when they were sixteen. She was so afraid of being alone,” she weeps.
“She’s sleeping. She doesn’t feel lonely. She’s resting peacefully.”
“Are you sure?” she sobs.
“Yes.”
She cries like a little girl and pets her mother’s long, dark hair for a minute.
She finally wipe away her tears and takes a deep breath. “Okay. I’m ready.” She looks at her, smiling through sad tears. “Spokojnoj nochi, mama.” Her voice shakes. She kisses her forehead. “Do svidaniya.”
It’s the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.
Chapter Thirty-five
Nikki
We’re all quietly sitting in the den, exhausted.
Dexter’s the first to ruin the silence. “What happens now?” His eyes are wide but he’s tired now.
I pick up his little boy hand. “I am your temporary custodian until a social worker and CPS worker come and interview Natalie. They’ll interview everyone who lives here, including you, and then they’ll put you into Natalie and Marc’s foster care. And then they’ll try to adopt you.”
“Then what?”
I breathe deeply again. “Then I have a lot of legal things I need to do and we’ll have to go to court about the adoption.”
“So then they’ll be my mom and dad?”
“If that’s what you want them to be.”
“And Ares and Persephone will be my brother and sister?”
I nod. “But you love me the best, right?” Exhausted tears keep springing to my eyes.
He wraps his skinny little arms around me and I hug him back. “Yes. But Persephone lets me cuss. And Ares let me pee outside.”
“We were on a ride!”
“Everybody should be free to cuss!”
I ignore them and keep hugging him. “I love you. I’m glad you’re safe now. And you’ll have a home and people who can take care of you.” There’s a burning pit of bitter sadness in my heart.
“And you do too, Nikki,” Natalie assures me. “Always.”
I glance at Ares. He smiles an almost imperceptible, reassuring smile.
“Do you want to know about anything else, Dexter?” Natalie asks.
He looks at me. “I’ve heard you talk about my dad. So I wanna know. Is he bad? Does that mean I’m going to be bad too? Will he find me and take me away?”
I smile through more tears. “Don’t you know you were hatched from an egg?”
He squints a dirty look at me. “I heard you. Tell me.”
“No, he’s not a good person. And no, you’re not bad. You can make your own path. My dad and mom were musicians and I’m not,” I say.
“My dad was an asshole and I try not to be,” Ares says quietly and Dexter looks at him with interest.
“And no, he will not take you away. I’ve made sure of it,” I answer him.
He nods, accepting everything. “The best part of her was those little cakes she made for you whenever she woke up. I hate those cakes. But they taste so good. It’s sad I’ll never eat them again.”
Persephone bursts into tears and buries her face in Ares’ chest as he holds her. Tears threaten to overflow and do. Dexter looks around, not sure what he said.
I smile. “I know how to make them. It’s pretty easy.”
He nods. “Good. I’m super tired.”
“Me to
o,” I agree.
“Why don’t we sleep like wolves tonight in the den, all together?” Natalie says, standing. “Let’s get our PJs on and make a big bed.”
I’m so relieved. I’ve been terrified of closing my eyes and seeing her or the blood or hearing her voice. And I don’t want Ares to sleep alone, knowing he saw everything I did.
We all disperse and I follow Persephone into her room to find something to sleep in.
“Do you need a hug?” Persephone asks.
I nod, letting her give me a hug.
“I was nice and hung all your clothes for you, including your masterpiece. My mom made up the guest rooms for you guys but I didn’t think you’d want to be alone for a while.”
More tears. “Thanks. That’s super nice.”
“I know, especially for me.” She kisses my cheek and pulls away to go to her closet. “Who are you going to marry in that dress anyway? Why did you start making it?”
I sit on the bed, too tired to finish the task of changing. “I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to see if I could make myself believe in fairy tales.”
“Did it work?”
I shake my head. “Maybe I’ll give it to you. I don’t want it anymore. It’ll just make me think of her.”
She throws a T-shirt and sweats at me. “You might change your mind.”
“Thanks,” I murmur, numb. I dress and wait for her. We go back out to the den and I lie next to Dexter who’s lying next to Ares and Persephone lies behind me. We turn on some late night show and Natalie comes in with her blanket and pillow and lies on the sofa behind us. She switches off the lights with the remote. “Goodnight everyone, I love you.” She leans over and kisses our foreheads. Persephone is texting someone and doesn’t respond.
Ares punches Dex. “That’s for ratting me out for letting you pee outside.”
“Ow!” He rubs his arm. “Butthead.”
Chapter Thirty-six
Nikki
I feel as though my body has been run over by a truck this morning. Ares pulls my hair gently to wake me.
And it hits me all of a sudden.
My mom is dead.
I look at him questioningly.
“I’m going running. Put on your sports bra and come with me. It’ll feel good,” he whispers. “I’ll be in the kitchen.” He moves, stealthy like a cat.
I want to go back to sleep. But I can’t. My heart is racing with the knowledge that my mother is gone.
My heart hurts. My eyes sting.
But this is also the first day of my life.
This is it.
I can be a runner.
I can design clothes.
I can be a dance instructor.
I can have a boyfriend.
Maybe I can have a family.
I sneak quietly. Persephone and Dex are knocked out and Marc is curled around Natalie sweetly. I go to Persephone’s room to put my sports bra on.
I pull my hair into a loose bun as I walk out to the kitchen.
“Ready?” he whispers.
“I haven’t run since I had to in eighth grade. Please don’t destroy me,” I tell him, pulling on old PE shoes.
“I won’t. That wouldn’t be nice.” He opens the door and hands me a bottle of water and a sweatshirt.
I pull the sweatshirt on and zip it against the cold. I follow him out to the road and start running. I listen to the thump of my feet and the silence of his. I feel air going in and out of my body like it’s supposed to. It’s exhilarating. It feels good to move and feel my muscles stretch and strain.
But now my lungs burn and I slow to walking and drink my water.
“You almost ran a whole mile. That’s good for…” he falters.
I grin. He’s such an asshole. “For being completely non-athletic in every way?” I finish for him.
“Yeah. I mean, I guess you dance,” he acquiesces with a smirk.
“That I do.” I do the Double Dutch Bus for him.
He laughs.
It makes me feel good to hear him laugh.
I walk beside him.
“Did you sleep okay?” he asks, concerned.
I shrug. “I guess. I was afraid I’d have bad dreams but I didn’t dream at all. Once I finally fell asleep. How about you?”
“I always sleep better when you’re around.”
It feels so weird to breathe. It’s like I’ve never actually just breathed before.
“How about everything else?”
It’s hard to put into words. “I have pain in my heart whenever I think about her lying there alone with no life in her forever,” I tell him, quiet, blinking away the sting of tears. “But otherwise I feel weightless.”
“If you need to talk I’ll be here.”
I scoff. “Not for very long.”
“Yeah.”
I take a drink of water and start running again and he follows.
We run the familiar trail next to the stream, stopping at the rock skipping spot. I go to my usual place by the tree while he goes to skip rocks.
“What are you doing? Get over here. You’re doing this too.”
I grin and go over to where he’s standing. “I’ve never skipped rocks before.”
“Oh my God, you’ve missed out on one of the greatest pleasures in life then.” He shows me how and demonstrates himself, the pebble skimming across the water four times. “Now you try.”
I plunk the first three and the fourth one skips once and I squeal in excitement. I do it again and it skips twice. I laugh and cry big alligator tears from nowhere.
He grabs me and kisses me and keeps kissing me. He walks me back and presses me against the tree. I kiss him back while he gets into my clothes, finding his way in, needing me and knowing I need it too. Tree bark digs into my back, his hands fighting through my clothes to grab at my flesh.
I hold onto him, pulling him close and hanging on even after it’s over and my heart breaks. He holds me so tenderly, kissing me softly and squeezing me with his open hands.
“Thank you,” I whisper, catching my breath and sticking to him.
He hugs me and doesn’t let me go as he sets me on my feet and helps me with my clothes. “It was my pleasure.” He kisses my hair, smelling me.
“No, for everything, for being you and helping me and being so understanding and encouraging and everything I want and need. I wish I could say if you don’t come back or you find somebody else, I’ll be happy for you but I can’t. I’ll be devastated.”
He makes a sound of sorrow and we kiss again, loving and hungry.
I taste the salt of his tears as we kiss. I pull myself closer to him and pull my mouth away to see his face, the tears and sorrow. I wipe them away and they keep coming, making his dark eyelashes stick together like a little kid.
He’s looking at me. He’s so weak. “Nikki, I’ve never felt like this before. Never. I don’t want to let go of you. I don’t want to go.”
I shake my head. “I’ll never forgive myself if I let you give up your dreams to stay here with me. You can’t do this right before you leave.” I kiss him, his cheeks and his face.
“I would trade art for you, Nikki.”
“You don’t have to. Do what you have to do.” I hug and kiss him again and hold him until the sick feeling in my stomach goes away. “Do we look like we just made love in the woods?”
“I don’t care though.” He touches my face and puts my hair behind my ear. “Come with me.”
I wipe more of his tears away and stand, looking at him. “I can’t.”
He frowns deeply, his eyes sad. He tilts his chin up, aloof. “Are you hungry?” He pulls away, brushing tree bark off my sweatshirt.
I nod, sick again. “Starving.”
“Okay. I guess we should go back home. We can go out and bring home breakfast for everyone. One good thing about being up and about so early.” He kisses my hair affectionately. “Ready?”
✽✽✽
My phone is vibrating. I drag myself out of sleep
to look at it. Ares is calling. “What?” I ask, half asleep.
“I want to say goodbye to you before everyone else wakes up.”
It’s three thirty.
Persephone is snoring softly.
I couldn’t sleep last night knowing he was leaving in the morning, neither could Persephone. “Okay. I’ll be there in a sec.” I get out of bed, ending the call.
Persephone turns over in her bed and I freeze until she resumes her snoring. I open the bathroom door and close it behind me silently. I open the door to his room. He grabs me in the dark and locks the door. He pulls me into bed with him, covering me with kisses leading into quiet, loving, desperate sex. It just makes me sad and homesick.
Afterwards we lie in each other’s arms, touching each other softly. I run my hands down him. “You have a nice butt, Ares.”
“Thanks. You have nice boobs.”
“Now what?” I ask.
He kisses my cheeks and forehead. “I want to make love to you.”
I squeeze my eyes closed tight. “I love you so much.” Saying it hurts so hard. It feels like all the blood in my heart is being wrung out because I mean it.
He kisses my cheek again. “When we pull apart,” he whispers against me, “after a few days, do you think this haze of love will lift and we’ll forget how great and completely beautiful this was?”
I rub my face on his chest. “I hope so. Otherwise I won’t be able to take it. I won’t be able to get anything done. I’ll be lost in a wave of you. I’ll drown in my tears.” I kiss his face. “I love you so much.”
He holds me, quiet, enjoying my kisses. “Are you going to be okay?”
“I’ll have bad days and good days and other days. Do you love me, Ares? Even though you know things about me?” I’ve been so worried since I said what I said about Dexter’s father. It’s been so long ago and it doesn’t really hurt me anymore. What hurts the most is everything that happened after that. My dad took me with him to New York while he was touring with some band but I didn’t see him, the lady he was with took care of me. He didn’t talk to me like before. I was sad and homesick and called my mother. She told me to come home and that she would fix everything and I believed her enough to come home. When he came back for me, I told him what she told me to tell him and he never came back for me.
Chasing Stars Page 18
