It feels like it could be home. If I wasn’t falling apart I could be happy here.
Chapter Forty-eight
Ares
It’s been five days and I am now passed out across my bed. I smell like stale, unwashed body and I’m covered in paint. I couldn’t sleep while everything was in my head and now I’m able to crash.
A little while more and I can go back home.
All I can think about is my mother’s cooking and Nikki’s smile. And the rest of her body.
My fantasies evolve into hours of fitful dreaming where I’m not sure where fantasy and real-life begin and end. And those dreams evolve into weird and scary dreams I want to wake from and can’t. Something horrible is happening to her and she’s ripped away from me and there’s blood and flesh and her beautiful long hair is ripped away and she’s screaming and it’s the scream that made me run to her at her mother’s house. I remember how it was to hear it and know she needed me to drop everything and save her but it was too late. She’s reaching out to me so I can take something from the safety of her bleeding arms and I know it’s important and precious but I don’t want to take it if I can’t have her too and they’re both ripped away and torn apart right in front of me.
I wake up shaking and sweating. I can hear her screams.
I get out of bed, trying to shake the disorientation and wrongness. I haven’t eaten or slept or showered or done anything in days except paint and sketch and work on graphics. There are paintings everywhere and it smells like wet paint and sweat and me, unwashed. I pick up my phone and call her.
“Hey. How are you?” She tries to sound chipper.
The sound of her voice makes me weak and I sit on the edge of my bed again.
“Ares?”
I clear the anxiety from my throat. “Yeah. Are you okay?”
“You sound horrible. What’s happened?”
“I’ve been working.” I take a breath. “I don’t know what day it is.”
She laughs and it sounds like glitter. “It’s Tuesday. Are you okay?”
“No.” I shake my head, closing my eyes. “I had the worst nightmare of my life about you and I want to come home.” I bite my cheeks, focusing on the sound of her voice.
“I’m fine. Your mom has been sending me home with leftovers. Dex is fine. He’s happy the court thing is over. My weekend dancing was good. The pregnant lady who’s training me at the firm is a total bitch and I hate her so I’ll be glad when she leaves. It’s like she thinks I’m slow or something. I’m smarter than I look, you know?”
“Yeah. I’ve always hated her too.” I open my eyes and look at my painting of us. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“What was the dream about?” she asks, sounding so lovely and caring and so soothing.
“Bad stuff.” I tell her about it. The whole thing. I rub my face and look around. The sleep fog is clearing. She hasn’t replied. “Nikki?” I frown.
“Yeah.” She sounds sad. “That sounds horrible.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah. How many paintings did you finish?”
“Sixteen. I had all the sketches already. I think they’re the best I’ve ever done. I can’t wait for you to see them.” I take a deep breath. “I think sleep-deprivation and paint and body fumes got to me.”
“You should get some fresh air and a shower.”
“Yeah. I love you. Be careful, okay?”
“Yeah. I’m good. Your mama is trying to take care of me.”
“Good. I have a painting for your bedroom if you want it.”
“Ooh. Will I like it?” she flirts.
“I don’t know. I like it.”
“I have two. One can be your work room while you’re here, if you’d like? I have all my sewing stuff in there.”
A rush of happiness pushes through me. I can paint and sketch while she sews. “Thanks. That’s awesome of you.”
“Why? I thought we were in it together?”
“Yeah. I’m happy.” I run my hand through my greasy hair.
“I gotta go back. Bitch face will be looking for me,” she says.
“Nikki, be safe, okay?” I frown.
“Yes. I’m always careful, sweetface.”
I blush at the sweet name and close my eyes. “Okay. Goodnight, Nikki.” It’s so much easier to say goodnight than goodbye.
“Goodnight Ares.”
I call Linda to tell her the paintings are done. I open the blinds and windows, letting my eyes adjust to brightness. I turn the lights on and clean up, grab some clean clothes and soap and head for the shower and after that to the Laundromat.
My stomach is beyond grumbling when I come back. I look up Emma’s number and text her. Food?
Thai?
I grimace. Not my favorite. Chinese?
Boring. Ok. Be up in a minute. Is Anja there?
IDK.
Find out. Tell her I’m bringing food.
I roll my eyes and toss my phone on the bed, throwing myself next to it. I cover my eyes with my arm and try to escape into fantasies of home.
“I had no idea guys actually did that.”
I wake up, my heart racing. I pull my hand out of my pants, leaving behind a cold spot and half erection. I glare at Emma and look at the clock. An hour has passed.
I sit, slouching with my elbows on my knees, trying to get the sleep out of myself.
“Common room?”
I nod.
“Are you okay?”
I nod again and follow her out to the common room. Sebastian and Anja come out of Sebastian’s room, smelling food. Emma unpacks everything and holds her hand out. “Pay up. Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free.”
I dig in, ignoring her.
Sebastian pays and sits. They all watch me eat like an animal.
“You okay?” Sebastian asks.
I nod slowly. But I don’t feel okay. I want to go home.
“He’s mooning over his girl back home. That’s his moony face.”
I glare at her and watch her get scared and retreat into her sweatshirt. I lock eyes with Sebastian and look away at my food.
“What’s up?”
I let out a breath and tell them about everything. Almost everything.
Anja puts her hand on my arm and squeezes. “You should go home and be with her. As soon as you can.”
“I think so too,” I agree.
“You have the opening in Seattle soon anyway, right? What are you waiting for?” Emma shrugs, piling her plate high with seconds.
“You’ll miss the marketing lecture,” Sebastian warns.
Emma waves him off. “I’ll send you my notes.”
I finish eating. I throw my stuff away and hurry to my room to book my flight.
Chapter Forty-nine
Ares
Robert lifts his chin at me, walking over to meet me. “Hey, wassup, man? How you doin’? What’s up?” He shakes my hand and hugs me and looks at my face. “Is Persephone okay?”
“I haven’t talked to her. I’m here to pick up Nikki and go to my house to surprise her little brother and my parents.”
“Oh, yeah. Cool.” He tries to sound casual. “I think she just started her last set so she’ll be off in about twenty minutes. You haven’t talked to Persephone? She hasn’t returned my calls. You know about the thing, right?”
I raise an eyebrow, my fingers curling. I didn’t know he had anything to do with it but now I see him for who he is and he’s just like the other guy with a better job and social skills. “I didn’t know it was you.”
He puts his palms up and takes a step back. “Hey, I don’t know if it was either, mate. She said she didn’t know.”
I nod because I get it now. “I haven’t talked to her at all. You’ll have to ask Nikki.” What a piece of shit.
“You know, Persephone is not just another girl to me.” He looks at me, sincere.
“I think if she’s not returning your calls she’s probably trying to take some time to figure thing
s out.” I shrug, wanting him to shut his face before I kill it.
“You want to watch her dance or do you want a drink? What can I do for you?” He walks with me, putting a wristband on me and taking me inside.
“I’ll watch and wait for her. I’ll have a root beer.”
He laughs. “Okay. I’ll send you out a root beer.” He sits me at a cocktail table.
I look around. There’s a large dance floor in the middle of the room, the bar is behind me and there are several cocktail tables along either side. There’s a stage for the DJ at the other end and four platforms with poles for dancers.
And there’s my girl.
Her hair is short now. She looks so much older and sexier. Her makeup is dark and smoky instead of fun and colorful.
I can’t believe she’s mine.
If she ever lets me have her.
I watch her body move seamlessly from song to song, like she’s liquid. She and the other girl dance together like art. I didn’t think I could truly want her more until now. She’s dancing like her body is liquid sex, hitting song after song without missing a beat. Her pants are so skin-tight I can see the muscles in her thighs work as she moves, playing with her hair and touching her body, moving her hips, sweating with the girl she’s dancing with, their contrasting skin the only thing keeping them from melding together.
She smiles at the other girl as their last song comes on and they announce the girls are done and it’s last call and everyone stops to watch them, cheering and whistling. I have a rush of pride seeing how good she is.
At the end of the song the platforms go black and I don’t see them until they’re walking over.
The girl gestures towards me to Nikki, cautious like I might be a creep and I’m glad.
She looks over discreetly and I have butterflies as I stand, watching recognition cross her face. She breaks out in a run, crying. I grab her and pull her and she wraps her arms and legs around me.
She’s so real in my arms. She smells like home.
She’s way too skinny.
She touches my hair and kisses my neck.
I hold her tightly, breathing in her familiar smell.
“Hey, break it up. People are going to expect lap dances,” the girl says as she passes us to return to the room behind the bar.
We look at each other. She has tears in her eyes. “What are you doing here?”
I touch her short, shiny hair, taking her in. “I had to come home. I had to see you.” I hug her again, tight.
The girl walks back out and holds Nikki’s jacket and backpack out to her. Nikki takes it and the roll of cash she holds out. “See you Thursday, lady. Have fun with your man.”
Nikki leads me to her crappy, old car. It’s hard to let go so we can get in. I smile at her and hug her tighter and kiss her, feeling the warmth and realness of her skin under my fingers. I feel new and weak. She looks so different. Everything about her is gold and glowing. I didn’t know she could ever be so gold and I feel it everywhere she touches me.
I’m so deeply in love with her.
I should have bought her flowers.
She touches my chest. “How was your flight? Are you sleepy? Did you want to go to your parents’? Does Persephone know you’re home? Are you hungry?”
I laugh. “Yes, my flight was okay. I tried to sleep but couldn’t so, yeah, I’ll probably be able to sleep and get back on west coast time. If you don’t take me home with you I’m taking the next flight back.” I grin, kissing her quickly. She tastes and feels the same. “My parents don’t know I’m home yet. Persephone doesn’t either. I’m pretty starving, yes. And it looks like you are too. I thought my mom was feeding you.”
“Ugh.” She rolls her eyes and hugs me tight. “I’m so happy you’re here. You finished everything you had to, right?” She looks like she’s having a hard time believing I’m here.
“I didn’t get my grades but I have nothing to worry about.” I walk her to her car door and push her in. “Let’s go.” I close the door and walk around to get in myself.
Who knew seeing someone’s familiar fingers could be so heart-stirring?
We get food and go to her new apartment. I kiss her all the way up the stairs, my hands in her shirt while she unlocks the door. We drop the food on the table by the door. My hands fumble over the zipper along her hip and she comes over to help me, getting out over her top and bottoms in one shimmy. And now my clothes as we make our way to her bedroom in the dark. I’ve never been so at home, feeling her in every pore of every piece of my body. It’s better than I left it. It’s so much better.
Chapter Fifty
Nikki
I smell coffee brewing in my dreams.
I smile in my foggy half-asleepness.
It wasn’t all a dream.
Good.
I spread my arms out to try to find him but he’s not there, he’s obviously in the kitchen making coffee.
I blink myself fully awake and sit, tucking my blanket around my naked self. I rub my face, listening to movement and clatter in the kitchen.
Some of the numbness has melted away and I feel happy.
I roll myself out of bed and pull on his T-shirt and undies from last night and stumble my way across the hall. He’s dressed in flannel lounge pants and a T-shirt and his hair is crinkly from the braids he had in last night. His feet are bare and he’s cooking at my stove. He looks at me and grins. “Good morning, Courtney Love.”
I give him a dirty look, taking him all in: orgasmically tasty, barefoot and hot in my kitchen. “Please. Courtney Love wishes she looked this good in the morning.” It’s because I slept in my makeup.
“You’re right. You are absolutely gorgeous.” He slides over and kisses me quickly and goes back to the stove. “You had no food so I borrowed your car to go to the store.”
“Yeah, I haven’t got the hang of grocery shopping yet and your mom’s been enabling me by giving me leftovers.” I go do the bathroom thing and wash my face and come back as quick as I can. I pour two cups of coffee and fix them with cream and sugar.
He smiles. “She loves it. You’re like the kid she’s always wanted.” He takes the pancakes out of the pan and onto the plate and ladles the next four.
“I can’t believe you’re in my kitchen cooking me breakfast.” It’s like a dream come true.
I sit on the counter and watch him while sipping my coffee.
He looks over at me, looking sweet and shy with a happy little smile lifting the corner of his mouth. He’s gorgeous. It’s wrong to love him so much.
We move to my little table to eat and I can’t break my eyes from him, in pajamas in my kitchen. He’s so big and manly and beefy now. “I can’t believe you’re here and I had you in my bed all night. And you’re so meaty.” I grin, holding my coffee cup to my lips.
“I want you to always sound like you did last night.”
I put strawberries and whipped cream on my pancakes and smile at him because I can’t stop. “What are your plans?”
“I have no plans. I was supposed to come home Friday so I’m completely free ‘til then. I have some proposals I need to work on.”
“Cool.” He sounds like a grown-up. He has “proposals” to work on.
He sighs. “I have a lot of work.” He eats his food slowly, thinking through his to-do list.
“You should chill out and sleep and hang out with me. And I think you should do it with your shirt off.”
He laughs. “Really? I’ve gained so much weight it’s not even funny.” He pinches his stomach.
“You have a man body now, you’re legit. I love it.”
He raises his eyebrows. “Thanks, I guess.”
“You got taller too.”
“You’re making me feel self-conscious.”
“Ok. I’ll stop. But I’m not going to stop looking at you like I want to eat you because I do.” I feel so much better and hopeful. Without him everything is so dismal and dark. And he distracts me from everything I don’t wan
t to think about.
“You should. You aren’t beefy enough.”
“I know! I’m eating all the time! I’ve never had this problem. I’ve had the opposite problem.” I’ve never been skinny. I think this is the skinniest I’ve ever been. I never thought I could be. I never wanted to be.
“I like your opposite problem.”
“It’s probably because Persephone’s not around to make me take her out to eat all the time. And I stopped working at the diner.”
“You should eat.”
“Now you’re making me self-conscious. Is it that bad?”
“I don’t know. Maybe you should take my clothes off so I can see.”
I’m confused for a second and now I remember I’m wearing his clothes. I smile at him. “I think we are going to spend a lot of time barely wearing clothes this week.”
“I think so too,” he agrees. “Let’s go take them off now.” He stands and clears the table.
“I thought you told me to eat.”
“We can come back to it. Let’s go.” He pulls me and pushes me to my bedroom.
Chapter Fifty-one
Ares
Nikki dropped me off on the road leading to my parents’ before she went to work on Friday. My mom screamed when she saw me and then she hugged me and kissed me and cried and fed me like I had been gone five years instead of three months. Marc looked like he might cry too so I hugged him which is a big step for me. He asked me what I’d been eating.
We all sat around the table and they all talked to me about everything and in the end my mother put fresh sheets on my bed while I stood in the doorway, frowning, not knowing exactly how to tell her I wasn’t staying and actually I was leaving soon because I wanted to make sure Nikki had something to eat when she came home.
“There. All fresh and ready for you.” She grins at me, so happy her little boy is home.
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