“Jamie, I couldn’t get anything done!” she said. “Every night I stayed up late, desperate to find out what would happen next.” We’ve had many similar conversations since then. So forget the small talk and go straight for the book talk. It’s an introverted mom’s shortcut to friendship. You’re welcome.
USING GREAT BOOKS TO RAISE GREAT KIDS
Not only can books lead us to friends, but books can actually become friends. Have you ever identified with a character so much, or reread a favorite title so often, that you felt like you knew the person and they knew you, too? Certain characters and authors, like the ones highlighted in this book, have come along at just the right time and mentored me. They’ve shown me what kind of mother I want to be (and don’t want to be—here’s looking at you, Mrs. Bennett), inspired me, and have even warned me, letting me watch poor choices play out without having to experience the negative consequences myself.
Little Men, the sequel to Little Women, influenced our family culture and educational philosophy, and offered me valuable insights about loving and mentoring children as they work through trauma. The aforementioned Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte came along right when I needed to understand myself as an introverted mom. Jane, clearly both an introvert and a highly sensitive person, shows immense strength in the novel as she overcomes one challenge after another in spite of a difficult and sorrow-filled past. This helped me to accept my own personality and to see myself as a powerful woman like Jane.
Books have also helped me raise my children, and I don’t mean parenting books, which sometimes confuse more than they encourage. Reading is one of the best tools introverted moms have in our toolboxes. It offers us a simple way to bond with our babes, not only when they’re little, but all the way through their teens. As an added bonus, it sometimes keeps them quiet—hallelujah!—for ten whole minutes or occasionally even fifteen. Reading aloud knits hearts together like nothing else. Read titles you know your kids will enjoy; read what you enjoy; read to teach lessons without lectures. Read when they love it; read when they hate it. Read while eating or use audiobooks in the car. It doesn’t matter when or where, and it doesn’t have to be every day. Even a few minutes at a time starts to build lifelong memories.
If you don’t know where to begin, check out a guide like Honey for a Child’s Heart, The Read Aloud Family, or my own Give Your Child the World. Many of the titles recommended in the latter helped our family fall in love with new parts of the globe, kindling passions for countries and even history in a way I never imagined. Through read-alouds like Number the Stars, Snow Treasure, and When Hitler Stole Pink Rabbit, my kids developed a strong interest in World War II, one that remains years later as they’ve become teenagers. The love of a good book is contagious in the best of ways, even when it doesn’t always look like it at first. I have proof.
I’ve introduced each of the introverted writers highlighted in this book to my children. Not because some expert advised me to, but just because I couldn’t help myself. I naturally share my favorite things with them: ice cream, Jesus, Anne Shirley, Pride and Prejudice. Priorities, right? We pass on what we love to those we love, but we do so with no guarantees that they will love it too. Some people prefer frozen yogurt to ice cream, some choose not to follow Jesus, and some just don’t think Mr. Darcy is cute. But every once in a while, we get a divine glimpse of our top picks adored by our top people.
For years I shared my love of Anne of Green Gables with my kids. I hooked them first with fun snacks combined with the 1980s miniseries I grew up with. From there we went on to read the book aloud. My two boys enjoyed it, choosing to read more of the series on their own afterward. But my daughter was not a fan. Over time, I let go of any hope that Trishna might grow to love Anne the way I had at her age.
But then the unexpected happened. A few years later I began listening to a newly released audio version of the book whenever we were out in our van, telling the kids it was for me, not them (a covert mama reading tip that works!). The hysterical narration by Rachel McAdams made all of us laugh. Weeks later, Trishna asked if she could read more of the series on audio, letting me know how much she had enjoyed listening to “my” book. Keeping my face completely neutral, even as my heart cheered, I calmly replied, “Sure, I’d be happy to get those if you want them.” Since then she’s devoured all eight books of the series, something I never expected.
I agree with my friend Sarah Mackenzie, creator of the Read-Aloud Revival podcast and author of The Read Aloud Family, who affirms that “the stories we read together act as a bridge when we can’t seem to find another way to connect. They are our currency, our language, our family culture. The words and stories we share become a part of our family identity.”1 So keep reading what inspires you as well as what inspires them; you never know where it will lead.
ON HAVING SENSE AND SENSIBILITY: LESSONS FROM JANE AUSTEN
I wish, as well as everybody else, to be perfectly happy; but like everybody else, it must be in my own way.
SENSE AND SENSIBILITY
Unlike the other authors mentioned within these pages, I only discovered Jane Austen as an adult. Her hilarious insights into human relationships and compelling love stories drew me in as a young mom in need of a break. But it wasn’t until much later that I fully understood how much personality influenced both the writing of her work and the characters within it.
Nearly a decade later, as I read the Bible aloud to my older tweens one day, we reached an Old Testament passage that got us chatting about the rights withheld from women at the time, including the fact that they couldn’t inherit property. Guess where this rabbit trail took us? To Jane Austen. I described her humor as well as her social commentary, and when I showed them a movie clip of awkward Mr. Collins from Pride and Prejudice, they begged for more. That conversation led us to the six-hour BBC miniseries, which then led one of my sons to the full novel and my daughter to the stunning audio version narrated by Rosamund Pike. But why, exactly, have Austen’s stories endured? Why do they appeal to so many, and what can they teach us as introverts?
Jane Austen (1775–1817) grew up in the tiny village of Steventon in southern England. Her world, made naturally small by the time and place in which she lived, shrunk further because of her gender. Her brothers went off to college and ventured overseas, but aside from a brief time with a caretaker as an infant and a short stint later at a boarding school, Jane spent her childhood at home, an introvert surrounded by “good company,” the kind we’re focused on in this chapter: books and friends. Reading filled much of her days, as nothing from her clergyman father’s large library was off-limits. The ideas she discovered there sparked her own creativity and writing projects. Her older sister Cassandra served as confidante and best friend, and the house overflowed with the bustling activity of Mr. Austen’s at-home school for boys. As Jane got older, she loved watching and participating in the plays her brothers occasionally put on at home. And don’t forget the dancing and country balls, which figured both in her novels and in her life.
It is your turn to say something now, Mr. Darcy. I talked about the dance, and you ought to make some kind of remark on the size of the room, or the number of couples.
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE
Jane actively participated in her community, exploring it to the fullest as well as laughing at it behind closed doors. But as with many introverts, she didn’t always fit in. After Jane’s death, her niece Fanny observed that Aunt Jane was “not so refined as she ought to have been from her talent.” Another niece, Anna, suggested that jealousy might have been to blame for why certain extended family members didn’t care for her: “A little talent went a long way . . . and much must have gone a long way too far.”2
It is thought that Jane Austen may fit into the Myers-Briggs type indicator as an INTJ—the introverted type considered “The Architect: an imaginative and strategic thinker, with a plan for everything.”3 The “T” in that stack of letters stands for Thinking, as opposed to “F” for Fee
ling, which describes the other three introverted authors mentioned in this book. This doesn’t mean that Jane lacked strong emotions, however. It has more to say about how she made decisions, leaning toward objective principles and facts over personal concerns and sentiments. This distinction helps us understand Jane’s writing, her satirical sense of humor, and the fun she sometimes poked at her more emotional characters.
And sometimes I have kept my feelings to myself, because I could find no language to describe them in.
SENSE AND SENSIBILITY
Whether she consciously intended to or not, Jane wove introversion into much of her work. This has even been documented in a study by McGill University in Montreal, the results of which were outlined in a blog post entitled “Why Are Jane Austen’s Novels So Popular? Her Characters Are Introverts.” After examining over six hundred novels, researcher Andrew Piper discovered that “one of the unique contributions that women writers make in the novel’s rise in the 19th century is the development of uniquely introverted characters.” And surprise, surprise—Austen’s novels lead the way in this trend. Piper goes on to explain, “this means . . . her protagonists tend to spend considerably more time thinking or observing rather than talking or interacting with others.”4 Whether this is due to the limited opportunities available to women at the time or a point Austen was intentionally making about the inner depth of her characters, we get to decide for ourselves.
I was quiet, but I was not blind.
MANSFIELD PARK
Publishers first printed Jane’s books without any name attached, the author simply described as “A Lady.” Only after her sad death at age forty-one did her older brother Henry pen a biographical note to readers crediting Jane as the writer. Since that time her influence has slowly and steadily grown. As John Mullen, a professor of Modern English Literature at University College London, has explained, “there was absolutely no reason for her to become famous—except from the fact she’s a genius.”5 Scholars and flocks of new fans alike continue to discover that genius for themselves. As for me, I agree with Jane that “if a book is well written, I always find it too short.” And the world agrees that all of Austen’s books, as well as her life, fit into this “over-too-soon” category.
INTROVERTED MOM TAKEAWAYS FROM JANE AUSTEN
Don’t take life too seriously.
In her novels and surviving letters, Jane’s humor comes through loud and clear, even on the most serious of topics. This is a reminder I regularly need as an introverted mom in the thick of life at home—to just lighten up. Funny movies and laugh-out-loud video clips help me with this!
“There is nothing like staying home for real comfort.”
These words, spoken ironically by Mrs. Elton in Emma, represent the cry of every introverted heart! So much of Austen’s writing discusses the importance of home and how frail life becomes when we think we might lose ours.
Books enlarge our imagination, thereby enlarging our world.
This goes for moms and kids! Jane’s earthly corner may have been small by modern-day standards, but the world of her imagination was not. Let’s remember this during the years we spend caring for littles, allowing books to take us places we might never visit otherwise.
Suspend judgment.
Austen’s novels remind us to pause before we pass judgment, to look beyond the superficial and surface level. Situations and people are not always as they first appear. I find this helpful to keep in mind when it comes to my children’s behavior and my attitude toward them as well.
We might never know our full impact on the world, but that doesn’t mean we haven’t made one.
Mothers need to carry this beautiful truth as we go about the ordinary details of our ordinary lives. Jane’s short life was unremarkable on the surface, yet her impact has continued.
WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT JANE? CHECK OUT:
•Her most popular / well-known piece: Pride and Prejudice (published in 1813, when she was thirty-seven)
•The first full-length work she published: Sense and Sensibility (published in 1811, when she was thirty-five)
•Something a little different: Lady Susan, a novella written as a series of letters—one of the first mature pieces Jane wrote as a young adult (she was around age nineteen)
•This work about her: Jane Austen: A Life by Claire Tomalin
REFLECTIONS FOR INTROVERTED MOMS
Books Have Been My Counselors
They keep me company through late nights,
never too tired to answer my call.
Giving helpful guidance right when I need it,
they overflow with wisdom and experience.
They’ve infused joy into mundane hours,
hard seasons when I didn’t know if I could go on.
Helped me forget and overcome at the same time,
taught lessons without ever scolding me.
Laura saw me through elementary school,
Maud through the fun of seventh grade,
Louisa through the sad tumults of eighth,
Jane through the crazy of early motherhood.
They inspired me to dream of writing,
to dare imagine someone to love.
Books showed value in being different,
understood me when no one else could.
When I left home, married, crossed oceans,
I packed two suitcases to take along.
Filling one with treasured paperbacks,
I brought friends by my side into great unknowns.
Today I see them on the shelf still:
a welcome, a reminder, a coming home.
They have a life all their own, of course,
but reveal something of mine as well.
On other shelves, stacked upright or shoved in,
the mountain of titles I’ve read to the children.
A tapestry of words woven over and around,
to keep them warm no matter where they roam.
They’ll carry them on the inside,
narratives and memories deep within.
I take comfort that even when I can’t go along,
books will be their counselors, too.
Each page its own story, yet forever part of ours.
Reflections from Introverted Moms
DO YOU HAVE A BOOK OR AUTHOR THAT HAS BECOME LIKE A GOOD FRIEND AND MENTOR TO YOU OVER THE YEARS?
I love Frances Hodgson Burnett’s writing. I feel secure knowing I’m in for a peaceful read.
RACHEL, ALABAMA
Most people only know of A Wrinkle in Time, but Madeleine L’Engle is definitely my favorite author. I have read the majority of her books. Forty-five of them are sitting on my shelf. I love her fiction and nonfiction as well as her children’s and adult books. She once said that she refused to replace difficult words with easier ones in her children’s books. She would rather her readers learn a new word than dumb it down. I respect that. She was an introvert too!
AMY, FLORIDA
I have turned to Sally Clarkson’s books so often for encouragement as a mother, and to Jane Austen as a hiding place when life is overwhelming. I have also drawn a lot of comfort from reading aloud to my children. We went through a very difficult time, and sitting on the couch cuddling a child and reading was soothing to me, whilst they also received from me when I had no emotional / mental energy to give out of my own. We read The Railway Children and the Little House books in this period.
EMMA, SCOTLAND
My favorite author for years now has been Emily P. Freeman. I feel like she looks straight into the heart of me. Her books (Grace for the Good Girl, Simply Tuesday, and A Million Little Ways) have given me life! I had been trying for so long to be the overachieving extrovert I thought God wanted me to be, but through Emily’s encouragement, I stopped trying to fake being someone I’m not, slowly began to accept who I really am, and now I find joy and worship daily in simply being true to how God made me.
AMBER, FLORIDA
Elizabeth Goudge is
my favorite author of all time. I have every one of her books, many of which are now out of print. Here is her philosophy: “As this world becomes increasingly ugly, callous and materialistic it needs to be reminded that the old fairy stories are rooted in truth, that imagination is of value, that happy endings do, in fact, occur, and that the blue spring mist that makes an ugly street look beautiful is just as real a thing as the street itself.”
CAROLE, OKLAHOMA
I would say Jan Karon. Her Mitford series has been such a gentle read and a powerful encouragement in my faith. I have read all her books . . . eight times? More? It’s like coming home. I love the humor she weaves through them, the friendship, the ministry. Her stories and characters go against the grain of the world: the hurried, loud, shocking grain of the world. I’m glad you asked! I never put this in words. I think I may have to pull them back out again.
SARA, NORTH CAROLINA
CHAPTER 8
feel a prayer
ON CONNECTING WITH GOD AS AN INTROVERT
Why must people kneel down to pray? If I really wanted to pray I’ll tell you what I’d do. I’d go out into a great big field all alone or in the deep, deep woods and I’d look up into the sky—up—up—up—into that lovely blue sky that looks as if there was no end to its blueness. And then I’d just feel a prayer.
L. M. MONTGOMERY, ANNE OF GREEN GABLES
Have you ever made a commitment to give your life to Jesus Christ?”
“I don’t think that’s any of your business.”
She was right. It wasn’t.
Let me back up. As a teenager I dreamed of serving God as a missionary full-time. I longed to make a difference, to live out my faith in a way that clearly demonstrated Christ’s love. When I was fourteen, I had the opportunity to do so short-term—a chance to travel on my first airplane, to the Caribbean, for ten nights over Christmas break. Before you picture me sipping cold drinks beside the beach, however, let me assure you it was not that kind of getaway. We stayed in cabins with concrete floors and metal roofs, and I remember someone warning me to avoid the large, poisonous caterpillars that occasionally crossed the floor.
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