1. WHOOPS—I’M LATE, AGAIN!
This strategy works great for missing out on the social chitchat that precedes church services. (Note: Sadly, this technique may not work for Type-A introverts who feel equally uncomfortable being late, or those like me who have extraordinarily punctual children, or those whose churches sneakily place greeting times smack in the middle of the service.)
2.WHEN YOU GOTTA GO, YOU GOTTA GO.
Not even the Lord can argue with bladders; he created them!
3.BEGIN TO BREASTFEED YOUR BABY APPROXIMATELY FIVE MINUTES BEFORE GREETING TIME.
Nobody will come anywhere near you, and they’ll avoid eye contact as well.
4.IF YOU’VE NEVER BEEN SLAIN IN THE SPIRIT, NOW’S A GREAT TIME TO TRY IT OUT.
Many people find charismatic Christians extremely frightening, so you’re guaranteed privacy. Also consider muttering to yourself in tongues for dramatic emphasis.
5.STRATEGICALLY SIGN UP.
Pass and collect the offering plates, join the band or choir, hide in the tech booth, distribute bulletins—whatever gives you an assigned role and eliminates awkward small talk.
6.MY GOODNESS, I’VE NEVER BEEN SO THIRSTY IN ALL MY LIFE!
This is the perfect moment to get a drink of water or take your parched child out for one. The coffee pots in the lobby are also free during this “intermission” in the service.
7.THE “WHERE, OH WHERE, IS MY PEN?” OR OTHER HARD-TO-FIND OBJECT IN YOUR PURSE STRATEGY.
You really need it right now! Intently dig through your bottomless purse one object at a time. (Note: To ensure success, do this with a focused facial expression, keeping your head down until greeting time has safely passed.)
8. AHA, FOUND IT!
If you still need to kill a couple of minutes, grab that pen and begin to underline or write notes and prayer requests on your church bulletin as if your life depended on it. The leaders are always begging you to devote attention to the church’s current events, aren’t they?
9. WALK WITH PURPOSE.
Look important as you stroll vigorously down the aisle and out into the vestibule when greeting time begins. You’ll give off an air that you’re far too important for common chitchat and have somewhere urgent to be. Add a crying baby to make this method even more effective.
10. USE YOUR FAMILY AS A HUMAN SHIELD.
Strategically surround yourself with them so you’ll be guaranteed familiar hands to shake and hugs to give and receive. (Note: Never allow your children to grow up and leave home so that you will secure the longevity of your human shield. After all, you brought them into the world, so it’s the least they can do to repay you.)
Okay, okay—I guess church services aren’t all about us, are they? So let’s suck it up, fellow introverts: shake those hands, say hello, chitchat with smiles on our faces. Let’s also sit in the same spot every week, guaranteeing less awkward greetings as time goes by and we get to know those who sit around us. Do your best, and accept that some Sundays—well, when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Reflections from Introverted Moms
HOW DOES BEING AN INTROVERT IMPACT THE WAYS IN WHICH YOU CONNECT WITH GOD BEST?
A journal, a cup of coffee, and a more academic study of Scriptures suit my introverted learning style. I also find rest and peace in solitude and quiet to meditate and chew on the passages I’m reading (no music).
JULIE, PENNSYLVANIA
I experience the biggest shifts and “hear” better in solitude.
KRISTA, CANADA
Introverts tend to feel and see everything, and I think I feel God and see God much more in witnessing his creation. I can see God when he works together over a long period of time. I can accept quietness and stillness without being too worried. I can trust that he’s doing what he’s doing even if I haven’t felt like I’ve been in communication.
KATIE, MICHIGAN
Connecting with God is a very personal thing for me. As an introvert, the less attention on me, the better. My communications with God are usually quiet and not noticeable to others around me. Much of the way I worship, through prayer and Scripture reading, is done when I’m alone, or done in my heart where no one can see. I sometimes wonder how others at church perceive me, as I sit calmly and quietly through a church lesson that may have everyone else in tears from feeling the Spirit. Oh, I’m feeling it, but those warm, fuzzy, engulfing feelings of being close to God are just happening on the inside.
AMANDA, CALIFORNIA
I connect with God when I’m in the shower! It just seems more honest that way. I am, literally, naked before him and can pour out my heart. And he speaks to me there. I’ve gotten answers to many questions and solutions to problems. It’s a great place for intercession, too.
CAROLE, OKLAHOMA
I think there are times when being introverted makes it harder to connect with God, especially as a busy mom. When I finally get the solitary, quiet space I need, I have so much processing to do that it takes a while before my mind is clear enough to engage in prayer or any other spiritual practice. Also, in corporate settings, it takes a lot of discipline to tune out all the people around and just worship or pray.
JUDY, IDAHO
CHAPTER 9
as the years pass
ON WATCHING YOUR FAMILY GROW UP
As the years pass, I am coming more and more to understand that it is the common, everyday blessings of our common everyday lives for which we should be particularly grateful.
LAURA INGALLS WILDER, WRITINGS TO YOUNG WOMEN ON WISDOM AND VIRTUE
I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I just seem to want to read all the time.”
I stood in the midst of one of those magical parenting moments. The ones that come along rarely, that you hold onto always. And this one took me full circle, back to another world.
The spring sun blared heavy on the porch-style swing, the same one the kids had sat on in years past, their little legs pumping hard to make it go as high as possible. Now they sat properly, feet on the ground, cups of ice cream in hand, an ironic celebration after leaving the dentist with a “no cavity” report. Several years ago, when we lived down the street, Wentworth’s Homemade Ice Cream became our favorite treat spot, a family-owned establishment open year-round (except on Sundays) with a grassy area, gazebo, picnic tables, and red wooden swing in the back for warm months. I used to bring the kids to Wentworth’s on special occasions or on desperate “must get out of house now” days when we needed to kill an hour and this introverted mama deserved ice cream. After receiving our orders, I’d watch my littles take turns swinging, one child pushing as another one or two went for a ride. I’d try to prevent anyone from falling off, arguing, or melting down over the size of a sibling’s scoop compared to their own.
But this day I had returned with three teenagers, and the contrast startled me. Trishna and I sat together on the swing, holding our cones, as she discussed her love of reading longer and more complex books. Jonathan offered encouragement, sharing thoughts about titles he’d recently finished. Not wanting to be left out, Elijah chimed in, asking permission to read certain fantasy titles his older brother had already completed. One dozy bumblebee paced back and forth, making note of our book recommendations while keeping time with our swing. In short, it was the culmination of all I used to imagine when I had taken three rowdy preschoolers to the same spot years before.
Back then, often overcome with worry, I wondered how this experiment could ever work out. Weary to the bone, I clutched at the good moments while secretly convinced I was screwing up, so busy with daily details that I couldn’t see past the all-consuming phase of raising young kids. Today, however, I can make out the distant haze of the future, its outline just visible over the horizon. A twenty dollar sugar investment at Wentworth’s brought the picture a tad more into focus. I pulled out of the parking lot with a bittersweet lump in my throat, grateful for the inspiration, nostalgic over the passing of time. I now find myself clinging to memories of p
udgy, ice-cream-covered cheeks even as I watch my teens take baby steps into a new world.
DECISIONS, DECISIONS: WHAT ABOUT SCHOOL AND WORK?
Small, nervous children with backpacks huddled beside equally nervous moms and dads on the corner, but my five-year-old stood at my side, watching from the upstairs window. As other families counted down to the first day of their children’s school career, we made a decision that both excited and frightened me: to homeschool. Five-year-old Trishna had only been a part of our family for one year, yet it was already time to think of school. Family and unconditional love were still the most important lessons she needed to learn, so the idea of her spending more daylight hours away from us than with us didn’t feel right. I also loved the freedom I imagined home education could offer. I had no idea at the time that we’d continue to do it for more than a decade. I only knew it was the next right step, one made after several public and private school visits, website research, and a ton of “Help me, Jesus” prayers.
It often goes like this, doesn’t it? The early days of motherhood swim together in a blur, diaper changes and sleep deprivation scrambling our minds much like the eggs we swirl together as part of the breakfast rotation. Then suddenly, after weeks, months, or years, decisions thrust themselves upon us: Are we going back to work? What about daycare, and soon after, school? We no longer have solely ourselves to consider; now little ones will be impacted by our life choices. For introverted moms, issues like school and work can feel even more complicated to muddle through. Before we attempt to dive in, let me state outright that I do not believe there are any one-size-fits-all answers to these questions. Though I run a homeschooling blog, I don’t think home education is right for every family, child, or introverted mother. The same goes for work and other big choices life throws our way.
On the surface it might seem that as an introvert, I’d be first in line to sign my kids up for traditional school. Imagine the hours of quiet! Time to get something done without distraction, to recharge with a book or a nap, to write in peace, to have tea with a friend. I could totally get into that. Traditional school can also be a good fit if both parents have outside-the-home jobs, if you have a tight community that centers around a local school, or if there’s an alternative school with a philosophy your family loves. Sometimes a clearly defined split between school hours and home hours suits introverted moms best, allowing you to focus fully on your kids when they’re home, knowing you have a part of the day reserved for other work.
Yet I’ve found that home education, or some sort of hybrid that includes it, can also work surprisingly well for introverted mothers. It allows you to design your own schedule, creating a learning routine that works for your unique family and takes into account your personal needs. You miss the daily morning rush out the door, which is stressful for everyone and can especially drain introverts. There’s no homework to squeeze into busy afternoons and evenings. It’s a more holistic lifestyle in many ways because of its flexibility. And don’t forget the chance to avoid awkward parent / teacher conferences, fund-raisers, and the pressure to sign up for classroom duties.
What about returning to work? Some moms seem to just know what they want to do, some need time to figure it out, and some may be compelled in one direction or another based on their life situation. In my case, though I didn’t plan to homeschool from the start, I did hope to stay home with my young kids. I craved the slower pace a life at home could offer and the ability to craft our family culture without dividing my energy between home and a job.
But going back to work can also be right for introverted mothers, giving them an identity outside of “Mom,” providing opportunities for adult interaction in the midst of otherwise child-filled days, contributing to the family income, and, as Rebecca from California found, gently pushing you out of your comfort zone. She shared the following on social media:
I worked at least part-time until my third was born in 2015. I feel like staying home has made me more introverted, or maybe more aware of my introversion. Working pushed me out of my shell. The motivation to get up and dress professionally and engage with adults about things unrelated to my family at least a couple of times a week was good for me. I wouldn’t give up the opportunity to be home with my kids, but I do see that working had some value for me, other than the paycheck.
Whether you’ll thrive or not in a job has a lot to do with the type of role it is and how much control you have over your hours and position. Sign me up for mama writer any day, but make me answer phones as a receptionist, and I might just strangle you with my tightly curled telephone cord. (Wait, do they even have those anymore?) Or I might go into the bathroom once in a while to wipe away a tear and feel sorry for myself, my preferred technique during the few months I worked as a receptionist, two decades ago. This is why working from home, starting a side business, or otherwise creating your own flexible gig can be a good fit, allowing you to develop a job that fits both who you are and what your family needs. If that’s not an option, look for a quiet role that connects you with others one-on-one and avoids overwhelming amounts of people time when possible.
When you finally accept that there’s no guaranteed way to make important life decisions, it’s both freeing and frightening. How often do I long for a proven formula instead of trusting God and having the courage to make a choice? Traditional school, alternative school, or homeschool? Stay at home, work from home, or work outside the home? Can I just let you know now, it doesn’t really matter which you choose? Here’s all that matters:
Paying attention.
As you make a decision and move forward, stay aware of how it’s affecting everyone, including yourself. How is your family responding? What’s going on beneath the surface? It isn’t a mistake to try something, allow for transition time, and observe what happens. As long as you keep paying attention, you’ll be fine.
Staying open to change.
No status quo, no “everyone’s doing it this way,” can get us where we need to be as a family. We make our best decision now, while acknowledging that seasons come and go. We have to be willing to change everything, even when it’s hard—like moving from home education to traditional school (or vice versa), or moving from a job outside the home to being a stay-at-home mom (or vice versa). God might call us to face our biggest fears, to try things we never thought we’d try. And later, we may find ourselves called to change back again. It’s a wild adventure. It’s life as mom.
Putting relationships above our to-do lists.
Adoption taught our family this lesson early on, which has been such a gift. When you adopt, you understand that bonding is your number-one priority. Having that experience as a new mom has helped me extend it to other aspects of life as my kids get older. Whenever we press pause on our “get-it-done” lists in order to deal with a heart issue, we follow the example of Jesus himself, who always put hearts first.
ON HOW IT GETS EASIER, BUT ALSO HARDER
A herd of adorable young cousins, followed by their busy-24/7 parents, rushed past us, but Steve and I sat peacefully at the outdoor dining table with our older crew. We quietly laughed, remembering the many years when we were the ones up and down constantly, attending to a runny nose, administering a wipe on the toilet, or intervening in a toddler shouting match.
We recently returned from our summer trip to England, Scotland, and Ireland, the one I mentioned back in chapter 6. While there, we caught up with Steve’s siblings, all of whom have young kids. By comparison, our life with three teenagers seemed like a breeze! On the airplane journey over, they enjoyed their own movies and occupied themselves with reading, eating, and chatting. We overcame jet lag easily, since we could sleep in as needed, knowing the kids could take care of themselves. I could even announce that Mom needed a nap or an hour to work.
As my children have become older, parenting has certainly become simpler in many ways. For one thing, my kids now understand the basics of introversion and extroversion. We talk about each personali
ty type’s differences, which reflect how God created us. The physically demanding years have ended, the volume has dialed down a little, and even though we homeschool, I have more margin than ever before. Where once the daily cleaning and cooking rested mainly on my shoulders, my three teens handle laundry, meals, and chores like pros.
Yet I find these years also squeeze my introverted, highly sensitive heart in ways I didn’t expect. So much seems at stake, and these days feel so important, especially since I know they will vanish in a flash. At one point the active years of motherhood stretched endlessly ahead, but presently I can glimpse the marathon’s finish line. Perhaps most surprisingly, however, I realize I am no longer the one running. My new position is coach on the sidelines. It’s their race from now on.
As the idea of my children branching out on their own looms ahead, I see all that we still lack, the what-ifs thrusting me back into the arms of Jesus. He reminds me what we need now is what we’ve needed since the beginning: love and grace. For when hormones take over and foresight is lacking. For when Mommy just can’t manage another word. For when decisions about technology need to be made and boundaries must be set. For when any of us lose our temper and overreact.
The key to rocking the teen years as an introverted mother is the same as when the children were preschoolers: seek God and do the next right thing. Watching my children mature into young adults, I understand the truth of Laura Ingalls Wilder’s quote at the beginning of this chapter like never before: “As the years pass, I am coming more and more to understand that it is the common, everyday blessings of our common everyday lives for which we should be particularly grateful.”
These growing bodies, still seated around my breakfast table. These detailed, in-person conversations. These smiles, giggles, scowls, and even heartaches—all of which add up to equal our life, here, together. When my children exit this front door to go elsewhere, I want them to want to return, knowing that unconditional love awaits them. I remind myself that in the future, when I have all the quiet I could ask for, I will miss these ordinary days. And that knowledge helps me get up and once again offer my imperfect best to whatever this imperfect morning might bring.
Introverted Mom Page 12
