Also, keep in mind that we often view happiness through our own cultural lens. While Asian cultures tend to value fitting in as the quality that predicts individual happiness, Western cultures tend to value standing out. But researchers have found that the following four activities improve happiness cross-culturally: exercise, sleep, growth / achievement, and social connection.5 So if you’re not sure where to start in your own pursuit, start there. Stay in bed longer (you have my permission!), go for a walk, learn something new, spend an hour with a friend. Do it all guilt-free, recognizing that “if Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”
And when one or more of these activities just isn’t possible? Release them guilt-free as well. You’re doing the best you can. For years, I agonized over the fact that I couldn’t fit much exercise into my days. When I had my first baby, I could easily put him in a stroller and get out for a walk. But when that baby turned into the curious toddler I mentioned earlier in this chapter, and when one toddler became two, I thought I’d never walk again. A quick stroll around one block could take half an hour, and nobody wanted the confines of the stroller. One day I returned home with two screamers, one under each arm, dressed in full snowsuits. They had been excited to go for a walk, then changed their minds. At least that time I did get exercise, as well as plenty of attention from passing cars—not exactly what an introverted mom longs for. I spent the rest of the day in a weary fog, thinking that my freedom as a woman had officially ended. Looking back, I wish I had cut myself some slack, appreciated how much work I was doing, honored my exhaustion, and taken more naps (because sleep also appears on the happiness list). I wish I had taken the long view, imagined the years ahead. Today it’s simple to tell my kids I’m going for a walk. I can easily leave for twenty or thirty miraculous minutes. Seasons, by their very definition, don’t last forever. That is the comforting nature of them.
Knowing this helps us locate happiness again, since it often brushes against our shoulder when we’ve stopped looking—when we can love our current season without trying to fix it, love ourselves without trying to fix ourselves, and love our children without trying to fix them. Whether we realize it or not, we are living in the midst of our happier ever after, even when our trials block it from view. Nathaniel Hawthorne once wrote, “Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” Maybe our first step should be to simply sit down.
THE DAILY CHECKLIST: A TOOL FOR PRIORITIZING POSITIVITY
Day 1: Oh, the joys of a new planner. It called out to you from the aisle at Target and you had to bring it home. A wave of possibility breaks over you as you open the crisp, colorful cover, get out your neon gel pens, survey the blank squares. You can do anything, be anything! This time you will stick with it, work the system, not let anything distract you. Life will be amazing—starting tomorrow!
Day 2: Ready to begin—squares filled in. Meal planning schedule? Done. Daily, weekly, monthly to-do lists? Done. Chore lists for the kids? Done. You wake knowing this day is sorted. You are a victor before you’ve even started. You strut to the bathroom to brush your teeth, do an excellent job at that, and know you are looking in the mirror at Mom 3.0, updated and ready to take on the world.
Day 7: You’re making progress, yet something keeps getting in the way: children. Just a minor inconvenience, no biggie. But while row 6A clearly states that right now you should be walking away the pounds in the living room, your youngest runs in with a raisin stuck up her nose. She blames her brother. Sigh. You take her to the bathroom, get a flashlight, pray this won’t require an embarrassing ER visit. Luckily you spot it, and in a few disgusting maneuvers, it’s out. You head upstairs, talk to and give consequences to brother. When you’re finished, you turn off the forgotten exercise video and stare at your planning pages. You wonder how to give yourself credit for the past hour, look hopelessly at the list of missed activities, and gear yourself up to try again tomorrow.
Day 30: You forget to fill in squares after a late night of binge-watching Netflix while your husband’s out of town for the week. Self-loathing calls out with each glance at the desk and planner, mocking you from the corner. At the end of the day, you fill in the empty squares with “Kept kids alive. Kept kids from killing each other. Gave them food” as your biggest accomplishments.
Day 45: You find the planner buried under a stack of paper, junk mail, and bad kids’ artwork (which of course you tried to praise as though it were Van Gogh’s). Oh, that’s where it is! You move it to the top and make a new resolution, until later in the day when you check the mail and start a new pile.
Day 60: Your tween asks for a blank spiral notebook, as she has run out of space in her current journal. You tell her you’ve run out but will get more the next time you’re at the store. Tears well up at this blockage to her creativity, when you suddenly spot the nearly empty planner, pull it out, and tell her it’s all hers. A smile lets you know you’ve recovered your position as Mother of the Year.
Day 90: You wander the stationery aisles looking for spiral notebooks when you pass the newly arranged rack of fresh planners. False hope and Mommy Brain amnesia combine and rise in one glorious moment as you pull down the loveliest one and think, “It just might work this time.”
I hate to-do lists and planners. I also love to-do lists and planners. This is not specific to all introverts, as some of us abhor structure and others crave it. I consider myself somewhere in the middle. But I’m sure I’m not the only one who has ever purchased a system sure to change my life, bought a planner or bullet journal, or created a spreadsheet—only to discover later that while the system was nice and new, I was still the same.
Why does this belong in a chapter on happiness? Well, if prioritizing positivity is the healthiest way to move toward that emotional state, we want to find a practical way to do so. There’s no magic formula, of course. If you already have a planner or system that works for you as an introverted mom, one that adds to your joy instead of overwhelms you, keep it! Just consider how you can tweak it, if needed, to help you make the most of positive moments.
I have a tool that’s helped me, which I call my Daily Checklist. It’s a to-do list and a happiness list all in one, and it’s completely customizable. It keeps my focus on the aspects of life I can control, allowing me to let go of the rest. It also helps me give myself credit for what I do, to see in black and white all that I contribute to my family, even the tasks I usually disregard because I do them so often. And it helps me remember the ways I can add to my health and happiness. The most freeing part? The goal is not to check off all the boxes in any given day. Instead, I recognize that each day will have its own unique needs, and if certain tasks don’t get done, that’s because others mattered more. Here’s a peek:
Jamie’s Daily Checklist
•Address an issue I’d rather ignore
•Be brave and bad (more on this in the next chapter!)
•Bible reading / prayer
•Blogging task
•Breakfast School with kids
•Natural Calm supplement (see chapter 10)
•Challenging conversation
•Church
•Cleaning / housework
•Commute to work outside home
•Connect with extended family
•Connect with a friend
•Cooking / food prep
•Discipline situation
•Errands
•Exercise
•Family time
•Get kids set up for their day
•Gratitude journal
•Homeschool research / planning
•Leave my phone upstairs
•Nap
•Outing
•Outside time
•Pause a sarcastic comment or complaint
•Personal reading
•Prep for next day
•Reading to kids
•Rescue Remedy
•Sk
ills Learning with kids
•Spanish app
•Stay in bed for eight hours
•Take a photograph
•Take kids to lessons / activities / appointments
•Three deep breaths
•Writing time
Notice that the four happiness guideposts appear on my checklist (exercise, sleep, growth / achievement, social connection), as do the measurable activities that I find energizing and restorative. I keep my list in the Notes section of my phone, so with a tap of my finger I can mark an item completed. Each morning I highlight the entire list, click the checkbox button to erase all the boxes, and then re-click it to add empty ones in their place, making it much simpler than writing out a new list each day. A side bonus? This lets me use my phone as a tool to move toward happiness, instead of the antiquated concept of speaking into it, which sometimes sends introverted moms running in the opposite direction.
REFLECTIONS FOR INTROVERTED MOMS
If You Give an Introverted Mom a Smartphone
The telephone is intrusive, especially for introverts, whose brains don’t switch gears all that quickly. When we’re deep in thought, a ringing telephone is like a shrieking alarm clock in the morning. Dislike of the phone is often presented as a moral failing. But honestly, it’s not the people on the phone we dislike, it’s the instrument of delivery.
SOPHIA DEMBLING6
If you give an introverted mom a smartphone, she’ll want to turn the ringer down.
When she does, she’ll get distracted by social media.
Seeing home décor snapshots will inspire her, so she’ll decide to organize the junk drawer.
She’ll dump everything out and put it on the counter.
Holding each item, she’ll ask herself silly questions, like, “Does this roll of duct tape spark joy?”
While in the midst of tidying, her children will start to argue.
She’ll reach the living room to find LEGO covering the floor,
her offspring waging war over the final blue brick.
The noise and clutter will overwhelm her, so she’ll need a rest.
Putting on a movie to calm the chaos, she’ll head upstairs, with a stop at the linen closet to retrieve her hidden-from-the-family chocolate stash.
As she passes the bathroom, she’ll notice how dirty it is.
This will remind her that the kids should pitch in more.
She’ll pull her phone out, making a note to search for chore charts.
When she opens it, she’ll see that she missed a call during the commotion.
Listening to voicemail, she’ll hear the kids’ dentist asking her to schedule their cleaning. This is the fourth time they’ve called.
The idea of having to talk on the phone will irritate her, so she’ll do some deep breathing.
Looking in the bathroom mirror, she will practice her lines a few times,
and press “call” before she can change her mind.
After speaking to the receptionist, she’ll hang up, victorious!
And determined to look for a dentist that offers online scheduling.
She’ll walk into the bedroom and lie down to recover, closing her eyes for a few blissful moments.
Hearing the phone ring will wake her, so she’ll roll over to see who it is.
And chances are, after she glances at the screen, she will text her husband back instead of answering.
Reflections from Introverted Moms
WHAT ORGANIZATIONAL SYSTEM WORKS WELL FOR YOU AS AN INTROVERT AND ALSO CONTRIBUTES TO YOUR HAPPINESS?
The main system that adds to my happiness is keeping the house clean. If the house is a mess, then I get anxious and irritable easily. When I go from one area of the house to another, I make a quick scan to see what I can bring with me. I always put dishes right in the dishwasher so there isn’t a pile in the sink. I keep wipes in both bathrooms so I can do a quick wipe down and rarely have to deep clean. I vacuum almost every day. If those things are done daily, then I can usually handle the rest. If those things aren’t done, then everything else starts to fall apart.
CHRISTINE, CALIFORNIA
I function best with routine, as I like not having to think about it (schedules, housework, work in general). Most of my friends like to make lists, and they mark things off as they go. I don’t like extended lists; for me, they cause stress. So how do I keep a routine and finish what needs to be done without lists? I keep an ongoing mental list of three things (and only three) in my head. If it doesn’t make the list, it’s not that important. Have I dropped the ball? Yes, but for me it works best. I get things done and don’t have to stress about them.
LISA, TENNESSEE
I would say my main organizational / planning tools are Google Calendar and a bullet journal. I have separate calendars for my schedule, homeschool schedule, and extracurricular activities. Seeing the color-coded blocks of time really helps me see what our day / week / year is going to look like. I also have a bullet journal that is basically my “brain dump.” If I can get thoughts out of my head and onto paper, then I am better able to focus on the current task at hand. The biggest key to scheduling for me as an introvert is to have one day of the week completely blank on the calendar with no outside responsibilities. If I don’t have that day of margin and permission to just be at home, then I am prone to stress and anxiety.
SARAH, GEORGIA
It’s majorly helpful for me to stick to my three-hour rule. When I take the kids, younger ones especially, on outings or to events, I try to be in and out within a three-hour window. After three hours, one of us is guaranteed to start falling apart, and then I feel the outing was for naught. It also helps me to keep in mind how temporary the situation is and to enjoy it while I can.
BROOKE, MOROCCO
A whiteboard has our general routine on one half, and on the other half I list specific tasks for the day. Sweet and simple.
SHANTEL, IDAHO
CHAPTER 12
a beautiful success
ON DEFINING FOR OURSELVES WHAT REALLY MATTERS
Have regular hours for work and play; make each day both useful and pleasant, and prove that you understand the worth of time by employing it well. Then youth will be delightful, old age will bring few regrets, and life will become a beautiful success.
LOUISA MAY ALCOTT, LITTLE WOMEN
There’s this . . . common path: If you’re going to write . . . a book, then you’re going to write on the internet (or the reverse), and then you’re going to start speaking . . . and then, and then, and then—and it works for a lot of people. And I think a lot of us don’t even stop and ask: But does it work for me?”1
The answer to my prayer arrived on a dirt road, the one I walk nearly every day. I stopped and cried near the old red barn, a tiny brook trickling nearby, playing that part of the podcast over and over, slowly taking it in. As Shauna Niequist discussed her book Present Over Perfect with Tsh Oxenreider, she talked about the choices we make as women, the painful consequences that come when we don’t choose intentionally.
My first traditionally published book had released a few months before and had exceeded the publisher’s expectations. Even this modest degree of commercial success came with a learning curve, and I found myself navigating unfamiliar territory. Speaking requests began to arrive in my inbox, apparently the next step to “making it” when you’re a blogger and author. I wrestled with these new opportunities, trying to figure out what to do next.
On one hand, my husband travels often for his global nonprofit work, and I couldn’t imagine the two of us juggling cross-country itineraries. Also, as a highly sensitive introvert, I knew that even the best speaking trip would drain me, meaning I’d arrive home in need of recovery, even as my children needed their mother back refreshed and ready to go. So although I wanted to share the messages God’s given me, these invitations didn’t feel like a “definite yes.”
But then I’d scroll through photos on social media of writer colleagues and fr
iends in the midst of exciting opportunities. Envy and FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) would rear their heads as I glanced up from my phone to referee a sibling confrontation, surrounded by those who sometimes forget to fawn over my brilliance. This made me want to hop the next flight to anywhere a crowd would politely clap as I walked out on stage, but for all the wrong reasons.
I had never heard anyone else voice this struggle. Shauna’s and Tsh’s words gave me permission to question the traditional path of blogger, author, speaker. To define success on my own terms. And as I consulted my heart, dialing down the outside clamor and others’ expectations, I thought about what my spirit longs for most:
Uninterrupted quiet to think and listen
Family
The beauty of nature
Writing
Reading
Global impact
Margin
Jesus
Making a financial contribution to our family
Giving generously
Intentional travel
Helping heal families
A strong marriage
A few close, lifelong friendships
A healthy lifestyle
Meaningful work
An atmosphere of continual growth
Using the talents God’s given me
Bravely walking through the doors God opens for me
Freedom to do work I love, flexibility in my schedule, and finances to support this lifestyle
HOME
If someone didn’t know I was an introvert, my personal success list might just tip her off. And for now? A busy speaking schedule doesn’t belong there. After this realization, I replied to the invitations in my inbox with a grateful yet confident “no.” But someday? I sense that response may change. Not all opportunities have to be grasped now or lost forever. They come in and out like the tides, returning when we’re ready, if only we have the courage to toss them back in faith when the timing isn’t right.
Introverted Mom Page 15
