by May Dawson
“How much of that do you think is my fault?” I asked.
Rafe stared at me without answering. “You get one question.”
Yeah, I probably didn’t want to know the answer to that. I pushed myself off him, rolling to my feet.
Rafe scrambled to his feet too, grabbing his sword from the ground as if he didn’t trust me not to press a second attack for a second question.
But as the two of us faced each other in the ready again, he said, “It’s not your fault at all, Maddie.”
“It’s not Lex’s fault either,” I said.
“Not everything has to be someone’s fault,” he said. “I don’t think Clearborn sees the same Lex we do. That’s definitely not your fault.”
“Sometimes I almost want to like Clearborn,” I mused out loud as the two of us circled each other.
“I thought you ‘didn’t hate him’,” he formed air quotes with his free hand.
“But not if he hurts Lex,” I finished.
“I think the two of them just don’t understand each other,” he said. “Lex doesn’t think it’ll help if he talks to him. I don’t see what it could hurt.”
“You’re not just worried about his position as cadre,” I said. “You’re worried about Lex and the Council’s Own?”
“I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do if he doesn’t get picked,” he said. “If all you goofy kids don’t get picked.”
I paused, and Rafe took the opportunity to get inside my defenses. I was too late to catch up, even though I desperately parried and thrusted, and the next thing I knew, he had me up against the wall, his sword’s edge at my throat.
“That was unfair and you know it,” I said.
“You’ve always complained about how unfair I am.” He shifted his body nearer mine, holding the faintest pressure on the blade at my throat. “I have to live up to your expectations.”
“You want to be with us goofy kids?” I demanded. “I thought I drove you crazy.”
“It’s not your turn to ask a question,” he reminded me, “and those two things are not mutually exclusive.”
My heart stumbled over the realization that Rafe wanted to stay with me, and the rest of the guys.
Meanwhile, I was tearing us all apart. It was too late to undo my spell, too late to go back. And I shouldn’t anyway, I should stick to my plan.
My heart wasn’t more important than their lives.
Later, there would be a way to reverse the spell. There had to be.
I just might be alone in searching it out.
“So what do you want to know?” I asked, my voice coming out cool, even though my heart raced. Rafe’s face was so near mine that I could study him intimately: his shiny jet-black hair and his dark brows and the hard, cruelly perfect lines of his face. If he were any other of my men, I would’ve pressed against the blade, against him, and brushed my lips against his.
There was no denying that he was one of my men, no matter how much he held himself apart. Deep down, he knew it too.
“Why do you blame yourself for everything?” Rafe asked. “Lex. Silas. Tyson.”
I started to answer, and he pressed his palm over my lips. My eyes widened at the intimate contact, my heart racing, as he said, “Don’t lie to me. I know you do.”
Tomorrow, after my planned temper tantrum, I doubted he’d have any problem blaming me.
“You’ve never had any problem blaming me, Rafe,” I reminded him. Unfairly too, at the start of my time at the academy. He’d held me to a higher standard than the guys, so why would it be a surprise that I’d taken impossible expectations as a weight on my own shoulders?
“That’s not an answer to my question,” he chided. “Play fair.”
I stared into those dark eyes, fringed with long lashes. I had to lie to him tomorrow, but I didn’t want to lie tonight.
“I just want to protect you all,” I whispered, because I didn’t trust my voice if I said it out loud. “No matter what it costs me. But I can’t seem to stop failing.”
“You’re not failing,” he said, but I stared over his shoulder, willing myself not to cry.
He started to say something, but I cut him off. From the look in his eyes, he was about to say something kind, even affectionate, and I was worried I’d come apart at the seams if he did.
Instead, I interrupted to ask, “So your big plan for Lex to fix things with Clearborn was…a heart-to-heart? No offense, but I can see why Lex isn’t taking your advice.”
“Maybe,” he admitted. He pulled back from me slightly, and I drew in a shaky breath as if I’d lost the ability to breathe when he was so close. But he still had me pinned against the wall.
“It just hurts to see Lex struggle. Sometimes it feels like no one else ever sees him the way he is, you know? What his own pack did to him…” He shook his head, breaking off. “I wish I could make them pay.”
“Same,” I said softly.
“But you see it too, don’t you?” he asked. “ Lex is like my brother… he’s a good guy. He deserves to finally be able to trust someone.”
Lex was definitely not like my brother. But I agreed with everything else Rafe said.
“That’s the only reason I’m spilling my guts to you,” he said abruptly. “And I shouldn’t. I just… I know you love him too.”
“This is what you call spilling your guts?” I asked. “You have some serious intimacy issues, Raphael Hunt.”
“Oh?” His fingers drifted down my jaw. Just the faintest touch of his sent sparks racing across my skin, as if I came alive when he touched me. “Funny. When I’m with you, I can’t hide anything. I can’t hold anything back.”
“It feels to me like you’re still holding everything back,” I said softly.
He leaned in so close to me that his breath stirred my hair. “From the inside, when I’m with you… it feels like I’m losing control.”
“Maybe you should. Maybe losing control will be better than you think.” I ran my hand up his arm, and his body went very still at my touch, as if just my fingertips brushing over his bicep could bring him to his knees, if he let it. “Maybe there’s nothing to fear in letting go, Rafe.”
“I’m not afraid.” His voice dipped low and husky. “It’s never been like this for me with anyone else. And I don’t mind waiting… I know eventually you’ll be mine.”
Frustration closed around my chest. “I do mind waiting. There are no guarantees about the future.”
“Of course there are,” he said. He turned his face into my hair, and I mouthed the words of my spell, my lips quick and frantic, before I could lose my will completely. His voice was husky when he said, “It’s just not time for us yet.”
He drew his finger across my lips, tracing their shape, and my lips parted under his touch.
“I think about you at night,” he murmured. “Do you think about me?”
Desire throbbed between my thighs, even though it felt like my heart was breaking apart.
“I think about you all the time, Rafe,” I admitted, my voice soft. “You know that.”
He pulled away to study my face, his eyes too keen, as if he might see right through me. He braced himself with one arm against the wall, leaning so close to me that his body almost brushed mine.
“You’re sad,” he said. “Why? I didn’t mean…”
“I’m not sad,” I lied. “And you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just…hard to wait. I don’t get the fun out of restraint that you do.”
Rafe’s brows arched. “Oh, I think one day you’ll come to appreciate how much fun restraint can be.”
Jesus, the man knew how to make me wet, even though he released me now and took a step back. His face was tense, as if it tore him apart to leave me, the same way I felt about him.
He bent and picked the practice swords off the floor, then moved to the wall to hang them up. With his chiseled back to me, he said, “It’s late. Go get some rest.”
I picked myself off the wall, even though my
legs felt wobbly. Rafe had half-destroyed me with that flirtatiousness in a way that our training never left me. I smoothed my hair back behind my ears.
“Right,” I said. “Tomorrow’s a long day.”
They were all long days. That was something we said all the time, something that wouldn’t make Rafe think twice.
But I had to tell someone the faintest shred of how scared I felt. Dread moved with me as I left the dojo, as I climbed the stairs, as I went into the room where my men were peacefully sleeping. It followed me like a shadow.
Tomorrow was going to be the worst day of my life.
Chapter Fifteen
The next day, I was up before the guys, my stomach in knots. I didn’t know what to expect. I was afraid I’d wake up between them and have them stare at me as if I were a stranger.
“Morning,” Jensen said, stepping into the bathroom with me. He seemed to hesitate, then reached for his toothbrush. I was so used to Jensen touching me constantly, as if I grounded him, and my heart lurched.
But it was five-thirty in the morning. No one feels particularly affectionate at five-thirty in the morning, do they?
As we went through our morning P.T. session, I tried to figure out if anything had changed, but the guys seemed…normal. Rafe was grouchy, gave zero sign that anything had happened between us the day before, and kicked my feet out from underneath me when I was doing push-ups because he claimed my form was sloppy. No surprises there. The man could be hopelessly devoted to me and it wouldn’t stop him from being a grump.
Jensen and Penn traded barbs, the run was brutal, and Tyson managed to stay as far away from me as one could during a group P.T. session. He looked just as miserable as ever, but then, we were doing log P.T. It was a miserable morning.
I just wanted to know if things had changed. And I dreaded knowing, all at the same time.
Clearborn and I had agreed that I’d find an excuse to run away from campus. Now I just needed to wait for the right moment.
The right moment came that morning, as I headed down the hall between classes. I was always lonely in the class that I used to share with Silas, where his empty seat was a constant reminder that he was gone.
“Witch,” someone muttered as I passed through the hall.
I turned so fast my book bag slammed against my leg. “I didn’t quite catch that, did you have something you wanted to say in your big boy voice?”
“Sure.” A big, blond guy spun to face me from the crowd. He was one of the assholes from Duncan’s team. Last name Smith. “I called you a witch. That’s what we call someone who uses magic and spells, isn’t it?”
My heart was suddenly beating a little too fast. There was no way he could know my secrets.
“And what we call someone terrified by magic is usually coward, but I didn’t seek you out in the hall to remind you what a miserable bumblefuck you are,” I shot back.
Oh, right. If this guy was an asshole, I had a bona fide council mission to justify punching him in the face. Not that I’d needed one before. At least there was one bright spot in my overall miserable day.
“Does that hurt your feelings?” Smith asked, his brows arching. “You going to run to daddy? Have him put a spell on me?”
“She doesn’t know who her dad is,” someone said in the crowd behind me.
Who the hell was that? No one was supposed to know what a failure my search for my father had been.
“Oh, I’m not talking about her real daddy,” the guy in front of me said. “I’m talking about Clearborn.”
“Excuse me?” I demanded.
“She’s so lost on who her father is, she thinks you know something she doesn’t about Clearborn,” the guy behind me in the crowd laughed.
I turned my back against the wall, trying to keep an eye on both of them at one time. The rest of the crowd felt faceless. Then someone I didn’t even know said, “Why don’t you walk away, Smith? Stop being a dickhead.”
Smith raised his hands as if he were placating me. “I just meant because you’re Clearborn’s pet.”
I couldn’t hide a disbelieving smile. Given that Clearborn had ordered Rafe to strap me and always seemed ready to enumerate my character flaws, I wasn’t sure I was a good candidate for pet. Before I could say anything else, though, Smith went on.
“I don’t think he’s your literal dad. Your mom must’ve taken a break, for once.” He eyed me curiously, tilting his head to the side. “You tell me, is being a slut genetic?”
As I stepped forward toward Smith, I glimpsed Penn and Lex pushing through the crowd toward me.
Smith was grinning right before my fist cracked across his jaw. He had to have been expecting it, but he still stumbled back.
The guy behind me grabbed me around the waist as the hall exploded into a chorus of voices.
I elbowed this second guy in the face. When his grip on me broke, I grabbed his wrist and locked his elbow over my shoulder.
I dropped my weight, flinging his body over mine, and he slammed hard into the ground. His wheeling legs almost kicked Lex in the face, and Lex side-stepped to avoid him.
Smith tried to hit me, but Penn was right there, slamming him into the wall. As Lex grabbed me around the waist, I heard the thud of Penn punching Smith across the face, twice.
Lex tried to drag me back, and I slammed my elbow into his chest, knocking him back. He exhaled but didn’t let go.
“Maddie, calm down,” he said into my ear. “They’re Garmond’s guys. They’re not worth it.”
“You never think fighting is worth it,” I said, still struggling to push him away. “Not when it comes to me.”
He paused, just for a second, as if I’d thrown him, and I shoved him off me, stumbling forward.
“You’re going to be late if you don’t get into your classrooms,” Lex said to the crowd, his voice stern. He barely had to raise his voice. The halls began to clear.
“Smith, Delaney, you’ll report to your cadre in prep tonight,” Lex said. “Get out of here. Infirmary or class, take your pick, but get out of my sight.”
He waited until they were gone before he rounded on me and asked, “What the hell was that about?”
I shrugged.
Lex’s face was exasperated. “I don’t doubt those guys deserved it, but you have got to get a handle on your temper. You don’t need to take the bait every time.”
“Just like usual,” I said, “someone tries to hurt me, and you’re just here to tell me off at the end.”
Lex raked his hand through his hair. “That’s not what I’m doing. I don’t give a damn about those assholes—I care about you.”
“You’ve got a funny way of showing it,” I said.
He stared at me, faint color rising across his high cheekbones.
“I’ll go with Maddie to the infirmary to make sure she’s not hurt,” Penn said.
“She’s not,” I said tartly. “She’s fine.”
“Really?” Penn muttered. “Because you’re acting like you’ve sustained a major head injury.”
I rounded on him, raising my eyebrows. “Really, Penn? We all know how well you follow the rules.”
Lex glanced down the emptying hall. “Penn, go to class. You too.” His gaze met mine, his eyes troubled. “We’ll talk later.”
Penn gave me a long look that I couldn’t quite read. Smith’s blood was on his knuckles, and he shook his hand out as he left.
“I don’t want to talk anymore,” I said. “It’s always the same conversation.”
Penn stopped and turned back, his lips parting, but whatever he was going to say was lost, drowned out by another familiar voice.
“Then maybe we won’t talk.” Rafe strode down the corridor toward me, his steps quick and purposeful. “Go to class, Northsea. We’ll sort this out later.”
Jensen headed down the hall too, his face a blank mask. Apparently we were having a team meeting in the hallway.
I was supposed to have a temper tantrum and walk out of the academy,
but it was starting to feel more and more natural as the minutes ticked by. Every single one of them tried to boss me around. After someone called me a slut, and a witch, and insulted my mother, I still had to be perfect, no matter what happened.
“Oh?” I quirked an eyebrow at Rafe. “What are you going to do? Beat me?” I looked to Lex. “Have him beat me? It’s not like everyone hasn’t noticed you’re never the one with the tawse.”
Lex’s lips tightened.
“Shut up,” Rafe muttered. He looked at me as if he wanted to press his hand over my mouth to stop me from saying anything else. His eyes flickered down the hall meaningfully, and I followed his gaze to where Clearborn stood at one end of the hall, watching.
Jensen looked at me as if he saw right through me. He was the one who saw the world without a filter, in shades of brutal honesty. His expression was cold and neutral, as if he had returned to default, but he studied me with golden eyes.
I didn’t want him to see the truth, and at the same time, I felt like my heart would fracture into a hundred pieces if he didn’t see me as I really was.
“Go cool off,” Lex told me, his voice calm, even though there was something in his eyes, something hurt, that made my stomach tense. “Dorms. Now.”
“I don’t need to cool off,” I said.
“That was not a request,” Lex warned me. “Go.”
I stared at Lex. If I just walked away now, was it believable that I might storm off campus? His face tightened as he crossed his arms. Maybe this argument was enough. I didn’t want to keep arguing with Lex, knowing that I was hurting him.
“I’ll walk you,” Jensen offered.
I’d be screwed if I spent too long with Jensen after that outburst. He always saw right through me.
“Oh, I don’t need you to walk me anywhere,” I told Jensen. “I don’t need any of you. You know the whole bossy, protective thing isn’t that cute, right? ”
I turned on my heel and headed down the hall of the academic building, my shoes ringing out on the hardwood floor.
