by Elouise East
Casey did laugh that time. “Does it matter?”
Alex paused, not ready to explain his reasoning when he didn’t understand it himself.
“Ah, you don’t trust people at face value anymore, do you? I forgot.”
Alex sighed. “Can you blame me?” he answered quietly.
“No. It’s a shame because your instincts are good, Alex. You have to believe in yourself again.”
Alex had scoffed. Yeah, he doubted he could trust himself any time soon. After what happened with Grayson, his relationship instincts were on his shit list as far as Alex was concerned. Despite what Amanda said, he’d try to figure some stuff out, but his instincts…nope.
****
Heath had offered to pick Alex up, but Alex had declined, saying he was going to walk, and agreed to meet Heath at the bowling alley. Alex had tried on several changes of clothes and mimed bowling to see whether he could move in them or not. Jeans were not easy to move in, so he’d ended up wearing trousers since he didn’t think the joggers would be appreciated.
Gazing around the foyer of the bowling alley, Alex drifted over to Heath as he spoke to someone at the reception desk.
“Hey, Alex. Glad you made it.” Heath leaned forward and kissed Alex’s cheek before returning to the assistant.
Alex surveyed the place. He didn’t remember them being this loud when he was younger. He was getting old.
“What size shoe are you, Alex?”
“Nine.”
They swapped out their own shoes for bowling shoes—Alex hadn’t forgotten how horrible they were—and went over to the bar to order drinks before finding their lane.
“Are you going to whoop my ass?” Heath asked, the crinkles around his eyes evidence of his humour.
“Maybe. Maybe not.” Alex smirked, straining to find his fun side as he whirled around to find a ball he could lift. He needed to focus on being here with Heath, not being elsewhere in his brain.
“Right, you can go first.” Heath set up the screen, adding their names—as a matter of fact, he added Hot Vet and Hot Doc to the name column.
Alex snickered. “Seriously?” He shook his head. The longer he was with Heath, the more laughter he seemed to find. It must be contagious.
“What? Do you deny those monikers?” Heath’s eyebrows rose, daring him to argue.
“I deny mine, but yours can stay.”
“Tough. I’ve confirmed them now.” Heath smirked. “And I think you’re hot, so there.” He stuck his tongue out.
“Just because we’re at a bowling alley doesn’t mean you can revert to a teenager, Mr Vet.” Alex snickered.
“Mr Hot Vet, thank you very much. I have it in writing, after all! And why not be a teenager?” Heath cocked his hip, crossed an arm on his stomach, resting his other elbow on it and inspecting his nails with a put-upon sigh. His perfect imitation of a teenage strop made Alex consider whether Heath was around the age group on a regular basis.
Alex cracked up. “Oh my god. Are you an adult pretending to be a teenager or a fifteen-year-old pretending to be an adult?”
Heath guffawed. “You’ll have to find out.”
Alex perused Heath from head to toe, the sexual undertones to the statement sending waves of heat through Alex until a brick settled in his stomach. His muscles tensed, and he refocused, heading towards the lane. Taking a deep breath, Alex swung the ball down the lane where it rolled to the right and hit three pins. He wheeled around with a fist bump in the air.
“Three is better than none!” he proclaimed.
“Well done, you.” Heath squeezed Alex’s shoulder as he returned. “I’m sorry if I went too far with that comment. I’ll tone it down.”
“No, it’s okay. I’m a bit out of sorts. You’re fine.” Alex felt bad. They hadn’t done more than kissing—awesome kissing, mind—and he knew, eventually, Heath would want more. Alex had to get in the right frame of mind first. “Go. Show me your skills, Hot Vet.”
Alex watched the sway of Heath’s hips as he sashayed to his place. He unashamedly checked out Heath’s ass when he bent to send the ball trundling down the lane; the way those jeans hugged his ass? Mwah. Once again, a sinking feeling settled in his stomach. He felt like he was cheating on Craig by being with Heath, but he felt like he was cheating on Heath when he was thinking about Craig. He needed to let one of them go. And with how things were with Craig, it seemed like it would end up being him.
The bowling carried on until Heath was declared the winner, to Alex’s chagrin. Heath kept apologising, but Alex waved him off. Alex wasn’t bothered who won or lost, he had enjoyed the witty banter they had all evening—Heath was a great storyteller. Dinner was at a Chinese restaurant not far from the bowling alley. Alex had thoroughly enjoyed himself, despite the conflicting emotions barraging his body.
“Would you like to talk about it?” Heath asked.
Alex flicked his gaze to Heath’s. “Talk about what?”
“What has you distracted tonight?”
Strolling hand in hand towards Alex’s house—Heath had wanted to make sure Alex got home alright—their soft footfalls and occasional road traffic the only noises around, it felt like they were enclosed in a bubble.
“Sorry. Honestly, I’m fine. I’m sorry if I’ve not been paying attention to you.”
“No! That’s not what I meant. I…like you, Alex, and I think you like me. I want to help if I can.” Heath’s hand squeezed his, and Alex felt worse.
“Thank you. I do appreciate it. It’s…a work thing, which I can’t talk about,” Alex lied. “But thank you all the same.”
“Okay. Well, you know where I am if you need me.”
They stopped outside Alex’s front door, and he shifted towards Heath. “Thank you for a great night. I enjoyed myself.”
“Good.” Heath paused and slowly raised his hands to cup Alex’s jaw. Drawing Alex closer, their lips met in the gentlest kiss Alex had ever received. Heath caressed Alex’s lips with his own before swiping his tongue across Alex’s bottom one, requesting entry. Alex opened, greeting Heath’s tongue with his own as the kiss deepened. Wrapping his arms around Heath’s neck, Alex took a step back, bringing his spine to the front door and allowing him more leverage.
They explored each other’s mouths as they had before. Heath’s hand moved up the back of Alex’s head, gripping the longer strands on top as Heath’s intensity increased. He plundered at Alex’s mouth, pressing their lips together hard. Alex retreated to bite Heath’s bottom lip then returned, tilting his head and opening his mouth wide, allowing Heath entrance once more.
Alex smoothed his fingers across Heath’s head, the shorter strands making them impossible to grasp. Alex felt light-headed and pulled back, needing air. Heath’s mouth descended to Alex’s neck, nibbling bites down to his shirt collar and back up.
Alex gripped Heath’s head, bringing their lips in line again. This time, slower and softer. They pressed their lips together, not moving before Alex pulled back. He rested his forehead against Heath’s, their breaths intermingling as they tried to calm.
“Goodnight, Alex.” Heath pulled back from their embrace, kissing Alex’s forehead and stepping back.
“Goodnight, Heath.” Alex watched Heath walk away, a hand pressed to his swollen, sensitive lips. Alex dropped his head back against the door and closed his eyes. He sighed a wish to be able to give Heath everything but knowing, deep inside, that he couldn’t.
Chapter 24
Craig
With his hands in his jacket pocket, the fingers of his right hand worrying the ripped seam, Craig entered the restaurant. He had no idea why he’d chosen to go there today of all days. His sessions had changed from three o’clock to four-thirty, and Craig had taken it upon himself to buy a drink before he wandered up there.
He stared straight ahead as he queued up behind a tiny, grey-haired lady. Craig didn’t want to scan the sea of faces and be disappointed when Alex was missing. Because it was why he was here, wasn’t it? He fro
wned and chewed on his bottom lip. His stomach muscles were tight enough to keep him upright when his legs felt like jelly. He inhaled shakily as he placed his order—a cup of tea to go.
Paying for his tea, he drifted to the station to add some milk before having no other choice but to pivot and glance around.
His gaze went straight to their usual table. His heart stalled as he recognised Alex, sitting staring out the window. His knees locked, his muscles tensed and his hand shook—luckily, the takeaway cup had a lid on it; otherwise, he’d have burned his hand. Remembering the information Amanda gave him about analysing his responses, he identified his fight or flight response. He could leave, or he could go over there and speak to Alex.
His body took over the choice before he’d finished the thought, his feet carrying him slowly to their table. Craig swallowed against his dry throat as he stopped next to Alex. Alex didn’t react straight away, and it gave Craig a chance to study him.
There was tension in Alex that Craig didn’t remember from before, lines around his eyes and across his forehead. Alex’s hands absently twisted his cup around in circles.
Alex glanced towards Craig and away again. Not one second later, Alex’s head whipped around, and he stood abruptly, his mouth flapping.
“Hey.” Craig restrained his impulse to laugh at Alex’s expression. “May I?” He indicated the seat opposite Alex.
Alex nodded. “Is everything okay?” Alex sat again, staring at Craig.
Craig fidgeted, feeling like a bug under a microscope.
“Yeah. I…um…my session time changed. I…uh…thought I’d get a drink first. I didn’t expect to see you.” Craig winced when his words elicited a clenching in Alex’s jaw. “Sorry, I meant, I didn’t think you’d be here at this time.” Craig rubbed his hand across his forehead. “Never mind.” His words were not helping the situation.
They sat in awkward silence, and Craig stared out of the window, recalling the times they had sat there before. Two wholly opposite meetings as far as he was concerned.
Craig tried to fill the quiet, “Did your parents have a good anniversary?”
Alex raised his eyebrows and smiled. “Yeah. I have plenty of brownie points now.” He snorted. “Ella gave me a heap of credit, but she did all the heavy lifting, so to speak.”
“That’s nice of her.”
“How have you been?” The words shot out of Alex’s mouth, and Craig heard the snap of Alex’s teeth as he closed his mouth with a grimace.
Craig cleared his throat and slurped his tea before answering. “Good. I’ve been redecorating a bit. My brothers redesigned my office as a surprise when I was at work one day. And I bought a new glass cabinet for my paperweights.” Craig bit his lip to keep himself from talking.
“Sounds great. Why paperweights?” Alex leaned forward onto the table and crossed his arms.
“Um…I’ve always collected them, and they got…broken.” Craig diverted from the reason they were broken as quickly as he could. “I’m replacing them slowly. What have you been up to?” Craig sipped his tea again.
“Working, going out with the guys—” Alex closed his mouth with an audible clack of his teeth again, eyes wide before glancing at the table, his fingers twisting his cup.
“You alright?” Craig tilted his head, unable to read Alex’s expression.
“Um, yeah. I...uh…I’ve been seeing someone.” Alex’s voice was quiet, but the words sounded like they had come through a megaphone.
Craig sat back in his chair, breathing uneasily through his open mouth as he swiped his hand through his hair then rubbed it across his mouth. His gaze swept across the table, avoiding Alex’s stare as he tried to regain his equilibrium.
How could Alex have found someone else so quickly? Did he not care for Craig as he had thought Alex did? Had Craig blown their whole relationship up to be something it wasn’t—or isn’t? He refrained from screaming—but it was a close call—and attempted to conceal his thoughts as quickly as he could.
“That’s great,” he managed to say in a normal, albeit high voice.
“Thanks. It’s fairly new.”
Craig kept his head down but felt heat entering his cheeks when he realised he had been hoping Alex would wait for him. He didn’t know why because there was no way he was ready to hurtle into any relationship. He shook his head. Of course, he shouldn’t wait. Alex was a catch. The guy was lucky to have him.
Craig checked the clock on the wall of the restaurant. “I have to go. It was nice seeing you again.” But I won’t any longer, he left unsaid. He stood and weaved through the tables.
“Craig?” Craig paused and glanced over his shoulder, seeing Alex standing next to the table, staring at him. Craig watched as Alex’s shoulders fell. “Take care of yourself.”
Craig nodded as he was taken back to the last time Alex had said those words, so many months ago, when Craig announced the meetings with Alex would end. Alex was concerned about him, but he had a new life now and didn’t need Craig getting in the way of it.
Smiling in acknowledgement, Craig waved and continued on his way.
As soon as he entered the empty lift, he sagged against the wall and covered his face with his empty hand. What was his problem? He hadn’t wanted a relationship with Alex anyway, so why was he annoyed Alex had found someone else? Was he doing the “I don’t want you, but no one else can have you” thing?
Craig twisted to the side, resting against the wall. He exhaled roughly. He needed to start a new chapter in his life. One where Alex was not featured in any way, shape or form.
Knocking on Amanda’s door, he entered. Before he sat, she was already leaning towards him.
“What’s happened?”
Craig huffed, resting his elbows on his knees and spreading the fingers of both hands across his mouth while he gathered his words. “Alex has a boyfriend.”
Amanda’s poker face was epic. “You saw Alex?”
Craig nodded. “Just now. I went to the restaurant to get a te—no, I went to the restaurant, using getting a tea as an excuse to see if Alex was there. I wasn’t expecting him to be. Then when I saw him, I couldn’t help but walk over and talk to him. He seemed forlorn before he saw I was there.” Craig chuckled. “He was shocked to see me. You should’ve seen his face.”
“What happened?”
“We got talking, general stuff. I asked what he’d been doing. He mentioned going out before telling me about his boyfriend.” He shook his head. “Not sure what I was thinking. Of course, he wouldn’t wait for me.” He rested back against the sofa.
“You wanted Alex to wait for you to be ready.” Amanda made the statement as if it was common knowledge.
“Apparently.” Craig sighed and stared up at the ceiling. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for a relationship, so why am I…annoyed? Jealous? Pissed off? I should be happy that Alex is happy.”
“Beneath all these feelings, I think you are happy for Alex. You need to concentrate on yourself for a while longer. You have every right to feel whatever way you feel.”
“It’s all my fault. If I hadn’t said that I needed to step back…”
“It is no one’s fault, Craig. You needed to do what was best for you at the time. Alex will do what he needs to do. You can’t control the universe. No matter how much you want to.” Amanda leaned forward again. “Remember how far you have come, Craig. Think of what you were like when you first arrived at my door. Contemplate who you are now. You’ve achieved plenty in such a short amount of time. Don’t belittle that.”
Craig was quiet while a question formed, one he hadn’t wanted to ask before. “Have I been latching onto Alex?”
“Do you think you have?”
Craig pondered his answer. “It’s difficult. When I didn’t see him, I missed him, missed our meetings.”
“Have you been out? Socially, I mean?”
Craig shook his head.
“It would be good to go out. See if you can figure out an answer to your q
uestion.”
Hustling back to his car after his session, he was glad he didn’t bump into anyone. Having made a decision, he directed his vehicle home. He packed a bag of clothes, snatched his laptop and work things and threw them in the car. Starting the engine again, he drove off, the radio drowning out his thoughts.
Pulling up at his parents’ house, he stared. Here was the place which poured serenity into his body. Every time he came here, he was able to decipher his problems and sometimes work through them. After putting up with his mother fussing over him for several hours, he relaxed on his childhood bed, staring at the painted stars on his ceiling. His whole body was relaxed, although his brain was fired up.
Craig considered what Amanda had said. He had come far since his first visit to her. In his work, he was confident and doing well. With his family, he had reconnected and spent more time than ever with them, getting to know them again. He needed to be “fixed” now. His instincts were off, or at least he couldn’t trust them. He wasn’t confident about meeting new people, except when it came to work. He hated that Darren had taken his social skills away from him without Craig’s knowledge.
Craig’s jaw clenched. Why had Darren done this to him? Craig could see now it was nothing to do with love, at least not his own sense of love. Darren’s interpretation of love might be different, but it was not acceptable to Craig any longer.
Craig’s pulse increased, his heart pounding, muscles tense.
“Why?” Craig swung his legs off the bed and sat upright, fists clenched against his thighs. How did Craig not see what was happening? Why did he put up with it? Make excuses? Why was he letting Darren affect his life, even now?
Craig stood, grabbing the lamp off his bedside table and throwing it across the room. He stormed across to his chest of drawers, swiping everything off the top before he twisted and sank to the floor in front of it.
Tears streamed down his face as he rested his elbows on his bent knees and gripped his hair. He sobbed into his cocoon, babbling incoherently as arms came around him and held him tight.
Craig had no idea how long he’d sat there. When he became lucid once more, he took note of his physical body. His head pounded, his eyes felt like sandpaper, his nose was sore and his whole body was one aching mess.
