Agatha H and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

by Phil Foglio

  “WHAT?” Violetta looked stunned.

  “Oh, now she’s going to get all embarrassed, but she’s dreamed about becoming one of your sidekicks for ages.”

  Othar examined her again. “And she’s a Smoke Knight you say? Then she might even last through the summer.”125

  “I will hunt you down, flay you, and wear you as a hat,” Violetta screamed.

  Othar grinned in admiration. “She’s certainly got the spunky part down!”

  Tarvek and Jorgi moved off down the street. Jorgi glanced back. “Hyu gots to excuse der Town Council. Der oldt guys have been trappink tourists for too long. An’ der young guys iz schtill figurink tings out. Dey’s schtill tinkink like a bunch of soft townies. Not dat dot’s a bad ting. Somebody got’s to do de running und screaming. Eh, but this is Mechanicsburg, und dey’s its pipple. Dey’ll vake up soon enough, and den— vatch owt!” He clapped Tarvek on the shoulder. “But dot vill take time, und since der Storm King vants to make vit der military talk now—”

  Tarvek waved his hands. “Shh! That’s still a secret!”

  Jorgi gave a snort of laughter as he stopped before an ancient door easily four meters tall. He produced an iron key and unlocked it, then pushed Tarvek through. They were in a small dusty anteroom. “Dun vorry, der guys you’ll be talkink to dun hold grudges about dot old schtuff.” He straightened his hat and knocked on the inner door before pushing it open. “ ’Cause if hyu dun learn how to let all dot go— Hyu dun last long enuf to be a general.”

  The room was long and high, and dominated by an immense table that, to Tarvek’s educated eye, had to be easily five centuries old. Sitting around it were four monsters. Tarvek instantly recognized them as Jägergenerals. Zog, Goomblast, and Khrizhan were familiar adjuncts to the Baron. The fourth was a grinning ogre with bright red skin. Tarvek noted his right hand’s knuckles were tattooed with the word LOVE. On the left, he read HAT, and rolled his eyes. This could only be General Koppelslav, who had been stationed on the empire’s eastern border for over a decade and who, according to Tarvek’s latest intelligence, should be there still.

  Interesting. There was also—Tarvek blinked at the sight of Krosp, now sporting a Mechanicsburg souvenir novelty cap designed to look like a hat-wearing Jäger gnawing on the wearer’s head. Krosp glanced upwards and shrugged. “It’s a rule, okay? When you sit at the generals’ table, you’ve got to wear a hat.”

  Tarvek pointed towards General Khrizhan. “He doesn’t have a hat.”

  Khrizhan looked cartoonishly surprised and made a show of patting his baldpate. “Oh, deary me,” he rumbled. “Did I forgets mine hat?”

  The rest of the generals could no longer contain themselves and dissolved in roars of laughter. Krosp stared at them and his fur bristled in fury. “We’re about to be under attack and you guys are joking around?”

  Tarvek tapped his chin. “Don’t blame them,” he said slowly, “they’re worried. By tradition, the new Heterodyne should be greeted by all the generals, yet you’re sitting in here instead.” He looked over the assemblage, which had gone silent. “General Øsk died fighting the Polar Lords’ doom wyrm last year. That leaves seven generals, but only four of you are here. Where are the others?”

  Krosp frowned. “Wait . . . seven? I heard there were six.”

  Tarvek continued. “I’m sure you did. Nevertheless . . . Could there be dissension here?”

  General Zog stared at him with a sour look on his face. “Hokay,” he said grudgingly. “No funny hat for hyu. Come talk vit us.”

  They made room for Tarvek at the table beside Krosp. Tarvek noted that even if there had been seven of the gigantic creatures, there still would have been space for easily a half a dozen more and, indeed, six immense chairs were lined up against the far wall, each with a small black Heterodyne sigil draped over the back.

  Everyone silently looked at Zog, who stared back at Tarvek while slowly gnashing his great teeth. Finally, he nodded once. “Hyu iz right,” he admitted. “Der iz only seven uv us now. Not many pipple knows dot.” He gestured towards one of the three empty chairs at the table. “General Zadipok should have been here by now. But ve haff not heard from him. It iz, as hyu say, vorryink.”

  He glanced out the great window that dominated one wall. “General Gkika iz vit der Heterodyne now.” He grinned. “No one could take better care uf her.”

  Both Tarvek and Krosp glanced at the last empty chair. Zog nodded again. “And den dere iz der seventh. He iz a tricky vun. He iz . . . der keeper ov many secret tings.”

  “Why isn’t he here?”

  “The Odder inside der Lady,” Zog rumbled.

  Tarvek was taken aback. “The Other— You know about that?”

  “Indeed ve doz. Und as long as dot bad gurl iz in der Lady’s head, he vill remain in der shadowz.”

  Tarvek glanced about. The generals were somber now. He cleared his throat. “Sensible. But . . . let him know he may not have to stay there for long. I have studied the Other’s methods, and I believe I can get Lucrezia out of Agatha’s head for good.”

  General Khrizhan leaned back. “Oh-ho! Dot iz goot news”

  Zog steepled his fingers and grinned knowingly. “Ah, and den hyu can gets to de keesink, yez?”

  “Well, I’m certainly not going to do it before—” Tarvek realized what he was saying and blushed. “Wait! No! I didn’t—! That is—!”

  Around him the Jägers gave a great roar of laughter. Zog wiped a tear from his eye. “Vell, boyz, dot Wulfenbach keed gots him a rival! Diz iz gunna be fun!”

  This provoked another round of laughter. Tarvek turned to Krosp. “Are they always like this?”

  The cat shrugged. “I’m guessing: yes.”

  Tarvek turned back to the table. “Anyway, Agatha has Lucrezia under control for now. But we have a bigger, more immediate problem. The Baron—”

  The sound of explosions was heard from outside. The red-skinned general leapt up. “Iz too soon for anodder attack!”

  Tarvek lunged for the window along with the others, but while they looked at the encircling forces, he scanned the skies above. “Dammit,” he swore, “I thought they could get through unsuspected!” Three airships were heading for the town. A larger cargo dirigible, followed by two of the empire’s pursuit ships.

  “Vy izen’t der Kestle shooink dem avay,” Zog muttered. Suddenly there was another fusillade from the two pursuers, and the aft of the cargo ship’s gasbag erupted into flames.

  “Hoy.” Khrizhan said in surprise. “Dey’s not attackink us. Dey’s shootink at der own ship.” He looked at the others. “Dot ken’t be goot.” It certainly wasn’t for the cargo ship, which, even with every engine angled to try to slow their momentum, ground deceptively slowly into the market section of the Court of Gears126 district. Almost an entire block of buildings shuddered at the impact and began to collapse. A huge ring of smoke and dust blossomed and began silently rolling over the town. By this time, Tarvek, as well as the generals, were out the door and running towards the downed ship, followed by a bevy of other Jägers who had been standing guard outside.

  Koppelslav pointed upwards at the fast-approaching pursuit ships. “Dey’s lowerink lines,” he shouted. “Dey’s gunna send in troops.”

  Zog shook his head. “Dey’s huntink der own pipple?”

  Khrizhan bared his teeth. “Dey vos already shootink at dem. Der impawtent ting iz dot deyz landing troops inside our town.”

  Goomblast looked pensively at the downed airship. “Izn’t it gunna blow op?”

  Koppelslav smacked him. “Dot only happens in dose cheap Heterodyne Boyz novels, hyu old fool!”

  Tarvek glanced back over his shoulder and seemed surprised to see them. “We’ve got to hurry! I need the people from that ship alive!” He glanced at the incoming ships. Tiny figures could now be seen clutching the dangling ropes. “I sincerely hope you gentlemen fight as well as you dress!”

  The generals glanced at each other. “Gentlemen?” Zog huffed.
/>   “Us?” Goomblast looked intrigued.

  “Fight?” Krizhan began to smile.

  Koppelslav shrugged and buffed a spike. “Vot? Dis old ting?”

  Tarvek bit back an annoyed retort. There was something wrong here . . .

  A squeal of feedback came from the sky and an amplified voice boomed out over the area. “All civilians are to leave the crash site. Anyone who remains will be shot! This is your only warning.” With that, several dozen dark-clad figures began lowering themselves on the great ropes, waiting until they were within safe landing distance—

  A broad-bladed tool, normally used to edge grass, arrowed up through the air with such force that it severed several lines, and easily a dozen men were sent screaming towards the ground. Krizhan stared upwards in admiration and then turned towards Zog, who had smashed a shop window and was extracting yet another edger. “Hey!” He tugged on Zog’s arm. “Hey, does dot count? Does killink dem up in der air count?”

  Zog laughed. “Killink hyu enemies alvays counts!”

  General Goomblast found himself surrounded by a ring of men armed with needle-sharp swords with blackened blades. “Stand down, General,” one called out. “We’re not here to fight you, but if you interfere—”

  “Sorry, boys,” the general called out in his unexpected contralto, “but hy am here to fight hyu.” With a liquid sweep of his arm, he pulled forth an elegant silver rapier and traced a few simple arabesques in the air. “Hyu are invadink our town, hyu know. Ve kent hev dot.” He gave them a salute. “Now, how bouts hyu boys surrender like gentlemen?” A look of anticipation filled his great face. “No! Vait! Even better! Hy vill duel hyuz champion! Hit’ll be terrific!”

  The men in black looked towards their leader. “This isn’t some game,” he snarled. “The people in that airship are dangerous traitors, and we have direct orders from the Baron to wipe them out!”

  Goomblast shrugged and his sword began moving lazily. “Too bad, but ve gots a guy here who vants dem alive.” One of the men crept slightly ahead of his fellows. Faster than the eye could follow, Goomblast pinked his hand, snapped the black blade into the air, and caught it so he could examine it. “Und vhat iz vit dese leedle swords?” He sniffed the blade. “Iz dis poison?”

  “Enough to take down even a behemoth like you,” the leader swore. “Enough! Men, kill them all!”

  Goomblast sighed. “Dis hardly seems fair.”

  “C’est la guerre, General.” And the men in black flowed forward.

  As each came within range, Goomblast’s blade flicked out, snapped the guard of their sword, and whipped it into the chest of the man next to them, who dropped his sword, which was caught and so on, until the last man stood unarmed, at which point Goomblast took the first sword he had appropriated and, with a heave, sent it into his chest. “Hy dun mean for me,” he sneered, “but hy dun expect pipple who’d use poison to understend the subtleties.”

  Khrizhan tapped his shoulder. “Hy suppose hyu tink dot counts too? Usink der own veapons on dem?”

  Goomblast frowned at him. “Ov cawze. De veapons dun care.”

  On a third front, a wounded man stumbled up to the highest ranking officer left. “Sir! They’re wiping us out!”

  The man nodded. “Right. Well, the Baron can’t say we didn’t try. So now we do this my way.” He raised his voice to a shout. “Disengage!”

  The men stared at him. “But . . . our orders . . . ”

  “We gas the place from the air like we should have done in the first place.”

  General Koppelslav roared. “Now hyu guys iz just askink for it!” With a sweep of his hands, he swept the great spikes adorning his upper arms free and, with machine gun speed, took down the fleeing men.

  Khrizhan appeared by his side. “Und killink den vhile dey iz runnink away . . . Dis also counts?”

  Koppelslav stared at him. “Vot der dumboozle iz de matter vit hyu?”

  Khrizhan looked contrite. “Vell, hy just dun vant hyu guys sayink hy vos cheatink.”

  Zog frowned. “How zo?”

  Khrizhan strode over to a downed Wulfenbach clank and ripped free the great machine cannon it had carried. “Using der own veapons—” He swung the weapon upwards towards the hovering dirigibles, from which faint screams could suddenly be heard. “—vile dey iz schtill in de air.” With a roar the cannon’s engines spun to life. Khrizhan pulled the trigger, sending a stream of heated metal skyward. The airships blew apart. Khrizhan turned to the rest of the stupefied generals, a wicked grin on his face. “–Vile dey vos trying to escape.” Flaming debris pattered down around them. “So, if dot all counts—” his grin got even wider “—den hy vin.”

  A second passed—and then Zog gave a great roar of laughter. “Ho, iz schtill cheatink, but in der goot vay!”

  Goomblast nudged Koppelslav in the ribs. “Hy knew hyu could make dem blow op.”

  From the sidelines, there was a ripple of applause from the crowd of Jägers surrounding Tarvek. He stepped aside as a porthole dropped from the sky and shattered at his feet. This broke his reverie. “Okay, it’ll take the empire a few minutes to send something else.” He peered down at the now-smoldering airship. He saw a few figures staggering from a hatchway, but— “Why haven’t they begun to unload the ship?” he muttered. “They must know time is of the essence.”

  Jorgi looked over his shoulder. “Dey probably know ve iz out here.”

  Tarvek took off. “No, something’s wrong. Let’s go!” The assembled Jägers trotted along behind him.

  “Zo vhat’s der beeg deal about dese guys?”

  “As far as the empire is concerned, they’re now some of the most dangerous people alive.”

  Jorgi looked interested. “Ho! Just like us! Dey’ll fit right in. Mechanicsburg is a goot plaze for dangerous pipple what no vun likes.”

  Yes, Tarvek thought, and the empire, as well as Lucrezia know that.

  Jorgi was still talking. “Ve should call de Velcome Vagon! Dey gots dese great leedle sammaches and cute gurls in hazmat suits!” Suddenly he skidded to a halt and stared. “Vaitaminute! Dose guys? Dey iz vhat der Baron iz vorried about?”

  They were now close enough that the people stumbling from the airship could be identified. They wore the distinctive green uniforms topped with wasp-warrior skullcaps of the empire’s Vespiary Squad. Many of them were visibly wounded. One of the officers saw Tarvek and ran towards him. “Prince Sturmvarous! You were right! You were right about everything!”

  Tarvek nodded. He’d only had a few seconds while he was titularly in charge of the empire’s military forces, but certain things had been all too obvious. Passing the squad leader a note under the watchful eyes of Boris and the others had been quite the challenge.

  The officer continued, “But it’s even worse than we thought. The Baron himself—”

  “Yes, yes.” Tarvek leaned in. “I know, but we don’t want everyone else to know. Not yet.” The officer blinked and took a deep breath as he nodded. Tarvek nodded back. “Now what’s the situation?”

  “Even before they shot us down, we discovered there were Stealth Fighters onboard the ship. They’ve been destroying equipment. We’re trying to get the weasels out, but it’s difficult.”

  “Why?”

  “Several specimens escaped. They’re also killing our people . . . including Doctor Bren.”127

  Tarvek gasped. “Bren? Dead? Then if we lose the wasp eaters, this will all have been pointless!” He spun about. “Jägers! Follow me!”

  From somewhere within the airship, there was the sound of something very large giving a scream of defiance. Jorgi placed a hand on Tarvek’s arm. “Mebbe hyu better stay here, hey? Hyu regular pipple iz kinda fragile, und hy dun tink der Lady vould like it if hyu got broken.”

  Tarvek shook the Jäger’s hand off and his voice indicated he was sparking out. “Enough! The importance of these creatures cannot be overestimated!” He pointed to the bemused Jägers. “You will follow me and do as I say, or I will hav
e you all flayed, roasted alive, and turned into stoats!” And he turned on his heel and dashed off.

  The Jägers followed, though there was some good natured carping. “Hey! Who’s he tink he iz, givink us orders like dot?”

  “Ve’s followink, ain’t ve?”

  “Yah, vell, dot vun’s got a great rantink voice.”

  They all nodded. It had been a while since they’d heard a good rant. Jorgi summed it up: “No vunder der Lady likes him. He must be vun heck uva demon vit der sveet talk!”

  A shaggy Jäger raised a hand. “Hy dunno, dot odder guy gots vun sveet hat.”

  This had every sign of devolving into a protracted argument, when Tarvek slammed his hand against a buckled hatch. “Jägers! Clear this door!”

  With a shouted “HOY!” they thundered past and tore it off its hinges.

  Jorgi frowned and stepped up to Tarvek. “Hy should varn hyu: not all uv our boyz iz gun put op vit hyu bossink us around like—”

  “Jorgi!” The two looked up to see the Jägers that had busted down the door were now grappling with a gigantic wasp eater that was easily six meters tall. A Jäger struggling to break free of a paw snarled down. “Vot iz hyu vaitink for? Hyu iz missink a great fight!”

  Jorgi threw up his hands and grinned at Tarvek. “Hokay, boss! Hyu vin dis vun. Comink!” He leapt into the fray.

  Beside Tarvek the Vespiary officer watched with trepidation. “I knew that thing would get loose,” he muttered. “Don’t even know why Bren kept it around.”

  CHAPTER 10

  For close to a thousand years, Mechanicsburg has been a place apart. The hereditary home of the Heterodynes was a blank spot on the map. Efforts were made to explore and understand what it was that lurked in the mountain fortress, but between the treacherous landscape and the fearsome creatures of the Heterodynes, few who were foolish enough to venture in ever returned.

  It was not long before the surrounding kingdoms began to take advantage of the terrible thing in their midst. Witches, murderers, sorcerers, traitors, criminals, and madmen of all temperament and stripe began to be delivered to the great gates that guarded the Valley of the Heterodynes and sent through under fear of death. This was all well and good, but a growing suspicion began to arise that they were not, in fact going to their deaths, but to what many of them would come to regard as home.