by H. M. Ward
"Found it!" Emily waves the card at me. "Come on, Kayla, you know you want to read it!"
Making my way slowly over to where she's standing, I run my fingertips along the soft petals, breathing in the smell before hesitantly taking the card from her hand. I trace the words written in his slanting, masculine handwriting, committing them to memory as I read:
Kayla,
Until today, I didn't realize how much I hurt you. I can't begin to tell you how much I hate the distrust I've caused, not just because it means you won't speak to me, but because you're scared of me. Fear is the last thing I ever want you to feel around me, and I loath the fact that I caused it.
I'm guessing you haven't listened to the voicemails, or read the embarrassing number of texts I've sent you over the past week. Please, take the time to listen to them all. Don't just delete them because you're upset with me. I poured my heart out to you in those messages, and I think if you listen to them, if you read them, you'll see just how sorry I am. I hope to talk to you soon.
I won't give up –not on you—and not on us.
-Oliver
Emily reads over my shoulder, sniffling quietly by the time she gets to the end. I'm so tired of crying, tired of hating him, of avoiding him. I'm tired of it all, but I just don't think I can give him a second chance. I've been burned badly before and know I can’t endure that twice, but Oliver is paying for someone else’s mistakes.
"What are you going to do, Kayla?" Emily asks, and I know my roommate is worried about me. I don't know what to say. If I'm honest, I don't know what to do in this situation at all.
My voice is a whisper when I tell her, "I don't know." My head is so messed up. I want to forgive him; I want to hate him. I want to pull him closer; I want to push him away. I'm being pulled in so many different directions; my heart says one thing and my head says something completely different.
I can admit now that he didn't keep the fact that he owns the hotel from me to deceive me, but it still doesn't look good. If he can lie so easily about something so trivial, what's going to happen when he's faced with the decision to lie about something big?
"Oh, sweetie," Emily says, pulling me into a hug and stroking my back. "You're the only one that can make this decision, but for what it's worth, I think he's a good guy, and I don't think he wanted to hurt you. I don't think he kept his being the owner a secret to be malicious. He just didn't know how to tell you, and was afraid of how you would react.” Her thoughts are so similar to mine that I ask her the questions I'm asking myself.
"But, if he can lie so easily about this, what else is he lying about? What happens next time he has to decide to tell the truth or tell a lie to save my feelings? That's why I'm afraid. That's why I can't just forgive him." Telling someone my fears makes me feel a little better. I didn't keep everything inside this time. I made a conscious decision to let in a friend.
"I understand. Trust me, I understand exactly what you mean. But, did you ever think about telling him how you feel? See what he has to say. He might surprise you."
I tell her I'll think about it, and then head to my room where I lay in bed for hours, thinking about what I should do. I love Oliver, but I don't want to hurt anymore. Finally, I grab my phone and send him a message.
- I want to forgive you, but I'm scared...
There isn't an instant reply. Over ten minutes pass before one comes through.
- I don't know what I can do to make this better. YOU are who I want, Kayla. There's no one else for me but you.
I don’t know what to type, so I just hold the phone to my chest, thinking.
He sends another, making my phone buzz.
- I told you I would give you time, but after today, I don’t know…
I feel like I’m going to hurl. Afraid I might give in, I set the phone back on my nightstand. I fist my hands at my sides and clench my eyes shut as I will myself to fall asleep.
CHAPTER 37
“Good morning, Kayla. Sorry I'm late." Sophia has a small smile playing on her lips as she greets me the next morning, hanging up her designer jacket and flicking an imaginary piece of lint off her top. "I had an errand to run before I came in."
"No problem. Here's your list of clients for today. What do you want me to pull?"
"You don't want to know what the errand was?" she asks, pouting because I don't show immediate interest in the small things she does.
I shake my head, pulling the garments on the list she hands me as I wait for her to tell me whatever it is she did.
"Well, you're going to want to know this one."
Now I know she's baiting me. Whatever she did this morning had something to do with me, and I have a bad feeling.
"I had breakfast with Oliver. He says hello."
I try to pretend I don't want to yank her hair out by the roots.
"That's nice. Is he doing well?" Good job, Kayla. I sound completely unaffected, even though inside my stomach is flip-flopping, and my hands ball into fists around an unlucky hanger.
"Mmm," she murmurs, nodding as she goes through her folders, pulling client measurements, and writing down more things for me to get out. If I weren't so angry with her right now, I'd be in awe over how well she knows the store's inventory. I have no idea what I'm doing half the time, but she remembers every item we carry and what sizes we have available. It's kind of amazing.
She goes on, "I actually went to see if he'd take me back. Since, he takes that dog to run in Kensington Gardens every morning, I waited just outside the gate and walked through with him."
It's like she knows exactly what to say to hurt me. Kensington Gardens is a place I considered to just be ours. That's where we met, that's where we spent a lot of time. She's tainted that now.
"He was really surprised to see me. When I told him I needed to talk, he thought I wanted to talk about you." Her words are a little bitter now. It gives me hope that maybe things didn't go the way she wanted them to. I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from smiling and wait for her to continue. Sophia doesn't disappoint.
"I invited him out for breakfast, and he looked at me like he was trying to figure out my angle. We stopped at one of the little refreshment places by the park, and he bought us each a coffee and a pastry, before sitting on a bench to let that dog run." I almost want to remind her that dog's name is Barkley, but I manage to stay silent, too curious where she's going with this conversation.
"Anyway," she says with a sigh, "I told him how I'm so sorry for everything I did to him, and I told him I wanted to try again." Her lips twist sardonically right before she says, "He told me he forgave me for everything, and that I deserve better than James. I really thought that meant he wanted to try too, but it didn't. He actually said he hopes I find happiness, but he's wrapped up in someone else, and he's not ready to move on from her yet. That's when he told me to tell you hello." She continues to rant about how she can't believe he would pick anyone over her, but I stop listening. I can't concentrate on anything but the fact that he turned her down and said he still wants to be with me.
Oliver is making it very difficult to stay angry with him. Out of the two of us, Sophia is definitely the better bet. I'm neurotic, unable to trust, and the first to believe the worst. Sofia is determined, confident, and willing to admit her mistakes. She's the complete opposite of me, and the fact that he told her no makes me a little giddy.
As soon as I can get a break, I rush to the back to text Emily and tell her what happened.
- Sophia asked Oliver to take her back. He said he wasn't ready to move on from me.
- You're surprised?
- Yes. Given the choice, I can't believe he wouldn't pick her. They were engaged, Em.
- You're a twit.
I don't respond, I'm not sure how.
- What time is your lunch break?
- One.
- See you then! Xoxo
Lovely. This lunch break is going to be a "yell at Kayla about what a twit she is" meeting. She'll probably invi
te Sophia, too. I head back out to the floor to find Sophia shouting my name, and searching the store for me. Shit. I was obviously gone too long.
When I make it over to her, she's glaring at me.
"Where have you been? I've been searching for you for ages, Kayla." No, she hasn't, I was only really gone for about ten minutes.
"Sorry, needed a bathroom...err, loo break."
She rolls her eyes. "Fine, whatever. I need you to go get these garments. A size larger than last time, please. Mrs. Andrews has gained weight, even though she swears she's on a diet."
I hurry off to do her bidding, not wanting her to ask too many questions about where I was and what I was really doing. I don't think she bought the loo excuse.
The rest of the morning is busy, and when Emily shows up for lunch I'm starving. We end around the block from the store, at a small cafe known for their organic breads.
As soon as we're seated at a small table near the entrance, she starts talking.
"So..." she starts, watching me closely. "Bitchy Boss tried to steal your man?"
"Em," I sigh, "he's not my man anymore, remember? I broke up with him because he lied to me. He kept secrets from me and, God, he was my boss."
I drop my head in my hands, my elbows resting on the table. I think that's what embarrasses me the most. I was banging my boss and had no idea. If I'd known he was my boss, I never would have let things get that far. Oliver probably knows that, that's why he never said anything.
I don't look up when Emily says, "Right. I'll give you that one, he should have been upfront about who he was, but Kay—" I lift my head and cut her off.
"But nothing. He should have been honest. Oliver lied to me, and it wasn’t over something minor. It was creepy. Besides, I'll always wonder what else he's keeping from me. Being my boss was a huge secret to keep, and if he'll keep something that big from me, he'll keep other things, too."
Guilt over the fact that I'm keeping some pretty big secrets of my own creeps up, but I push it back down. This isn't about me. I have good reasons for keeping my secrets, and they don't affect anyone except me. Oliver's secrets and omissions? They affected us both. I've already been down the being lied to road once before.
Emily's voice is soft when she says, "People make mistakes. You just have to figure out if this mistake is a deal breaker for you. Can you live without him in your life?"
It hurts to imagine a life in which I wouldn't see Oliver, or talk to him, or laugh with him. But, I have to be strong.
"This wasn't a mistake, Emily. It was a betrayal. It's not like he lied accidentally. Oliver didn't forget he was my boss, he chose not to tell me." I emphasize all the important words, but Emily doesn't look swayed.
Instead, she stands, putting her hands on her hips and glaring down at me. It's really hard to feel intimidated by a glaring girl wearing a pink cashmere sweater, white pants, a fuzzy pink jacket, and bright pink nails with Hello Kitty decals.
Really. Hard.
She looks like an angry fairy, and it's hard not to laugh at her.
"Kayla," she admonishes, "he is not the only one being dishonest. You keep everything inside. I mean, you've lived with me for more than six months and I barely know you. How can you expect him to tell you everything when you don't tell anyone anything? That's unfair."
I have no defense for that. She's absolutely right.
"Bloody hell, Kayla! There's no getting through to you, is there?" Emily throws her hands up in the air in exasperation." He makes one mistake, one bad choice, and that's it? You just cut him off and move on? No wonder you're alone." The words make me flinch, but she doesn't apologize. I sit in the cafe and watch her walk away, knowing she's pissed at me.
CHAPTER 38
The argument with Emily took up the majority of my lunch hour and I'm in a sucktastic mood when I return to work. Sophia hasn't returned from her own lunch yet, so I busy myself putting away all the clothes she's left lying around the dressing rooms.
Emily's last words repeat themselves over and over in my head while I work, folding clothes and tidying up the small space.
"Hello, dove." The smarmy voice is familiar and just hearing it makes my skin prickle.
I turn slowly, hoping he's not here alone, but he is. James is leaning against the doorframe smiling cockily at me, his lecherous gaze roving down my body. The feel of his eyes on me makes me feel dirty. I just want to cover up more because suddenly, my black trousers and flowy black and white blouse feel scandalous.
I step back, instinctively wanting to put more space between us, but his smile grows, and he walks into the dressing area.
"Go away.”
He continues to advance; flat voice and stern look do nothing.
I grab and hanger and pick up a dress, adding, “Sophia isn't here, and you shouldn't be back here, this is the ladies dressing room."
I don't know why I bother, because my words don't deter him a bit. While I was talking like he doesn’t concern me, James has gotten close enough to touch me. He stands there, blocking the exit. I can't get around him to leave.
"Move." Something inside me is screaming to run, but I keep my feet firmly planted on the floor.
The way he's looking at me makes me extremely uncomfortable. Just being in the same building as James makes my skin crawl, but him being this close terrifies me.
"Aw, come on, dove. It's just us. No need to pretend you don't want me."
Screw this. I don't want to touch him, but I need to leave this room. Now. Making a decision, I start to push past him, but he grabs both of my arms just under my shoulders, gripping them so tight I yelp.
"Let me go!" I try to sound assertive, but my voice breaks. James chuckles darkly, pushing me backward until I can't go any further. My back hits the wall. He's tall and broad enough to block me from view.
James lets go of one of my arms to run a finger down my cheek. I shudder in revulsion, but he takes the movement as my being turned on.
"That's it. I knew you wanted this as much as I do."
His size and the menace in his eyes make my stomach sour. This is going to end badly. He leans close, running his nose up the side of my throat. The throaty groan in my ear snaps me out of my statue-like pose and I shove against him, trying to get my knee up, but he’s too close.
"Get off me, asshole!"
His hand on my arm tightens painfully, but he backs up half a step. "Feisty. I like that I like that a lot."
I start to struggle against his hold as his hand moves down my throat to the top of my blouse. His fingers dip just below the collar and his eyes darken with lust.
This can't be happening. I need to get away from him. Knowing I won't be able to push him away while he's holding me so tightly, I relax my body, hoping his hold will lessen if he thinks I'm into it. Thankfully, it does and as soon as he lets my arm go to pull me closer, I shove him away, and make a fist. I pull my arm back and let it swing. My fist connects with his nose. I feel it crunch under my fingers.
He shoves me away and the back of my head slams into the wall.
"You bitch," he growls threateningly.
Before he can come toward me again, Sophia's in the doorway.
"What the hell is going on here?" Thank God.
"Your employee," James says, turning around to face her with his hand over his nose, "came onto me when I walked in looking for you. I told her I wasn't interested because I love you, baby, and the fucking bitch punched me."
My jaw drops. That's not at all what happened! I'm so shocked I can't find words to defend myself. Sophia glares at me, arms crossed over her chest.
"Kayla, you're fired. I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not. I can't believe you would try to take another man away from me."
Her voice is frosty, but I can see the satisfaction in her eyes. She's enjoying the fact that she gets to fire me after getting shot down by Oliver.
"That's not what happened!" I yell. She has to know how he is. Sophia already told me she figured he would c
heat, but she was with him because he has money and can take care of her.
"Sophia, you have to believe me. I would never touch him willingly."
Sophia looks at us, contemplating what I've said. James is giving her slimy puppy dog eyes, playing the wounded and innocent victim, while I stand tall. I did nothing wrong, and I refuse to let them treat me like I did.
"You know what he's like, I know you do." My voice is pleading with her to recognize I'm the one telling the truth. But I see her eyes harden and know she's chosen him before she even opens her mouth.
"Get out.”
She takes a step closer to me. Her height makes her seem menacing when combined with the look on her face. Sophia's eyes are cold as ice, her mouth puckers like she tasted something nasty, and she's looking down at me like I'm dog shit she just realized she stepped in.
I open my mouth to protest again, desperate not to lose this job. I need the income and I have no idea what I'll do without it. Everything is going to shit lately, and it feels like the universe and everyone in it are pushing me to flee. It's like the universe thinks if it takes away everything, if it leaves me in ruins, I'll finally run home to my mom. If only it were that easy.
The words I want to say stick in my throat when Sophia turns away from me.
"Just leave, Kayla. As much as I would love to have you thrown out, I'll let you walk away with your dignity intact if you go now. I don’t work with tramps."
A tramp? I'm the furthest thing from it. She doesn't look back at me again. Realizing any protests or defense I have against all of this will fall on deaf ears, I have no choice but to walk away. Staying isn't going to prove anything.
