“Why do you look so sad?” He smoothed his hands across my cheeks and bent down to rest his forehead against mine.
I brought my eyes up to look into his, “Just letting my head get the best of me.”
He gently pressed his lips to mine, “I can’t keep you from pushing yourself away, but I can show you that every word I say to you is true, beyond a shadow of a doubt.” He kissed me again before wrapping his arms around me and resting his chin on the top of my head.
I fit perfectly into his arms, like we were meant to be together. Two puzzle pieces that molded to complete a bigger picture. It was moments like that that made me want to throw away all the doubt and heartache from life and take a leap of faith into the unknown with Talon. But my mind had been so back and forth lately that it made it hard to stay on that page for very long. I sighed into his chest, stepped from his hold, and linked one of our hands together. “Let’s go watch some horrible reality TV and cuddle on the couch.” I smiled up at him.
“Sounds like a plan.” He kissed my forehead and we made our way back down the hallway towards their apartment.
Chapter Ten
The studio’s lights slowly came to life as I locked the door I had just come in. It was barely after nine in the morning but I felt the need to get some frustration out. Zoey had refused to come back out of her room when Talon and I had sat down to watch TV. It was the first time ever; it was also the first time I had gone home instead of crashing at their place in a long time. Sleep took forever to find me, and when it did it was packed full of nightmares: everything from me being chased by a dark figure to Zoey helping the homeless man and being harmed in the process. Around five o’clock in the morning I had given up completely on trying to get a good night’s sleep. After showering and attempting to read through some of my finance stuff for taxes, I decided I needed some alone time in the studio.
I dropped my purse and cell phone in my office and headed across the room to the radio. I plugged my iPod in and searched for my dance playlist. The first couple songs were to warm up to, nothing too dramatic. I didn’t bother pulling out a mat for stretching; instead I sat on the cold wood floor and began to loosen up my muscles. My attire was reflecting how I felt…gloomy; black leggings with a black cross-back tank top, and black dance shoes, not ballet ones. When my muscles felt loose and alive I pushed myself up from the floor. It was almost perfect timing as the song Fire Meet Gasoline by Sia filled the room. I closed my eyes and took a steady breath; my body began to move to the beat of the song. Dancing soothed my soul; it was like an out of body experience that helped me to close out the world…well¸ until that night. Ever since I had been fighting my way back to that point, to where I could feel alive, feel free, and feel whole again.
Perspiration was slowly taking over my skin as I pushed myself harder and harder. The pull of my muscles as I stretched up towards the ceiling felt refreshing; this piece was turning into more of a hip hop style routine, something I rarely did. I was a ballet girl, even though I loved all forms of dancing; ballet was what made me feel safe. But safe wasn’t a word that held much strength in my vocabulary any more. As the song came to a close I opened my eyes and found my reflection staring back at me in the large mirrors on the back wall of the deserted room. My chest was heaving from exertion and my skin was shimmering from the layer of sweat that covered me. The fly-aways of my hair were plastered against my forehead and neck. I looked even more exhausted than I felt. My eyes were dim where they used to shine; my hair seemed a dull blonde instead of the shiny tone it used to have. My once colorful lips were dry and pale. I looked like a train wreck, like someone that was far from happy and healthy. I looked like a ghost of my previous self, and I hated it.
“How do I get you back, Tegan?” I asked myself in the mirror but no answer came.
As the song changed to a slower, sad one, I collapsed to the floor and began to cry silently. It didn’t take long for a full blown sob session to rip through me like a tornado in a trailer park. My emotions were on the fritz, even more than usual. I knew I needed to give Abigail a call so I could talk out what I was feeling; even if it wasn’t something I wanted to do…I needed to do it.
I gathered myself from the floor and wiped away the trail of tears from my face. I didn’t dare look in the mirror after the meltdown I had experienced, because I knew I had looked bad before and I could only imagine how much worse I looked after. An exhausting sigh left me and echoed through the quiet room. I had clicked the radio off on my way back to my office. Silence was what I needed for once, not the sound of words being sung hauntingly to push me into a downward spiral. I took a seat at my desk and stared at my cell phone, contemplating whether or not to pick it up and call Abigail. I knew I needed to, but admitting my low points had always been hard for me. Pushing all negative thoughts from my mind, I picked up my cell phone and quickly hit Abigail’s name in my contacts list. My heart was racing with each ring, until the voicemail answered.
“Dammit!” I swore to myself.
“You have reached Abigail Corning. Sorry I couldn’t take your call, but please leave me a message and I will get back to you as soon as possible. If this is an emergency please call 9-1-1.”
Beep.
“Hey Abigail…it’s Tegan…I…Ummm…I needed to talk. I guess you’re busy with a client, but if you get a free moment please call me back.” I pressed end and slouched back in my chair.
My day was not starting out very well.
I wrapped my coat around me tightly as I speed-walked up the stairs to my apartment. Adalynn was on her way over for the night; we were going to splurge on junk food and watch chick flicks. It had been a while since either of us had had the time to do something like that, so we were taking advantage of it. I shut my apartment door and shrugged my coat off, hanging it on the coat hanger behind the door. I hated being cold, but I also hated wearing a coat, so winters in Chicago had always been a struggle for me. I took a seat at the table and started taking my boots off; they stretched up my legs almost to the knee and zipped the entire way up the inside. I loved boots. Absolutely adored them! The only thing I really liked about winter was the attire that was available: sweaters, boots, and cute ear muffs. Winter apparel was a lot better than any other season, in my opinion.
I pulled my large navy blue sweater up and over my head, leaving myself clothed in the white tank top I was wearing beneath it. The heat in my apartment didn’t have a happy medium, it was either hot as hell or cold as ice and at the moment it was blazing like hell itself. I tapped the down button on the thermostat to try and cool it down a wee bit. Adalynn was like me, she didn’t like it blazing hot or freezing cold; we weren’t meant to live in Chicago if I had to guess. I sent Adalynn a text to let her know that I was home and to come on in when she got there.
I turned the shower on and waited for it to warm up as I brushed my teeth. I knew I would most likely fall asleep during one of our movies so I was getting my nightly rituals out of the way. I dropped my tooth brush into the holder and discarded my clothes. Stepping into the stream of water cascading down on me, I pulled the black and white polka dot shower curtain shut. The water felt good against my skin. I closed my eyes and rested my head against my neck so that my face was aimed up towards the shower head. The sound of the water was all I could hear as I reflected on the day I had had. After my melt down at the studio and lack of contact from Abigail I stayed around the studio for a while. Paperwork needed to be done and the mess I once called my office needed to be straightened up. I spent hours upon hours resituating my office after I finished the invoices for the children’s parents. That’s when Adalynn had called me all but begging to come over and have girl time. I couldn’t say no, not after the morning I had struggled through. I needed someone to be around for the night, and yet again she was my saving grace.
“Hey, bitch!” Adalynn’s voice came from the bathroom doorway.
I laughed. “Hey, bitch,” I countered.
“I brought some
vanilla ice cream and wafers to munch on.”
“Sounds like exactly what I need.” I lathered up my hair with conditioner while we continued to talk.
“I might have also brought a bottle of sweet red wine from my uncle’s stash.” I could hear her smiling widely.
“Gah! Now that’s what I need right about now.”
“How are things with you and Zoey? Any better?” Her voice got louder. I knew she was sliding up onto the counter to make herself at home while I finished showering.
“Eh…We didn’t talk after we got back to their house. Talon and she had it out while I excused myself to the hallway…It was…shitty.” I sighed as I rinsed my hair once more.
“You can’t beat yourself up for acting like a guardian towards her instead of a friend. She’s young, she needed you to tell her what she did was wrong, especially after she took off like that. I bet Talon was super pissed at her.”
“To say the least…” I cut the water off and wrung my hair out. “I didn’t even tell Talon about the worst part of the whole situation.” I pulled down the towel I had draped over the shower curtain, dried my hair off, and wrapped it around my body before I pulled the shower curtain back. Adalynn was perched on the counter just like I had assumed. Her brown hair was pinned in a messy bun on top of her head; she had on minimum makeup, and a pair of pale orange and black jogging pants with a pale orange V neck shirt.
“You look comfortable.” I pointed to her outfit.
“Cut the shit. You’re trying to change the subject because you don’t want to talk about what happened that you didn’t tell Talon.” She knew me all too well.
I left her in the bathroom while I walked into my bedroom to change. “Just because you left the room does not mean you’re getting out of telling me!” Adalynn’s voice became louder as she stepped into the bedroom doorway.
“I’m not avoiding answering the question,” I tried to deflect her.
“And I’m Taylor Swift,” she deadpanned.
I slipped on a pair of pajamas and twisted my hair up into a messy bun, much like hers, and came out of the closet. Adalynn had her arms crossed over her chest as she stared at me, waiting for my response. “Zoey told me I wasn’t her mom…”
Adalynn stepped back like she had been slapped, dropping her arms to her sides. “Oh, Tegan…” Her sympathetic tone made me flinch.
“I mean, I know I’m not her mother—nor would I try to be—it’s just…” I sighed heavily. “I want to be close to Zoey, she doesn’t have a female figure in her life. I don’t want her to think I’m trying to be her mom, I just want her to know I’m here for her and have her best interests in mind.”
“She knows that,” Adalynn tried to convince me.
“I don’t think she does.” I walked past her and headed for the kitchen. A conversation of this magnitude needed loads and loads of ice cream. I pulled two half quarts from the freezer, grabbed two spoons from the strainer beside the sink, and handed Adalynn one of each as I passed her to take a seat on the couch.
“Tegan, she’s seven years old. She’ll throw temper tantrums and call people things she doesn’t truly mean. Just like she yelled at you and said you weren’t her mom. Obviously you’re not her mom, but she was trying to hurt you because you hurt her feelings when she thought she was doing something good, even though it was a reckless thing. Zoey simply thought you were being too hard on her, when we both know you weren’t.” I took a large helping of ice cream into my mouth and thought about what Adalynn was saying. She was right, I just didn’t know how to get across to Zoey that I wasn’t the bad guy.
I turned the spoon around in my mouth and flopped back against the couch cushions. “This just sucks.”
“Yeah, it does. Give her a few days and she’ll be back to her bubbly, bouncing-off-the-walls self.” Adalynn pointed her spoon at me.
“I hope you’re right,” I said through another mouth full of ice cream.
We fell into silence as Adalynn broke out the wafers to go with our ice cream. Cramming our faces, I flipped through movie rentals on my On Demand until we agreed upon a movie about a girl and guy who both have cancer and meet in a support group; from what we had both heard, it was a tear jerker so the tissues were already on hand.
We finished our individual tubs of ice cream as we cried our eyes out at the ending of the movie. It was one of the most heartbreaking chick flicks either of us had watched in a long time. Adalynn helped me clean up our mess from snacking when I heard the cork on the wine bottle pop.
“How did we forget about this bottle of joy?!” I looked over and saw her holding the now open bottle of wine in the air as two wine glasses sat in front of her on the counter. “I know you want some.” She smiled knowingly and began pouring before I had answered.
“Fill it to the rim.”
“I wouldn’t give you any less,” Adalynn chuckled.
She brought both of our glasses, along with the bottle, to the kitchen table where I had sat down. Taking her own seat, she slid my glass towards me, being careful not to spill the wine from the glass. “I told Talon about what happened to me.”
Adalynn paused with her glass midway to her mouth, “Did I just hear you correctly?” She looked shocked.
I nodded my head yes.
“Tegan!” She quickly sat the glass down. “How—what—are you okay?” She was stumbling over her words because she had so many questions.
“We—ugh—almost slept together and I flipped out…I mean completely had a fucking melt down on him.” I chugged a big swig of wine. “It was just time to tell him. There was no way I could get around why I had flipped out and I didn’t want to lie to him.”
“I’m—I’m seriously at a loss of words.” She shook her head and took a drink from her glass. “Have you told Abigail?”
“Not yet.”
“How come?! This is a major event, Tegan! Telling someone other than me and Abigail is a giant move forward for you!”
“I know it is…I called Abigail earlier because I was having a shitty-ass day but she didn’t answer, and she still hasn’t called me back.” I took another large drink of my wine. “I hate being a burden to her. I’m no longer her patient, so I hate taking up her time.”
Adalynn looked at me like I had lost my damn mind. “Seriously?! You know Abigail would drop anything for you, so don’t make yourself believe otherwise.” She poured more wine into each of our glasses.
“You know me…” I raised the glass and frowned before downing half of what she had just poured me.
“Are you sure you’re not trying to drown your sorrows right now?” Adalynn raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow at me.
“I’m sure.” I grinned. “Alcohol just makes things…easier to talk about.” I shrugged my shoulders.
“You know…They say a drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.” She smiled widely.
“So I’ve heard.” She knew I was insinuating the many drunken calls I had received from her when she spilled her diary to me.
“Hey, you’re my best friend, so no judging!”
We both fell into a fit of laughter as we finished the bottle of wine, or what we liked to call, the truth serum.
The next morning Adalynn left before the damn rooster had time to crow. I on the other hand was still buried deep into my covers with a massive headache. Definitely the wine’s fault. We had spent most of the night before talking about the changes I had made since Talon and Zoey walked into my life. Some were really good, while others were not. Adalynn was worried about how I was dealing with everything. She thought I was closing out the past without fully healing. I saw her point, but I didn’t know how to do anything more than what I was doing, which was going with the flow…Well, sort of.
My cell phone started blaring from its resting spot on the pillow beside the one I was snuggled against. I groaned as the ringtone gradually became louder, screaming at me to answer it. “Just stop…” I said to the phone as I flopped my hand on it in an atte
mpt to answer.
“Hey, beautiful.” Talon’s smooth voice filled my ear.
“So loud…” I groaned as I quickly found the side buttons on the phone to turn down the volume.
Talon’s low snicker gave me chills. “I take it you and Adalynn had an eventful night. Sounds like you’re battling a hangover.”
“I hate her,” I mumbled.
“No you don’t.” He laughed again. Damn that laugh. “What was her poison of choice?”
“Wine. Delicious red wine.”
“Ouch! You’re rocking a wine headache.”
“Unfortunately,” I groaned again.
“Let me guess, you’re home alone and still in bed?” His question sounded more like a sarcastic statement.
“You know me so well, Talon Fisher,” I teased.
“I’m learning more each and every day, Tegan Carter.”
I sighed at the sound of my name coming from his sweet voice.
“I’ll be over in about twenty. Dropping Zoey off at a friend’s for the day, while I plan on spending my free day with you.”
“I’d love that.” I smiled widely as we said our goodbyes. I couldn’t wait for Talon to be in my bed with me.
“Do you think we should get out of bed?” I sleepily asked Talon as I trailed kisses across his bare chest. I hadn’t been out of bed all day, not even to let him in, since he had his own key. I had one to his place too. It was a mutual decision after Zoey’s four wheeler wreck. Since we are almost always together anyway, we thought it would be a good idea.
“Not unless one of us is opening the front door to retrieve takeout.” He rolled over causing me to squeal and pinned me to the mattress with my hands above my head. I strained my neck forward just enough to capture his mouth with mine.
Graceful Scars Page 13
