We sat at the table after I plated the food.
“How was your day?” He asked casually.
I beamed. “It was good and I hope you’ll make it better.”
He reached over and cupped my chin. “Anything, Angel.”
“Move in with me.” I blurted it out. We spent so much time together already, I thought this was the next step.
His eyes grew wide. “My job. That would take us out of a gray area where the university had to have proof like an actual statement from you and full on into the teacher-student I crossed a line and my career is over.”
Disappointment flooded me. I knew I shouldn’t have asked. I shouldn’t have pushed. Dropping my head, I looked at my noodles suddenly not hungry but needing the distraction.
“Hey, Angel. This isn’t the time, but it doesn’t mean never.”
I gave a nod trying to keep my emotions under control.
“We have our whole lives together. This is a bump in the road. I love you, Angel.”
The sincerity in his voice was a balm to my wounds. I let it go for the night.
One Year Later
Confidence was …
I stared at the words on my computer screen. I was writing a paper for my Psychology class on developmental fundamentals and where we felt society failed. It was an opinion based assignment which I never liked those. Facts were easy. It was black and white, something happened or it didn’t.
Opinions had many layers.
One’s opinion was ultimately sculpted and fashioned by their life events. It was done on the subconscious level. We didn’t even recognize where the influence to our opinions was coming from most of the time. Tragedies and successes alike molded and formed us into what we perceived and believed. No two individuals saw the same thing.
Even something as simple as colors could be left to interpretation because it was all based on how our eyes reflected the light as to which shades we differentiated. Add in color-blindness and truly a debate could be easily sparked on the shade of something.
That was how I viewed these opinion papers. Like I was in a debate. Except I didn’t care about winning someone to my side. My thoughts and feelings about childhood fundamental emotions, skills, and needs for mental health were mine alone. They were molded and etched into my soul based on the actions of the adults in charge as I was growing up. Those early years were shrouded in fear, pain, and loneliness. Life with James Valencia was scary, shameful, and beyond inappropriate for my age at the time. Giano gave me my escape from it but the damage was already done.
Confidence to me was a key factor lacking in many childhoods. Again this was an opinion based assignment so I had to find a way to explain my thoughts clearly enough to potentially convince a naysayer of what I felt. This wasn’t debate class even though sometimes it felt like it. I didn’t care what anyone else thought of me or my opinions. I wasn’t built that way. Living a glass house where everything had to look pristine with my family taught me that some people cared far too much about the view of others.
My time with Giano wasn’t harsh like with my parents, but there was a level of it that had to be handled delicately. After all in that situation the outsider’s view and interpretations were the keys to keeping our life together on track.
Neither life was what it seemed. In both instances I lived a lie day in and day out. I couldn’t have confidence in myself, not really.
I was never given an opportunity to really find me.
How could I be confident in something that wasn’t real?
To me confidence was a fundamental core of a person that society failed to recognize.
Now, I didn’t buy into the gentle brand of life either. The style where we had to take into account every single emotion before interacting with another human being. It made everything this stilted existence where we walked on eggshells always concerned for emotions and feelings of others. That simply was lack of coping skills … another fundamental many people in today’s society were lacking.
Life was going to kick you while you were down. We must learn to overcome to cope with the bad as much as we enjoy the good.
Look at the number of school shootings that were on the rise, the suicide rates, the world we lived in was not a kind and peaceful place. Emotions were running out of control with a lack of coping mechanisms to stop the extreme measures some feel they are forced to go through to be seen or heard.
Where did it all go so wrong?
Well, the key fundamentals to survival that weren’t instilled in childhood. That’s where the link was broken long before a person truly snaps. Something was missing, one piece to their emotional puzzle wasn’t quite fitting right. There was a gap, a whole. One of those sometimes being confidence.
We need to be raised to believe we have a purpose, a reason for being. Without that what did we have to strive for? What motivated me? My need to escape before Giano. After Giano, my need to thrive.
He gave me an environment when I truly felt the sky was the limit and I should reach for the stars. He gave me a confidence I didn’t have before. When he died I lost that for a time. I had it back now and I was doing well in life.
Confidence was something I was working on. I was finding my place in life here. My place with Shawn. Things were going well. Shawn and I were planning to move in together next year. He was changing jobs to teach at the community college so we didn’t have to be so secretive with our relationship. I didn’t mind. It’s not like I had this crowded social calendar that made hiding him difficult. We practically lived together now, but I didn’t push the issue with him.
He wanted one more year at the higher university pay to finish covering some of his debts and then he could take the pay cut to go to a different school until I graduated. I tried to tell him money wasn’t an issue, but he was a man full of pride who wasn’t about to let me squander my inheritance as he said. I didn’t see it as a waste but rather an investment into our future together.
Apparently that was the wrong thing to say because I wounded his ego.
In the end, I chalked it up to he was going to wait for me to graduate. Given I wanted my doctorate, this meant more time living apart. We were still in love, we just had to tread water a little while longer.
The male mind was a difficult place to navigate. Although, I was sure men felt the same way about women.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Six Months Later
Tom’s party was nice. He graduated two weeks ago and Alex and Ginger were throwing him a surprise party.
Shawn couldn’t come with me so Jenny came as my plus one.
We arrived at their home and made our way to the door. Jenny wore a t-shirt dress that went to her knees with these fringe boots and a hat on covering her dark hair that came down in two braids.
“Why are you so nervous?” I asked watching her wring her hangs as we rang the doorbell.
“I don’t know. I’ve met Tom like four or five times when he’s studied with you or met us for lunch. He lives a unique lifestyle. I don’t want to offend his women,” she gasped and covered her mouth, “do I even call them that? I mean it sounds caveman like.”
I fell into a fit of laughter as Tom opened the door letting us in for the barbeque.
The party was nice. Jenny had a good time and Tom loved his gift that I purchased of a Cartier Diabolo de Cartier rollerball pen. An overly professional pen for a man going into a professional world. I thought it fitting, he found it insane.
It was our friendship though and he had truly help me navigate my classes and career path.
**
Shawn stood at the end of the bed drinking me in. He moved in yesterday. It was a surprise, but a pleasant one. Since he was already spending the night all the time it truly didn’t change things other than I now had mismatched furniture in my house and a storage unit with his stuff that we didn’t necessarily need at this time. He stood at the end of what was now officially our bed with no shirt and just some low-slung work o
ut pants.
I found it to be sexy as hell.
My time with him had erased so much of the heartache I carried with me. With every passing day my exuberance for life grew. I had a new passion and it wasn’t pushing my body to the limits to avoid the emotional pain anymore. I ran because I enjoyed it and sometimes I needed to clear my head, but it was no longer a broken coping mechanism. I swam because it was a fun time to tease Shawn at the college pool when no one else was there.
He put in his resignation and would be going to the community college next semester. We were free to be happy and in love together wherever we were. I was sure some people figured it out, but since I wasn’t his student specifically there wasn’t much anyone could do.
We had a good life together.
We were good for each other.
Two broken people finding happiness together.
I was no longer lost, but had found myself in him.
The longer he stood there without touching me the more insecurity began to creep in. Even thought I had come so far, at times I still felt like the nine-year-old girl stuck in a bed wanting to hide away. It didn’t happen often, but his delay played on my insecurities. I began to cover my breasts with my arms when he smirked.
“Let me look at you. Let me admire the woman I want to be all mine forever.” His eyes were filled with passion, love, and adoration. The way he looked at me reminded me of the pictures I saw of Giano and Nylene. The way Shawn was looking at me now, it was the same way Giano stared at his wife. The one of a kind love I never thought I would know.
I paused trying to follow his words, his thoughts, all while wanting him to kiss me. Love filled the space between us. Happiness was in our home. My life was good, really good.
That’s when he reached in the pocket of his low slung workout pants. The black box teased me as he opened it. My mouth dropped open in surprise.
“I want this life with you, Angel. I want you to be my wife. Will you marry me?”
I rose up in the bed to be on my knees. “Yes!”
Tears fell from my eyes in happy streams. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me.
The onslaught came fast and hard as we both began kissing each other with more fervor than ever before. My lips tingled from the way he sucked and bit them.
Lowering his head, he took my nipple in his mouth sucking hard before backing away and blowing on the sensitive area. He stepped back out of my reach.
I whimpered.
“Angel, I want my ring on your finger,” he explained and I let out a small laugh.
He slid the pear shaped diamond on my finger before attacking my nipple once more. I wanted to admire the diamond but I also wanted the connection to my man. This was my happily ever after. Everything bad from my past felt a lifetime ago and my future seemed as bright as the sun.
In a moment, I was writhing and thrashing for more as pleasure shot through my body.
Nipping around my collarbone, he traced his fingers around my inner thigh, teasing me. Slowly he parted my pussy lips with his fingers circling my clit with his thumb.
I moaned in delight as he slid one finger inside of me setting a slow, steady pace. With his mouth on my breast, he worked my whole body as I became consumed with pleasure and love and overwhelming happiness.
He kissed his way south, reaching the juncture between my legs. Keeping his rhythm with his fingers he blew on my sex. Every nerve ending inside me burned with desire as he leisurely laps my juices while now sliding two fingers in and out of me.
I arched seeking more. His mouth left my pussy and came to kiss me as his cock slid inside. I could taste myself on his tongue and it set me ablaze.
In a moment I soared over the edge as he continues to work himself and me into a second orgasm.
We were two who joined together as one.
And this was my future.
**
“Good morning, Angel,” Uncle Zozo greeted answering my call on the second ring.
“He asked and I said yes!” I squealed like a child unable to contain my excitement.
“Asked what Angel?” Uncle Zozo prompted.
“Uncle Zozo, you know what!” I chastised. “Shawn told me he asked for your blessing.”
“Oh, blessings. Family is truly the biggest blessing we can have in life Angel.” His tone was sincere. “I wasn’t given a family of my own. No woman was strong enough to love a brute like me, but you were a gift Angel. Not only for Giano, but me.”
“Uncle Zozo,” I whispered as the emotions were bringing tears to my eyes. “I love you too.”
“You’ve been through so much, Angel. More than most could endure. You have done so with pride and dignity. You are gracious, kind, loving, and intelligent. Shawn is a lucky man, but he knows this. You have found a way to keep going when many would have crumbled. I’m proud of you and I am so happy for you and Shawn.”
“Thank you. I am happy in a way I never thought possible.”
“I look forward to seeing you in your dress and watching you take another step forward in life.”
After a few more moments, we ended the call. I had a day to spend with my fiancé celebrating.
My life had been down many dark paths. For once I felt surrounded in light.
I never wanted this feeling to end.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
FOUR MONTHS LATER
The white dress fit me to a tee. It was a mermaid style with a small train off the back. The lace overlay covered the satin fabric that had stopped at my shoulders with just lace coming down my arms to my wrists giving me full sleeves. The scoop neck underlay gave a hint of cleavage but the lace was a full collar therefore still protecting my modesty.
Uncle Alanzo stood in front of me with the lace veil in his hand. “Before I adorn your head with the last piece, I have a gift for you Angel.”
Tears filled my eyes. I didn’t have family except Alanzo who was here today. We had our friends in attendance, but the ceremony was relatively small. We decided against a bridal party so I would be walking down the aisle alone to Shawn standing with the priest waiting.
It was he and I against the world and we had a bond that could conquer it all.
I asked Alanzo to pin my veil on before I walked down the aisle because I wanted a moment with him.
Alanzo reached in his coat pocket and pulled out an envelope.
“This is from Giano,” he explained handing me the envelope.
I took a deep breath. “Can you put on my veil and then I will have a moment privately, please?”
“Whatever you need, Angel.”
He lifted the veil and moved it in place. The clips pinched into my hair. Before he released it, I reached up and gripped his wrists. “Uncle Zozo, thank you,” I whispered as I fought back my emotions.
“No need to thank me, Angel.”
“Thank you for being a man who stayed the course with me. Thank you for keeping my secrets even to this day. Thank you for your acceptance. Thank you for your gentle pushes when I needed them. Thank you for being a source of strength when I was weak. I don’t know how I’m going to go on without it.”
His eyes glassed over. “You have been a gift to a man who deserved nothing in life. You are a treasure and the very best part of my day. You will not go on without me today. We just extend our family to include Shawn. You’ve chosen well, Angel. He’s a strong man to walk away from the life he did. I’m proud of him and the woman you have grown into.”
He kissed my cheek before lowering the veil over my face.
“I’ll leave you to Giano’s words. Whenever you’re ready come out.”
I sat down and held the envelope against my chest.
I let my mind wonder.
Would he be proud of me?
Would he find me beautiful?
If he hadn’t taken his life would we be together? As much as I told myself my feelings for him were wrong, I couldn’t help but still find love and respect for the man even now all these years lat
er. I still hadn’t worked through all of my grief.
I loved Shawn.
I loved the life I had with him.
But was this the life Giano wanted for me? I didn’t know and the answer to that may lie inside this envelope. I just wasn’t sure I was strong enough to face it.
I sat in place, my wedding gown on, my hair and makeup perfect and I was lost once again.
Would I find the peace I sought in this letter? The solace I sought would it be found?
Carefully, I lifted the flap and removed the contents. Another envelope fell onto my lap, the handwriting was unfamiliar.
I lifted the paper that came out first and immediately saw that it was in Giano’s script.
My Angel,
Today you begin a life as another man’s wife. I want to say so many things to you and I’m not sure the words will come out right so I decided a letter in advance was necessary.
You came into my life at my darkest hour.
A gift.
A treasure.
An angel.
I was seeking vengeance and in you I found solace. You gave me peace with what had happened to my life, you gave me hope, and you gave me a reason to continue on.
Time has passed, we have made memories. I have watched you grow from a young girl into a beautiful young woman. Your strength to endure, you passion, your will to never give up, they are all wonderful traits, but it’s your peace, your calm in every storm that will get you through every obstacle in life.
My wish is that you have found a man worthy of you. For you are a gift from the Heavens to everyone you touch. I hope you have found a man who gives you the same comfort and peace that you gave to me in my turmoil. I hope that you have no pain, my Angel. I hope that you have no reason to chase the demons away anymore.
I hope you have solace for in my darkest time you gave that gift to me.
You gave me the light and the freedom to breathe again.
I couldn’t give you a mother. I could only stand in as a father and a friend. There are many gifts I wished I could have given you, but today I give you the last gift I can.
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