by A. E. Radley
She could only watch so much television before her eyes started to ache and she longed for some silence. Living alone was great in that you could do whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted, but it was also boring.
She thought back fondly to the evenings she’d spent with Hannah and Rosie. They’d talked and laughed for hours, with never a dull moment.
Alice frowned. Hannah hadn’t been back to the hospital, and Alice didn’t know what that meant. Hopefully that she was busy with work and nothing more sinister. She wanted to talk to her, explain everything, and suggest they try again.
Of course, Hannah needed to do something about her tendency to assume the worst. And Alice needed her to understand that she couldn’t be judged solely upon the fact she had attended a boarding school herself.
There was a lot to discuss, but so far, there had been no opportunity to do so.
The door opened. Alice wondered if she’d be lucky enough to see Hannah step over the threshold at the exact moment she was thinking about her.
“Only me,” Lucy greeted.
Alice tried not to look disappointed. “Hello, are you here to break me out?”
Lucy had been to see her every day and had even offered to drive her home.
“I am. How are you feeling?”
“Much better.” It was the same stock answer that she gave to anyone who asked. In truth, she felt terrible, but she knew it was nothing that time and rest wouldn’t fix.
“How is Rosie doing?” She’d asked before, but she wanted to ask again, wanted to reassure herself that everything was fine. A few seconds’ glimpse of the girl asleep in her hospital room hadn’t been enough to keep her panic at bay.
“Fantastic. You’d never know she’d been in the building. Hannah said she’s even sleeping through the night with no issues or nightmares. Kids are resilient.” Lucy sat down. “Hannah said to tell you that she’ll come and see you tomorrow, if that’s all good with you?”
Alice nodded quickly. “Yes, that would be great.”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to call your parents?” Lucy asked again. “They might hear and be worried?”
Alice had already said no, but she hadn’t felt strong enough to explain why.
“We haven’t spoken for many years,” Alice admitted. “I’m gay. They don’t approve.”
“Oh!” Lucy looked shocked. Alice didn’t know if it was the banishment by her parents or the fact that she was gay that caused the reaction.
“I’m sorry your parents feel that way,” Lucy said sadly. “We’re a bit dated here in Fairlight, but everyone is very open and welcoming, so you’ll have a new family in us.”
The tight feeling in Alice’s chest increased as her emotions threatened to bubble over.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
Throughout her life she’d encountered all kind of reactions to her sexuality, but the first people she’d come out to had been her parents. The ongoing rift between them hurt her deeply and would most likely never be healed. They weren’t about to change their minds, and she wasn’t going to miraculously change who she was.
But knowing that some people accepted her without a second thought, that still made her emotional. How could strangers be so kind when flesh and blood were so cruel?
“I thought I’d drop you off at home, raid your cupboards to see what you need, and then pop to the shops for you. I have to get some groceries myself anyway. That way, you can stay in for a couple of days until you’re feeling better.”
“That’s very kind.” Alice shuffled to sit up a little. “How are things at school?”
“Hardaker’s got some cleaners in. The damage isn’t as bad as it looked at first. A couple of rooms are gutted, but everything is structurally sound. It’ll be another week before we are back up and running.”
“Do they know what started the fire yet?”
“The electrics in the cellar. Something sparked, hit the wooden door, and up it went.” Lucy shook her head. “Hardaker will have some questions to answer about maintenance once everything is back to normal.”
Alice hoped that Hardaker would be forced to retire. She didn’t want his job, but she did want someone who actually cared about the children in the role. He wasn’t a bad man, just lazy and ineffective. She’d never forgive his shoddy maintenance for almost killing Rosie.
“I need to speak to Colin Whittaker,” Alice mumbled.
“I think he’s grounded for a decade,” Lucy said.
“That’s not going to help him. The boy has issues. There’s something deeper going on there.”
“That’s true, but that’s for another day,” Lucy said. She turned to the nurse who was still in the room, making notes on her clipboard. “Right. Who do we need to bribe to get her discharged?”
33 EXPLANATIONS
“You will tell her, won’t you?” Rosie’s pout was firmly set on her face.
“I will tell her. I promise.”
“And you’ll not forget to give her the drawing,” Rosie added.
Hannah tapped her pocket. “I have the drawing right here. I won’t forget.”
Rosie blew out a long, hard done-by breath. “Why can’t I go?”
Hannah crouched down and looked at Rosie seriously. “I know you want to see Miss Spencer, I understand that. But she’s still recovering, and we have to have a serious conversation which would be very boring for you. Not to mention that I don’t believe for one second that you’d be able to keep quiet about all the things happening at the school.”
Rosie’s eyes lit up. Hannah laughed and pointed at her face. “See? Right there, that’s the face of someone who cannot keep a secret.”
“I can!” Rosie proclaimed. “Sometimes.”
“Okay, we’ll work on your poker face, and maybe you can see her in a few days. But for now, I need to see her alone. And you’ll have a great time helping Uncle Adrian out at school.”
The doorbell rang, and Hannah let out a sigh of relief. She’d been building up to this moment for a while, knowing she couldn’t avoid it. Of course, she wanted desperately to see Alice, but she also knew she had a lot of apologising to do, apologies which might not be accepted.
“Come on, pumpkin. Let’s go.” They walked down the stairs and out into the street. Adrian greeted them both, and they all climbed into his car.
“Nervous?” he asked quietly as they drove towards Alice’s house.
“Yep.” She popped the p.
“You’ll be fine.”
He’d been telling her that all along. She wasn’t sure how he had come to that conclusion. He didn’t know Alice, hadn’t been there for the fight. And yet, somehow, he felt sure that everything would be okay.
Or he was just saying that in order to keep her calm.
Most likely the latter.
“This is the address,” he said as they pulled up to a small cottage on the edge of town.
“Be good,” she called out as she opened the car door.
“She’s always good,” Adrian told her.
“She was talking about you,” Rosie informed him.
“She’s right. Love you, pumpkin!” She closed the door and walked up the small pathway to the door. Her legs felt like concrete.
She heard the car drive away and felt suddenly alone and terrified. She wanted to turn around and run away. She didn’t want to hear Alice tell her once and for all that their burgeoning relationship was over.
The door opened before she had a chance to knock.
She must have looked shocked as Alice explained, “I saw you from the kitchen window. Come in.”
Being invited in, good start, Hannah thought.
She stepped into the hallway. There were still some moving boxes in the corner, but it was cosy and quaint.
She took a deep breath and finally made eye contact with Alice. “How are you?” she asked. She looked better than she did at the hospital, but still ashen and not her usual self.
“Better,” Alice said. “N
ot fully recovered, but I’m sure it won’t be long. Can I get you a drink?”
Hannah shook her head. “I should be making you a drink, you’re just out of hospital!” She brushed past Alice towards the kitchen, where she picked up the kettle from the counter and filled it with water.
Alice walked into the room, and Hannah gestured towards the dining area.
“You rest.”
“I’ve been resting endlessly.”
“Well, rest some more. I want to make you a drink. It will make me feel better.” Hannah knew she could never repay Alice for what she had done. She also knew there was a very big chance that Alice wouldn’t forgive her and that this would be the final time they spoke like this. It soothed her to keep busy, to be finding her way around an unfamiliar kitchen and making drinks rather than twiddling her thumbs.
With a few instructions, Hannah made hot tea for them both and then took a seat at the dining table. She realised that her distraction was over and now she had to speak. The air had to be cleared.
“Hannah, I need to explain,” Alice started.
Hannah quickly shook her head. “I know about the online course.”
Alice looked confused. “You know?”
“Hardaker explained. After you’d gone into the building and I was being held back from running in after you. I felt so stupid. I can’t believe what I said to you, what I accused you of. You’re fully within your rights to never forgive me, but I wanted to try to explain and to apologise.”
Alice looked down at her mug. “Go on.”
Hannah blew out a nervous breath. “I… I’m a loner. Always have been. And I’m pretty much set to negative. I always think something will go wrong. I make stupid assumptions about people, their motivations, the weather, you name it. But it gets worse when I really care.”
Hannah shuffled nervously in her seat. “I’m used to it just being me and Rosie against the whole world. I love her so much that I just want to protect her from everything in a way I was never protected, but I realise I go too far. I shelter her too much. And I’m always waiting for something to go wrong.
“So, when you came into our lives, I was scared from the first moment I spoke to you. Scared that you would somehow upset the balance in our little world, scared that you’d hurt Rosie or me or both of us. Not because I think you’re a bad person, but because that’s what I’m used to. Good things didn’t really happen to me when I was growing up. I don’t want to sit here and spin you a sob story, but things were rough, and it’s always stuck with me.”
Hannah threw her head back and looked at the ceiling for a couple of moments while she thought about what to say next. She lowered her head and looked sincerely at Alice.
“When I saw that leaflet it was like… almost relief that I’d found the thing that was wrong with you.”
Alice chuckled.
“No, seriously,” Hannah said. “I’d been waiting for you to say you didn’t want to see me anymore, or for you to be married, or for something to come between us. I saw the leaflet, and it was like I’d found it, I found the thing that would end it all. No more waiting to see what would go wrong. No more worrying that it would come at a time when I’d become so close to you that it could break my heart.”
Alice nodded in understanding but remained silent.
“I said some things I regret. I reacted like a child having a tantrum. I didn’t give you a chance to explain. And for all of that I’m so, so sorry. I will understand if you don’t want to see me again.”
“What if I do want to see you again?” Alice asked calmly.
Hannah hadn’t expected that. “I… well, that…”
“You see, I know we’ve not known each other for very long,” Alice said, “but I’ve become very fond of you. And Rosie, of course. And I don’t think, personally, that it’s worth ruining whatever this is over a simple misunderstanding.”
Hannah could hear the blood rushing through her ears. She hadn’t expected this. A second chance was being given to her, so freely and easily.
“I’d like that. No, actually, I’d love that,” Hannah said honestly.
“You have to make some promises to me, though.” Alice turned serious. “No more storming away. If we have a disagreement or a misunderstanding, we talk. I understand that you err towards the negative, and that’s completely natural. Many people do. But I don’t ever want you to walk away from me like that again, if you can help it.”
“I’ll try my best,” Hannah agreed.
“I’m also at fault. I became upset by what you said and the assumptions you made. I could have easily put the brakes on that entire argument, but I didn’t. I was hurt by your assumption about my own upbringing.”
Hannah hung her head in shame. “I’m sorry.”
“I need to explain something to you,” Alice said.
Hannah looked up and waited, as Alice seemed to mentally prepare herself to speak.
“I knew I was gay when I was very young. With absolutely certainty from when I was old enough to understand anything about relationships and love. I just knew. And, after a few years of trying to figure out what it all meant, I told my parents that I was gay. The change in our family dynamic was immediate. Quite simply, my parents stopped loving me. I felt certain that it would change over time, but it didn’t.”
Hannah reached out and caught Alice’s hand and held it tight.
“Years went by, not many, but enough to really cement that there was no loving relationship between us anymore. My grades were excellent, and I heard about the concept of boarding schools. I applied for information. The idea of getting away from my parents was the only light I had.”
Alice twisted her hand around and grasped Hannah’s.
“When my dad found the leaflets and asked if I wanted to go to boarding school, I said I did. And that was that. I was out of the house two weeks later. I didn’t go home during school breaks. The other students and the teachers became my family. It’s why I went into teaching. I never went back home.”
Hannah felt sick to her stomach. The idea that a parent could eliminate their own child from their life based upon their choice of partner was beyond her comprehension. Nothing Rosie could ever do would stop her from loving her, no matter what path she took. It wouldn’t be possible for her to not love her own DNA.
“I…” Hannah swallowed. “I’m so sorry.”
“I know there is a stereotypical view of people who go to boarding school, and I know that my parents spent a lot of money to send me there. But it isn’t like the media would have you believe. And, for me as well as for some of my friends, it was a haven away from terrible parents. Something I seem to think you have some understanding of?”
Hannah softly inclined her head. “Yes.” She wasn’t ready to share that part of her story yet. “I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions and said what I said. I don’t feel that way, not really. I was just being defensive. It’s my biggest problem. I’m working on it, though.”
“At least it comes from a place of love,” Alice said, a smile starting to grace her face. “It’s an admirable trait.”
“Maybe a place of fear, too,” Hannah confessed. “You… I was frightened by just how quickly you were becoming important to me.” Hannah decided it was time to be bold and honest. If Alice wasn’t on the same page, then it was better to know now.
Her answer came in the form of Alice’s smile, which even met her twinkling eyes.
“I’m glad I’m not the only one to feel that way,” Alice admitted. “I don’t know what it is about you, Hannah Hall, but I just can’t stop thinking about you.”
Hannah’s heart felt full to bursting. Maybe she hadn’t ruined everything. Maybe there was a chance that she could have a happy ending with this wonderful woman in front of her.
“It’s just so fast,” Hannah said. “I got so scared.”
“I’ve never felt like this before,” Alice said, grasping Hannah’s hand tighter and sitting a little closer. “And I understand
your fear, really I do. You have Rosie to think of as well. And god, I love that little girl, and I love how much you love her. You’re filled with love for each other, and it makes me so happy to see it. She’s okay, isn’t she? I know there must be some trauma. She was terrified, but—”
“She’s good, she’s bounced right back. I’m sure we’ll have some nightmares and some such as she processes things, but all she’s been talking about is you and wondering if you’re okay.” Reluctantly, she pulled her hand back and pulled the drawing out of her pocket. “She demanded I give you this.”
Alice took the folded sheet of paper and slowly unravelled it. She snorted a laugh. “So, this…”
“Yep, that’s you in a burning building with her. Doesn’t it make you feel better?” Hannah laughed.
“It’s… lovely?” Alice questioned before laughing again. She held a hand over her chest. “Oh, it hurts to laugh.”
“I’m sorry.” Hannah giggled and folded up the drawing. “I’ll tell her you loved it, obviously.”
“I appreciate the time and the effort, if not the final result. I don’t think I ever want to be reminded about that again.”
Hannah’s hand shook and wedged it under her thigh. She hadn’t even been in the building, but she was still terrified. She knew she had no right to be, not in comparison to what Alice had been through.
“I want to tell you to never do that again,” Hannah confessed, “but if you hadn’t, then… Rosie.” A sob escaped her, and she quickly covered her mouth with her hand. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
Alice was on her feet in an instant, she leant over Hannah and wrapped her arms around her shoulders. “Don’t be sorry. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you. Knowing that Rosie was in there and unable to do anything, it must have been terrifying.”
Hannah took some calming breaths and got herself under control. She reminded herself that everything was fine, that all her darkest fears were just fears. Everyone was safe. She nodded, indicating that she was okay.
