by Rayne Hall
The reader probably knows what the Point of View character wants, but not necessarily what the others are after. She may learn about some of them later, for example about the governess's complicity in the jewel thefts, but others are not part of the story and don't matter to the plot, such as the footman's ambitions. Yet even the irrelevant agendas add vibrancy to the scene.
Try it for yourself with this exercise: let's say John and Mary are young people on a first date in a restaurant. The plot of the scene is about John and Mary. Other characters have walk-on parts, such as the waiter who serves them.
John asks the waiter what wine he recommends. This brief exchange simply serves to inject variety, so the whole scene isn't constant John-and-Mary banter. It's of little relevance to the plot, and the waiter will never play a role again.
Go ahead, write those two lines.
John: “xxx”
Waiter: “xxxx”
Done? Good job. You've probably come up with an appropriate exchange, but not spent much thought on crafting it because the waiter is unimportant.
Now give both John and the waiter an agenda.
Let's say, John wants to impress his date, and wants to hide his ignorance of wines.
The waiter's agenda is to get a big tip.
Write this. I bet it is immediately more interesting.
If you like, play with the following variations. Pick one agenda for John, and one for the waiter.
Possible agendas for John:
- John tries to engage the waiter in conversation, so he can avoid the topic Mary wants to talk about.
- John aims to emphasise his wealth and generosity.
- John seeks to get rid of the waiter, so he can continue his intimate conversation with Mary.
- John wants to distract the waiter's attention from something embarrassing Mary is doing.
Possible agendas for the waiter:
- The waiter is a foreign student who seeks to practise his English.
- The waiter is an aspiring actor. He hopes to gain the attention of the casting director at the next table.
- The waiter is stressed, and he wants to finish this table quickly.
- The waiter earns a bonus each time a patron orders the most expensive wine. He tries to persuade John to order this wine.
Have fun!
ASSIGNMENT
Choose a scene from a fiction draft you've written, where the dialogue feels dull. Revise it so each character has an agenda.
Or
Write a new scene and give each character an agenda to pursue.
4 SHORT SENTENCES FOR NATURAL-SOUNDING DIALOGUE
Dialogue needs to sound real—but the way people talk in real life doesn't sound right in fiction. As an author, aim not to recreate real conversations, but to create an illusion of reality.
If you imitate real life dialogue too closely, you'll end up with unfocussed, dragging drivel. Instead, I suggest a technique which is exactly the opposite of how real people talk.
Write the dialogue in short sentences—shorter than the narrative sentences, and much shorter than the rambling run-ons you hear in real life. The shorter the sentences, the more 'real' they feel to the reader.
Simply take any dialogue sentence that's longer than twelve words and split it into two or more short ones, perhaps shaving off unneeded words at the same time. Here are two examples.
Before
“I admit haven't been the best husband, but I promised to love you, for better or for worse, and I meant it and still do."”
After
“I' admit I haven't been the best husband. But I promised to love you, for better or for worse. I meant it. I still do."”
Before
“Does that look on your face mean you expected not me, but someone else, such as that Italian who lives in the next door flat?”
After
“You look surprised. Did you expect someone else? That Italian from next door?"”
Here is another technique for real-sounding dialogue:
Use contractions (hasn't, haven't, hadn't, doesn't, don't, didn't, won't, wouldn't, shan't, shouldn't, I'm, I've, you're and so on). They give the dialogue a natural flavour.
Before
“You are a fool. You should not have done that."”
After
"You're a fool. You shouldn't have done that."
However, you can leave off the contractions when characters speak in a formal context or seek to emphasise something: " “You are my daughter, and I am telling you: You shall not see this man again."
Foreigners grappling with the English language may also not use contractions.
Another factor to bear in mind for realistic dialogue is not to have the characters address one another by name all the time:
Before
"Have you seen my purse, John?"
"Nope, Mary, I haven't.
"But, John, you were here all the time."
"Sorry, Mary, I have no idea what you're talking about."
After
"Have you seen my purse?"
"Nope, I haven't."
"But you were here all the time."
"Sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about."
The exception is when one character tries to get the other's attention:
"John!" Mary raced across the road. "Wait for me, John!"
ASSIGNMENT
Take a dialogue scene you've drafted. Do the characters talk in long sentences? (I don't want to lay down the rule for what constitutes 'long' but as a guideline, I suggest anything longer than twelve words.) If yes, see if you can split those long sentences into several short ones. At the same time, use contractions if appropriate.
Does it sound more natural now? It should.
5 HOW TO MAKE DIALOGUE PITHY, SIZZLING AND TIGHT
Dialogue scenes penned by inexperienced writers tend to drag. Even seasoned writers struggle to keep the verbal exchanges pithy.
Here are some techniques. The main point is to stop imitating real life chats. Converted into print, real conversations are tediously slow-paced and dull.
LEAVE OUT THE BORING BITS
Ruthlessly cut anything that doesn't drive the plot forward. Where real people use several to-and-fro exchanges, condense it to just one. The best candidates for cutting are greetings, courtesies, and ritualised small talk. In real life, they're polite and often crucial. In fiction, they're tedious ballast that puts readers off.
Here's an example of a real life exchange:
“Hi, John.”
“Hi, Mary.”
“How have you been, John?”
“Fine, thanks, and you?”
“Not too bad. What are you doing this weekend, any plans?”
“Oh, this and that. Not sure yet. How about you?”
“I may go to the beach concert. Are you going?”
“Dunno yet. Why do you ask? Perhaps.”
How do you feel reading this? I bet you're bored, and if you saw this in a novel, you'd skip some paragraphs in search of more exciting stuff.
Now compare this version:
“Hi John. Will you go to the beach concert?”
“Why do you ask?”
This is much tighter and more exciting, with the beginnings of sizzling tensions. The reader is hooked. She wants to know: will John go to the concert? What interest does Mary have in whether or not he goes? Why does he evade? What's going on between those two, and what's going to happen?
DON'T REPEAT
When people talk in real life, they often say the same thing over and over until it sinks in, but in fiction dialogue, tight speech without repetition creates more emphasis.
Say everything just once, in the snappiest way possible, and the reader pays attention. If you repeat content, the reader tunes out.
LEAVE OUT UNNECESSARY WORDS
The fewer words, the snappier the dialogue.
In real life, people often talk faster than they think, so they use filler words like 'really' and '
quite' to give their brain time to catch up with the mouth.
When people converse in tight phrases, the dialogue sizzles. This works especially well for hero/heroine dialogues, and for anything involving the villain.
Cut all superfluous words from your characters' speeches. Play around with what they say until it's as tight as you can make it.
Superfluous words may be, for example: quite, rather, so to speak, in a way, therefore, really, very, completely, totally, absolutely, for the purpose of, somewhat, somehow, anyway.
Cutting a few words and phrases can make dialogue more realistic and more exciting. But don't get carried away. Keep some unnecessary words if they serve to characterise the speaker.
Here are examples of 'wordy' and 'tight' dialogue:
Wordy:
“I'm not sure I understand what you're saying, Mary. Let me get this right. Are you saying that you're leaving me?”
Tight:
“You're leaving me?”
Wordy:
“You know, I reckon you may be missing a chance that won't come again in this lifetime. Are you absolutely sure you want to do that?”
Tight:
“Do you want to miss this chance?”
Wordy:
“At least tell me where you're going.”
“It's really obvious where I'm going, after what has just happened. I'm going home, of course. You shouldn't need to ask.”
Tight:
“Where are you going?”
“Home.”
Wordy:
“What John told you just now isn't true. It was really a lie.”
Tight:
“John lied.”
Tightening Exercise:
Since it's easier to tighten other people's writing, you may want to practise with these lines before you edit your own:
1. “I can't say I'm completely sure about this.”
2. “I'm sorry but I guess that's it, then, really.”
3. “This is simply so unbelievable.”
4. “I must say, the time has come when it has become absolutely necessary that all of us unite for our cause.”
5. “You may not like me asking this, but I have to know, so please tell me the truth why you are late.”
CREATE ZINGERS
Zingers are pithy, succinct, evocative one-liners. In just a few words, the character expresses a whole world of meaning and attitude.
In real life, people don't talk in zingers. They simply don't have time to refine every uttering until it's diamond-sharp. If you want to hear zingers, watch a movie. Scriptwriters have refined them to an art.
Readers love zingers—but how do you create them?
Pick an existing dialogue line in which an important character says something impactful or provocative. Prune it. Shave off every word that's not absolutely necessary, until you're left with the bare essence. Replace dull words with short vivid ones. Now it zings.
Example (without Zinger):
Mary: “You don't know what kind of man my husband is, and what he's capable of.”
John: “I'm starting to think maybe you don't know your husband all that well yourself.”
The same with Zinger:
Mary: “You don't know what kind of man my husband is, and what he's capable of.”
John: “Do you?”
Most zingers work only in the context of the story, so I can't give you many examples because you'd need to read the book to understand what they're about.
The character who delivers a zinger comes across as clever, spunky, witty, superior—perfect for your heroine and hero. Your villain may fling zingers, too. Perhaps one or two other important characters use them as well. But don't waste zingers on minor characters.
Zingers work especially well in confrontation scenes and for flirtatious banter. They also make brilliant parting shots. Whoever has the last word, wins – and if the last word happens to be a zinger, the effect is a big Wow!
ASSIGNMENT
Choose an important dialogue scene from a fiction draft, and revise it. Make it tight—edit out the unnecessary bits and the repetitions, and pare the words until it becomes snappy. Can you think of a zinger, or maybe several?
6 HOW TO GIVE EACH CHARACTER A UNIQUE VOICE
Do your characters all sound the same? Do they talk the way their author talks? In this section you'll learn how to make them sound differently.
Think of each character's key personality traits. Define them in adjectives, for example, honest, sensitive, ambitious, greedy, pessimistic, resentful. I suggest five for the main protagonist, four for main characters, three for minor characters and two for walk-on roles. (Of course your characters are more complex than a five-word description, but for this technique, it's best to focus on the key traits.)
Whenever the character speaks, her words reflect one of those traits, either in content (what she says) or in style (how she says it). Let the characters' personalities shine through in everything they say.
Here are some examples of how the content can reflect the personality.
Resentful: "Without Mary's meddling, we would have won the award."
Forgiving: "Mary wasn't up to the task, but she did her best."
Ambitious: "Let's go for next year's award and do better."
Pessimistic: "Is it worth trying again next year? We don't have a real chance."
Optimistic: "Is it worth trying again next year? We may stand a better chance then."
Cynical: "How much does it cost to bribe the judges? Does our budget stretch that far?"
How would a person with these characteristics talk? What word choices and speech patterns reflect this personality? Here are some examples:
Self-centred: this person begins everything she says with 'I...' The words 'me', 'my', 'mine' also feature a lot in her conversation.
Timid, insecure: she uses qualifiers and excuses. Her conversations contain “rather”, “quite”, “somewhat”, “I would like to say”, “maybe”, “On the other hand”, “If I may say so”, “Forgive me for being so outspoken, but”, “This may sound strange, but”, “I think that perhaps”, “more or less”. She prefaces requests and statements with apologies: “I'm sorry to bother you. I wonder if it's possible to...” “I'm probably wrong, but...”
Pompous: a multi-syllabic word in every sentence: "The exoneration of the thefts..." "We must take into consideration that..."
Bossy: often phrases sentences as commands. “Take a taxi.” “Call me tomorrow.”
Status-seeking: name drops and mentions status symbols at every opportunity: “Last week, the duchess told me...” “When I parked my Porsche...”
Gushing: this character talks in superlatives like “the cutest”, “the worst”, “the most terrifying”, with additions of “absolutely”, “totally”, “completely”, “utterly”, “ever”, “never”, “forever”.
Let’s look how this might work in practice. Four different people say, “I'm late because there was an hour-long queue.”
Self-centred character: “I'm sorry I'm late. I had to wait a precious hour in a queue, as if I didn't have more important things to do.”
Insecure, indecisive, weak character: “I'm sorry I'm rather late. There was quite a queue, maybe an hour.”
Gushing, effusive, highly-strung character: “I'm soooo sorry I'm late. The queue there was absolutely appalling, and I had to wait forever and ever.”
Bossy character: “Don't think I'm late on purpose. Imagine standing in a queue for an hour.”
If these people talk about the day their house burnt down, they may phrase it like this:
Self-centred character: “I tell you, I've never been so frightened in my life. This was my home, my shelter, my everything. I stood there watching my belongings go up in flames, and my memories with it. My husband was as helpless as I. I'm just glad my kids are safe.”
Insecure, indecisive, weak character: “The fire was quite fierce, and spread rather quickly. We all got out more or l
ess in time, but if I may say so, we were somewhat shaken.”
Gushing, effusive, highly-strung character: “It was absolutely horrifying, the worst nightmare. There was this unbelievably tremendous heat, the hugest flames you've ever seen, and the biggest column of the darkest smoke. It went on forever and ever, and I lost absolutely everything. It was utterly devastating.”
Bossy character: “Imagine the flames, the smoke, the heat. Don't think anyone could have saved anything. Never let your own kids play with matches.”
Here's an exercise for you to try:
