Writing Vivid Dialogue

by Rayne Hall

  * It attributes the speech to the speaker, without any need for 'he said'-type tags. (See Chapter 7.)

  * It can break up long speeches without disrupting the flow.

  * It conveys the speaker's mood and attitude.

  * It emphasises what the speaker says.

  * It can contradict the speaker's words, hinting at secrets and dishonesty. (See Chapter 15.)

  * It can speak even when the character keeps his mouth shut.

  GESTURE, POSTURE, FACIAL EXPRESSION, TONE OF VOICE

  As a writer, you can use four types of body language clues:

  * gesture

  * posture

  * facial expression

  * tone of voice

  Let's look at them one by one.

  Gesture

  Gestures work best before the speech, or in the middle of the speech.

  Examples:

  She pointed to the orchard. “I saw him there.”

  He slammed his fist on the table. “I've had enough.”

  She scratched her chin. “Are you sure this will work?”

  “Welcome.” He pointed to the couch. “Why don't you make yourself comfortable?”

  Posture

  This works best before or in the middle of the speech.

  Examples:

  She raised her chin. “You can't make me do this.”

  He locked his arms across his chest. “No way.”

  She leant away from him. “This isn't working between us.”

  “I consider this an insult.” He stood with his shoulders squared and his legs braced. “Take it back.”

  Facial Expression

  This works best before or in the middle of the speech.

  Examples:

  Her eyes narrowed. “You expect me to believe this?”

  His cheeks turned tomato-red. “What do you mean?”

  “I'm sorry.” She stared at the floor. “I didn't want it to be this way.”

  The corners of his eyes crinkled, and his lips twitched. “Really?”

  Tone of Voice

  This works best after or in the middle of the speech.

  “We will stand together in this.” His voice was deep and resonant like a church bell.

  “I've told you a hundred times, and I'm telling you again.” Her voice sounded like a dentist's drill, high-pitched and persistent. “Why don't you ever listen?”

  “You know that I'm going to kill you, don't you?” He sounded as casual as if he was discussing the weather. “Do you prefer a shot in the heart, or the head?”

  “You've been with that floozy again, you cheating bastard!” Her voice was loud enough to wake up the whole neighbourhood.

  BODY LANGUAGE CLUES OVER-USED BY NOVICE WRITERS

  Editors can tell if a writer is experienced or a beginner by looking at the body language in the manuscript. Submissions by novices are full of characters smiling, sighing, frowning, nodding, shrugging, biting lips, raising brows and taking deep breaths to steady themselves.

  Experienced authors use a wide range of body language clues.

  BODY LANGUAGE CLUES FOR DIFFERENT SITUATIONS

  Here are some sentences you might use to convey body language. These are just a starting point to give you ideas. You'll need to tweak them to suit your story and your characters. You may be able to find much better ones!

  Shy: She blushed. Her cheeks fired. He shuffled his feet. She looked at the hands in her lap. She studied her sandals. He cleared his throat.

  Embarrassed: His face turned scarlet. His face reddened like a tomato. He looked at his shoes.

  Anxious: She gnawed at her nails. She fidgeted with her necklace. The hand holding the pint glass shook. Her fingers twisted the cup around and around.

  His hands fluttered at his collarbone. He adjusted his shirt collar and pulled at his tie.

  He stood with his legs tight together and one hand locked around the other. He glanced over one shoulder, then over the other. He pulled out his wallet from the chest pocket, flipped through its contents without looking, and shoved it back. He checked his wallet, pulled at his cuffs and wound up his watch. He rubbed his hands as if soaping them under a stream of icy water.

  Angry: His fist clenched. His voice rose. His face reddened. Her lips tightened. He stared as if he wanted to kill me with his eyes. He stomped a foot on the floor. She slammed a palm on the desk.

  Aggressive: She jabbed a finger at me. He stood so close I could smell the toothpaste on his breath.

  Dishonest: She rubbed her nose. He leaned forward. His voice had the deep, well-rehearsed tone of a professional performer. Her eyes were wide, and blinking fast. (More about lying characters in Chapter 15.)

  Hiding a secret: She gazed past him. She did not meet his eyes. (More about this in Chapter 15.)

  Impatient: His feet drummed against the floor. She tapped her talons on the table. He tapped his pencil on the desk. She glanced at her watch.

  Disapproving: He pursed his lips. Her eyes narrowed. He frowned. Her brows furrowed.

  Surprise: Her eyes widened. His eyebrows rose.

  Frightened: She rubbed her neck. She clasped a hand to her throat. Her eyes widened. He paled. The colour drained from his cheeks. His voice rose to a shriek. An oily film formed on her forehead. Rivulets of sweat ran down the side of her cheeks. Wet patches formed around his armpits.

  Comfortable: He sat with his legs crossed. He laced his hands behind his head. She leant back and stretched her legs out before her.

  Contempt for others: Her nose crinkled. She picked a piece of lint from her jacket sleeve.

  Arrogant: His lip curled. He peered down his nose at her.

  Confident: He steepled his hands, fingertip to fingertip. She held her chin high. He spread his arms over the backs of the neighbouring chairs. He spoke in a loud, clear voice.

  Confrontational: She squared her shoulders and lifted her chin.

  Distressed: He rubbed his forehead. She twisted her necklace.

  Guilty: He turned his head to the side, avoiding her eyes.

  Insecure: She played with her bracelet. She sat with her palms on her thighs. He shrugged. He adjusted his tie. She hooked her feet behind the legs of her chair.

  Relieved: Her shoulders relaxed.

  Disappointed: His head dropped.

  Amused: The corners of his mouth twitched.

  Happy: Her feet wiggled. Her eyes sparkled. He beamed. The corners of his eyes crinkled.

  Sad: Tears streaked down her dusty face. The corners of her mouth drooped.

  Worried: He massaged his shoulders. She rubbed a hand down the side of her belly. He scratched his scalp. She sat with her shoulders hunched up to her ears. She licked her lips.

  Shocked: He stiffened. She paled.

  Stressed: She hugged herself and rubbed her shoulders. He stroked the front of his neck. He wrung his hands. His lips narrowed until they disappeared. He pulled at his collar as if it was too tight.

  I suggest you paraphrase these examples creatively, to avoid the novice flags.

  BODY LANGUAGE AND POINT OF VIEW

  Most of the time, people aren't aware of their body language, although they see other people's. Don't show the Point of View character's body language, but that of the other characters he sees.

  For example, if Mary is the PoV, the following sentences wouldn't work:

  Mary's face turned the colour of tomato ketchup.

  The corners of Mary's eyes crinkled with merriment.

  A deep frown appeared on Mary's forehead.

  The only kind of body language you can use for the PoV is what she's aware of. This includes deliberate gestures.

  Mary pointed at the exit.

  Mary dug her nails into her palms.

  Mary slammed a palm on the table.

  Mary hugged her arms to her chest.

  With men, posture shifts are often conscious and intentional (see Chapter 14), so if the PoV is male, you can include posture clues for him as well as for the other
characters.

  John braced his legs and squared his shoulders.

  John stepped to the side and leaned away.

  USING BODY LANGUAGE TO CONTRADICT THE WORDS

  Hint at dishonesty or secrets by showing body language that contradicts what the character says. This is an advanced technique and highly effective, as long as you use it sparingly.

  Examples:

  “No need to hurry.” Mary drummed her fingers on the table.

  Mary glanced at her watch. “Take all the time you need.”

  “I can wait,” Mary assured him. Her feet jiggled and bounced.

  ASSIGNMENT

  Revise a dialogue scene you've written, adding several body language clues.

  Now read the scene as if you were a reader who's bought this book. Can you see the body language? Great job!

  15 TELLING LIES

  Almost every novel has at least one scene where a character tells a lie, and several where someone doesn't tell the whole truth. The PoV and the reader may have niggling suspicions, but they don’t know. This uncertainty creates suspense.

  But how do you achieve this suspicion without certainty in the reader’s mind?

  THE BODY LANGUAGE OF LIARS

  Liars often display certain body language clues, not knowing that their body reveals them:

  * Lots of smiles.

  * Rapidly blinking eyes.

  * Frequently pursed lips.

  * Head moves hardly at all.

  * Arm gestures are small.

  * Statements end with hand gestures.

  * Leaning forward, often with elbows on knees.

  * Touching the face a lot, especially mouth and nose.

  * Touching neck, hands, arms.

  * Avoiding the other person's eyes (inexperienced liars, ashamed of telling lies).

  * Gazing firmly into the other person's eyes (experienced liars, e.g. confidence tricksters).

  THE WORDS OF LIARS

  Certain words, certain ways of phrasing answers, and certain tones of voice can be clues that a person is lying:

  * Mispronouncing words, Freudian slips.

  * A lot of 'um', 'er', 'uh'.

  * During an unplanned lie, the pitch of the voice often goes up.

  * During deliberate deceptions, the voice often drops.

  * “Believe me”, Honestly”, “To be perfectly honest”, “In all honesty”, “To tell the truth”.

  * Deceivers give lengthy answers to simple questions.

  * Deceivers complain a lot.

  Note: liars are not the only people who do these things. Honest people do them too, sometimes, especially when they are nervous. Therefore, these body language clues aren't proof that someone is lying. They only indicate that someone may be lying.

  The more of these clues you cluster together, the stronger the suggestion of untruth.

  Examples:

  “How would I know where your wallet is?” He did not meet her eyes. “I have no idea, honestly.”

  She fingered the pimple on her nose. “Honestly, Mum, I wasn't there. They, like, went without me.”

  “You must believe me!” Her voice rose to a screech. “I didn't go there. Honestly, I didn't.”

  “I didn't do it, officer. And I resent your allegations. You're picking on me because I'm, eh, Chinese. You always harass ethnic minorities." He slammed a palm on the table. "I will register a formal complaint about you, that's what I'll do.”

  He leant forward. “Trust me, Mrs Smith. Your investments will be safe. They'll double within two months.” He spoke with the deep, assured voice of a well-rehearsed performer. “To tell the truth, they'll double within a week.”

  ASSIGNMENT

  Find a scene in your fiction draft where a character tells a lie or an incomplete truth. Many short stories and almost all novels have such a situation.

  Write or revise this scene so the reader gets a hint. It can be a tiny hint or a strong one, depending on how much suspicion you want to arouse in the reader at this stage.

  16 STARTING A STORY WITH DIALOGUE

  Some writers have declared the rule that you must never begin a novel with dialogue. Others decree that you always should. Ignore them.

  If handled well, a dialogue opening pulls the reader right into the story.

  HOW NOT TO DO IT

  Here's an example which doesn't work:

  "This is where you'll die."

  "What makes you sure? Plans change."

  The reader doesn't know who says what, who the people are, where this conversation takes place, from whose perspective she experiences it, and what it's all about. Her reaction is 'Huh?' Confused rather than intrigued, she may not bother to read on. Instead of clicking 'Buy Now' she'll download the next free sample.

  HOW TO DO IT

  Compare these three variations. Each contains the same dialogue lines, but promises a different story.

  "This is where you'll die." The Arab's voice echoed through the gorge.

  John strained at the rope biting into his wrists. "What makes you sure? Plans change."

  In this version, the reader knows that the scene is outdoors, that one of the characters is an Arab and that John by implication is not, that John is the Arab's captive and that the scene represents John's Point of View.

  Many questions remain open—how did John get into this situation, and what will he do next?—but the reader knows enough to understand what's going on and to be curious about the rest.

  "This is where you'll die." The guard's lips tightened with compassion, and she didn't meet my eyes.

  "What makes you sure?" I scanned the bare room, the concrete floor, the high windows. "Plans change."

  Here the reader knows that the guard is female, and even that she's compassionate and uncomfortable in her role. The reader experiences the story from the prisoner's perspective. The location is indoors, and there's a hint at plans of escape.

  The reader knows enough to understand where she is in this story, and wants to learn more—will the narrator escape? Why is the narrator supposed to die? What's the relationship between the prisoner and the guard? How will the prisoner escape?

  I point my sabre at the gallows on the other side of the square. “This is where you'll die.”

  Lady Mary scans the ragged crowds gathered to witness her execution and wrinkles her nose. “What makes you sure?” She shrugs a delicate shoulder. “Plans change.”

  In this version, the reader gets a sense of the location—a public square—and of the period—a time when people wore sabres and execution was by public hanging. The Point of View character is someone who bears arms and is thus in a position of power or authority. Mary is an aristocrat who is arrogant, snobbish and unafraid.

  This is enough for the reader to get a taste of what the story is like—historical fiction, with class struggle and violence—and whether she wants to read it.

  TIPS

  Here are some techniques to pull off a dialogue-based opening. These are suggestions, not rules, so feel free to discard any that don't fit your story.

  * Use two characters, no more, otherwise the reader feels confused and struggles to work out who is who and wants what.

  * Make the dialogue about something exciting. Don't waste it on small talk.

  * Don't use the first few dialogue lines to convey information. Info-dumps at the beginning of a book are a put-off. (See Chapter 17.)

  * Don't use tags. 'He said, she replied' doesn't add anything of value beyond telling the gender of the speakers, and is too boring for this important part of the book.

  * Use beats—any kind of action or body language.

  * Include a hint about the location.

  * Quickly establish which of the two characters will frame the Point of View.

  * If writing in third person, give the Point of View character's name to make him real in the reader's mind.