Tad nodded like he understood, and I really hoped that he did. He wasn't alone in this life anymore. Not even a little bit. Even after we were no longer living together, I'd always want him to be a part of my life because we would have a child together, and because I cared about him, even though we hadn't really spent all that much time together.
"Why is it that you want a child so much?"
That was a long and complicated answer, but the easiest way to try to explain that to him was to simply tell him the truth. I couldn't do it while looking at him though. He was too beautiful, and far too distracting for me to be able to get through telling him if I kept having to look into his shining violet eyes. So I turned and looked out at the water as I took his hand.
"I was almost a father once, when I was human." Not many people knew that. Not many had even bothered to ask about my human life. It wasn't something we vampires usually talked about. For us, that life was dead and who we were as vampires was all that mattered. "Back then it was customary to pick a vampire name once you had been turned. I'm not very imaginative so I simply put a 'V' on my human name, turning me from Allen to Vallen. Someone I was with regularly became pregnant. I didn't love her, but we were close. I don't know if I was the father, but I did want the child."
"She died, didn't she?" Tad guessed.
It was a good guess, but it wasn't quite the truth. "Not then, but a few years later she did. No, I was the one who died. I'd fallen into a frozen lake in the middle of winter and a vampire had pulled me out. I'd been kind to him, once, or so he said. I didn't remember him. I was poor and I focused on my work tending to the sheep more than I paid attention to the people around me. But I was slow to come back to myself. Most vampires, when we're turned, we need only a week or two before we're ready to start feeding on our own and really start to figure out who were going to be from that point forward. I took nearly a year. By the time I was ready to join society again, even in a minimal capacity, she had left with another man. I searched for her, but by the time I found out what had happened to her, and my child, she had died and I learned that the child had been stillborn."
Tad gave me a gentle kiss on my shoulder. I welcomed his compassion, and his pity if he wanted to give it to me. "I blamed myself for many years. Like I said, I was poor, but I could have helped her somehow. Maybe if she'd been cared for the child would have lived. No one even know if she'd given birth to a boy or a girl. She was just one more sad dead woman to them, just as she'd been in life. Being a father was a duty up until the moment I found out she was pregnant. Then I wanted that child, more than anything. I wanted to take care of them and hold them and care for them. I grew up loved and safe and I wanted that for someone else. Now, you've given me that chance again. Being a vampire, I thought my chances of ever being a father were nil. That isn't the case anymore, and that's because of you. I'll always be grateful to you for coming to me and offering me that bargain. I realize having a child might not be something that you have ever wanted, but to me it's the greatest gift anyone has ever offered me."
I let go of Tad's hand to be able to put my arm around his shoulders. He fit in close beside me, his warmth seeping into me on the chilly night. We should have probably gone inside because it was so cold, but the view was beautiful and I didn't want to move and risk Tad no longer wanting to sit beside me.
"I do want to be a parent too though, that's the thing," Tad quietly admitted. "I didn't think I did, because I've only ever been given the option of giving birth to someone and then, eventually, joining the mothers in caring for the children. I don't want that life at all. I never did. But I've seen a lot of TV since leaving the pack and coming to live with you and I watch the commercials and those breakfast ones where they're all eating together and getting ready for the day? Or the ones where the parent picks the kid up from school and they talk about all the wonderful things they did? Even the diaper ones, where it's just this baby and they're being hugged and loved on. I know I had a mom once who did that for me. I don't remember her at all, but she was there and I want to be there for someone too. I want to hold someone and kiss their scraped knees and I want to help them braid their hair and I want to build forts and read them stories. I want the movies that I see on TV and the cereal commercials. I want to be a parent, but I want it to be on my terms, not how the pack always insisted that I had to be because I was born with a uterus."
I turned and kissed his cheek. Then, when he tilted his head back, I kissed his lips too. He wanted to be the kind of parent that I did. I wasn't naive enough to believe that I'd never argue with our kid or catch them trying to sneak out of the house when I'd already grounded them for a month for doing something stupid. But there was hope there, and that was all either of us needed.
I got up and took his hand, wanting to have him close to me in another way. We were silent as we went into my bedroom where we laid down beside each other on my bed. I touched his hip and his hands. I kissed him as much as I could. And then, when he fell asleep beside me, I held him well into the night.
Chapter Twelve
Tad
The next morning I yawned and stretched before getting out of bed next to Vallen. I wanted to be a parent more than ever now, but the pain thumping against my insides told me that I wasn't there yet. It wasn't unbearable, and it had nothing to do with why I turned my attention back to Vallen. I cared about him and I wanted to be with him now, when it wasn't about pain. I wanted to be connected to him. I wanted to make our child and feel them growing inside of me. I wanted to wake up one morning when it was sunny and the light was dancing over the water in the cove and on that morning I wouldn't have any pain and I would know that we'd done it. That I was pregnant.
I slipped out of my pants, but I hesitated on my shirt. He knew I had breasts. He had to have seen them the night before when I'd shifted back in front of them. But I wasn't ready to be naked with him. I didn't like being naked to begin with unless I was getting a shower or shifting. I didn't like my body but so far no one had been able to grow a penis so I was stuck with looking like this, only eventually I wouldn't have my breasts and that was a day I was definitely looking forward to. They would serve their purpose when I fed our child, but there was no reason for me to have them after that.
Vallen lay on his back and, as it seemed was his custom, he didn't have any clothes on. I didn't remember him taking them off so he must have done it while I was asleep. I didn't mind. This would be easier without having to take his clothes off of him.
I took a deep, shaky breath, and then I slid myself over him. I wasn't ready, but by the time he was awake and looking up at me, I was, and he was starting to get there as well.
"Tad?"
I didn't fault him for being surprised. If I'd woken up with him on top of me I would have been pretty shocked as well. I probably also would have told him to stop. Realizing that made me go still above him. "Um. I'm sorry. I should have asked."
Vallen just shook his head. "No, it's fine. Are you in pain?"
"I'm not. I wanted to make our child."
He smiled at me and brought his hands to my thighs and up my hips. "Thank you."
This had been easier with him asleep. Now that he was awake and watching me I was suddenly self conscious as I hovered there with him inside of me, but with me having no idea what to do next. "Sorry, I..." I wanted to tell him that I wasn't very good at this, or that I clearly had no idea what he was doing, but it seemed like something I was just supposed to know. Something instinctual, like shifting was. There was no learning curve with shifting and I assumed that there wasn't one with him biting people and drinking their blood either. There shouldn't have been one with sex. I was probably just overthinking this too much, but after a few moments he took the worry away from me as he brought me down to kiss him, and then, when I was leaning forward over him, he brought up his knees.
He held me all through it, kissing me and rubbing me. I was on top of him, but I wasn't the one in control and I wasn't directing th
is in the least. I didn't mind. After a while he turned us over, sprawling me out under him as he slid between my thighs. He kissed me more then, pushing his tongue between my lips and taking over me completely. I let go. I hung onto him, I mumbled whatever came to my mind, and when my time came I broke apart under him.
Then he was there with me too, holding me and kissing me as he filled me. I wanted more of him. I wanted many more times with him. And I wanted this time to be the one that gave us both what we wanted. I wanted this morning, with the perfect sunlight over the water, to be the one where we looked back and said that was the morning that we made our child.
I wasn't tired after that, but he was. I lay there, his body pressed against my back and his hands covering mine, as he slept and I thought. I imagined afternoons spent playing with our child in the water, of running up and down the beach with them. Of cooking s'mores on that beach in the summer and of hot chocolate on the deck in the winter. And even though I tried to picture times without Vallen in them, I couldn't. I didn't want to. He would always be a huge part of our child's life and I didn't want to raise them without him. Not even for a moment.
I laid there as long as I could but I couldn't sleep all day like he could. I just wasn't made for it. So around noon I slipped out of his bed and headed into my own bedroom. I didn't bother to put my pants back on as I walked through his house. We were alone and there was no reason for me to be shy. I got a shower and then I put on the last clean outfit Ainsley had let me borrow. Calling the dry cleaners was going to be important.
I took out my phone and got the folder Ainsley had given me. The couch was comfortable, but I didn't want to risk waking up Vallen with my call so I went out to the beach and sat down on the largest rock I could find. The number for the dry cleaners was right on the first page of information Ainsley had made up for me, right under the number for the Blood Bar. God he was helpful. Just all around helpful. Really.
I called them up and waited as the phone kept ringing.
"Thank you for calling Vampire Dry Cleaning and Alterations. We are open seven days a week from 9 pm to 4am. Please call back during our normal business hours."
I hung up. They were vampires and I should have known that they would be closed right now. It wasn't even one yet. That left me with a lot of time to kill and even more to think about as I looked out over the water.
This was going to be a perfect place to raise our child. I knew that instantly. I wanted to swim with them on this beach and I wanted to hold them right there on this rock and tell them stories about the good times I'd had in the pack, like afternoons spent with the mothers when we would bake bread and I learned how to knead it and let it rise until it poofed up. To me, as a child, it had seemed like magic. Now I knew it was the yeast and science and it was a whole lot less magical, but it was still wonderful. I missed the smell of baking bread and the feeling of a glass mason jar in my hands as I shook up the cream to make butter.
Then I remembered. I could have those things. I'd need to go to a grocery store, but the parts of my life in the pack that I loved and missed weren't over, and now I got to have them when I wanted to. This was life on my terms and, hopefully soon, pregnancy and raising our child the way I wanted to as well. I'd never have to give them up when I had to be in yet another claiming. I'd never be unable to be with them because they were taken away by the mothers to be raised without me there. I could be a father in all the ways I ever wanted to be now and I had a whole world of possibilities and memories and love to share with our child.
I wanted to take the council up on their offer. I decided that right there and then as I sat on that rock thinking about my future. I wanted to give the chances I had, that impossibly bright future full of warmth and love, to other werewolves. If they wanted it. I wanted to work with the alphas and the packs and get education and medicine into them.
The council would probably be asleep right then, but I did want to talk to them later. While Vallen was still inside, hopefully still sleeping so that he could work later without having to have appointments with me, I looked through the folder to see if Ainsley had possibly thought to include Ronald's number.
It took a lot of searching, since Ainsley didn't apparently think that was one of the more important numbers that I would need, but somehow the number to the blood bar was, but Ronald's number was there.
I breathed deeply and decided to dive right in. I knew who he was, and I'd met him twice as a child when he'd come to visit my father, but I'd never actually said more than hello or goodbye to him. I hadn't been permitted to. But now all that was going to change since I was no longer confined to the rules of the pack.
"Hello?"
His voice was gruffer than I'd expected it to be, his tone sharper, as if I'd disturbed him with my call.
"Hi. This is Tad, Novak's son."
"Vallen's husband," he added on.
I blushed. I was that too, though it had been less than twenty-four hours since we'd met with the council. Apparently word travelled fast. "Do you have a minute to talk?"
He groaned. "Yeah, I do. Give me a minute though. I was a wolf when you called."
Of course he would need some time to get himself together, and I was fine to wait. "Thank you for answering the phone."
I heard him brushing his teeth. "You're welcome," he mumbled. Then he spit, ran some water, and was back to me. "Now, what can I do for Seattle's newest vampire?"
I didn't know about all of that, but maybe I was. That was sort of an odd feeling. "The council has asked me to be a liaison between the vampires and the packs."
"That would make sense, considering that you are, in fact a vampire, and a werewolf."
Technically, that was true. "I want to do it. I plan to tell them yes, once they wake up."
"So why are you calling me?"
It was a good question. We weren't close and I really had no reason to call him. "I guess I just wanted to talk to another werewolf maybe."
"Have you eaten lunch yet?"
I hadn't, and I was suddenly very hungry. "No, but I also can't drive a car, so if you'd like to pick me up..." I knew it was a long shot. Vallen lived far from any werewolf area.
"Text me your address and I'll pick you up in half an hour," he said, surprising me immensely.
"Um..." I quickly looked through the stack of papers, and maps, that Ainsley had prepared for me. I shouldn't have bothered doing that much though. Vallen's address was right there on the inside cover of the folder. "Yeah. I've got it. Thanks for being patient with me. And for agreeing to speak with me."
"You're welcome, but if you're going to make this thing of being a liaison work, if you're going to try to earn the respect of the alphas so that they'll even consider listening to you, then you're going to have to be more firm and less polite with them. Keep that in mind, going forward. Your place isn't in the pack anymore and you need to make them listen to you as if you were on the same level as your father, or higher."
I swallowed thickly. I hadn't even considered that part of this, and I wasn't sure that I was capable of being like that with them. My father was a strong, intimidating man. And here I was relieved that even one alpha would bother to pick up my call. My father would have never thanked Ronald for meeting with him. He would have demanded it.
"I can do better," I promised him, even though my voice was meek.
"I'm sure you can. I'll be there soon."
"I'll be outside waiting. Bye." I hung up, and then I took a deep breath to calm my nerves. I wanted to be more like the water, just there and peaceful and not bothered by things. But I also wanted to be more like Ronald. He knew how to get respect. He knew how to command it. I wanted that too. I didn't want to do it through fear like my father did. I wanted to find my own way to be a werewolf. I just hoped I found it soon.
I went back inside to put the folder away in my bedroom, but also to let Vallen know I was leaving. He was still asleep when I walked back into his room and sat down on the bed beside him. "Va
llen?"
"Sleeping," he grumbled.
Yeah, and I hated to wake him up, but I didn't just want to leave without him having any idea where I'd gone to either. "I know, but I'm heading out for a little bit. I'll be back soon."
He was wide awake now as he groaned and turned onto his back. "Is Ainsley going with you?"
"No." I snorted. I could exist in the world without his assistant.
"Call him and tell him to go with you."
Laughing, I leaned over and kissed his cheek. But he wrapped his hand around the back of my head and had me kiss him on his lips as well. "I'm not taking Ainsley out to lunch with Ronald."
His expression got dark. "Why are you meeting with Ronald? What happened? Are you going back to your pack?"
"Never," I quickly assured him. We took a deep breath together. I hadn't realized that would be his first worry, but I should have thought of it. "I'm not going anywhere. Never. But I want to know how to communicate with the alphas. I'm coming from a place of..." There was no good way to say that in the pack I'd been considered one of the lowest members simply because I had a uterus. "I need to get the alphas to respect me, and I think Ronald can help me with that."
"Tell them your husband will tear out their throats if they don't do what you want. That'll work."
He made me grin, but I knew his way wasn't the solution. "I'm serious, Vallen."
He took my hands and kissed my palms. "I am too. About getting you back in bed." He grabbed me and pulled me back into the covers with him, burying me under a flurry of blankets and sheets that I never wanted to get up from.
Only, I had to. "I have work to do," I grumbled.
"And I should get some more sleep before I have to go into the office as well. I leave at ten. You'll be back before then, right?"
Defying His Fate Page 9
