by Jessica Marx
One of the very vivid memories I have is from the eighth grade.I still wasn’t into boys at the time, but it always made me smile remembering that day as I got a little older.
No matter how high I turn up the volume on my headphones, I can still hear them. I pull them off my head, throw my books on the bed, and storm down the hall to Tommy’s room. I bang on the door.
“Who is it?” Shane asks with a terrible fake accent.
“Open the door.”
“What’s the magic word?”
Ugh! I want to punch him sometimes. It’s like I have two big brothers that love to annoy me - because one just isn’t enough.
“I’m trying to do my homework. Can you keep it down in there?” I shout into the door jamb.
“What’d you say? I can’t hear you? It’s too loud in here.”
I hear laughter from inside the room. They sure crack themselves up. I hold up the middle finger on each of my hands and silently tell them how I feel. I march back to my room and plop back onto my bed. I angrily put the headphones over my head, using excessive movements to make a statement. It’s silly because I’m alone so I’m really just putting on a show for myself.
I sit with my legs crossed and place my math workbook on my lap. I lean back on my pillow and close my eyes. I hate doing homework - especially math. Now I’m annoyed to boot. Those boys. I’m pretty sure one of their favorite hobbies is driving me crazy.
Shane pulls one of my earphones off, “guess you don’t want to come in anymore.”
I jump. “What are you doing? You scared the crap out of me!”
Shane sits down next to me on the edge of my bed. My stomach gets that same feeling as when I see Justin Timberlake. I don’t know why though. Justin Timberlake is so cute. I day dream about going out with him. Shane is just an idiot that spends way too much time here. I should have closed my door.
I slide my headphones down and hang them over the back of my neck.
“Hello? Can I help you?” I say in my most obnoxious teenage girl voice.
“I don’t know, can you?” Shane mocks me.
“I have a lot of work to do. Can you go back to your room? I mean -Tommy’s room.”
He knows exactly what I mean but he doesn’t budge. I wish he would go. It feels like I have a swarm of butterflies swirling in my belly right now.
“I’m glad you don’t wear a hat all the time now.”
What is he talking about? Why is he blurting random things about my hat? I don’t feel like talking about stupid things - not with Shane anyway. Girls notice things like that - not boys.
“Good for you. Can you go now?”
Please. I wish he would just leave. I don’t like the way he’s looking at me. It’s making me feel weird.
“Don’t you wanna know why?”
“No. I really don't care. Bye now.”
He gets such a kick out of pushing my buttons. I can tell because one side of his mouth curls up into that silly looking half smile. Stop looking at me.
“I like seeing your hair down like this.” Shane takes one of my ringlets and twists it between his fingers.
“Ew. Don’t touch me, dude.”
Why is he touching my hair? Why is he looking at my hair? Why is he even here? A strange sensation creeps through my body. I swat his fingers away to make myself feel ‘normal’ again. He just laughs at me.
“Okay, Beth. I’m out.” He playfully pulls the headphones back over my ears.
I know he’s trying to irritate me - and it’s working - but when he touches my head, it makes me tingle. Gross. I don’t want him touching me.
He looks at me in that weird way again before walking out of my room and back down the hall.
I turn the volume up again on my iPod. I try to read my math problem once more, but when I look at my book, I think of Shane’s smile. It makes me smile too but I don’t know why. I don’t even like him. He bugs me.
That was probably - no definitely - the first time I realized that Shane looked at me as something more than his best friend’s little sister.
The next couple of years continued on about the same. Shane and Tommy remained inseparable and spent almost every day at our house. There were random times when Shane would catch me alone and flirt with me, the way teenage boys do. He would make fun of me one minute and wink at me the next. I never knew what to expect with him - but soon - I started to like that about him.
I should mention at this point that Shane was gorgeous - as far as high school boys go anyway. He and Tommy could have passed as brothers. They both had dark hair that they kept long on top and short on the sides. They spent many hours in the garage working out in my dad’s home gym - and it showed. Over the years they started to look alike except Shane had these electric blue eyes. The contrast of those and his dark hair gave him this exotic look that brought him a lot of attention. Maybe a little more than Tommy.
Tommy didn’t care though. He got plenty of girls on his own. Shane had a couple here and there but didn't really show much interest. He probably could have had his choice of girls if he wanted to, but he didn’t seem to care. I used to joke with him and try to push his buttons about it, but he just laughed. I was never able to get under his skin the way he got under mine.
Everything started to make sense to me at the end of my junior year in high school. Tommy and Shane were going to their senior prom and somehow my mother convinced me to go with Shane. I’m still not sure if it was because she loved Shane like a son - which she did - or because she’d been dying to see me in a dress since I learned to speak. Either way, good old Maureen worked her magic and without knowing, changed my whole life. That was another day I will never forget anything about.
“A pretty girl, is like a melody,” my dad sings as I walk down the stairs.
“Stop, dad! You’re so embarrassing!”
For as long as I can remember, my father has sang that any time he sees me get dressed up. I know he thinks I’m pretty - he has to - I’m his daughter. I feel silly enough in this dress without him making everyone look at me. Thank God only my family is here - and of course, Shane.
I can’t believe I let my mother talk me into this. At least she promised to let me play hooky on Monday if I did this for ‘her’. What can I say? I learned from the best.
“Oh, sweetie, you look beautiful!” Mom gushes at me, clasping her hands to her chest.
“Thanks.” I roll my eyes.
As much as I hate all the attention, I have to admit, I look fantastic. I rarely wear anything other than jeans or sweats and tee shirts. Sometimes I even put on some lipstick. Tonight, I have on a full face of make up, albeit light, a shimmery black strapless cocktail dress mom picked out, and black flats. Mom tried to get me in heels but no way I was going to let that happen.
“You look beautiful, Beth,” Shane complements me as he kneels in front of me and holds out a corsage for my wrist.
“Oh, stop.” He’s such a freak.
Why does he even want to take me to this stupid dance? It’s his junior prom and I’m a sophomore. I hear the girls in school talk about him. I see them straighten up and stick their chests out when he walks down the halls. He could have asked any of those girls. Now here I am, getting ready to go with him.
Shane gets back up on his feet and takes my wrist. I feel electricity when he touches my arm and I don’t like it. He holds my hand while he slides the carnation band up to my wrist, letting it linger. I see him and dad exchange a look and he lets my hand fall.
“Let’s go already.” Tommy’s looking at his watch for the millionth time.
He’s been hanging out with this girl, Adrienne, from his grade. She’s totally gorgeous, the whole school knows her. I don’t know what she’s doing with my brother. This is their first real date and he’s so nervous. The four of us are going together.
“M’lady,” Shane jokes, holding his arm out.
“Shut up.”
I giggle at how he’s trying to be so formal and pro
per. That’s not Shane - at all.
“Let me get a picture of all my babies.”
Mom took her camera out already earlier this afternoon. She didn’t want to forget to take a photo - not that she would.
“Me too!” Abby comes running from across the room.
Shane puts his arm around me. I squirm. I hope he doesn’t think this is a real date. He should know my mom put me up to this. His arm feels warm around my bare back. Our sides are pressed together. We’ve never really been this close. I feel that funny tingle in my body again.
Tommy stands on the other side of me and drapes his hand over Abby, pulling her into the picture.
“Say ‘cheese’.”
“Come on, mom. Just take the picture already.” Tommy looks at his watch again.
“Let them go, Maureen,” dad says, placing his arm around her.
“Have fun. Be careful.” Mom leaves dad standing there and walks over to us. She hugs the boys then she straightens the bottom of my dress.
“Mom!”
“Okay, okay. Have fun and be careful.”
Holy cow. You would think we were going to a royal wedding.
“Heard you the first time, Mo. Don’t wait up.” Tommy jokes. He pulls the keys from his pocket and heads out the front door.
Shane takes my hand and leads me outside. We trail behind Tommy. I stare at our hands clasped together.
“You guys sit in the back. Adrienne’s getting shotgun.”
“Sure, bro.”
Shane opens the door and flashes a smile at me, “ladies first.”
“Oh, I’m a lady now?”
“You sure look like one.”
“Shut up,” I tell him again but I’m grinning. The way he said that made me blush. Thank God it’s dark in the car. He would totally make fun of me if he saw that.
Tommy starts up his car. It’s a crappy old Honda, but he bought it himself with money he saved doing odd jobs in the neighborhood with Shane. Shane doesn’t have a car. He uses his money to help his mother with bills.
I cross my hands on my lap. I don’t want him thinking it’s okay to hold my hand. I also like when he does it and I don’t know why. He’s like my own brother, but Tommy would never hold my hand. And if he did, I wouldn’t like it.
We pick up Adrienne and drive to the school. The dance is in the gym which is decorated like something you would see on a cheesy after school special on television. The music is loud and I recognize most of the people there from school. Most of them are juniors but I see a couple of other girls from my class.
“Let’s dance.” Shane doesn’t give me time to answer.
He takes my hand and leads me into the crowd of people swaying on the makeshift dance floor.
“You don’t dance,” I say with a smug look.
“I do tonight.”
“Well, I don’t dance,” I say, dropping my arms to my sides.
“Come on, Beth. We’re here, let’s have some fun.”
He doesn’t let me reply. Shane takes my arms and wraps them around his lower back. I don’t want to touch him. I don’t want to not touch him either. I remain frozen in the exact position he placed me, afraid to move.
He folds his arms around the small of my back. We begin to sway back and forth to the music. There’s a slow song playing. I notice a group of girls along the wall looking at us. Each one is giving me a dirty look. Shane tightens his arms around me and hugs me closer. My body turns to stone. I still don’t know if I like it or not. I do know I feel so strange right now.
“You smell pretty, Beth.”
I want to tell him to shut up again, but I can’t talk. Shane’s chin is resting against the side of my face. I’m blushing again. I realize I’m rocking from one foot to the other, moving my body with his to the music which sounds like it’s a million miles away.
Shane presses his lips to my cheek. They’re warm. They send a wave of heat through my face right down to my toes. He leaves them there for what feels like a long time. I realize what’s happening and slowly pull my body away from his.
“What are you doing?” I wanted that to sound a lot more accusatory than it did. I sound more breathless and confused.
“Just kissing my girl on the cheek. No big deal.”
“I’m not your girl” I snort.
“You are. You just don’t know it yet.”
“Negative.”
I feel like the whole gym is looking at us right now. No one notices us.
“I’ll prove it.” Shane challenges.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yup.” He sounds so much more confident than me.
“And how are you gonna do that?”
“I’m going to take you on a date.”
“Ha!” I laugh in his face.
“You think that’s funny?” He’s not insulted at all, he’s smiling ear to ear.
“Gross. You’re like my brother.” I put my hands on my hips, “besides, Tommy would never let that happen.”
“Already gave me the ‘okay’.”
“Yeah, right.” No way Tommy would agree to the two of us going on a date.
“Sure did. Said if I got Adrienne to be his date tonight, I could take you out next.” He’s so proud of himself. “Next excuse?”
“My dad would kill you.”
“Maybe.” Shane runs his hand through the thick main of shiny black hair. “Just say yes and I’ll take care of Big Dan.”
“He carries a gun.” I tilt my head and look up at him. I’m enjoying this as much as he is now.
“Is that a yes?”
“Fine. One date.” I agree, “but don’t think it’s going to mean anything.”
“It won’t mean anything. It will mean everything.”
Shane leans in and kisses me quickly - on the lips this time. My eyes open wide. He backs up a few inches and he chuckles at the look on my face.
“Wanna go get some punch?” he asks, like nothing just happened.
“Okay.” I don’t know what just happened between us, but right now, I would do anything he asks.
That night set the course of my own personal history. I went on the date with Shane a few days later. From that night on, we never went one day without talking. We never spent one night without seeing or calling each other to say ‘good night’. We were in love.
Everyone said we were too young to know what real love was - but we knew. Shane loved me so much and I loved him. I only felt right when he was with me. People wait a lifetime for what we had. It was the real deal.
Neither of us liked to be apart. He spent so many years as a fixture in my house that the only thing that changed, is who’s room he was hanging out in. Shane and Tommy were still best friends. He didn’t leave him for me. He just divides his time now, or the three of us hang out together - just like Tommy and I always did as kids.
We spent every day together that first summer - literally. Tommy wasn’t happy at first. He didn’t think I’d agree to go on a date with Shane and was even more surprised when we went on a second one. In the end it only took a few weeks for Tommy to give in and accept Shane and I as a ‘thing’.
Luckily, he was preoccupied with hooking up with as many girls as possible and getting ready for his first semester at state school. We had a lot of double dates with many of Tommy’s ‘flavors of the week’. He was usually in his own lip lock with whoever he was out with for the night.
Shane took the year off and was working two different jobs to save enough for community college. We spent a lot of his days off at the beach. Shane and I would lay on a blanket together for hours - getting up to splash in the water and cool off.
We spent many warm, balmy nights there too. If we weren’t snuggling on a blanket at the beach, we were hanging out on the lounge chairs in my yard, or sneaking feels under a blanket in the family room. A few times we went out on ‘real’ dates, but I didn’t want him spending his money on me. I knew he needed it for college - and his mom - who I still hadn’t really met.
He did save enough money to buy himself a modest car though. Shane was really into cars - especially ones that go fast and make a lot of noise. This one only made noise when it was switching gears or coming to a stop, but it got him to work. His day job was for a mechanic. He got a great deal on the car and fixed it up himself.
I remember how excited he was the day he brought me to the shop to see it:
“It’s not much, but it’s mine.” He was so proud. He was beaming. I will never forget that look on his face.
“I love it, baby!” I squealed and wrapped my arms around him.
“Now I can take you anywhere you want to go,” he promised me.
“Wherever you are is where I want to be,” I replied, sounding so cliche.
We drove for hours that night. We went all the way to the end of the island until we had no choice but to turn back. We didn’t go back right away though. I lost my virginity that night. I had heard some older girls talk about how awkward their first time was. Mine wasn’t. It was beautiful.
We parked along the beach and walked down to the shore. The shoreline on that side of Long Island is different. It’s rocky and all the way at the point, it’s much darker than where we lived in Lawson. Shane and I made love under the stars that night. It was amazing. And we did it a hundred or more times after that. It never got boring.
I told my mom - or she kind of figured it out. She took me to the doctor to go on the pill. Neither of us would ever tell my father because after he murdered Shane, he would probably kill us both. Not really, but, well, you didn’t mess with Big Dan’s family, and surely, you didn’t fuck one of his daughters.
I could’t wait until this school year was over so we could spend the summer together again. Shane was going to come to my prom with me, just like I went to his. I didn't even want to go, since we went to his prom together, it was kind of a tradition for us.
