by Jessica Marx
I pull into the driveway. I almost wish I did feel sick so I could settle down. I’m so amped up from the night and my conversation with Shane. He wasn’t at all surprised to see me - he knew I would be there. He played it so cool, pretending not to know me. Asshole.
I’m pacing the kitchen floor as all these thoughts go through my mind. I wonder what Chad is trying to work out with Shane? I can’t tell him any of this. His business doesn't have anything to do with my personal life. Certainly not anything or anyone from my past. I wouldn’t want my ‘relationship’ with Shane to effect what could be the biggest project of his career.
I look at the clock. It’s not too late. I pick up the phone to call Abby. I have to talk to someone and she’s always my voice of reason. She picks up on the second ring.
“Hey sista! What’s up?” she answers cheerily.
“Hey, Abby. How are you?”
“Awesome. Just getting ready to go out. Zach is here for the weekend so he’s coming to a party with me.”
“That’s great. Tell him I said ‘hi’.”
Zach is Abby’s boyfriend. She’s going to school in Virginia, which is where they met. She’s finishing her graduate studies in criminal justice. He’s attending FBI training at Quantico. Apparently, I’m the only Kaminsky that chose a different career path. They’re a short drive from each other and seem to making the long distance thing work for them.
“I’ll let him know when he gets back. He just went to pick up some dinner. What’s new with you?”
“Not too much. Same old. Saw Shane this week,” I reply, sounding nonchalant about it.
Abby is silent for a few seconds while she processes what I just said, “Shane? The Shane?” she asks incredulously.
“The one and only.”
“Holy shit! Did you kick him in the nuts?”
I laugh, “the thought crossed my mind, but I didn’t do it.”
“Holy shit,” she says again, “what? why? where did you see him?”
“He just showed up at my door,” I start, “well, not my door, but a house I was showing.”
“Is he a fucking stalker? How did he find you?”
“I don’t think so. My face is everywhere. I’m kind of a big deal around here,” I add, trying to lighten the mood with a joke.
“Well, what did he say? Why did he walk out on us?”
I love that Abby says ‘us’. I mean, he didn’t just leave me, he left all of us. I suffered the most for sure, but he walked out on my whole family. I think helping me get through it all helped them just as much.
“He didn’t say. Not yet anyway.”
“Oh my God, Beth! You need to find out! We need to know! What an asshole,” Abby rambles excitedly.
“I know. I want to know. I just don’t want to talk to him.”
“Well, we need to know what happened. What did he do and why did he take dad’s money and run? Inquiring minds want to know.”
“He’s ambushed me twice already. I’m sure he’ll show up again. Maybe I’ll ask him then.”
“You better!” she warns me, “did Tommy talk to him?”
“I don’t know,” I reply, “honestly, I hadn’t even thought about that.”
“I’m going to ask him. I’m sure if he reached out to you, he contacted Tommy too.”
“You might be right,” I agree, “he’s got some big construction company and is now donating a community center in Lawson. You know, right in the middle of the land Chad bought.”
“What? What the fuck? That is crazy!” Abby exclaims again, “He shows up out of nowhere after what? Eight years? Then he devises some maniacal plan to work his way back into your life?”
“I don’t think he would do all that, Abs.”
“Maybe not, but we don’t know what kind of person he is anymore. He obviously did something terrible to disappear without a trace. Dad wouldn’t even talk about it.”
“I know. I just don’t think he’s capable of doing something like that.”
“You loved him so much, Beth. You never believed he had a bad bone in his body - none of us did - but maybe we were wrong,” Abby says in a calmer voice.
“I don’t know. I’ll figure out what’s going on. I just needed to clear my head. Thanks.”
“Of course. I’m always here for you,” she promises, “oh, hey, baby.”
I hear a man’s voice in the background. Zach must be back with their dinner.
“Go enjoy your dinner. We’ll talk again soon.”
“Thanks. You better keep me posted,” Abby instructs me lovingly.
“Will do. Love you.”
“Love you too,”
I hang up the phone feeling much calmer than I did when I got home. I make a cup of tea and walk upstairs. I lay my purse on the dresser and change into my pajamas. Just before I get into bed, I remember I slipped Shane’s business card into the side pocket of my purse. I get up, dig it out, and look around my room for someplace to hide it. I open my underwear drawer and shove it underneath my clothing in the back. I don’t know why I feel the need to hide it - he probably gave his card to everyone there.
Satisfied with my hiding place, I crawl back under the covers. Since I played sick to get out of the dinner, I should look sick. I don’t want Chad thinking anything is up.
I lie in bed replaying my conversations with Shane and then Abby. She makes me laugh - ‘maniacal plan’ - what does she think? He’s an evil villain?
He definitely has an agenda though. I need to stop being so afraid to face him and find out what it is.
“Morning, baby. How are you feeling?” Chad greets me when I walk in the kitchen.
I didn’t hear him come in last night. I passed out pretty quick once I finally got into bed.
“Feeling better today, thanks,” I reply, “how was the rest of your night?”
“Pretty boring. You know, the usual.”
“Sorry to hear that. You should have come home with me.” I smile at him and then turn to get a mug and pour a cup of coffee.
“I’m glad I didn’t,” Chad answers, “I got a chance to speak to Shane Andrews, you know, the head of the construction company? We’re going to meet for dinner this week. I’m going to try and get him on board with my project - see if we can work together.”
I stop what I’m doing and stand completely still. I’m glad I have my back to Chad right now because I’m pretty sure all of the color just drained from my face.
“That’s great,” I lie, trying to sound like myself. I pick up the coffee pot and slowly begin to pour myself some.
“It could be. We’ll see how our meeting goes.”
“Don’t you have enough people bidding on the project already?” I say, trying to convince myself this isn't really happening.
“Sure. But S.P.A. owns a nice piece of land right in the middle of the action. If I can convince them that my plans will be more profitable, we can build something even better.”
“It didn’t sound like he - they - were doing it for profit. It sounded more like they want to better the community.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Beth,” Chad replies snidely, “money makes the world go round.”
I’m in no state to argue with him about this right now. I won’t argue about anything having to do with Shane. I’m afraid to incriminate myself. For all I know, Shane will jump at the chance to turn a huge profit and forget about the community center.
“Well, then,” I try to think of something to say next, “good luck. When is your meeting?”
“Wednesday night. We’re meeting in Manhattan.”
“Sounds fun.”
“If I can work my magic, it will be.” Chad gets up and washes his mug out.
“I’ll see you later,” he says as he collects his things, “you have a busy day?”
“Not too sure. I have some paperwork to follow up on. I’m waiting for a response on the bid I put in for the newlyweds. Where are you off to on a Saturday?”
“Just going into th
e office for a bit. I have to catch up on some things. I scheduled several meetings for next week. I want to get all my ducks in a row.”
“Okay. Why don’t we go out and grab some dinner?” I ask.
We haven’t spent much time together since we got back from the Bahamas. It would be nice to sit down and enjoy a meal with each other. It would also help me not think about Shane.
“Sure, babe. Make some reservations. I won’t be home late.”
“Cool. See you later.”
Chad kisses me goodbye and rushes out. I’m kind of glad. I’ve been holding my breath since he mentioned meeting with Shane.
Nothing good can come of them spending time together. There’s no way my name won’t come up, and I still don’t know what Shane’s motives are. He may be looking to sabotage my relationship or even Chad’s business. Who knows? I need to see him before Chad does and figure out what the hell is going on.
I mill around the kitchen for a while after Chad leaves. I’m in a little bit of shock. I need to decide the best way to go about this situation without raising Chad’s suspicions. I have to see Shane - I don’t want to - but I have to.
I chug the last few sips of my coffee and dash upstairs. I have to call Shane before I lose my nerve. I rummage through my underwear until I find the small business card wedged in the back of the drawer.
I pick up my cell phone but don’t dial the numbers. What am I going to say? Where should we meet? I sit on the edge of the bed and think. Several minutes later, my nerve is gone. I send a text.
‘Hi Shane. It’s Beth. Can we meet? We need to talk.’
I hold the phone in my hand waiting on his response. I’ve waited eight years already - why am I waiting again? I place my phone on the dresser and walk towards the bathroom. I don’t even make it through the doorway when I hear the vibration of my cell phone. I dive across the room to grab it. Pathetic.
‘Of course. Tell me when and where and I will be there.’
Unconsciously, a broad smile crosses my face. I sit with my legs criss crossed on the bed - like all of a sudden, I’m a teenager in my old bedroom. I reply.
‘Can we meet today? Noon?’
‘Sure. Where?’
Where can we meet inconspicuously? I don’t need anyone in town seeing us together. He definitely can’t come here.
I send him the address of one of our listings. It’s an overpriced ‘diamond in the rough’ so I don’t expect anyone to be showing it while we’re there. It’s the perfect cover too. If we’re spotted together, I can just say I’m showing him the home.
I feel like I’m doing something shady and dishonest but I’m only meeting with Shane to make sure he doesn’t say anything stupid to Chad. I also want to ask him not to get involved in whatever Chad is talking to him about. His business is not my business, but in this case, I think I have a right to get involved.
As I try to justify my own motives, I feel like a terrible person. I’m just as giddy and happy as I used to be when Shane and I would talk at night while everyone else was sleeping.
Didn’t I just hate him? Haven’t I resented him for the last eight years? Wasn’t I wishing he would show up so I could give him a piece of my mind? Why do I suddenly feel so detached from all of those emotions?
I look at the clock. I have a few hours to get my work done before we meet. I decide to hold off on taking a shower until I’m finished, which is unlike me. I want to pretend that it’s not because of Shane, but of course it is. Love or hate, I want to look my best. You know, to remind him of what he lost.
I make my follow up calls, send some emails, then complete and file some paperwork. I try to get everything done with enough time to make myself presentable for my meeting with Shane.
By the time I begin to shower and get ready, the anxiety has really set in. I usually pull my hair back, but I remember how much Shane used to like when I left it down, so I leave it loose. I put on some make up and try on a few different outfits. It’s like I’m getting ready for a first date. I can’t remember the last time I tried so hard to look good. I remind myself that I’m only doing it to make him jealous. I have to - so I don’t forget.
I want to look good but don’t want to look like I’m trying too hard so I opt for a black pencil skirt and silk white cowl neck top. It’s sensible and business like but shows just enough skin to turn a head or two. I add a blazer and pair of black strapped heels. One more look in the mirror and I’m satisfied enough to leave - which is good because it’s time to go.
As I drive to the house, I realize I have no idea what I’m going to say. I should have rehearsed for something like this - or at least gone through a few scenarios. I need to be prepared so I don’t get side tracked or too upset to remember what I wanted to say. There’s not enough time on the short drive though - I’m going to have to wing it.
I use the lock box to enter the house. This is another empty home so I don’t have to worry about the homeowner being here. I place my bag on the kitchen counter and look around. The extreme quiet isn’t helping my nerves. For lack of anything better to do, I take a few swigs from my water bottle and reapply my lip gloss.
The chime of the doorbell interrupts the silence - making me jump. It’s him. Shane is here. I smooth my skirt, toss my hair, and walk toward the front door.
“Hello,” I say formally, opening the door.
“Hey, Beth,” Shane replies.
He looks so hot right now. I wonder if he’s wearing that fitted white tee and jeans because he remembered it was always my favorite outfit. Apparently two can play at this game.
We have an awkward moment where we don’t really know what to do - hug? Shake hands? I decide on just backing up and giving him space to walk in. He closes the door and follows me to the kitchen. I figured that would be the best place to talk. It’s away from the front windows and there is an island I can use as a barrier between us.
“So, what’s up?” Shane asks.
This is the moment where planning ahead would have been helpful. Where do I start?
“‘What’s up’ is you and Chad. What are your intentions? Why are you here? Why are you trying to weave yourself into my life?” Well, that wasn’t too hard now. I just spewed the majority of my questions the first time I opened my mouth. This isn’t going to go well.
“That’s a lot of questions. I don’t know where to start.”
“How about the beginning. Why did you leave and why are you back now?”
“Beth, I told you, it’s complicated. I need some time to get some answers and make things right before I explain,” Shane replies.
“Huh!” I laugh sarcastically, “you’re kidding, right?”
“I don’t want to make you wait, Beth, but I have to. You’ll understand everything better if I do. Let’s just try to make things good between us for now.”
“You have no idea what I’ll understand! You don’t even know me. How am I supposed to make things better? You left me. You just fucking left! I was a teenager in love. I was a fucking mess! Now you want me to just say it’s okay and move on without any explanation?” Tears are welling in my eyes. I am not going to cry. I’ve shed enough tears for this asshole.
“Fuck,” Shane says, afflicted, running his hand back through his hair, “I don’t want to do it this way, I have to. I promise I will tell you everything. I just need a little time to sort it all out first.”
“Time?” I snap, “Time? Eight years wasn’t enough? You decided to come back, fuck up my life some more, then maybe wait another decade or so to tell my why? Sounds fucking perfect.”
Shane walks around the counter and stops only a couple of feet from where I’m standing. I automatically back up to the counter behind me. It’s becoming very difficult to hold back my tears.
“That’s not my intention. Please, I’m begging you, I will explain. Let’s just get to know each other a little bit in the mean time. I have no intention of hurting you again - ever.” Shane takes another step closer. He looks like
he’s trying to approach a rabid dog. Probably a good idea on his part. I’m feeling like I could attack at any moment.
“It was never my intention to hurt you. What happened was for the best and if I didn't leave then…” he trails off.
Seeing the pain in his eyes, my heart hurts for him. I shouldn’t care - but I do. He had a choice to stay or go. He chose to leave me. I don’t know why I feel bad for him - he got to move on.
“So what are you doing back here now?” I ask in a calmer voice. I’m not agreeing to what he wants, but I still want to know.
“Making things right. I’ve been lucky to have so much success. I want to pay it forward.”
“That’s a noble gesture. It’s very thoughtful of you,” I tell him honestly, “but you didn’t have to get involved with me - or my boyfriend. You could have just left us out of it - donated your community center and gone about your business.”
“Beth, my life changed when I met Tommy. I inherited a brother, a loving family, and the one true love of my life. I wouldn’t be where I am today without you - because of you.”
“Well, you have a shitty way of showing it,” I reply. I don’t know what else to say. I want to keep hating him, but he’s making it very hard right now.
“I’m telling you, it will all make sense soon enough,” Shane says, taking another step toward me. I want to back up, but I’m already up against the counter.
“How do I know I can trust you?” I ask.
“You don’t. You just have to listen to your heart.”
He takes a final step toward me. I inhale a deep breath. He’s too close.
Shane takes my hand in both of his and holds it, “Beth, I swear I am not going to hurt you. I’m going to protect you. Everything will make sense,” he stops talking until I look up into his eyes, “I promise.”
I can’t hold the tears back anymore. I’m ashamed that I’m crying. I feel weak and defeated.
Shane uses the back of his hand to wipe the tears from my cheek.
“Please don’t cry. I don’t want you to hurt anymore.”
Shane wraps his arms around me and pulls my body close to his. I begin to really sob now. He pets the top of my head, trying to calm me. The sensation of his body around mine is so comforting. I feel like I’m where I belong.
