I blinked rapidly to clear my eyes and impulsively threw my arms around him. “I love you, too, Grandfather.”
He hugged me for a moment, then pulled back. “I think someone else might be looking for you,” he said with a wink.
My heart leapt into my throat as he turned and headed back the way he’d come, crossing paths with a tall figure, limned by the light of the luxem magnam. But my hope died as quickly as it had come when I recognized Loukas’s dark hair and bright green eyes.
“Don’t look so happy to see me,” he teased, after he nodded in passing to my grandfather and then continued on to take his place at my side by the diamond bannister.
“Of course I’m happy to see you,” I protested, but it sounded halfhearted, even to me, and I winced.
“You don’t have to lie to me. I know you were upset by my … antics … the other day, and I wanted to say I’m sorry.”
I shrugged and turned back to the luxem magnam. “It doesn’t matter, especially now that I’m leaving.”
“Doesn’t it, though?” Loukas shifted so that he faced me fully, but I kept looking forward.
“No, it doesn’t,” I reiterated more forcefully, refusing to let myself think of the feel of Raidyn’s fingers on my hip, or his lips on my cheekbone. “After tomorrow, I will never see any of you again and you’ll all forget me and go back to … whatever it was you did before I came and complicated things.”
“What, exactly, do you think you complicated, I wonder?”
“I don’t have the energy to do this, Loukas. If you have something to say to me, just say it.” I finally faced him, clamping my teeth together and crossing my arms across my chest.
The teasing light went out of his unique green eyes and he nodded. “That’s fair.” He sighed and pushed a hand through his thick, dark hair. For the first time since I’d met him, he looked … uncomfortable. Nervous, even. “Here’s the thing. Raidyn and Sharmaine … they’ve had this thing going on for most of our lives. The three of us were raised together. Our parents were all best friends growing up, they were all Riders, and it was always assumed that we would all be Riders too. It’s hard, though, when two boys both like the same girl.”
My eyebrows rose but I stayed silent, letting him talk.
“At first we were so young and it was mostly silly kid stuff anyway—so it didn’t really matter. But then the war came and our parents left to fight and suddenly we had to grow up all too fast. She always preferred him, even as kids, of course, because who wouldn’t?” This he said with a little self-deprecating laugh that cut me to my core.
“No, Loukas, that’s not—”
“I’m not telling you this to gain your pity,” he cut me off, a bit more sharply, and I flinched. “I guess I just don’t want you going back to Vamala without … understanding a few things. And one is this: our parents all came back—except for Raidyn’s. When the gateway was shut, they hadn’t made it back. All Paladin left in Vamala were presumed dead—because if they weren’t already, it was assumed it was only a matter of time.
“We were nine when your grandmother told him his parents were never coming back.”
I stared at Loukas, but he no longer seemed to see me, trapped in the memories that he’d decided to share for some reason. “Raidyn was devastated, and nothing and no one—not even Sharmaine—could reach him. He shut her out, he shut me out, he closed himself off. The only time I’ve seen him truly happy since the day he was told his parents were never coming back through that gateway was when Naiki chose him. Raising her, training her, flying with her—those were the only times he seemed truly at peace. I hoped that he’d get over it with time, but we grew up, and nothing really changed. Raidyn’s had feelings for Sharmaine for years, and she definitely has fallen completely in love with him, but he’s never acted on anything with her, much to her dismay and my frustration. If you think loving the same girl is hard when you’re kids, it’s infinitely worse when you’re adults, but she loves him back and he won’t do anything about it because he’s still so lost, even after all of these years.”
He paused and I could do nothing except stand there, my hands hanging heavy and useless at my sides. He didn’t want my pity and I didn’t know why he was telling me this and I was leaving—
“And then you showed up,” he continued, his focus suddenly snapping back to me.
I swallowed, unaccountably nervous. I wasn’t sure I liked where this was going.
“Your father asked him to heal you—and of course he said yes. Your father is the closest thing Raid has had to a father in his life for the last fifteen years. He would do anything Adelric asked him to do. Even a healing so intense it would invoke sanaulus with his daughter—the daughter who just came through a gateway that was supposedly shut for good. The gateway to the world where his parents were trapped and presumed dead but maybe, just maybe had somehow survived—the way Adelric had survived.”
A hard knot began to form in the pit of my stomach as several pieces of a puzzle I had no idea existed until now fell into place. “And you think he saw my plight as an opportunity,” I supplied. “You think he’s been fighting so hard to reopen the gateway ‘for me’ because he really wants it reopened—so he can go through it and search for his parents?”
Loukas’s shoulders lifted and fell once. “I think that is a distinct possibility, yes.”
“And you,” I bit out, “saw me as an opportunity—to make Raidyn jealous, to possibly take his interest off of Sharmaine for a bit, so you could have a chance to use me to break her heart and be the one to win her over, by comforting her while he was off being enticed by me.”
“No, that’s not—”
“Well, I hate to break it to you, but it didn’t work. He wasn’t enticed, she wasn’t jealous, and now I’m leaving for good, so the three of you will have to figure it out on your own.” I turned on my heel, furious that I was blinking back tears once more—why couldn’t I just be angry without it making me cry?—and stormed away from Loukas and what I had hoped would be a peaceful last goodbye to the luxem magnam. He couldn’t have been content with just ruining my belief that Raidyn had truly only intended to help me get back to Inara. Now he’d ruined my last moments here, too.
“Zuhra, wait! I didn’t mean that—”
“Goodbye, Loukas. Thanks for the enlightening information,” I spat through gritted teeth without turning back.
* * *
“Are you ready?”
I faced Naiki, my stomach clenched into a twisted mess, surrounded by every gryphon and Rider in every battalion in the Paladin army, except for one that was to stay back and guard the city, and the two assigned to patrol over the other towns and cities beyond the circle of mountain peaks that I hadn’t even realized existed. There was still so much to this world I didn’t know, and now would never learn about or see.
I’d only caught a couple of glimpses of Raidyn in the two days it had taken to prepare for this moment, and the times I had I’d been afraid to speak to him—afraid it would be too much or not enough, and so I didn’t say anything, which was infinitely worse, and now we were out of time.
And instead of all the things I’d wanted to say, Loukas’s final words were what were ringing in my head as I stood there, with Raidyn behind me, asking if I was ready to go.
After the tumultuous storm of emotions I’d been through here, the time had come to leave this place, to leave my grandparents, and Loukas, and Sharmaine … and Raidyn. When I’d learned Raidyn had volunteered to fly me to the gateway my first reaction had been excitement—but, in light of what Loukas had told me, it quickly gave way to distrust, even anger. Before that conversation by the luxem magnam, I might have hoped that he wanted one last chance to be together before we were separated forever. But now I was afraid he was only using me to be as close to the gateway as possible—so that he could dive through it when the chance came, to go in search of his parents.
Could he truly still believe they were alive after eighteen
years?
Could he truly have been using me?
“Zuhra?” He sounded a bit uncertain when I didn’t respond the first time, and I had to squeeze my eyes shut momentarily to regain my composure.
“Yes, sorry. I’m ready.” I lifted my leg as I had the last time we’d gone on a ride together, desperately trying not to think about any portion of that day, or what I thought I’d felt … what I’d hoped we’d both felt when Naiki had taken us away from everything except for each other.
I felt the concern, the bewilderment, in him as he bent and grabbed my leg and then boosted me into the air. His touch still set off a conflagration of emotions, especially when he swung into the saddle behind me, his arms wrapping around me to take the reins in his hands, his biceps brushing my ribs. He’d already explained that this ride would be much more technical and that unlike last time he needed full control of the reins. The easiest way to do that was to let him hold me in place with his arms, with mine over top so I could grab onto him if I needed to.
The heat of his stomach and chest on my back, the soft whoosh of his breath near my ear, and his arms braced around my body as Naiki stood fully, stretching her wings out to the side of us, were almost more than I could bear. I had to close my eyes again, clamping down on the traitorous thundering of my heart and the hot pulse of blood in my veins.
There was a loud whistle ahead somewhere and then the very earth rumbled beneath us as hundreds of gryphons all galloped forward as one and took off, ascending into the sky—a sea of wings and Riders spreading across it like a sudden massive cloud passing over Soluselis and the castle below us.
It struck me then how dangerous this truly might be, if it required such an immense force.
Raidyn’s arms tightened around me as we lifted off the earth, his powerful thighs squeezing Naiki’s flanks, and even though we were surrounded on all sides, I couldn’t help but remember our last ride—and what he’d told me, about Naiki, about flying … it made sense now. She’d chosen him shortly after he’d been told about his parents; that’s why he’d been lost. She’d saved him, he’d said. That had been truth. Had any of the rest of it? He hadn’t said anything about how he felt toward me, but it had been implied, hadn’t it?
It doesn’t matter, I told myself as the huge cliffs grew ever closer, and the city of Soluselis shrank behind us. He wouldn’t be allowed through the gateway, even if he tried. And soon, all of this, including Raidyn, would be nothing more than memory.
“Here comes the gap. Hold on tight!” Raidyn warned as he shortened the reins and guided Naiki toward the frighteningly narrow space between the two cliffs that I’d been terrified of that first day. I knew it was still just as tight a spot to squeeze through, and just as dangerous, but I also knew Raidyn now—and I felt no fear as we soared toward it, as he guided Naiki to tilt, one arm wrapping around my waist to hold me in place. He bent forward, pressing us both against her neck, and we slipped through the gap.
When we came out the other side and straightened out, I felt an indefinable loss to realize that had been my last glimpse of their valley—or the castle on the hill and all it held. The wind whipped the tears from my eyes before they even fell.
The ride that had felt interminably long on the way to Soluselis passed in a blur on the way back to the gateway. Each wing flap brought me closer to my sister, but was one fewer second I had with Raidyn.
We’d been silent the entire time; I’d forced myself to sit as straight as possible, refusing to give in to the temptation to lean back into him. But that didn’t stop my heart from thumping or my breath from catching, just as it had a few days ago when it had been just us in the sky, instead of a swarm of Paladin closing in on whatever awaited us at the gateway.
“I always believed she was alive.” When Raidyn finally spoke, it took me so off guard I jumped and nearly unseated myself. He let go of the reins with one hand to grab onto my waist reflexively, but even after I was resettled, he didn’t let go. “I’m really happy for you—that you get to go back to her.”
I nodded, afraid to speak, afraid of what would come out. I was a tumult of questions and wishes and wants and regrets.
“And your mother.… I didn’t realize she was there, too,” he added, referring, I supposed, to the comment I’d made in the council meeting. I hadn’t spoken of her much to anyone—not wanting to try and explain her and the complicated mess of feelings I had toward her.
I merely nodded again.
Raidyn’s hand flexed against my hip, his thumb brushing the skin just beneath my shirt, and I couldn’t keep from shivering at the touch of his skin against mine. He said something else but it was whipped away by the wind.
I turned my head slightly and shouted, “What?”
He leaned forward to put his mouth closer to my ear. “I know it’s not fair to use the connection we have and I normally wouldn’t even comment on it, but…” The thunder of Naiki’s wings beating matched my heart when he paused. “We’re almost out of time and I don’t want things to end like this if they don’t have to. Zuhra … what have I done to make you mad at me?”
I stiffened, my breath catching in my lungs. Did I admit what Loukas had told me? Did I confess my fears to him? Or did I brush it off? It wasn’t fair that the sanaulus gave him that insight into my feelings, without my permission. Did that mean he could feel everything else I was right then too?
“Zuhra, please. Tell me what has upset you.”
Naiki even tossed her head with a small cry, as if she, too, could sense the turmoil roiling within me.
I almost did it—I almost told him what Loukas had said and why I was upset. I would have, if my grandmother hadn’t flown into view at that moment, with my grandfather riding behind her on her gryphon, my father at her left flank. She looked right at me, then past me to Raidyn. Her eyes narrowed, and my fears doubled. Did she know—did she suspect?
Maybe Loukas was right and I had every right to feel this way.
To feel used.
“Nothing,” I finally answered, my eyes still on my grandmother, who guided her gryphon to pull up alongside us. “I’m just worried—hoping this works.”
There was a beat of silence—when I could actually feel him withdrawing from me, even though his hand didn’t move—and then he said, “Well, I’m glad you’re not upset at me. And don’t worry, this will work. You’ll be back with your family before you know it. Where you wanted to be.”
There was an odd note to his voice—a hint of bitterness, underscored by a pang of hurt. But I wasn’t sure if it was caused by my lie or by his own pain at losing his family in my world all those years ago.
Another whistle sounded, loud enough to overscore the wind and beating wings, and the great mass of gryphons broke into two groups—the much larger one continuing forward to the gateway, while Sachiel led her battalion slightly to the west, to do just as she’d volunteered and attempt to draw off as many of the rakasa as possible.
Naiki and the other gryphons in our group began to angle lower, closer to the ground, and my heart leapt into my throat. I knew we were deep in the rakasas’ lands now, and we could be attacked at any time from any quarter. The hesitation to come to the gateway and open it wasn’t just because of the threat in Vamala—this side of the gateway was far more dangerous and could very well prove deadly, even today, even with this massive force of Paladin all primed and ready to fight to protect us.
“Don’t be afraid,” Raidyn murmured. “No matter what lies ahead, I promise, I won’t let anything happen to you.”
And despite everything, including my own misgivings about him and his motives, I couldn’t help but believe him.
Two short, loud whistles sounded and Raidyn released my waist to grab onto the reins with both hands again.
“That’s the signal. The first group is going to land and clear the field of threats, then the council group and our group will land, to open the gateway so you and Adelric can go through.”
I swallowed and n
odded. This was it. It was actually happening. I had no idea what awaited me back in the citadel—what I would find, who I would find. But I knew Inara had to be there, waiting for me. There was no one else who could have tried to open the gateway.
Hold on, Nara. I’m coming, I thought, bending forward slightly to watch the first group of gryphons dive toward the trees below and the field where a gateway stood—the one that would take me back home.
THIRTY-NINE
INARA
I am gone.
Who am I?
Who am I?
It’s back … faster this time … and I am … lost.
Pain.
Pain.
I am pain.
Roaring and roaring and roaring. And in my dreams, she’s there, calling for me, beckoning to me, needing me.
I will go to her—I must go to her.
In a room with a door to nowhere and everywhere.
The roar will take me to her.
She calls for me and I will go.
Doors and darkness and roaring and voices calling to me, but I must go to her. I must go.
FORTY
ZUHRA
Naiki touched down lightly, barely even jarring me this time, and within moments, Raidyn had vaulted from her back and quickly helped me down. His hands lingered at my waist for a fraction of a heartbeat, but then he released me with a mumbled “Looks like it’s working so far.”
He was right—so far the plan had worked shockingly well. The field had been cleared of the few remaining rakasa from the last power surge, though it was full of gryphons and Riders, all facing outward in concentric circles around the gateway, prepared for an attack, and when I turned to look, a group of six Paladin—including my grandmother—formed a semicircle around the gateway. I watched her for a moment, conflicted. What could have been time for us to get to know one another had instead been wasted, with her too intent on ignoring me. But I hadn’t made an effort either, I realized. I could have sought her out, forced her to acknowledge me.
Sisters of Shadow and Light Page 33
