by t. h. snyder
They both have a calm expression on their faces which is hard to read. I don’t know if what they are about to tell me is going to be good or bad. I clench my fists to my side and hope for the best.
“Well, let me have it. How is she?” I ask.
Bryce wraps Teresa into his side and she puts her hand to her mouth. Tears fall from both of their faces and I feel the urgent need to sit. This can’t be good.
“She is out of surgery and will remain in the ICU till they know more about her condition. When she went into surgery there were a lot of things going wrong at once, but they had to focus on what was important first.” Bryce says.
“So what does that mean, did they fix what’s wrong with her? Will she be okay? Can we see her?” I ask stumbling over my words.
“Her head injury was pretty intense and that was their main concern. They found the area that was causing blood to sit on a section of her brain and they were able to stop it.” Bryce says.
“Thank god.” Teresa chimes in and reaches for my hand. “She needs our thoughts and prayers more than anything else right now. They said immediate family can go up to see her in a few hours. They want to monitor her pretty closely first. The nurse said she’ll come down and let us know as soon as we can go up.”
I look between the two people that love Charlie more than their own lives. This is a hard pill for all of us to swallow. I can’t imagine how much this is hurting them.
“I don’t know what to say or do. I feel lost and helpless right now.”
“Derrick there’s nothing you could do to prevent this and nothing you can do right now but pray for our Char.”
I nod my head in agreement. “Well I think I’m going to go home and get a shower. I know Emma will be back soon to keep an eye out for Riley, but till then will you go in and keep him company mom?”
“Of course we will son, he’s an important part of this family and we need him to get better too.” She says.
“While I’m over at the house, I’ll check in on Manny and make sure he has food and water. Thank god for the doggy door Char insisted Riley install last week. The poor dog would be pissing all over the place.”
“Good thinking.” Bryce says.
“Do either of you need anything while I’m out?”
“No we’re good. Chloe and the guys should be here in a few hours and by then I hope we can go up and see her.” Teresa says.
“Okay, call me if anything changes with Charlie or Riley.”
“Will do Derrick, be safe.”
“Always.” I reply and walk out of the room heading home.
On my way to the house I think of how quickly life can change. How in a split second someone you love can be taken away. I try to remember the last thing I said to either of them and a draw a blank. I know that both of them know how important they are to me and I never go a day without telling them how much I appreciate their friendship.
My mind wonders back to the thoughts of what I would do if it were Chloe in the ICU. That girl was my life before I even knew she meant the world to me. Being apart from her for the past few months has been torture. I miss her. I love her. I can’t stand another day being apart from her. But I don’t know if we could ever make it work. We tried and we failed once before. Who’s to say if we did try again it would work?
Fucking hell, what am I even thinking? I don’t even know how she feels. For all I know she has already moved on and hasn’t wasted a second of her time thinking about me.
This sucks and all I know is that I still love Chloe. I need to get her back and I need to never let her go again.
Shortly after I arrive at the hospital and hear the news of Char I’m introduced to Emma. I still feel like a jackass for assuming she was dating Derrick, but now that I’ve met her I feel a bit better. There’s a lot that I need to get reacquainted with if I’ll be moving back to Boston.
God, I haven’t even thought about where I’ll live. I mean I own a house with Derrick, but that doesn’t mean I can just move back in…does it? Shit I need to think some things through and fast.
Now that the whole crew is here we have pretty much taken over the family waiting area. I look around at all the people that are here showing their love and support for my sister and Riley. I haven’t gone over to say hello to Rose and Bud yet though I’m feeling kind of guilty. Not for fear of rejection, but because Derrick is now sitting between them and Emma has found a home next to Rose.
Knowing that Derrick still loves me is the best feeling in the world, but I still feel a bit awkward. A few times we’ve caught one another looking in the other’s direction. It’s funny how we’ve spent majority of our lives together and now it’s as if we’re complete strangers. I want to be able to run over to him and sit on his lap. I want him to be the one to comfort me and me to be there for him. It’s a sticky situation we’re in and I want more than anything to talk to him alone.
I need to tell him that there’s a huge possibility that I’ll be moving back here to Boston. In fact my final interview is this coming Monday at the Red Sox and Orioles game. My family will be thrilled to know that I’ll be so close again, but is it the right time to tell them? Everyone is so consumed with the fear of what will happen to Char. Would me telling them my news make them feel better? I wish I knew the answers so I could break the silence in the room. It’s making me a little nervous.
Pete begins to stand and I see him move over to Emma out of the corner of my eye. She too gets up from her chair and they walk over to Derrick. The three of them walk toward us and my heart begins to beat at an uncontrollable speed. I don’t know why but seeing him and having him so near has my nerves and heart racing.
Derrick extends his hand to me and I look up at him.
“We’re going to go grab some coffee. Do you want to join us?” He asks me.
Hearing his voice and having him talk to me gives me goose bumps down my arms and butterflies in my stomach. It amazes me how much his body still effects mine. I grab his hand and allow him to help me from my seat. I give him a smile and nod my head. He never lets go of my hand and I don’t try for second to pull it away.
I can feel the warmth from his touch spread through my entire body and I feel as though I’m on fire. I have missed this, I’ve missed him.
I turn and look at my parents telling them to call my cell if they hear anything about Char or Riley. Derrick pulls me forward and I look into his baby blues. He’s smiling at me and my heart melts.
“So where we going?” I ask.
“Well Pete and I are going for a walk outside to get some fresh air.” Emma says. “And we both agreed that you and Derrick need a chance to talk. The sexual tension is thick enough to get your parents in the mood for a little wam bam thank ya mam up there.”
“Fuck Emma, that’s just gross.” Derrick says. “But I do agree that we should talk. You wanna go to the cafeteria and grab some coffee?”
“Yeah.”I reply. My throat feels like there’s a million cotton balls lodged in there and I’m feeling nervous to be alone with Derrick.
Emma and Pete follow us down to the elevator, but stay on when we get off on the second floor.
We walk in silence to the cafeteria our hands still interlocked the entire way.
So many thoughts and questions are racing through my mind. I have no clue how Derrick feels about any of this. We left one another on such emotional terms and haven’t spoken a word to one another in months. Even though Pete said Derrick still loves me, what if he isn’t still in love with me anymore?
Can four months of being apart erase the love and passion we shared for so long? Choosing my career over Derrick was a difficult decision, but look at where it has lead me, right back to him.
I have heard it over and over again, everything happens for a reason. And even Char told me that if Derrick and I were meant to be together, we’d find our way back to each other.
I think we just did. But wait, did he find someone else while I was gone…did he date? Oh
god how will I explain things with me and Andrew to him? I can’t keep it a secret. I mean, even though we were never intimate I still owe him an explanation…right?
I glance over at him as we walk through the cafeteria doors and my heart skips a beat. I know that I’m still totally in love with him. Not even the past few months could take that away from me. I miss looking into those baby blue eyes, running my fingers through his soft brown hair and wake up every morning to his touch.
In some ways I feel like nothing has changed between us, but I know better than that. A lot has changed. Where do we go from here?
If someone would have told me that I would have the worst and best day of my life today I probably would have stayed in bed waiting for the best part to come find me.
Seeing Chloe after all of these months has my heart racing and my mind spinning with the memories of how we used to be happy. I can shut my eyes and play back every moment we’ve spent together. I’m so in love with this girl that I rightfully deserve to have my man card revoked.
If only it were that easy. For the past four months I walked around in a fog trying to figure out how I would move on with my life after losing Chloe. I see how happy Charlie and Riley were every day I was with them and it ripped my heart apart. I don’t mean to be a dick or anything, but there’s only so much hugging and kissing a guy can take when he’s not the one getting the action.
There have been a few times that Emma and I were over at their house for dinner or a movie or just to hang out and we cut the night short because of their public displays of affection. I really am happy for my two best friends, but when you are depressed and missing the one you love that kind of scene is not where you want to be for too long.
I take another look over in Chloe’s direction and she is sitting between her parents with her head resting on Bryce’s shoulder. Her mom has her hand wrapped around Chloe’s arm and is running her nails up and down it for comfort I’m sure. I can’t help but watch her from the short distance we are sitting apart. So much as happened today, yet my mind is focused on her. I have this unnerving need to pick her up and sit her on my lap. I want to be the one to soothe her worries, to make her feel better and to tell her it will all be okay. A few times we’ve made eye contact and just as quickly as our eyes meet, they drifted back apart. I wish I knew what was on her mind when she looks at me.
I think it’s great that she jumped on a plane and came out here to be with our families. Of course she did, Char is her sister, but I wonder what she had to leave behind to be here. Her career is one of the most important things in her life. So important she chose that over our relationship. I still dwell on the memories of that day. There’s a pain from that day that I don’t think will ever go away.
I never thought I’d have to say goodbye to the love of my life and I sure as hell don’t want to do it again. How long will Chloe be here in Boston? I wonder if she’s able to stay here for a day, two days a week maybe. When does she have to be back out in LA? I know how busy life was out there for her and I’m sure things have only gotten more intense with her new position.
She’s been traveling the past few days with March Madness and from the looks of ESPN Live they’ve already replaced her position. I hate not knowing what she’s doing and watching from a far. It kills me that there’s this awkwardness between us. We’ve been friends most of our lives but the best years together with her have been those that we were a couple. I keep fighting the need to get up and touch her, but now isn’t the time or place.
I wonder if she found someone else. Maybe there’s someone in LA that makes her feel things I couldn’t because we lived too far apart. I don’t even think I want to know if she did. It would seriously crush me to know if she was seeing someone else. Great now I feel like a hypocrite. Just a few days ago I had another girls tongue down my throat and now I’m sitting here getting pissed off thinking Chloe could have been doing the same thing with some guy.
I let out a groan of frustration and mom puts her hand on my back. I look up from staring at the floor and see a nurse walk past the visiting room. As if this day isn’t any less aggravating, I can’t help but wish we knew more about Charlie. It’s been a few hours since she’s gotten out of surgery, but we can’t go up and see her yet. Tony and Chris went in to sit with Riley for a bit which is good. He needs to get himself better so he can get out of that bed and up to see Charlie. I’m seriously going to beat the shit out of both of them for making us all sit here and worry like this.
My pocket starts to vibrate and I pull my phone out of my pocket. I read the text message I just got and a smile crosses my face. Fucking Emma and Pete are playing text message tag with me.
Emma – Let’s go for a walk and grab some coffee….oh yeah and bring that cute brunette before Pete snags her ;)
After reading the message Emma and Pete walk over to me. I quickly tell mom that we’re going down for some coffee and to call me if the doctors come back out here about Charlie.
I know what I need to do and I want to talk to her so bad. It’s now or never and I can thank Emma and Pete for the push I’ve needed all day.
Walking across the visiting room I stop in front of Chloe. She looks up at me with those beautiful brown eyes and I ask her to come with us for a walk and coffee. Thank god she says yes and I pull her hand in mine.
And just like that the warmth she always brought when we were together spreads from my fingers to my hands and up my arm.
Derrick lets go of my hand to grab both cups of coffee and walks over to the registers. I quickly pull out a twenty from my back pocket and hand it to the cashier. He gives me a handsome scowl and I just shrug my shoulders and give him a wink. I think it’s a step in the right direction that we can still be so playful with one another after so many months apart.
Walking around the cafeteria to find a seat, I follow closely behind him. I watch as his body takes each step and I feel a sensation take over my body that I haven’t felt in a long time. It’s a feeling of longing. Seeing and being near him is bringing back so many emotions that I don’t know what to do with. We need to talk, I should really tell him about the interview with the Red Sox on Monday, but I don’t know where to start and how it will end. Will things be okay? Can we make this work? Will he even want to make it work?
We choose to sit down at a table by the window and I quickly grab the cup of coffee so that I have something to keep my hands busy. Playing with the cup I slide it back in forth between my hands waiting for it to cool down. My nerves are completely shot at this point and I don’t know where to look or even what to say.
I take a sip of the steamy beverage and burn my lip.
“Ouch, shit that’s hot!”
“Yeah I usually prefer my coffee hot. Don’t you?” He says with a laugh.
“Yes smart ass I do. I just thought if I…you know what never mind.” I say with a pout.
The moment turns into a minute of silence and then two minutes and before I know it ten minutes of awkward silence passes by and my coffee cup is empty.
“Ugh! Derrick, why does this feel so weird?” I ask motioning to the distance between us.
“It does doesn’t it? Look I’m sorry for not calling you the past few months.”
“Is there a reason you didn’t call?” I ask staring out the window.
I don’t know if I can make eye contact right now with him. As much as I wanted to call him so many times, I didn’t.
“To tell you the truth, I don’t know why I didn’t call. At times I was pissed as hell with you and didn’t think I could hear your voice, but then other times I just wanted to hear you so that I knew you weren’t really gone.”
I finally take my eyes off the view out the window and look at him. He really is the most handsome guy I’ve ever seen. Even though his blue eyes look tired and worn out, they still shine when he’s looking at me. We can communicate so well with one another just by looking into the other’s eyes.
“You know it’s killed me ev
ery day not talking to you, regardless if I wanted to or not. I wake up thinking about you and how your day may go. I go to bed thinking about you and wonder if you would talk to me about how your day actually turned out. All day everyday I’m consumed thinking about you…thinking about us.”
His words mean so much to me. He has no idea how much. I try to speak, but he asks me to wait.
“Chloe I know we said the distance was too much for us to handle this relationship, but to be honest I’d rather live thousands of miles away from you than not with you at all.”
The smile on my face is so big that I’m afraid my face will split in two.
“Oh Derrick I feel the same way and I’ve missed you so much. I tried to forget about the pain of us being apart, to do things to help keep my mind from you, but nothing worked.
I don’t know how to approach the topic of what I was really doing while we were apart, but I figure now isn’t the time to bring up that kind of a conversation.
Derrick grabs the legs of my chair and pulls me closer to him.
“I need to touch you Chloe, it’s been too long.”
He’s so close to me that I can feel his hot breathe on my face. I want so badly to close this space and feel those lips against mine. There’s so much for us to talk about so many things that will change. But right now I just want to be close to him.
Grabbing my hands in his he brings them to his lips and peppers kisses along my knuckles and finger tips. My entire body is paralyzed with passion for this man and in that moment I swear to never let anything pull us apart again. I have to tell him…he needs to know.
Seeing Chloe today took my breath away. Nothing about her has changed. She is still as beautiful as the day I left her in LA. Her long dark hair still smells of her sweet mango shampoo and her gorgeous big, brown eyes still twinkle every time she smiles.
Sitting here with her and having her close to me is almost like a dream. For a brief moment I almost forgot why we were even here at Massachusetts General.
