by C. L. Donley
“This what you want? Hm?” his short breaths hot against her ear. Jo was speechless as he held her steady and sure, his massive cock stretching her in that way she was starting to crave. He started to move, his knees slightly bent so that his thighs could share some of the weight. He couldn’t stop himself now if he wanted to. He hadn’t bothered to question why Jo was letting him fuck her without protection, he just knew that she was, and he was about to use all his strength to impregnate her right there in the bathroom.
Their tongues danced as he held her steady, his lower body lost in a pelvic frenzy. Tender thoughts gathered in his mind and morphed to filthy sentiments once they traveled to his mouth.
“Fuck…. this pussy… I can’t stay away…” he whispered. It wasn’t a lie. Just not the whole truth.
“…oh…Adam…baby…” Jo pelted him with tiny affectionate encouragement that hit his blood like an amphetamine. He adjusted Jo a bit higher on his hips and she did a little bounce on his dick that he re-enacted again and again. Pretty soon they were locked in a dance that couldn’t be construed as anything else but dirty fucking.
“Oh God, just listen to that,” he marveled, the wet sounds of their lovemaking filling the upstairs hall bathroom, the two of them slicked with pre-cum and arousal. His body lit up like a Christmas tree, preparing itself to deliver its most well-intentioned batch of jizz to date. His permeating climax coincided with the insistent burn in his thighs.
“I’m gonna come in you so deep, you ready?”
“Yes!”
He could only ask her one last time before his eyes were squeezing closed, trying to quietly ease himself through his clamorous orgasm with short little high pitched sobs. Jo was less successful, rubbing her clit silly against his stomach listening to the frantic cries of ecstasy her body had elicited from him for the first time in weeks.
* * *
This thing me and Jo have, it’s real dangerous. And not just because of who we are.
I’ve been with a lot of women that gave me butterflies, that kept me awake. Made me obsessed and I thought it was love. But I’ve never experienced this. Passion. It’s reckless. Doesn’t care who sees or what it costs. It’s good if you have a little. Just enough to aim and shoot. Hit your goal. But it shouldn’t be spilling all over the place. Damn.
I knew the danger. The whole time. But… I don’t know. I didn’t think it could happen to me. She seemed a little lonely, but she seemed decent. Moral. Had her head in the right place.
It’s not that all that wasn’t true, I just can’t remember why I thought that would keep me safe. Why would a woman not have the power to consume me, just because she was decent and moral? Since when did pure oxygen become less of a threat to a match?
But then, a wild, stubborn, loudmouth son of a bitch like me definitely shoulda kept her safe. So I don’t know what the hell is goin’ on.
Last week at the Umbridge house I was distracted as all hell. All I can think about is Jo wrapped around my waist, letting me come inside her.
Why would she do that? I keep asking myself. I wanna ask her that. Over and over while I touch her.
I was love-struck before, but now? Now I feel like a zombie. She stole my fuckin’ heart. I can’t sleep, I don’t eat, I don’t give a shit about my job or where I am or who’s trying to get a hold of me. Just trying to make it on the other side of a day.
I hadn’t gotten so much as a text after 4th of July. And I’ll be damned if I’ll be the first one to cave this time. She probably regrets the whole thing. Probably freakin’ out as we speak. Why would she let me do that if she didn’t want me back the way that I want her? The way she looked into my soul. I thought it meant she was done fighting, but I was wrong. Damn.
She’s mine now and she doesn’t know it. I’m sure as hell not fooling myself, I’m fucking all hers. If she called me right now, I’d meet her wherever she wanted to meet.
I called Kenny to see if she was available. Well, to spy on her. I knew she wasn’t available. I told myself that talking about her to someone else didn’t count as caving. Besides, she was the one that came by looking for easy money and promisin’ to “stay outta my hair.”
“What’s Jo workin’ on? I might need ‘er.”
“For what?” I could hear Kenny chewin’ food. The sound of it made me paranoid that he could see right through me.
“Charlie’s workin’ on a ranch in Canton. This one’s a few weeks out.”
“That so? Haven’t heard from Charlie.”
“Charlie’s a busy guy. Doesn’t hurt to show some initiative.”
“You just don’t know when to quit, do you Adam?” he said teasingly. So I wasn’t just being paranoid.
“Can I help it if I need an extra drywall guy?”
“Bullshit.”
“What’s she got for August?”
“Nothin. ‘Fact, she hasn’t taken anything since last month.”
My brain did a double take.
“…She’s not workin’ today?”
“Not that I know of.”
What the fuck. She talked like she was all booked up. I could have asked him about it, but I didn’t want to seem like the dumbass I apparently was.
“Well, see if she wants to make some easy money. Wouldn’t take her a week, I don’t think.”
“I’ll tell her, but don’t get your hopes up.”
When I hung up the phone, I got the worst fuckin’ feeling in my stomach than I’ve ever had in my life.
Why the hell’s she pretending to be busy? She doesn’t want me to bother her anymore, but she keeps fuckin’ coming around. Who the hell lies about working, anyway?
Or did Gus lie about her working?
Or did they both lie?
I probably stared into space for a good five minutes. I couldn’t hear anybody fuckin’ talking to me, I couldn’t get a handle on my mind. My feet started moving even while a small voice was trying to keep me from assuming the worst.
It isn’t what you think it is, I thought as I got in my truck. But I’d told myself that before.
It’s Gus’s day off, and he lied about her working.
My mind flashed back to first the night they hung out, and Gus’s face as she rushed out the door to tell me she was ready to leave. I recalled his face at the picnic with a bone-chilling clarity. And it wasn’t an oblivious face. It was a guilty-as-fuck-face. A keep-your-mouth-shut face.
Jo is not Caitlyn. Never in a million years.
But bitches have a way of surprising you. And black bitches? Never surprise me. Ever.
I felt like a fucking sucker. Why the fuck would Jo come by Umbridge, while I wasn’t there, on the first damn day of work? Why would that stupid hillbilly lie to me about it?
It doesn’t make sense, I kept hearing in the back of my mind, driving the twenty minutes back into town. I should’ve probably told someone that I was leaving. But my phone wasn’t blowing up, so everything was probably fine.
Just then, my phone did ring. It was Charlie.
Shit. But it’s not about the Umbridge House. Corey woulda called me first.
“Charlie, what’s up?”
“You busy?”
Shit. Tell him you’re not there? Well, then you’d have to tell him why, and sound like a fuckin’ lunatic. I just had to pray he wouldn’t ask me to look in some part of the house for something.
“Got a few minutes. What’s up?”
“I won’t keep you, just letting you know that inspector called me sayin’ he was lost.”
Shit. That was today.
“Why didn’t he call me?”
“Said he tried but you didn’t answer.”
I couldn’t even use my brain to figure this shit out right now.
“So what, we have to reschedule?”
“He says he doesn’t have another spot until August 8th.”
It’s not what you think it is, my insides were drowning out the conversation.
“Fuck him, I’ll ask around and see if I
can get a different guy but keep the appointment just in case.”
“It’s not a clusterfuck yet, just a head’s up.”
I pulled up to Jo’s house where her car was parked out front. Sure enough, she wasn’t at work.
I lowered the phone from my ear. My heart was about to fuckin’ give out and I wanted to die in peace.
“Charlie, I gotta let you go.”
“Alright.”
His truck’s not here. Relax. I told myself over the sound of my own breath. But I couldn’t relax, because she was lyin’ to me, and I sure as fuck had no idea why. She lied to me and my heart was torn and ready to break over it, no matter how stupid it was. She was scared of me. She couldn’t tell me what this whole thing was doing to her insides. She refused to let me in.
I got to the front door and pounded on it.
“Jo. Let me in right now,” I yelled. It was too much but I couldn’t fuckin’ help myself.
I stood and waited. I didn’t hear anything. I looked in the window and didn’t see anything. Was she sleeping? Hurt? Worse?
“What the fuck is going on?” I said out loud. I couldn’t get around the high wooden gate to the backyard without lookin’ like a damn burglar. I went to her car to look for clues, but the door was locked. Huh. She really must not be here, because she probably wouldn’t bother locking it otherwise…
Just then I saw today’s date staring me in the face from the windshield, in big black pen. And a time. 4 pm. Family planning. Dot org.
And then I realized.
It’s worse than I thought. Worse than any of that shit.
And I had less than ten minutes to put a stop to it.
* * *
“Try to relax.”
“Sorry about this,” Jo sheepishly offered. Jo was clenching her whole body as the nurse rummaged for a vein in her left arm with what felt like a rusty Phillips head screwdriver.
“Never would’ve survived as a drug user, obviously,” Jo lamely babbled. Beads of sweat started to form at her hairline.
“We might have to try the hand instead.”
“So sorry,” Jo apologized again.
“No worries,” the nurse replied. At least, she assumed she was a nurse. Enduring the torture of getting the anesthesia IV hooked up through her hand started to make her wonder.
“So we’re just gonna do an ultrasound really quick and see if everything looks good.”
“Okay.”
“Now you’re free to opt-out of seeing the ultrasound, but we will have to monitor the heartbeat.”
“Is that really necessary?”
“I’m afraid so.”
Jo laid stiffly back as the technician placed warm gel on her stomach and glided the instrument across her midsection searching for signs of life. The loud scratchy amplified sound made Jo’s belly sound like deep space. Finally, the beat drew their ears, loud and fast. Jo made no effort to hide the smile that the technician was so carefully trained to stifle. Jo’s eyes stung and her throat ached. Sorry little guy, but I need you to go back to heaven where you belong, she said telepathically to the beat coming from her belly. A tear fell when she closed her eyes shut.
Finally, the doctor came in and after a cryptic chat between her and the nurse, they were ready to begin. The woman she recognized from her appointment came in and sat at her left side.
“Ready?”
“Yes ma’am,” Jo took a deep breath. The woman took her by the hand and an odd feeling came over her. The moment had all the fright and exhilaration of a transition but none of the joy. None of the resolve. There would be nothing to celebrate or even mourn after this moment. There would simply be nothing at all. She will have invented a void.
“Just lay back and take a few deep breaths…”
“JoAnn!”
Jo sat up, wondering if the anesthetic was already kicking in after just a few minutes, and if she was having a bad reaction to it.
No way is Adam Kerr actually here.
17
Chapter 17
“Did anyone else hear that?” Jo asked.
The nurse and the doctor looked around, indicating that perhaps they did.
She heard heavy footsteps, the sound of doors opening. Suddenly her exam room door was open.
There he was.
“Sir, you can’t be back here,” someone’s faintly authoritative voice projected down the hall.
Adam had a look on his face that Jo would never forget. Anger. Betrayal. Disgust, even.
“What’s all this?”
Jo remained undeterred. It needed to end, and now that he was here she wouldn’t have to lie anymore.
“How in the hell did you find out where I was?” she calmly asked.
“Look what you’re doing. Look what you’re about to do because of your pride!”
“Pride?!”
“I’m not ashamed of you, but you’re ashamed of me.”
“Adam, this isn’t about you. At all.”
“You’re wrong. Even if you really believe that, you’re wrong. And you’re about to make the worst mistake of your life.”
“No, I think having a baby by a racist would probably be the worst mistake of my life.”
He chuckled.
“I’m not a racist. Not like these fuckin’ people. Not like your cunt ex-boyfriend.”
“God, listen to yourself, you’re delusional! You have a swastika on your arm!”
“Which you think is hot!”
“There’s no way I’m having a baby by a nazi. No way in fucking hell.”
He took off his Jean jacket and revealed his right arm tat under his t-shirt. He showed their small audience the garish swastika on his right side.
“She’s talking about this,” he clarified, in case they were confused. “I am a white nationalist. I’m a 5th generation klansman,” he boasted, “and she fucked me!” he pointed.
“Get out!”
“What are you, embarrassed? You think these fuckers give a shit? I’m the only one here who cares about you!!” he shouted.
“That’s a lie,” Jo shook her head, referring to the part where he cared. “I can’t do what you’re asking. I can’t do it. And if you cared about me, you wouldn’t ask it.”
“Of course you can.”
“I can’t! I’m not here because I can! I can’t!!” Jo cried.
“Yes you can, you’re strong. You’re the strongest person I know.”
“Fuck your compliments, Adam! You don’t know what it is to take care of a baby by yourself!”
“You wouldn’t be by yourself!” Adam insisted as if she were dull.
“Jesus Christ, of course, I would be by myself.”
“No, JoAnn, you would not. Fuck your little soyboy baby daddy, I know how to be there for my kid, it’s not that hard.”
“So what, you’re gonna be there for your kid, and Chris will sorta be there for his, and I’m in the middle of this shit show, arranging play dates and answering confused kids’ questions, and explaining daddy’s awful tattoo for the next twenty years? NO, Adam!”
Jo referring to his future self as “daddy” practically knocked the wind out of him. Adam’s eyes reddened with tears that pooled but wouldn’t fall. He stood silent, then wheeled around the sonogram so that she could see what he was seeing. Jo averted her eyes immediately. Her expression cold.
“Look at it, Jo.”
“No,” she rasped.
“You don’t see God in that?”
“Don’t do that,” she shook her head.
“I’m doin’ it.”
“Don’t.”
“Let’s get married,” he blurted.
“Oh God, just get out!”
“I’m not leaving this room until we get this ironed out. Get off of that fucking table right now.”
Jo didn’t budge. If she left this room right now, she would probably never come back.
“Okay. You wanna get married?” she asked, sounding unconvinced.
“Yes.”
“And risk our entire family disowning us both?”
“Fuck ‘em,” he said.
“Are you in love with me?”
“Yes.”
“Really,” she deadpanned.
“Really,” he answered decisively.
“Why?”
“Because you’re beautiful. Inside and out.”
“Gotta do better than that, homie,” she slowly blinked. If she wasn’t hooked up to IV’s she would’ve crossed her arms. He was in trouble if he seriously thought “you’re beautiful” was a strategy. It was gonna take more than that to get her to change her mind.
“I was miserable, Jo. Every day after we came home from that weekend. But I knew I was right and I was so confused. I played it over and over and it ended the same way, with me fuckin’ up both our lives until you had enough and walked out on me. I was prayin’ for a reason to change, Jo, I was dyin’. And then I called Kenny today, of all days. And he told me you weren’t workin’ and I got paranoid. I went around your house lookin’ for you. This is the reason, Jo. You’re carrying my baby now. This’ll do it.”
What he said made little sense to her, but it clearly made all the sense in the world to him.
“We fucked up, the both of us. From day one. There’s a lotta shit wrong with us, but there’s a lotta shit right. A lot. I let the right shit scare me. So did you. That’s where we fucked up, Jo. The wrong shit should be scary, not the right shit.”
She just looked at him. For a long while, before she shook her head.
“You’d say anything to get me off this fuckin’ table.”
“Oh, ‘cause I’m a liar Jo? I could just toss you over my shoulder if I wanted to get you off the table.”
“Why say all this now? Of all the times to say it?” she squinted.
“Because you asked.”
“Were you ever planning on disclosing it if I hadn’t asked?”
