Go Ask Alice

by Beatrice Sparks

  August 3

  It’s been a beautiful, hot lazy day. We were lying out on the lawn when I got the courage to ask Tom _____, who is in the men’s section of my ward, why he was in.

  Tom is a handsome, likeable, extremely articulate young guy. He’s fifteen and he’s the kind of person people automatically feel comfortable around. He said he came from a solid, comfortable, unbroken home and in his last year of junior high school he was voted best liked kid in his school. I guess I would be voted biggest idiot if they did that kind of thing in our school.

  Anyway last spring, he and three of his buddies heard about sniffing glue and thought it sounded exciting so they bought a couple of tubes and tried it. He said they all blasted and thought it was great. I could tell from his eyes that he still thought it was great.

  He said they made a lot of noise yelling and rolling around on the floor, and the kid’s dad yelled down and told them to cool it. He didn’t even suspect why they were cutting up. He just thought they were scuffling around like they always did.

  A week later the same three tried his Dad’s Scotch, but they didn’t like it as much and found it was harder to get than pot and pills. He said what I’d heard before, that parents never miss their diet pills, their tranquilizers, their cold remedies, their pep pills, their sleeping pills, or any of the other things that will supply kids with a “jolt” when they can’t get their hands on anything else. So he started easy, but in six months he said he needed so much money that he had to get a job. So he applied at the most logical place — a drugstore. And it took the manager a fairly long time to figure out what was happening to his pill supply. When he did, he “laid Tommy off” to save his family embarrassment. Nothing was ever said and nobody but Tommy and the manager knew what was going on. However, even getting fired was okay with Tommy because by this time he was into hard drugs and really didn’t care very much what happened. A friend had introduced him to Smack and he started pushing at the Junior High to keep himself going. Then he ended up here, and in my green opinion he’s still freaked out, for even now he almost has a contact high just talking about drugs. I noticed that Julie, who was sitting fairly close to us, had almost the same reaction. It’s sort of like watching someone yawn. You’re drawn into it and you start yawning yourself. I’m so grateful I felt nothing, but I almost wish I hadn’t asked because it was really depressing to see that he and Julie can’t wait to get out of here and get back on their thing.

  Oh, I hate it here! The dirty bathroom urine smells. The small barred cages where people are locked up if they get out of line. One old lady who is a firebug is in one of the cages almost all the time, and I can’t stand it. The people are the very worst of all.

  August 4

  Today we went swimming. On the way back on the bus I sat with Margie Ann who said she doesn’t ever want to get out. She said as soon as she gets out the kids will be right there hassling her head and trying to get her to take off again and right now she knows she couldn’t say no. Then she looked at me and said, “Why don’t we take off, just the two of us. I know where we can get a mixed bag in a minute.”

  August 5

  Mom and Dad came to visit again today and they brought me a ten page letter from Joel. Mom wanted me to read it right away but I wanted to wait until I was alone. It’s very special to me and I really don’t want to share it with anybody but you. Besides I think I’m a little scared because Dad told Joel the truth about me, at least as much as he knows. So I think I’ll wait until later to open it.

  Dad also said that he finally got Jan to sign an affidavit saying that I wasn’t pushing at the school. Now both she and Dad are trying to get Marcie to retract her statement. Dad says if that happens he’s sure he can get me out of here in no time.

  I’m afraid to hope but I can’t help it, and the idea of hoping in this most hopeless of all places makes me want to cry.

  Later

  Joel’s letter was great. I was really afraid to read it but now I’m happy that I did. He is the most warm, compassionate, forgiving, loving, most understanding person in the world, and I can’t wait for fall when we can be together again. I know I won’t have any more drug problems, but I’m such a boob, such an immature, childish, impractical, improbable wishywashy that I’m really going to have to work to make Joel proud of me. Oh, I wish he were here right now and I wish I were strong like the rest of my family. I wish, I wish, I wish.

  August 8

  Oh, glorious, marvelous, wonderful, incredible, fantastic day! Day with birds and singing and sunshine and flowers! I can’t tell you how happy I am. I’m getting out of here! I’m going HOME! All the papers will be signed today and Dad and Mom will come and get me tomorrow. Oh, lifetime away tomorrow. I feel like screaming with joy but that would probably make them come and lock me up again. Actually I’m not being fair to this place. As awful as it is, it’s better than detention school. Kay said that if she had been sent to DT3 she would have learned every rotten trick in the book. Here, she sticks to the ones she already knows. I guess that’s pretty true with all of us.

  I can’t believe I’m really going home. Somebody up there must be pulling for me. Probably dear old Gramps.

  Later

  I couldn’t sleep, so I woke up and began thinking about Babbie. I really feel guilty that I’m going and she’s staying. Maybe when I’m really strong and the nightmare of my life fades a little, we can come back and get her. But I guess that’s just being childish. Life doesn’t really happen that way, which is too bad. But I can’t think about it anymore.

  August 9

  At last, finally and forever, I’m home. Tim and Alex were so glad to see me that I really felt rotten for having messed up so badly all these months. Then when Happiness came up and licked my face and hands, I thought Mother was going to cry and I was just glad that Gran and Gramps aren’t alive to see what’s happened.

  I guess Dad knew how I felt, because he was so loving and dear. Dear, dear Dad, he always knows. And after we had all talked for a while, he suggested that I go up and get some sleep which was really great because I wanted to be completely alone in my own room with my own lovely curtains and my own wallpaper and my own bed and feel my own house all around me with my beautiful, loving family downstairs. I’m so very, very grateful that they don’t hate me, because in a lot of ways I hate myself.

  August 10

  Dear Diary,

  It’s 2 A.M. and I’ve just had the sweetest feeling I’ve ever had in my life. I tried to pray again. Actually I was just trying to thank God for getting me out of there and bringing me home but then I started to think about Jan and Marcie and for the first time I really wanted God to help them too. I really wanted them to get completely well and not to have to end up in a mental hospital. Oh, please God, I hope they do get well. Please help them and help me too.

  August 12

  Dad has a chance to go back East for two weeks to finish a lecture course, isn’t that marvelous? Of course it isn’t marvelous for Dr. _____ who has had a heart attack, and I really hope he gets better; but anyway, Daddy is going to fill in for him at the last minute, and we’re all going to stay in their gorgeous house and everything, isn’t that great?

  August 14

  They only had one double room left in the motel so Alex and I have one bed and Mom and Daddy have the other and Tim has to sleep on the floor because they don’t even have any more cots left. He doesn’t mind, though — he says it’s like camping out. We’re drawing lots to see who gets to use the bathroom first. I was last, but that’s okay because I wanted to write in you.

  Everything would be absolutely perfect if only Joel were here. He is the only good thing missing in our lives, but I guess that would be a little messy, all sharing the same room and bath and us not even married. It might be even more embarrassing if we were — but I won’t even let myself think about that. There will absolutely be no more sex in my life until after I have taken a man for better or for worse until death do us part, and
then I even think we’ll still be together. I just simply can’t imagine a just God making people who love each other be single after they get to Heaven. Gran and Gramps and Mother and Dad could never possibly be happy unless they were together. I’m sure Gran died because she just couldn’t bear being separated. There wasn’t a single thing wrong with her except that she didn’t want to go on without Gramps.

  I wonder if Mom ever even kissed another man besides Dad. Oh, I’m sure she did, because Dad sometimes teases her about Humphrey, but I know she wasn’t having sex with Humphrey. I don’t think many girls did things like that when Mom and Gran were young. I wish things were still like that. I think it would be much easier to be a virgin, marry someone and then find out what life is all about. I wonder how it will be for me? It might be great because I’m practically a virgin in the sense that I’ve never had sex except when I’ve been stoned and I’m sure without drugs I’ll be scared out of my mind. I just hope I can forget everything that’s happened when I finally get married to someone I love. That’s a nice secure thought, isn’t it? Going to bed with someone you love.

  It’s my turn in the bathroom so I gotta go.

  See ya.

  August 17

  Well, we’re settled. Daddy starts teaching today, and this afternoon we’re going to take a look at the town. It was dark when we drove in, but this neighborhood is incredible, everything is all lush and green and fragrant. I’m so happy we’re here. We’re all exhausted though because yesterday and the night before Mom and Dad took turns driving straight through. Two days and one night of driving put us all a little on edge, and while it was fun and interesting to see parts of the country we’re still glad to be settled. Daddy says we’ll take longer to go home and maybe even go by way of Chicago, and stop to see Joel. Wouldn’t that be wonderful! ! ! I’m afraid to even uncross my fingers to eat or write.

  August 20

  Imagine me at a university tea! And even more startling, imagine me liking it even though it was a little stuffy. I must be growing up.

  See ya.

  August 22

  Well, there will be no more exploring for wonder woman! Apparently I walked into a giant batch of poison ivy yesterday and really did it to myself. There isn’t too much of it around here, but wouldn’t you know who’d find it!

  I’m swollen and red and itching all over, and my eyes are puffed up and almost closed and I really look great. The doctor came and gave me a shot, but he doesn’t sound too encouraging. Yuck!

  August 24

  I didn’t know P.I. was so contagious, but now Alex has gotten it off my clothes or something. She isn’t as bad as I am, but she’s still itchy and uncomfortable. Some people from the university came to find out where I’d run across the clump so they could go out and kill it, but I don’t even know what it looks like.

  August 27

  Hooray! We’re going to New York for the weekend. Mom and Tim and Alex and I are taking the train tomorrow and we won’t be back until Monday. Isn’t that great? All the stores and everything — I can’t wait. My P.I. is down to pink spots, and I’m sure my makeup can cover that. I hope, I hope. We’re taking the 7:15 train tomorrow, and Dad says I can buy a lot of new things for school. Hooray! Hooray!

  August 29

  It’s so hot and stuffy in Manhattan I can’t believe it. We’re fine as long as we stay in the big stores, but when we’re out on the street it’s like walking in a furnace. The heat comes up from the sidewalk in great clouds and I don’t know how the people who live there stand it. Joel says it’s as bad in Chicago, but I find that hard to believe. Anyway, we spent most of the morning shopping at Bloomingdale’s and then went to a movie at Radio City in the afternoon just to get out of the heat.

  Taking the subway was the biggest mistake we ever made. It was so jammed with humanity that we were tangled like sauerkraut in a jar and smelled just as bad. One fat old woman was hanging on a strap beside me and her sleeveless dress exposed the most incredible bird’s nest under her arm. It was the smelliest sight I witnessed in my life. I hope Tim didn’t see it or he’ll probably be turned off women forever.

  Tomorrow we’re going to the Museum of Modern Art and a couple of other places. I don’t think we’ll stay late on Sunday because Mother is as uncomfortable as we are.

  September 2

  We are not going through Chicago after all. They are making staff changes at the university and Dad has got to get back. He offered to go out of his way and make a quick stop in Chicago because he didn’t want to let me down, but I can’t be that immature — besides, I’ll see Joel in just a few weeks, and we’re not engaged or anything. I wish we were!

  September 4

  Driving all day and almost all night is really a drag. Dad looks absolutely bug-eyed, and Alex is squirming all over the place. I really wish I could help with the driving, but Dad says absolutely no driving without a license, which I’m going to get as soon as I can.

  One more billboard and I’m going to lose my mind!

  September 6

  Home at last. Poor Dad has to go over to the university and I know he is absolutely beat. If I’m as tired as I am at my age I don’t know how he even manages to get one foot in front of the other. Mother is dashing around the house chipper as a little bird, but I guess that is because she’s HOME, HOME, HOME. Oh what a beautiful, wonderful, divinely lovely word.

  I’m even beginning to feel pretty good myself. Just a few hours ago none of us thought we could possibly live for even a few more minutes, now we’re all getting our second wind. Alex has dashed off to Tricia’s to pick up Honey and her kittens and Happiness, and Tim is puttering around in his “stink room” as Alex calls it, and I’m doing what I love most, just enjoying myself in my own lovely room with my books and all my personal possessions. I just can’t decide what to do first, go play my lovely piano or stay here and curl up with a lovely book or take a lovely nap.

  I think the nap is going to win.

  September 7

  I met Fawn _____ at the store today and she invited me to come over tonight and go swimming in their pool. Isn’t that lovely? Maybe I can get back in with the straight kids this year and then the dopey dopers wouldn’t dare bother me. Wouldn’t that be perfect? Anyway, Fawn and her sisters all do water ballet and I’m not a very good swimmer but she promised to teach me. I hope I don’t drown or fall on my head in the shallow end of the pool.

  September 10

  I don’t know why I have to be so insecure and frightened. I haven’t even known Fawn very long and yet I’m almost jealous of all her other friends. I think they’re prettier and smarter and that no one really wants me around which is pretty stupid since they keep inviting me over there all the time. I guess I’m just a jerk. I just hope none of them has heard all the rotten stories that went around about me. I really don’t know who Jan and Marcie and all those dopey dopers spoke to, but I hope it wasn’t the whole school. Oh, I hope I’m not going to be hurt again. I wonder if all girls are as timid as I am? If I think a boy might ask me out I’m scared to death he won’t and if he actually does then I’m afraid to go.

  Like last night we were all swimming and a carload of boys drove up and Fawn’s father, who’s really nice, asked them to come in and have some punch. So we all clowned around for a while and then turned the hose on the patio and danced on the wet cement. It was fun and I guess I looked pretty cute because Frank _____ asked me out. Actually he wanted to take me home, but I wanted to stay and help Fawn clean up. But I guess the truth is I just don’t feel myself around boys anymore. Mother says it’s just because I feel frightened and unsure again and I hope she’s right. I do hope she’s right!

  September 11

  Fawn called up the first thing this morning. She wants to have a party next Friday and invite boys. I’m going over this afternoon to help her plan it but I really would rather not get involved. Wally asked her out last night too, and she’s going to the movies with him tonight. I sort of wish she wouldn’t. I d
on’t know why I worry about her, she’s a few months older than I am, but I just think boys are the root of most problems. At least, they’ve been at the root of most of mine, which is probably a big lie. Anyway, this morning I was reading an article on identity and responsibility, and it said that kids who aren’t allowed to make any decisions for themselves never grow up, and kids who have to make all the decisions before they’re ready never grow either. I don’t think I fall into either category but it’s an interesting idea.

  See ya.

  September 16

  Guess what? Mrs. _____, my old piano teacher, called and she wants me to be soloist at her outstanding student recital. She even wants to get the small auditorium at the University and do all the publicity and everything with my picture on the program cover. Of course, she knows about my hands so it wouldn’t be until later on in the fall, but isn’t that exciting! I didn’t know I was that good! I really and truly and honestly didn’t!

  She wants to meet with my parents some night soon and discuss the whole idea, but frankly I’m still flying. I can’t believe it’s true. I mean I practice every day and sometimes I sit down and play just for fun if there isn’t anything else to do, but that’s mostly because I don’t like the tube, especially the stuff Tim and Alex want to watch, and I can’t read forever. I really didn’t realize I was that good. I wonder if the kids will think it’s a stupid thing to do. I certainly don’t want to screw things up with them, particularly now when we’re starting to develop such a great relationship. I think I’ll just wait and talk the whole thing over with Fawn, but I’ll wait until after her party. I know that’s the first thing on her mind right now.