I took a few deep breaths and then bravely got out of my car. I slowly walked up the steps, then inside toward the sanctuary. I stood at the wide doors, staring at my family and friends. They were hovering near the front, whispering. I could imagine their words of pity. My soiled wedding gown dripped water, forming a puddle on the carpet beneath me.
Tasha turned and saw me first. “Zoe!” she called out.
Everyone followed her gaze. There was a moment of stunned silence before they rushed to me, crowding around. My mother located a blanket, placed it around my shivering shoulders, then led me to a pew where I could sit down before my quivering knees gave way.
I could feel some of the peace that I asked God for, in the midst of my friends. I was surrounded by people who loved me, and I was glad I hadn't gone off to Orlando by myself.
“Is she okay?” I heard someone ask.
“I'll be fine,” I answered for myself. “What Devyn did was terrible. But you know what? It's better that he walked out today than after we got married.”
I paused. Heads nodded, while other people mumbled their agreement.
“Sure, things look bad right now,” I continued. “But I know my Lord will provide a way out of this. You see, Jesus and I aren't staying in the dark.”
The muttering of agreement got louder. For a moment, I thought my friends and family were going to cheer.
Feeling momentum, I stood up and repeated what I'd just said. “Jesus and I aren't staying in this darkness. We're just walking through some frightening thunder!”
Chapter 2
My brother brought one of my suitcases to me.
“Let me help you change,” Tasha said, and my mother nodded.
“No, I'm fine. I'll be out in a few minutes.”
I ducked into the rest room and slipped out of my ruined wedding gown into jeans and a sweater. When I looked in the mirror, I couldn't believe what I saw. My face was streaked with mascara, my eyes were swollen from my tears and my hair was a tangled mess. I washed my face, brushed my hair, then went back into the sanctuary, where people were taking down the decorations.
I could feel every eye watching me as I joined them. From all appearances, I was a woman who had overcome her adversity. With my words and actions, I assured everyone that Devyn wasn't going to get me down. I'd be just fine without him, thank you very much. I chatted, told a few jokes and helped to take down the decorations, which were supposed to adorn the happiest day of my life. I behaved as if I had accepted the realization that I wasn't going to be Devyn's wife.
But my outside did not match what was going on inside. My heart was breaking. How could I get over the man I'd loved for four years? True, we didn't have a perfect relationship, but I was ready to take it to the next level. I thought the love we shared was a bond that nothing or anyone could break.
But the realization that this wasn't true hurt deeply. Knowing that Devyn was—at this very moment—with someone else on the day we were supposed to be joined together as one was too much to take.
The overwhelming pain began to consume me. I knew I couldn't fake it any longer, but I had to do something. I didn't want everyone to see me collapse in agony.
Filling my voice with fake enthusiasm, I said, “You guys must be starving! Why don't you go to my mom's house and start on that banquet. Even though there wasn't a wedding, we can't take back the food, so we might as well have a party.”
I only said what they wanted to do anyway. It took a few moments, but everyone finally agreed, and people started walking out to their cars.
As Tasha walked to the back of her car, she asked, “Are you coming with us?”
“You go ahead,” I said as casually as I could. “I'll be there in a sec. I just want to get some more of these decorations into my car.”
Tasha stared at me for a moment, shrugged, then got into her car as I crammed another load of paper wedding bells and streamers into my backseat. I waited until the last car left, then returned to the empty sanctuary.
I climbed the stairs to the balcony and took a seat in the middle of the highest pew. No longer able to keep the pain locked in, I curled into a ball and burst into tears that had been held in too long.
“Why, Lord?” I cried out. “Why doesn't Devyn love me? I really want him, Lord. I really need him. Please work this out. I don't think I can walk through this world without him. God, I will do just about anything to keep that man. Tell me what I need to do. I love him so much!”
I rocked back and forth, my shattered heart weeping loudly to the Lord. “Are You there, Lord? Can You hear me? I'm hurting so bad!”
All of the thoughts I had earlier about just wanting God's peace were gone. The only solution I could see was getting back with Devyn and making our relationship work. Being Devyn Jackson's wife was my heart's desire, and I couldn't see it any other way. I didn't want to.
“Lord, if You love me,” I began, “give me the strength to do what I need to do to make this right.” I looked at the big wooden cross in the pulpit. I knew God heard my words. “Thank you for being here with me, Lord. I know You will make Devyn realize what a terrible mistake he made here today.”
A flash of lightning sparked outside, making me turn my attention to the window. I was surprised to see that the sky had grown dark.
I lay in the same position on the pew until the hard bench began to make my bones ache. Then I went back into the ladies' room. I needed to make myself look presentable if I was going to go to my mother's house. The mirror again revealed what a toll the day's events had taken on me. I had started out as a blushing bride and ended as a horrifying disaster.
“That's okay,” I said to myself as I reapplied my mascara. “I might not look my best, but it's what's in my heart that counts. Devyn's mine, and this is all going to work out. I know he loves me. I just have to make him see it.”
With my last words, the lights went out. The small, win-dowless bathroom was so dark I could no longer see my reflection in the mirror. I blindly stuffed my makeup back into the bag and turned to leave the room when I was startled by a voice.
“Girl, you don't know me.” It was a female who spoke. “I wasn't an invited guest. I just came here 'cause I thought there might be food. But I saw what happened and I gotta tell you somethin'.”
I squinted, trying to see through the darkness. I knew this woman was standing close because I could smell her breath. It reminded me of day-old fish.
“Look,” the voice continued, “don't try to get that man back. You'll just make yourself look stupid if you do.”
“Stupid?” I cried into the blackness. “Excuse me! I don't even know you. Please get out of here.”
“Just trying to help you out,” she said calmly. “But if you don't want to listen to me, maybe you'll listen to her.”
The lights came on. I blinked as I looked at the only person in the bathroom with me. Aisha.
I stared at the girl Devyn had dumped me for, the mother of his child. Though I was in church, unholy thoughts filled my mind. I was ready to knock her out. Even though she was bigger, I figured I could whip her. Though I was petite, my crazy brother had taught me how to stick up for myself. And this Aisha chick definitely deserved a beat-down.
“You better be glad you're pregnant,” I said, my fingers curling into tight fists.
“Glad? What do you mean by that?”
“If you weren't pregnant—”
She cocked her head and placed her hand on her hip. “Yeah, what would you do? Like you frighten me?”
“I should. Don't be fooled by what you see.” I paused and looked her up and down. “Besides, maybe you're not pregnant at all!”
Her heavily painted eyes grew wide. “That's none of your business, Miss Left-at-the-Altar. Get over it.”
She was begging for a beat-down, but I just said, “Well, if getting pregnant is what it takes to have a man marry you, I'd rather be alone. I don't have to trap nobody. And I know one thing. You'd better hold on because I know how
Devyn feels about me. The final chapter of this book ain't been written yet.”
I tried to walk around her to get out of the bathroom, but the stupid girl stepped right in front of me. When she put her hand on my arm, I snatched it with my left hand and raised my right fist to her face. “Don't try it, girl. If you touch me again, pregnant or not, I'll be all over you. And if you ever touch my man again—”
“He don't want you, remember?” Aisha said, yanking her hand out of my grasp. “He left you on your big day. Apparently you haven't been takin' care of your man, 'cause if you did, he wouldn't have been layin' up with me.”
My fist dropped as if it were suddenly weighted down with lead. Aisha had a point. But there was no way she'd hear that from me.
“He's been playin' you for months.” Aisha continued to spew her venom. “He wants to be with me. Shoot, when given a choice, any man would rather have steak than chicken. Devyn always did like a nice, big, juicy sirloin. Not a tiny portion half baked—”
I cut her off. “You're talking crazy.”
“Oh, am I? You're the one whose trippin” cause Devyn don't want you no more.”
“But he does want me,” I screamed. “The only reason he chose you is because you told him you're carrying his child.” The words caught in my throat, nearly choking me.
“That don't mean nothin'. A lot of Dev's friends got babies by girls they ain't married to. He could have married you and left me alone. But he didn't. So don't blame me 'cause he dumped you. You need to check yourself and see why he's all up on me instead of you.”
“Whatever,” I said, pushing past her and shoving the bathroom door open. I let it slam in her face as if that would make her vanish from my life. I knew what she was saying was foolish. “I can't let it get to me,” I said, keeping myself pumped up.
I had to find my man.
I rushed to my car, this time knowing where I was headed. If Devyn wasn't with Aisha, then he was probably at home. I drove to the apartment that Devyn and Chase had shared for years.
Though Devyn held a job in Tampa, which he'd had for over a year, he still kept his place with Chase. When he came to Miami on the weekends, he had somewhere to stay. I told him he was wasting money, but he said the place wasn't that much. And he didn't want to leave his boy hanging.
Devyn and I were supposed to be moving to Tampa, where he'd landed a $40,000-a-year job. Chase was planning on leaving too, although he wasn't sure where he was going. Chase had been out of college for two years. Though he was a red-shirt freshman, he still hadn't completed his degree. He wanted to play in the NFL. Unfortunately, no pro team had picked him up. However, he was determined to keep trying. He'd applied to every training camp he could find to walk on as a free agent. Whatever that meant.
When I pulled into their apartment complex, I didn't waste a moment. I ran to their door and knocked, confident that Devyn would want to hear what I had to say. I knew my love could change his heart.
Devyn opened the door and glared at me. “What are you doing here?”
“I got some things I know you wanna hear.”
“Oh, so now you want to talk? Forget it. You had your chance!” He tried to slam the door in my face, but I caught it before it closed, and stepped inside.
“Don't push me away, Devyn,” I begged.
“Get out of my face,” he slurred. He'd been drinking again.
“Devyn, I know you still love me. Look me in my eyes and tell me you don't want me anymore.” He stared at me for a moment, then turned away. “See?” I exclaimed as if I'd just won a prize. “You can't do it. As long as you love me, Devyn, we can make this right. I forgive you for being with that girl. I love you so much that I'll love your baby even if it isn't mine. We can make it through this.”
Devyn turned around. But instead of the look of love and gratitude I'd anticipated, his eyes held disgust and contempt. “The last thing I want,” he said, “is a begging woman. Do I have to come out and say it? I don't love you, Zoe. Did you hear me, girl? You ain't the one I want. You don't mean nothin' to me. I found somebody else I wanna be with, and it ain't you!”
I didn't know if he was saying those things to hurt me more, or if that was how he truly felt. But his words didn't seem right. We had too much history together. Surely he cared more than what he was showing me here.
Without thought, I pulled him into my arms, locked my hands around his ears and kissed him hard. I needed him to feel the passion that was inside me. He had to feel it, if not through my words, then through my actions.
“Dang it, girl, get off me!” Devyn yanked my arms away, then gave me a backhand slap that threw me across the room. “Man, I wish you would just go away. You are totally getting on my nerves. I can't stand this constant clinging! Don't you know that's why I was dating other girls all the time we were together?”
I stood frozen, too stunned to move. “I don't believe you, Devyn. I know you love me, and I know that I can fix this.” I tried to hold back my tears. “Anyway, if I can't have you, I don't even want to live.”
“So what're you gonna do? Kill yourself?” His eyes held mine. “Well, that's fine by me. Just get out of my life!”
Maybe he didn't believe me, but in that moment, I knew I didn't want to go on without him. He was everything to me, and the thought of staying in this life without him by my side was unbearable.
Wordlessly, I turned and headed for Devyn's bedroom. I opened the closet door. I knew he kept a gun stashed in a shoe box on the top shelf. I often told Devyn that I didn't like having the gun in the house. And though I often got on his case about it, he never budged. He said he wanted to make sure he could protect us in an emergency.
My hands searched the top shelf, but the shoe box was gone.
“Is this what you're looking for?” Devyn asked. I turned toward him. He was in the doorway, pulling the pistol from his duffel bag. “Here. Use it if you want.” He held it out to me. “Go ahead and kill yourself. My life will go on.”
I stared at the gun. In an instant, I imagined placing the barrel to my head and pulling the trigger. I could end my hopeless life.
I slowly walked toward him, keeping my eyes on the gun as if I were mesmerized. While I stared at the gun, I could feel Devyn's eyes on me, daring me to do this.
A car horn tooted outside and I stopped. My gaze moved from the gun to Devyn. With a smirk on his face, he tossed the gun onto his bed. He zipped his duffel bag and pulled the strap over his shoulder. “I'm outta here,” he said. “Do whatever you want.” He dashed out the door.
As I listened to his footsteps fade down the hallway, tears of despair fell from my eyes. The pain was so unbearable; my heart was being torn into tiny pieces.
I dropped to my knees beside the bed. There, right at eye level, sat the gun. I picked it up and stared at it, fondling the cold metal in my hands. My tears fell onto the trigger, and with a final sob, I placed the gun against my left temple.
I pulled the hammer back and whispered, “Lord, this may be wrong, but my life just ain't right.” I paused, trying to get the words out through my tears. “I don't want to go on. I can't see my way. It's too dark.”
Chapter 3
I closed my eyes. Still holding the gun to my head, I wondered what to do next. I had pulled back the hammer, but I didn't really know how to shoot it. Surely it had to be simple. Just pull the trigger, right?
I pressed my eyelids tighter; my finger trembled against the trigger. A second later, the gun was yanked from my hands. Without opening my eyes, I collapsed onto the floor and wept.
I heard the footsteps leave the room. Still, I remained withering in pain, even when I heard the footsteps return. My rescuer knelt beside me, pulled me into his arms and enveloped me in a strong embrace.
It wasn't until I heard his soft words filtering into my ear that I knew who my angel was.
“It might seem dim right now, but I'm gonna help you through this. Regardless of how you feel, you're too precious to leave this world.”
“Thank you, Chase.” I sobbed. “Thank you for saving my life.” My body shivered. Never before had I felt so fragile, so emotionally shattered.
“It's okay,” Chase said as he held me tight. “Go ahead and cry. Let Jesus hear your cry. Let Him make it better.”
“What can Jesus do for me?” I gasped, feeling as if none of my prayers had been answered.
“God can fix anything. No wound is too deep for Him to mend. No scar too ugly that He can't make it beautiful. Trust me.” He lifted my face with the tips of his fingers and made me look at him. “God loves you. I know you don't see anything good in yourself right now, Zoe, but in God's eyes, you're a perfect jewel. Trust Him with your life.”
Chase's warm words released a further flow of tears. But even as the waves of sorrow washed over me, I realized that God had sent this angel my way to get me through this night.
It hurt that I wasn't rescued by the man I thought would be my mate for life. That guy told me he couldn't care less what I did. But in my despair, God still sent someone, and He let me see that He was still in control.
I started wiping away the tears. “You're right. I know God does care about me. He sent you. Thank you, Chase.”
“You don't have to thank me.” Chase planted a gentle kiss on my forehead. “I wanted to be here.”
I woke up the next morning with my head nestled on Chase's chest. We were lying on the couch. He had stayed up, baby-sitting me all night long. I was glad Chase was there because I didn't know if I could have faced the day alone.
I stretched, lifting my arms in the air.
“Good morning, beautiful,” Chase said as he smiled down at me. He still held me as if he didn't plan to let me go.
“I'm sure I don't look beautiful right now,” I said, trying to untangle my hair with my fingers.
“You're always beautiful in my eyes. Why should today be any different?”
His words didn't surprise me. He was always saying things to make me feel better—always cleaning up after Devyn.
A Lova' Like No Otha' Page 3
