It was what we needed. We scurried to the buffet table, where we chatted about calories and diets and other insignificant subjects. Even as we ate the finger sandwiches and vegetable quiche, we kept away from what we'd been discussing. I was relieved. I didn't want to be the center of attention. Especially not this kind of attention.
I was the first one to prepare to leave and Amy walked me to the door.
“I'm praying for you, Zoe,” she said simply.
There was so much in her words. I knew she didn't agree with my living arrangements, but I didn't hear any judgment in her voice.
“Thank you,” I said, and squeezed her hand.
“I hope you'll come back.”
I nodded but didn't commit. I wasn't sure if I wanted to put myself in this situation again.
As I drove home, though, I realized I was really looking forward to the next session with Amy. I sincerely desired to do what God wanted me to do in my relationship with Chase. But I knew I wasn't winning the battle. Maybe just listening and talking with Amy would help me get to where I truly wanted to go.
I sat in the living room, watching Chase run up and down the football field on the TV screen. As usual, he was awesome.
Chase truly was the Storm. He carried the team from a motivational standpoint, and his offense made the defense rise. The other offensive players scored more as well—no one wanted to be outshone that much. Every time Chase played, it was obvious that God had anointed him.
When the final whistle blew, one of the network announcers ran onto the field, pulling Chase to the side.
“Well, Chase, here we are again,” the announcer said. “Once again, you've been named ‘player of the game.’ Congratulations on having another top-notch game.”
“Thank you, but as always, I give all honor and glory to God.”
I shook my head as I watched. It was amazing—the platform that professional sports had afforded him. Here he was, on network television, with millions of people watching him, announcing that his talent came from the Lord. God was blessing him.
As he continued to talk, nodding and waving his hands in the air as he spoke, I started feeling a heavy dose of desire. I longed for him to be home. He wouldn't arrive until much later that evening, but the thought of being with him would keep me awake well into the night.
I wanted to give him something special to congratulate him for making MVP. After his first victory, I'd bought him a tie. This time, I thought he deserved something much more special. I imagined myself sitting in the living room chair, wearing the tie I had bought him. And nothing else. Am I bad to think these thoughts? Isn't it natural to want him? I kept asking myself.
For the rest of the evening, I tried to think of what I could do for Chase. Something special. After all, we'd been together for a while now. Maybe it was time to take our relationship to the next level. I thought about what Fawn and Amy had said, but they didn't understand. They were married. It was different being single in today's times.
Later that night, I heard a racket outside. Peering out the window, I saw it was hailing. It looked like another blizzard was on the way. I prayed that it would not delay Chase's arrival home. I had already made up my mind. I knew what I was going to do for him.
It was after one o'clock in the morning when Chase walked through the door. I sat in the living room, but I had all the lights turned off.
As he reached for the switch, I said, “Leave the lights off.”
I could see him trying to peer through the dark, trying to find me. I walked right up to him and took his suitcase from his hand.
“You played an awesome game today,” I whispered. “I missed you.” I dropped his bag onto the floor, then grabbed Chase's cold hands and placed them firmly on my warm breasts.
It didn't take longer than a moment for Chase to shove me away and flip on the lights. He stared at my naked body, then pushed me aside.
“You know, all through the return flight,” he ranted as he stomped down the hall, “I couldn't wait to get home so I could tell you about my game and tell you how much I missed you. But all you've been thinking about is sex. We talked about this, Zoe!”
He returned to the living room with a bath towel and tossed it to me. I wrapped it around my trembling body.
“Zoe, you're gonna have to get out of here. If you don't, you're just gonna make me mess up. You've got to leave, tonight.”
“Chase, please, let me explain.” I started to cry. “I just wanted—”
“No. I'm tired of hearing the excuses. We've been through this over and over again. You know where I stand, and I thought you were standing with me. Are you trying to make me fall?”
I stood, shivering in the towel, staring at this angry, beautiful man. “Chase, I—”
“If you won't go, then I will.” He picked up his bag and walked out the door without another word.
I stared at the open door. Tears streamed down my cheeks. I had made a big mistake, and I didn't think there would ever be a way to resolve this. The blow of our relationship's being over hit as hard as the outside hail.
Chapter 10
It'll be okay, Zoe,” Shay said, stroking my arm in an effort to comfort me. “Please don't cry like this.”
“You don't understand,” I declared, sobbing into my pillow. “It's not okay. It's over. I kept pushing and pushing. Now I've pushed Chase away completely.”
“But do you have to go back to Miami?” she asked, looking at the suitcases that I had pulled from the closet. “Don't you think you should talk to Chase about this first?”
I sat up on the bed. “He hasn't called me all week. He doesn't want to talk to me.”
“But it's only been a week. Maybe he just needs more time.”
I shook my head. “I know Chase. It's over.” I sighed. “I came to Seattle to get away from my depressing life in Miami, and now I'm more depressed than ever.”
“Maybe you should stop running,” Shay suggested softly. “If you go back to Miami with things the way they are between you and Chase, you'll just be running away again.”
“Or maybe I need to stand up for myself and get my own life,” I said, trying to be strong. “If I have to depend on anyone, it should be my family.” I looked at the telephone. “My mom has been calling and leaving messages, but I've been ignoring them. I need to go home and find out what's up with her. Who knows? Maybe we can finally straighten things out between us.”
I pushed myself from the bed and walked to the closet. For the first time, I began giving serious thought to why my mom had been calling and leaving such insistent messages. She'd never bugged me this much.
As thoughts wandered through my mind, I began to worry about my family. Hopefully, my brother hadn't gotten into any trouble. I shook my head. No, Alonzo was probably fine or he would have called me. Most likely, Mom just couldn't handle me being all the way across the country, so far from her reach.
I turned back to Shay. “So, how's Chase doing?” I asked as casually as I could, though I knew I wasn't fooling Shay.
“He's fine,” Shay said. “Well, not really fine. After practice every day, he goes straight to Byron's place; then he just eats, watches football videos and goes to sleep.”
“It's good that he can forget about me and fall asleep so easily,” I said bitterly, yanking blouses off the hangers in my closet. I hadn't been able to eat or sleep all week.
“Zoe, don't talk like that. You've got to snap out of this. It isn't good for a person to be down for so long.”
“What's the big deal?” I pulled open the top dresser drawer and scooped up all of my underwear, tossing it into the bag. “Why shouldn't I stay depressed for as long as I feel like it?”
Shay sat on my bed, watching me with sad eyes. “Well, if nothing else, it's bound to affect your job. Look at you. Thinking about going back to Miami, when you have such a wonderful position here.”
I stopped moving and glared at her. “Oh, didn't I tell you? Blanche called yesterday. She doe
sn't need me anymore. She said that the jobs that are coming up are small, so she doesn't require an assistant and couldn't afford one anyway.”
“Surely that's just temporary,” Shay said.
I resumed my packing, clearing out all the drawers in the dresser. “She has something coming up in a few months, but it's not a guarantee.”
“How can she do that to you?” Shay asked.
I chuckled, though I wasn't happy. “Blanche said that I would be fine because my boyfriend is Chase Farr!”
“She doesn't know you guys broke up, huh?”
“I didn't see the need to blab it to the whole world,” I said, trying to zip the suitcase.
“Well, I'm glad you told me,” Shay said. “I really do care about you.”
I looked into Shay's brown eyes. “I know,” I said softly. “Thanks.” Then, not wanting to get distracted by any more sad emotions, I grabbed the second suitcase and started walking through the apartment, grabbing incidentals that belonged to me.
Shay followed me. “Zoe, I don't want you to move away. What about my engagement party? You promised to help me.”
“Sorry,” I mumbled, stopping at the table and lifting a picture frame. I held up the five-by-seven photo frame with the image of Chase and me at the park. This was taken when we first arrived in Seattle.
“I have an idea,” Shay said as I stared at the photo. “I know you were going to volunteer your services, but Byron would pay you to put our party together. Then you wouldn't have to go…at least not right away.”
I shook my head and placed the picture back on the table. “Thanks, Shay, but no thanks. Putting one party together, even if I charged Byron full price, wouldn't be enough to cover two months' rent on an apartment of my own.”
“Oh, come on,” Shay protested. “At least that would be a start, and who knows what would happen with Blanche by then. We had a party for family a while ago. He just wants another for his friends. Something to do. Help me!”
Over Shay's continued pleas, I walked through the apartment for the final time, making sure I wouldn't be leaving anything behind. I didn't want to have to come back here for anything.
Finally, I turned to Shay and there were tears in our eyes. “I'm sorry, girl, but it really is over for me.”
Shay nodded, accepting, but not agreeing with my words. “Listen, I want to say this to you because I've grown to love ya. I know you want Chase, but, girl—want God. If you want a lova'…What do you think has kept me? Try Him.”
I couldn't be mad. But I surely didn't want to hear it. However, I put aside my initial hesitance and took in what my friend said. Could the philosophy that worked for her work for me? Who knew.
Not pushing, Shay changed subjects and asked, “Do you still want me to take you to the airport?”
This time, I nodded, because I knew that if I said anything, my tears would flow.
I turned back to the bedroom to get my suitcases. It was time to leave.
I closed my eyes tightly as the airplane jerked again, flying through the turbulence. It had been a rocky trip. I opened one eye slightly and peeked through the plane's window. The lightning outside frightened me. I wondered if we should be flying in such a mad storm.
Lord, I prayed silently as I gripped the side of the seat, I don't like being on this plane right now. But then, I know You don't like what I've been doing with my life lately. I realize that I deserve all the rotten things that have happened to me. I've been so selfish. All I had to do was stop being so pigheaded and listen to what Fawn was telling me. But I ignored her, and I ended up pushing Chase away. I couldn't see it then, but I see it now. Unfortunately, it's too late.
The plane dipped again. I pulled my seat belt tighter. Maybe this is it for me, I thought as I squeezed my eyelids together again. Maybe this is how my life is supposed to end. When I finally realize my mistakes, I die in a plane crash.
I shook my head, thinking how sad that would be. What would be worse was that Chase probably wouldn't even miss me. I forced myself to stop thinking such morbid thoughts.
Lord, I said inside, continuing my prayer, my heart is so heavy right now. I'm going home, but to what? I know something is up with my mother. And I don't know what's going on with Devyn or Aisha. I don't know if they've gotten over their drama. I just didn't know what to expect from this trip back across the country.
Tears streamed down my face, though I wasn't sure if they were from my thoughts or from the way the plane continued to dip.
When the plane dropped and rocked again, I grabbed the hand of the young woman next to me as if she were my best friend. She started reciting the Lord's Prayer and I joined in with her.
Boom!
We both jumped, our eyes wide at the loud sound.
“That was the engine!” one of the passengers near the front of the plane screamed. The violent shaking of the plane increased, tossing cups and peanut wrappers everywhere.
I was certain I was going to die. This was the end and it made me look back over my life. I had let the Lord down in so many ways. I needed to repent.
I had so much to repent for. I remembered when I was twelve, when my mom's older brother, Sammy, showed me centerfold pictures in a girlie magazine and then asked me to pose for him. Though I never did it, I often thought about it. I posed alone several times in front of my bedroom mirror, imagining what it would be like to be one of those gorgeous models.
I remembered losing my virginity at fourteen to one of my brother's friends, who was a senior in high school. Not wanting him to think I was a kid, I did it willingly, easily, even though I hated every minute.
Then I thought about my times at college, and about when I fell head over heels for Devyn. We were intimate at least four times a week, and I was always running to the doctor for a pregnancy test.
After graduating from college, I should have been smarter. But I still messed up a wonderful relationship with Chase because I couldn't control my desire for sex.
Looking back, I knew why my life was so messed up. I had never really given everything to Christ. I'd become a Christian years ago, and I knew I had grace. But I never exercised that grace for myself. I didn't do what God does, and forget my sins. I kept carrying my past transgressions with me. It was no wonder that I always felt so burdened.
I didn't want to spend the last moments of my life focusing on my pain. I wanted to spend the time letting God know that I was sorry for my sins. Not a few, but all of them. I desperately wanted to become a person after God's own heart, even if only for a few seconds.
The oxygen masks sprang down from above. Following the attendant's instructions, we placed our masks over our noses. I was shaking uncontrollably. I tried to breathe deeply, to calm my trembling.
The aircraft tilted dramatically to the left, and one of the doors on the overhead bin flew open.
I screamed.
Several bags came sliding out, one punching a man in the eye. A flight attendant wobbled down the aisle to see if the passenger was all right.
Screams now filled the cabin.
The intercom came to life as a stewardess at the front clicked it on.
“The captain has just informed us that we are going to make an emergency landing. We need to have everyone brace in the crash position.”
I followed the instructions as she asked us to lean forward and place our heads between our knees. It was hard to do between my tears and trembling.
But I held my ankles, as instructed. All concern I had for my past was dissolved. I had given everything to God and was looking forward to what I imagined heaven to be. I was ready to release my life to Him. So I prayed for peace, for myself and for those around me, especially the pilots.
“Lord,” the blond girl next to me named LeAnn Terry cried, “what did I do to deserve this?”
I peeked over at her. “It's okay,” I assured her. “I don't think you, or anyone else here, did anything bad. You know, maybe God just needs us to go home.”
“But
I'm not ready,” LeAnn screamed.
I closed my eyes. “Lord, help this girl,” I prayed over the screams and cries that filled the cabin. “I don't know what she's going through. But help her find her peace. Lord, give us all peace.”
As the plane made its descent, I squeezed my eyes tighter.
“I'm ready, Lord,” I whispered.
A moment later, the plane touched the ground. Even though I was supposed to stay down, I lifted my head and peeked through the window. I could almost see the wind, whipping around the airplane as the pilot glided us to a complete halt.
We stopped, and for several moments, only silence filled our space.
Then the girl cried out, “Thank you, Lord. Thank you!”
Everyone in the plane cheered and clapped.
“Well, folks,” the captain said over the intercom. “We are in Dallas. I know this isn't where you expected to be, but we wanted to get us all somewhere safely.”
We stood and rushed toward the emergency exit doors, where the flight attendants and several Good Samaritan passengers helped us down the inflatable emergency slides. When I was settled safely onto the tarmac, I wanted to get on my knees, kiss the ground and thank God. But I stood next to the girl who had been sitting next to me and surveyed the damaged plane. Smoke and fire billowed from one of the engines, making it difficult to see much of anything in the dark.
“I cannot believe we got out of there,” the girl cried.
I put my arms around her. “I know. We're blessed.”
Many of the passengers were crying—men and women alike. But I didn't have any tears. I guess I was cried out.
I helped my new friend into one of the emergency vehicles that was taking passengers to the terminals.
“Thank you,” she said to me.
“For what?”
“For reminding me through all of this that God was with us. I wouldn't have made it without you,” she said. “You are definitely one of God's angels.”
I smiled. No one had ever said anything like that to me before. And if she only knew why I was even on that plane, she would have known that being called one of God's angels was the biggest compliment anyone could have ever given me.
A Lova' Like No Otha' Page 12
