by CR Robertson
“So is sex better with a stranger?” She sat down on the chair beside the treatment table.
I contemplated her question for a few seconds. “It’s different. My last few relationships were with selfish pricks, so it was liberating to have sex just for my own enjoyment. Not every man there has skills to brag about, but some of them leave you breathless with an ache between your legs that makes you want to squirm.”
Her eyes became saucers, and she gave a quick glance to the door. “Did you have an orgasm? My boyfriend only does missionary and when he’s done, he rolls off and falls asleep.”
That seemed the curse of being female. The males orgasmed every time, while we were left unfulfilled with our legs akimbo and knickers around our ankles. If females needed to orgasm to reproduce, the human race would be on the brink of extinction.
“Yeah.” I sat up and discreetly covered myself with the paper sheet. “For the first time in my life, I actually discovered the truth of what I’d only read before. There were times I really thought it was made up, but it’s true. The pressure, the body shakes, the pleasure radiating out to leave you weak and languid.”
“Holy fuck, I knew I was missing out!” She chewed the inside of her lip, her gaze darting to the door again, knowing that asking clients these sorts of questions were inappropriate. “How did you feel afterwards? You know, having sex with a stranger…”
Drawing my knees to my chest, I wrapped my arms around them. “I expected to feel dirty or used, but I found it strangely liberating. Normally, when men see you in a bar with your friends, you know they’re evaluating you and deciding which one they’re going to approach. I’m normally down the list a bit. In the darkness, everyone’s equal and you feel attractive and desirable.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever felt like that,” the beautician whispered. “My boyfriend says I’m lucky to have him and that no other man would want me.”
That infuriated me because she was an attractive woman with a warm personality. He was stealing her power from her and making her a prisoner in the world he created. I took a deep breath. “My ex-partner used to tell me that. He did it so I wouldn’t look for someone better than him, someone who was worth my love and devotion. It’s emotional abuse.”
Silence surrounded me and I was terrified that she was going to shout at me. Except, when I turned around, tears silently poured down her cheeks. She gave me a shaky smile. “Maybe I’ll get myself a mystery man in the dark to rock my world.”
She was back into her professional persona, so I didn’t say anything more. Sometimes you just needed someone to vocalise what you suspected. All I could hope was that she’d see what the man behind the mask was really like and claim her power back. It took me a long time to find the courage to claim mine.
The rest of my visit passed in silence, Megan waiting for me in the reception area.
“Ready for dinner?” Megan asked, waving at the beauticians as we left.
“I’m starving,” I groaned. “I’m having vegetable spring rolls and Pad Thai”.
Megan laughed, linking her arm through mine. “You always have that.”
“That’s because it’s good!”
The cocktails flowed as we laughed and enjoyed our meal, catching up on stories from work.
“You’re going to have to stop embarrassing Al, he’ll have an aneurysm if he hears any more sex talk.” I pointed at Megan with a prawn cracker.
She rolled her eyes. “He loves it, I think that’s why he’s always lurking around.”
“I was thinking of going to The Midnight Rooms tomorrow night,” I casually slid into the conversation.
Megan stopped chewing to stare at me. “On a weeknight? You’re normally complaining that you don’t like going out when you have to work.” Her eyes narrowed as she studied me. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing.” My voice rose an octave and I stared at the prawn cracker my fingers were shredding.
“Cassie!” Her demand made my eyes cut to hers. “Please tell me you’re not starting relationships in The Midnight Rooms. That goes against the ethos of it.”
“You hooked up with that guy you knew,” I accused.
Megan sucked her bottom lip in for several seconds. “He was my Dom up in The Twilight Rooms for a while. We didn’t specifically go there to meet that night, just bumped into each other.”
“I’m not starting a relationship, Meg. The guy I met the first night was there the last time I visited as well, and he had mentioned he was away on business and back on Tuesday.” I shrugged. “You can’t blame a girl for appreciating orgasms.”
Megan snorted, taking a sip of her cocktail. “Just as long as you don’t go losing your heart to a stranger. You tend to take on fix-me-up relationship projects.”
I laughed off her comment, but my stomach flipped because I knew I shouldn’t be looking forward to meeting up with Zee. None of the other men in the darkness made it easy for me to talk, yet he’d found the real me and listened to her.
To prevent Megan prying any further, I agreed to go to the cocktail bar she loved with her. She went to order our drinks while I found somewhere to sit. Megan liked seats in the open where she could be seen, but I preferred corners where I could people-watch in private. I took the seat closest to the wall to allow her to sit and survey the room.
Our drinks arrived not long after Megan, the waiter placing the pink beverages on the table. I’d already had a few drinks with dinner, so this one would have to stretch, as I had work in the morning. People drifted into the bar in small groups, some as couples, others as friends out for the night. Two men arrived and stood with bottles of beer at the bar, their gaze scanning the tables and finally landing on Megan. She never failed to grab the attention of a heterosexual male in a room.
They were tall and both muscular, and it was an assumption I hated to make about anyone, but they looked like criminals. They surveyed the room with a professionalism that said they were cataloguing every person present. It made my skin crawl and I sat back further in my chair.
I knew I saw ghosts everywhere, but I’d learnt to be careful and ensured that only a few people knew anything about me. Megan was the only one who knew my real name since it was changed when I went into the foster system. I diverted my attention to watching the door as one of the guys pushed away from the bar and wandered in our direction. Silence descended on the table when he arrived. I finally turned around to see what was wrong to find him staring at me. My cheeks heated in response.
This was wrong. Men never came to talk to me.
“Can I buy you a drink?” He gave me his best pick-up smile to accompany his question.
A lump formed in my throat as I blinked. “I still have a drink, thanks.” My fingertip touched the rim of my glass and his gaze followed my gesture.
A slow, seductive smile curved his full lips. “We could just talk.”
Talk.
His voice was the wrong tone, his suggestion making my stomach curdle. I knew he wanted sex, and he was attractive with a winning smile pinned on his face. What was wrong with me? I’d let strangers have sex with me without this strange emotion rattling about inside me.
Something about his demeanour sent an uneasy sensation rippling through me.
“Thanks. Maybe some other time,” I rebuffed him with a half-smile.
His face hardened. “When would that be?”
Never.
He handed me a napkin. “Write your number down and I’ll give you a call.”
My eyes locked with his. The devil on one shoulder screamed for me to throw caution to the wind and write my number down, but the angel on my other shoulder said I’d made a promise.
Megan grabbed the napkin and scribbled on it before handing it back to him with a grin.
“If I dial this, is her phone going to ring?”
“You’ll have to try it and see.” Megan winked and took a sip of her drink.
A cocky grin appeared, the type that made my skin crawl becau
se he assumed he’d be sleeping in my bed tonight. He raised his bottle in my direction before sauntering back to the bar. Two minutes later a message pinged on my phone. When I lifted it from my bag, the grin on his face told me it was from him.
I glared at Megan, who shrugged.
“You can’t spend all your time in the dark,” she admonished.
“You were the one who insisted I join your club,” I hissed, outrage starting to curl deep in my stomach.
“To break your dry spell—and it worked. Your new confidence in your sexuality is attracting bees to your honey pot.”
My eyebrows shot up at her words. I’d picked out some new clothes, but I never thought that anyone would detect any difference in me. I’d had sex with several men in The Midnight Rooms, but the one who changed how I viewed myself was Zee. When he called me beautiful, I believed him.
How many women did he say that to?
My thumb slid across the screen of my phone to open it.
“CALL ME” appeared on the screen with a winking face emoji beside it.
I closed my phone. “I’m going home,” I said, grabbing my coat and bag, not waiting for Megan. There was no explanation for why everything that had happened felt wrong, but it did.
“Wait up!” Megan called, stumbling out the door behind me.
This was the point that I normally would have stopped and waited for her, told her that her reckless actions were fine, even as I seethed inside. Tonight was not that night. She’d overstepped a line that had never existed before.
“Cassie!”
My feet didn’t slow down as I made my way toward the station to catch my tube home.
Are we both abstaining, or just me? My question from last week taunted me, tears springing to my eyes.
“Cas.” Megan grabbed my arm.
I swung around to face her. Her eyes widened when she looked at me. “Don’t you dare ever give my number out again.” Her mouth dropped open. “That guy could be a psychopath, and you just handed him my number without a second thought. Fuck!” I shouted, glaring up at the moon.
“I didn’t think…”
“No, you never do, Megan.” I finally met her troubled gaze. “You convinced me to go to The Midnight Rooms and I went, even though I was terrified. I don’t want a relationship with a guy I met in a bar. He probably has a wife and two kids. I just want something uncomplicated that makes me feel good.”
“I’m sorry,” she muttered, her bottom lip wobbling.
“Goodnight, Megan. I’m going home.” Without waiting for a reply, I took the steps down to the tube station. Megan lived not far from here, which was why she always picked that Thai restaurant and cocktail bar. I had to commute to get home.
What was wrong with me?
Tonight, I found inadequacies everywhere in my life.
I slammed my door when I got home and flung my bag on the sofa.
“Fuck!” The word echoed around me, tormenting me.
That was the first time a man had chosen me over Megan, yet the thought of letting him touch me turned my stomach. His cocky attitude, as if he deserved my number, clawed at my stomach in irritation.
The memory of the way Zee held me, his chuckle washing over me in the darkness replayed in my mind. My eyes fluttered closed and I imagined him here with me. He never pushed me beyond my boundaries, coaxing and caressing. No one would ever understand the gift he gave me when he listened to me without judgement. I’d shared deeply hidden aspects of myself that no one had even been exposed to, not even Megan. There was no explanation why he made me feel safe, only that he did.
That guy in the bar made every instinct in me want to run in the opposite direction.
I slumped into my favourite chair, the cushions on it engulfing me in a welcoming embrace. My life was beyond screwed up and I didn’t know how to fix it.
It was hard to explain, but I felt the same emotions tonight as the night I met Carl. I hadn’t liked him, and the way he undressed me with his eyes made my stomach churn, but I wanted to be normal… He took and never gave anything in return. He made me feel less than I was, that I wasn’t worthy of his time and attention. Every time we had sex, I’d been left feeling worthless and unfulfilled. Now that I’d experienced sex with a partner who gave, I realised that Carl had been a selfish lover, bordering on abusive.
Holding a pillow over my face, I screamed into it, releasing all the pent-up negativity that dwelt in my soul.
A man I’d only met twice showed me I deserved more. He made me look at myself in the mirror and start to see what had never been there before—someone desirable who was entitled to respect. Our moments together had contained more truth in them than all the relationships I’d had to date.
“Fuck!” I buried my head deeper into the pillow.
What the hell was I going to do, considering I’d chosen a man who I only ever met in a world of darkness over something that could potentially develop in the light?
I got up and went to my door, sliding the extra lock into place. I was a safety freak who couldn’t sleep unless I’d double checked the door. Then I turned my phone off because I’d heard that people could track you through your number.
Sitting cross-legged on the bed, the box Mum left me open in front of me, I picked up the letter she’d left inside with instructions for me and Kimberley if anything happened to her or Dad. Her words suggested that she knew they wouldn’t be there to raise us. A shiver rippled down my back as I stared at my bedroom door.
Megan giving out my phone number had unsettled me, and the fear that I thought I’d dealt with formed a knot in my chest. My counsellors said fear was a normal response. They suggested that I’d created a conspiracy in my head to explain the death of my family. For a while I believed them until the fear reappeared.
The image of Zee holding me made my body relax. He was the first person who genuinely made me feel safe for the first time in years.
My life was officially adrift in a sea of confusion and mayhem, the life raft had a slow puncture, and my paddle had been snatched by sharks. In the middle of everything, my pussy had started making decisions for me based on what made her purr and I was beginning to think that she was a diva who liked to get the cream.
***
Chapter Fourteen
Cassandra
Tuesday.
I stared at the computer screen in front of me, my appointments calendar mocking me with the day of the week printed in bold letters. Last night, I’d tossed and turned until sleep finally found me. Zee visited me in my dreams, making my body writhe in ecstasy. When I woke up, my body was covered in a layer of perspiration, I was damp between my legs, and there was an unsatisfied pulse deep in my core.
Bob, my battery-operated boyfriend, used to satisfy that ache. He didn’t have the same appeal he used to have, as I craved flesh instead of plastic between my legs.
My phone still lay in the bottom of my bag, turned off. Checking it on the train this morning, bar guy had texted me again not long after I got home, followed by another this morning. I turned it off when the dick pic arrived to pollute my phone.
“Knock, knock.” Megan stood in my open doorway.
It was childish and petty, but I refused to look up. She would be all solemn faced and begging forgiveness, but given the same opportunity again, she’d hand my number out to another complete stranger. She needed to read the crime statistics.
“Cassie, you have to forgive me, I didn’t think last night.” She slid into the chair on the other side of my desk and leaned down to try and catch my eye.
I started to reply to an email from one of my clients about the closing date for her house sale. My fingers clattered over the keyboard to prevent them from finding Megan’s throat and throttling her.
“Cassie…”
Finally, I glanced up. Every time I thought of her giving my number without consultation or permission, righteous indignation bubbled inside me. “I don’t want to discuss this, I’m busy.”
&nbs
p; She blinked, then gave me her huge puppy dog eyes that begged for forgiveness.
“Stop,” I snapped. “Last night you violated my privacy. I had to turn my phone off because he texted again. Then he sent a picture of his erect penis this morning. Do you know what people can do nowadays with just your mobile number?” I demanded.
Megan stared at me blankly. “I didn’t—”
“Think,” I interrupted. “That’s not an excuse anymore.”
There had been countless times in the past that I let situations like this slide, but today was not one of them. No matter what Megan wanted, I always gave in. Even visiting The Midnight Rooms. She knew how I felt about sex and still made me go, even attending that multiple session with her because she needed cheered up after a visit from her ex. For once, I needed to be selfish and think of myself.
Her mouth opened and then she closed it, chewing her bottom lip.
“Just leave it a few days, Meg. I need some time to think.”
“Are you going tonight?” she asked in a small voice.
Her words needed no explanation. She wanted to know if I was meeting Zee tonight, and the answer was… I didn’t know anymore. Up until last night, butterflies had invaded my stomach every time I thought about it. Now, she’d made it feel sordid.
“Not anymore,” I snapped in reply. “I need to get back to work.” My fingers flew over the keyboard again.
“Relationships down there aren’t healthy. We’ve all created favourite partners in the past, but people use The Midnight Rooms because they want to escape reality or hide from their lives.”
My hand slamming down on the desk made Megan jump. “Just leave it, Megan. You made your point, now you can go. It was you who wanted me to have some fun and enjoy myself, but then you snatched it away from me. I wasn’t looking for a ring and a declaration of love, I just wanted to feel desirable. Now that you’ve made me feel like a silly little girl, just leave me alone to work.”
“Cassie, no! I…”
I cut her off with a wave of my hand. If she wasn’t going to leave, then I would. Grabbing my handbag, I stalked from the office. “I’ll be back soon, Sasha,” I called over my shoulder as I headed to the staircase.
