by A. K. Evans
“You make it seem like I’m forcing you to do this,” I pointed out. “That’s not me, Elise. Will I be pissed if you say you don’t want to go? Yes. Am I going to take a woman out who doesn’t want to be there with me? Absolutely not.”
I didn’t know why I said that. I wanted the chance to get to know her better, so I should have just told her what time I’d pick her up and left it at that. Instead, I stupidly gave her a way out.
Of course, everything I said was the truth. Taking Elise out would do nothing if she didn’t want to be there.
“Tell you what,” I started. “I’m going to go home now. I’ll leave my number here with you. If you change your mind and decide you think I’m someone worth knowing, whether that’s now or a month from now, give me a call. And if not, I’m sorry, but I’m not interested in just being some guy you fuck.”
It was tough to get those words out because I liked Elise enough to know I didn’t want to leave without some sort of guarantee that I’d see her again. But she was struggling with this. I wasn’t going to force it.
“Kieran, I’m sorry,” she apologized again.
“It’s fine,” I insisted. Knowing I needed to get out of there, I asked, “Do you have your phone handy?”
She looked like she didn’t want to walk away from me but ultimately went to get her phone. When she returned, I gave her my number and moved to get my sneakers on. Afterward, I walked to the front door. Elise had followed me.
Taking one last look at her, I said, “Take care of yourself, Elise. I hope I hear from you soon.”
“Goodbye, Kieran.”
Fuck, that sounded so final.
At that, I opened the door and walked out.
And the whole way home, I debated whether I should do what Knox had suggested and look her up on the internet. Because maybe then I’d have an idea of why she wanted nothing to do with me.
I wanted to chase after him.
I wanted to fling open the door and run down the driveway to him.
But I didn’t.
I was too scared. I was afraid of him.
Kieran didn’t scare me in the way that most men did. That’s why I was so terrified. It was a strange feeling for me. Because I was afraid of how much I didn’t remember all the reasons I should be cautious whenever I was around him.
Something about him had been so different; yet, the moment he indicated he wanted to take things to another level, I panicked.
And that was another thing that had me so confused.
I hadn’t ever been the girl to initiate sex, especially not the first time. Sure, I’d hint at it. I’d show my interest. But it wasn’t until Kieran that I put myself out there the way that I did.
To top it off, I’d done things with him that I’d never done with any other man. Being the person in charge, the boss, in so many facets of my life, that had always carried through to the bedroom. With him, it wasn’t like that.
And I loved it.
It was what I had always wanted.
Part of me believed that the reason for that was because it was Kieran. I had to wonder if I would have felt the same if it had been anyone else.
No matter how much I could see the difference in him compared to anybody who came before him, I still couldn’t do it.
The fear of making a mistake, putting my trust into the wrong person again, was crippling.
I thought you were the kind of woman who stayed true to her word.
I was. That’s exactly who I was. And yet, with him, I wasn’t.
Why? Why couldn’t I have just agreed to the date?
I wanted to. I wanted to so badly. It made me feel physically ill to see him walk out the front door.
And to see him do it, knowing he thought I was a liar, was incredibly difficult. I always followed through. I didn’t get to where I was in my life by sitting back and wishing for things to happen. I made them happen. If I said I was going to do something, I did it.
I’d never been the kind of woman to walk away from something before. Kieran was right about my determined nature. Only, in this situation, the very real, recent, and raw events I’d experienced had me pulling back. It was one thing to go after something that would make me happy, and it was something else entirely to be foolish.
I refused to be foolish again.
I closed my eyes and sighed. What if letting him walk away was the foolish thing?
Clutching my phone in my hand, I flirted with the idea of calling him. What would I say? Could I just call and tell him I was wrong and I wanted him to come back? And if I did, wouldn’t I need to give him some kind of explanation as to why I was so screwed up in my head?
He’d be crazy to even think about coming back and taking me out on a date if I wasn’t at least going to give him that. I wouldn’t blame him.
But could I trust him? Could I trust that he’d hear it all and he wouldn’t run? Assuming he didn’t run when I told him, would he accept that I was probably going to screw up over and over again because I’d been conditioned to believe the worst?
There wasn’t one single part of me that didn’t wish things were different right now because I wanted Kieran. I wanted him badly.
I set the phone down.
He deserved better. Or, at least, he deserved better than what I could offer him in a relationship right now.
I knew it.
Even when things were going great in my business, I was still a mess inside. That would have been a best-case scenario. Knowing that I had all that going on and was dealing with the blatant sabotage of my company, it just wouldn’t be fair.
So, I didn’t do it.
I didn’t pick up the phone to call him.
And I hated myself for it.
But I’d made up my mind, and if there was one thing I did well, it was sticking to my guns.
For the rest of the day, I did nothing but trudge through it, thinking about him.
“I wasn’t expecting that to be the look on your face.”
I offered an apologetic look and replied, “I wish I looked better, too.”
My best friend immediately grew concerned before she pressed, “You’re beautiful, Elise. That isn’t what I meant at all. I’m referring to the sadness. I thought you and I were going to talk today, and it was going to be all kinds of good news.”
It was late Sunday afternoon, and I was on a video chat with Scarlet. She’d sent me a text this morning asking if I was still in bed with Kieran and if I’d be able to carve out some time to talk to her today. I replied and told her we could talk after lunch.
I should have given her more at the time, but I didn’t. I just didn’t think it was the kind of thing I could put in a text message.
“I wish that was the case, too,” I told her.
“What happened?” she asked.
“How much time do you have?” I shot back.
She gave me a worried look and questioned, “Is it that bad?”
I nodded.
“I told Ryker that you and I needed to catch up today and that I wasn’t sure how long it was going to take,” she started. “He decided to take my car over to the shop to change the oil and do some other routine maintenance. I’m guessing we’ve got at least an hour or more until he’s back. And if we’re not done by then, you’ve still got me.”
I took a deep breath before I launched in and told her the story. I told her how Kieran brought me home and intended to leave, but I invited him inside. Then I told her how I regretted that because he started asking how I lived in the house that I lived in and how to distract him from my wealth, I begged him to kiss me. I recounted how we slept together, how it was the best sex of my life, but I left out most of the details. I was keeping that for myself. That belonged to Kieran and me.
Finally, I shared what happened yesterday morning in my kitchen and how I let him walk away.
“And I’m guessing you never called him,” she stated.
I shook my head. “No. I didn’t.”
“
Why not?” she asked.
I knew she already knew the answer, but I entertained it anyway. “It’s too much,” I admitted. “Everything is too much. What’s happening at Flynn Beauty, the way I feel about Kieran, and the fact that I don’t think about anything but him when he’s around.”
“Okay, let’s break this down,” she instructed.
I let out a sarcastic laugh. “Okay,” I agreed.
“Flynn Beauty is the easiest to deal with, so we’re starting with that,” she began. After a brief pause, she declared, “It’s done. You don’t have to worry about that any longer.”
I blinked my eyes at her and replied, “Excuse me?”
What did she mean it was done? It was so far from being done.
“You figured out that it was your lead project manager who’d tampered with your formulas, right?” she asked.
“Yeah.”
“And you fired her last week, correct?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, so it’s done,” she declared.
For the next few seconds, I stared at her in stunned silence. She didn’t honestly believe that. “You don’t honestly believe that, do you?” I questioned her.
Scarlet nodded. “Of course, I do. Why wouldn’t I?” she wondered.
I sat back and shrugged my shoulders before I sarcastically answered, “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe the fact that Twitter is still having a field day with me. New YouTube videos keep popping up about it. And my company is facing tens of thousands of dollars in the recalled product.”
She sighed and admitted, “Alright, so the money part of it sucks. Well, I guess all of that does. But think about it a minute, Elise. You figured out the problem, and you dealt with it. I agree that the massive costs and social media blasts are horrible. They are. But you responded quickly, you kept digging until you figured out what happened, and you handled it. What else can you do other than what you’ve already done?”
“If I had any other ideas, I probably would have used them by now,” I mumbled.
“Exactly. Because you’ve done all that is needed to handle that part of the problem,” she told me.
She had a point. My number one priority when I realized that something was wrong was recalling those products, sending out a public apology, and getting to the bottom of the issue as quickly as I could. As soon as I knew what happened, I took care of rectifying it within the company.
“But what about all the backlash?” I argued. “That’s not over. In fact, the last I looked, it was still going.”
“And it sucks,” she assured me. “I’d be feeling just as lousy as you. Unfortunately, that’s something you’ve got to expect is going to happen. Your focus at work now just needs to be on what you can do to fix it. You just have to figure out how to rebuild the trust your customers had in you.”
I closed my eyes as I recalled the conversation I had with Kieran on the plane. He’d said something very similar to me. I just needed to figure out how to rebuild trust with my customers.
“Why do I feel like you just went somewhere else?” Scarlet asked.
“Kieran said the same thing to me,” I confessed.
Confusion washed over her. “I thought you started kissing him because you didn’t want to tell him about the company,” she noted. “How did he say the same thing to you?”
“When we were on the plane,” I started. “I didn’t tell him what I did. We were just talking in general terms about what to do when the career you’ve built for yourself that’s dependent on the public and their perception of the values you uphold is tarnished. He said I needed to know how to rebuild their trust in me.”
“He sounds like a smart guy,” she teased.
I huffed and mumbled, “I’m not sure how smart he is if he wants to get involved with me.”
“Let’s get back to breaking it down,” she ordered. “How do you feel about Kieran?”
That was such a loaded question. I wasn’t sure I knew how to answer it without it missing anything. Even still, I responded, “There’s a lot that I like about him. He’s perfect for me from a physical standpoint. Like, I honestly could not have built myself a better man in that sense. Physical traits aside, I like how patient and kind he is. I love that he knew how upset I was at Lou’s the other night, and he made it his priority to wait by the bathroom door so that he could talk to me and make sure I was okay. And his confidence. I’m beyond attracted to that.”
Scarlet’s eyes narrowed. “If all of this is true, what’s stopping you from giving him a date? I mean, what would be the harm in it?” she questioned me.
“That’s the whole part of this that’s the problem for me,” I answered. “It’s what I notice happens when I’m around him.”
“What’s that?”
“I forget.”
“You forget?” Scarlet repeated.
Nodding, I explained, “Yes, I forget about all the bad things I have going on in my life when I’m with him. He brought me back here on Friday night, Scarlet, and it wasn’t until he asked me Saturday morning about going on a date with him that I remembered my life is in shambles and the fact that my company was on the brink of disaster.”
“Your company is going to be fine, Elise,” she insisted. “You’re too stubborn to settle for anything less than success when it comes to that. I know you. You’ll work day and night to bounce back from this.”
“That’s the problem,” I told her.
When I didn’t offer any additional explanation, she asked, “What is?”
“Pay attention to me, Scarlet,” I begged. “I just told you how Kieran makes me forget about everything else when he’s around. My focus is solely on him. As good as I guess that is, it creates a problem for me as a business owner. If we started something up, I know he’d give me his time. I’d want to gobble it up and try to see if I could make something happen. But I’d be busy rebuilding the trust my customers have in my brand at the same time. If Kieran were with me, something would suffer. Considering I didn’t think about Flynn Beauty for hours when he was here, I know it would be my company that would collapse. And the worst part about all of that is that I’d allow it to happen for a man I’m not sure I know well enough to give up my livelihood for.”
Before Scarlet could respond, there was the distinct sound of someone else’s voice. It was Ryker. I glanced at the time and noticed we’d been talking for over an hour.
While I was distracted, Scarlet must have told Ryker that we were still talking because a moment later, his face entered the screen beside hers. He studied my face and asked, “Is everything cool?”
I didn’t want to lie, but I refused to say anything about Kieran. They worked together and were best friends. I wasn’t going to go there.
“It will be,” I declared, doing my best to sound chipper.
Ryker gave me a look that told me he didn’t necessarily believe me, but thankfully, he never called me out on it. He stood up, looked at Scarlet, and said, “I’m going to hop in the shower.”
“Okay.”
After he walked away, I said, “I should let you go.”
“No, it’s okay,” she assured me. “I want to know what you’re going to do about Kieran.”
I shook my head. “Nothing. There’s nothing to do.”
“You could call him,” she urged.
“I can’t. I feel like a fool as it is,” I told her.
She was silent a moment before she countered, “But how big of a fool will you be if you let a man like him get away?”
Scarlet made a valid point.
I just wasn’t convinced I was open to the possibility of being hurt again by someone I wanted desperately to be able to trust.
I didn’t respond, so Scarlet promised, “You know I’ll support you regardless of what you decide to do. You know where I stand; you know how I feel. It’s up to you to decide what you want to do with the advice I’ve given you.”
Nodding, I assured her, “I do. And I appreciate your support more than you kn
ow, Scarlet. Part of me believes you’re right. I know I’d be a big fool to let him get away. But I also think I need to be fair to him. My life right now isn’t going to allow for that without some serious sacrifice.”
“I believe Kieran is precisely the distraction you need in your life right now,” she countered. “Maybe a little diversion is what you need to help you go in each day feeling refreshed. Besides, nothing clears your head like a good orgasm. I can’t tell you how great writing has been for me lately. I had been worried that Ryker and I would get back together, and I’d run out of things to write. I thought my creativity would be shot. I was so wrong, babe.”
Rolling my eyes at her, I noted, “You’re a romance writer. Orgasms are part of your research. I’m not sure they’re going to work the same way for me.”
“I disagree,” she returned. “I think they’ll help. If nothing else, you’ll at least go into work each day feeling sated, satisfied, and deliriously happy.”
“Deliriously happy?” I repeated.
Scarlet nodded. “You said it was the best sex of your life,” she reminded me.
That was true, but I still didn’t think it was smart to travel down that road. Even still, I didn’t want to disappoint my friend completely. So, I said, “I need to think about it. I can’t decide on something like this without seriously considering all that will come along with it.”
Perking up, my best friend insisted, “That’s fine. As long as you aren’t entirely ruling it out as a possibility.”
“I won’t,” I promised.
And I wasn’t.
Though, I was going to let Scarlet believe I was doing that for her. The truth was, I was the one who wasn’t exactly thrilled with the idea of saying that there was never going to be a chance for me to have something with Kieran.
So, even though I didn’t think the timing was right for me now, I wanted to hold on to some hope that it could be a possibility in the future. Because if I didn’t have any hope, what was the point?
She never called.
To say I was disappointed was an understatement.
While I heard the finality in her tone when she said goodbye as I left her house on Saturday morning, part of me still thought Elise would call. Or, maybe it was that I had hoped she would.
