by Ciara Knight
“You’re not listening, Mother. I don’t deserve Seth Mason. He deserves a wife who can give him children. He’s not the one with the reputation. I am. I’m the one who destroyed my life. I’m the reason I can’t move home. I’m the reason you’ll never want me in your life again.” Tears streamed down my face, and in that moment, I knew I couldn’t hide from the truth any longer. It weighed me down, made me sick, and had feasted on my hopes and dreams for too long.
“Sit. You’re flushed, dear.”
“Stop babying me. I’m not sick. I’m damaged. Damaged goods, as you’d put it. That’s why I’ve carried this secret for so long. I didn’t want to disappoint you more than I already have. I got pregnant right out of high school by the boy you warned me about. The boy who ran off. I wanted to tell you then, but I couldn’t. And then, when everything went bad, I didn’t tell anyone because it would have ruined not just my reputation but yours.”
“Stop. I don’t want to hear this.” She grabbed her coat and gloves and prepared to leave in her determination to avoid the truth. “We’ll speak when you’re feeling better.”
In a whirlwind, my mother fled, abandoning me now the way I’d known at eighteen how she’d abandon me then.
Chapter 22
The fire crackled. Blankets snugged under my chin. Seth’s arms wrapped tight around me. But even that didn’t warm me enough to stop trembling.
“I’m sorry your mother upset you. Sometimes I think I got off easy not having parents.”
“No, I love my mother. It’s not her. I did something. Something that brought shame to our family name.” I sniffled and forced myself to tell the story. The entire story. Seth deserved that much. “I need to share this with you. And if you want to leave before Christmas, I’ll understand.”
“No, you don’t have to tell me anything. It won’t change the way I feel about you. We agreed to wait until Christmas. After that, you’ll know that I’m here to stay and you’ll trust me, and everything will be fine. I won’t make the same mistakes I made last time. I promise.” He crossed his heart like a good Scout and held up two fingers.
“I have to tell you everything. No more secrets between us. And I need to say it now, before I find another excuse to hide from the truth. To hide from what the truth will do to us. It will change things between us.”
“I doubt that.”
Before my hands could shake, before he could tell me to wait until Christmas, before I convinced myself it didn’t matter, I blurted the words that had been caught in my throat.
“I can’t have children.”
Seth sat with mouth open and a blank stare. He didn’t move or say anything for several ticks on the clock over the mantel. “That’s why you’ve been keeping me at a safe distance?” He took both my hands in his. “Darling, sweet Em. I want you.”
“No. You deserve children. I can’t give that to you. Not now, not ever.” Tears streamed down my cheeks and splashed on his hands. “You deserve a real woman.”
“You are a real woman. The woman I want to be with.” Seth clung to me, his eyes pleading for me to listen.
“It’s not just that. You need to know the entire dirty truth about me.” There, I saw it. The doubt that flickered in and out the way his nose twitched.
“Nothing about you could be that bad.” He kissed one hand and then the other.
“I can’t have children because I got pregnant out of high school. I thought I loved the boy. I thought the boy would marry me, but I was wrong. Wrong and stupid.” My voice shook. “When I found out and told him that I was carrying his child, he split. I didn’t know what to do.”
Seth didn’t speak, but I saw the fear in his eyes. The way his gaze drifted to my chin and snapped back. “Go on. It’s okay. I won’t judge you.”
“The pains.” I found myself moving my hand to my belly, and he let it go. “They started early in the evening, but I couldn’t tell anyone. My mother would’ve sent me away in shame, and she would’ve never looked at me the same again. I couldn’t face it, so I told her I didn’t feel well, and I went to my room.”
“You must’ve been so scared.” Seth didn’t sound judgmental or angry, but how could he ever want to be with me?
“I was. The pains were worse, and I cried all night. And in the morning…in the morning…I couldn’t take the pain any longer. I drove myself to a hospital in another town. By the time I got there, they told me I’d lost the baby but there were complications.”
“Shhh….it’s okay. I’m here now.” Seth stroked my cheeks free of tears. “You don’t ever have to be alone again.”
I couldn’t stop talking. It was as if the sins of my past spilled out of the compartment now that I’d opened it. “They wheeled me into surgery, and when I came out, I was told I’d waited too long and that…that I could never have children. My fear of facing my mother and what people thought of me drove me to kill my own baby.” I choked and sniffled and rocked, but I continued. “I’d wished her away so much, I got my wish. That’s why I don’t make wishes anymore. Not since that year that I wished my baby away.” I convulsed in Seth’s arms, and he held me. Held me until the tears slowed and my body stopped shaking. He was a good man. A man I trusted with the truth. But it was time to let him go.
“You didn’t do anything wrong. That snake of a boy did, and as for you harming your baby…nonsense. Women have miscarriages all the time. Complications happen. Making a wish as a scared child doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you normal.”
I couldn’t look at him. The shame still sat heavy on my shoulders. “You deserve better. Someone who can give you a full life, a family.”
“Emma Winters, you listen to me right now.” He cupped my cheeks and forced me to look at him. “You’re not going to run away because you think I want children and you can’t give them to me. There are other ways to have kids if we decide to start a family. I’m a foster child. If anything, I’ll want to help kids who are in the system more than having them myself.”
“Really?” Hope trickled in. “But how could you love me after this? My own mother ran away at my words.”
“I don’t know your mother well enough, but I believe she just loves you so much, she wants the best for you. Give her some time. She’ll realize you’re worth far more than the family name and a little gossip. But you can trust me. Your secret is safe. I won’t tell anyone.”
“I know.” And I did. I trusted Seth more than I trusted anyone else in the world.
“You have nothing to be ashamed of, though. Your mother should be ashamed for making you feel like you couldn’t tell her what was going on. That boy should be ashamed for abandoning you. But you, my darling, sweet Em, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You’re strong and smart and beautiful. You wanted to break away from your mother, and you did. You wanted to get the job as head chef at this lodge, despite no formal training, and you did.”
“Still, I’d understand if, after the children head back to LA, you go with them. Please, don’t stay because of a promise you made. You didn’t have all the information. I realize now that I care about you too much to keep you here if I can’t be everything you need. I think that’s why I sent you away before. I knew it wouldn’t work between us.”
“I’m not going anywhere. This time there are no secrets between us, and I know what I want. That’s you, Em.” He pushed my chin up and kissed me.
Kissed me long. Kissed me soft. Kissed me passionately.
He kissed the pain away.
Chapter 23
The fire dwindled to embers glowing in the early predawn hours, but Seth and I didn’t part. We had remained on the couch snuggled together under the quilt all night. A part of me worried that despite Seth’s actions, he would soon realize that he did want kids and that he’d regret his decision to be with me.
I kept telling myself there was still time. That I’d see how he was with the kids and decide after Christmas.
To my surprise, I couldn’t wait for the kids to arriv
e. The thought of decorating the tree with them, having cookies and milk, and watching their faces while they opened their presents on Christmas morning didn’t make me cringe.
At the first rays of sun streaking through the room, Seth woke and stretched. “Good morning.” He kissed my nose and studied my face as if it was the first time he’d seen me.
“Good morning.” I loved the way his hair was unkempt and stubble accentuated his jaw. Maybe having everything perfect wasn’t always best. Something I’d keep repeating to myself until I believed it.
“What’s on your agenda today?” He caressed my face from temple to chin, distracting me.
I sighed and leaned into his hand. “Work.” The sound of steps overhead warned that Frank was up and moving, which meant I needed to get up and out of here.
Seth scooted me closer to his side, as if letting me know that escaping him was no option. And I didn’t want to argue. “Listen, I want you to understand that nothing has changed. I feel the same way about you as I did yesterday.” He blinked and his attention drifted to my lips, and as if he were the puppet master of my body, I smiled and leaned into him a little closer. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You are a successful grown woman who doesn’t need to worry about what people think. We’ve all done things we regret. I know I have. If it’ll make you feel any better, I can tell you the time with this one girl—”
I pressed a finger to his lips. “No, I’m good. There’s such a thing as too much sharing.” I entwined my fingers with his and studied his short nails.
“What is it?” He seemed to know my every thought and doubt.
I bit my bottom lip. He was in the honeymoon phase of our rekindled relationship and didn’t realize what all this meant.
“Go ahead,” he urged me.
“Did you plan on having children?” My words were like spurs in my mouth, itchy and painful.
“No, not before.” He rubbed my knuckles with his thumb, as if contemplating his words carefully. “I didn’t want them at all until after my partner became ill. Watching someone go through that with no family besides his estranged wife around caused me to rethink my plans.”
“I see.” With a hand to his chest, I pushed to sit up. To give myself space to think clearly.
“Em, I told you I don’t care if I have children of my own, adopt, or whatever. So don’t you dare think this is a reason to shut me out.”
Steps sounded on the stairs, so Seth stood and took me by the hand to the door. “Get some rest. Trust me, you’ll need it when the kids arrive in a few hours.” He kissed me.
I tried to push away, worried about my morning breath, but we both slipped into each other’s arms, and nothing else mattered in the world. This felt right, exciting, perfect.
For two hours, Margie and I finished preparing the food while Seth went to the airport to retrieve the children.
“I can’t believe how nervous I am. What if the kids don’t like the food?”
Margie took a step back and laughed. “Are you kidding me? How many cute twists on food could I see on one table? This meal alone has sweet bread in the shape of a Christmas tree, pizza made into the shape of a snowman. Not to mention the reindeer pretzel and vegetable bites, colored dipping sauces, and the confectioner village that Hector has tried to sneak tastes of all day.”
Hector entered the dining room carrying the oversize ceramic carafe wearing a chocolate mustache. “Oh, my goodness, this hot chocolate is amazing! I have to get this recipe.”
“Sorry. Can’t share.” I smiled, knowing that Ms. King would’ve wanted me to make this for the kids.
Hector set the carafe down on the coaster near the cups. “Oh, you’re going to become one of those chefs now, huh?”
“No, this recipe’s a secret passed down to me. I can never share it.” I smiled, smelling the rich goodness and knowing Ms. King was still with me.
Frank clopped down the stairs and entered with a snarl, dropping a suitcase on the floor. “I’m leaving. It’s obvious I won’t have a job here for much longer since you’ve weaseled your way into the new owner’s bed.”
“That’s enough.” Hector stood to his full height, towering over Frank. “Yes, it’s time for you to leave. I won’t sit by and let you speak poorly of Emma or Margie or any other fine lady any longer. You can continue to blame women, or the rich, or everyone else for your misery, but it won’t make anything better. I’m sorry your rich mother ran off and left you and your father with nothing, but you need to grow up already. I suggest you work harder and judge less in your next job. Not every rich woman is trying to ruin your life.” Hector picked up the suitcase and backed Frank out of the room.
Margie clapped, but I felt sorry for the man.
“I wish we could’ve figured out a way to work through our differences, but I’m happy for you,” I said.
“Why me? He was far worse to you.” Margie took my apron and headed for the kitchen.
“I’m happy for you because you’re going to be the new general manager here. Well, you’re going to handle the business side. Hector will handle all the building stuff. You’ll both be managers.”
Margie shook her head. “I don’t have a business degree or anything.”
“You’ve been doing the job since Frank arrived. Seth and I talked about it last night. We both think you’ll be perfect for the job.”
Margie flew into me, hugging me tight and rocking back and forth. “You’re the best!”
The front door flew open, and kids ran inside, chasing each other up and down stairs, through the main room, and down the halls. Until one little boy found the food.
“Hey, is this for us?”
“It is.” I handed the little guy a plate.
His bright-blue eyes shot wide. “Seriously? I mean, for realz?”
“For realz. Eat all you want.” I patted his head.
“Guys, come look at this!” he shouted to the main room.
Seth entered a little more disheveled than when he’d left. “I think next year, I’ll take you up on your offer to help at the airport, Hector.”
Hector broke into a Santa-style deep belly laugh that drew several kids’ attention.
“Go relax. We’ve got the children for now,” I said.
Seth kissed my cheek, which ignited a series of Ewws! from the boys and Awws from the girls. “Thanks, but there’s something you need to do. Margie, do you mind?”
“Nope, Hector and I will hold the fort.”
“Great, thanks.” He clapped his hands once, and a few faces glanced up at him. “Okay, kids, enjoy your food. When you’re done, we’ll meet in the main room to decorate the tree before bed.”
“Bed?” The little guy and obvious ringleader of the bunch waved his hand in front of his face before popping a gumdrop from the village into his mouth. “We don’t need no sleep.”
“That would be a shame, since Santa won’t be able to come if you’re not sleeping.” Mother’s voice shot through me like a Grinch laser, hot and fast.
I looked to Seth, who put his hand on the small of my back. “Please forgive me. I called her, and she’s here in peace. Give her a chance. She’s your mother, and I can’t stand seeing you suffer.”
With a glance around the room, I realized that what I wanted to say wouldn’t be appropriate right now, so I ducked into my kitchen and raced to my office to catch my breath.
Mother tapped along behind me with her heels to the tile. “I realize this might come as a shock to you, but I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Mother’s voice sounded shaky. I’d never heard Mom anything but proper, so I turned to face her. The woman stood with chin down, shoulders slumped. The image frightened me.
“Okay.” That was all I could think to say. I wanted to yell at her and beg her for forgiveness all in the same breath.
“I won’t stay long if that’s your wish, but I had to come speak to you. That man cares deeply for you. I see that now.”
“His name is Seth.”
“
Right, Seth is a good man. A smart and brave person. He showed up at my door unannounced and demanded to see me. He barged into the room during afternoon tea and told me I would spend the rest of my life regretting how I treated you unless I made it right.”
She moved into the office and set her purse on the desk. “Listen, I know I can be overprotective of you, but there are reasons for that. Reasons I never shared with you.”
The way her gaze drifted to the floor shook me. “What is it, Mother? You’re scaring me.”
She snapped her attention to me. “No, it’s not like that. I’m fine. I just wanted better for you than I had.”
I raised an eyebrow at her. “Um, you live in a mansion, had a loving marriage for many years. What else could you have wanted?”
“It ended up fine, but I went through a lot before that. I wanted to spare you the pain. You see, I wanted to be a singer.”
I pressed my lips together to keep from laughing aloud. The idea of my mother standing in front of an audience singing was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever heard.
“I won’t bore you with all the details, but I found myself with no money, no prospects, and I wasn’t good enough to make it. For many years, I suffered, and I didn’t want that for you. I never wanted you to worry whether or not you’d have enough money to eat or if you’d have to spend the night under an awning because you were evicted for unpaid rent.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me this before?” I asked.
She inhaled deeply and then let it out. “Because I failed. And when I married your father, I promised myself that I would never fail at anything again. I vowed to be the most devoted wife and mother. It was my new purpose, my only purpose, and when your father died, you were all I had left to focus on.”
“But this is my life and I love Seth. I haven’t even told him that yet, but I do. Even if we were to be together, I still want to work. I want to cook and create. I don’t have to choose.”
She nudged closer and took my hand. “I know that now. It’s just that the only happiness I found in life was with family. I wanted you to be happy, too. I guess I pushed too hard, though.” Her voice cracked, and tears rolled down her cheeks. “Seth told me what happened after high school.” She squeezed tight and took in a stuttered breath. “I’m sorry you never thought you could tell me about what happened. I’ll never forgive myself for that.”
